Superman XXX: A Porn Parody: A Review
Jul. 13th, 2011 03:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficLet's start off with a disclaimer. I'm not going to be getting too detailed with the sex scenes, since I'm not a professional porn reviewer (just a gifted amateur) and I assume the only thing less wanted than me telling you what gets me off is you hearing what gets me off.
GINGER LESBIAN INCEST AGEPLAY!
I'll be looking at this strictly from a perspective of comics canon and cinematic storytelling, with fucking. That said, who names these things? There's gotta be a better title that still gets across that you will see Superman fucking. Just off the top of my head: Supercock, Up Up And Inside You, Not Faster Than A Speeding Bullet... I can't imagine a better reason to get into porn than to come up with stupid porn titles, so I can only think this is the equivalent of that new boss who comes into your workplace with a new rule that makes things suck just a little more, like not being able to take your cell-phone into the bathroom or something. Please, porn industry, we want to hear your punny titles just as much as you want to make them!
Also, some of you may be wondering why DC Comics allows these kinds of movies to be made, even if they are porn parodies. And the answer to that is, they're still better publicity than Green Lantern.
We start off, naturally enough, on Krypton in a vaguely boob-shaped dome, where Jor-El is lecturing on how Kryptonians have always lived in harmony. Someone's forgetting about the Clone Wars, and unfortunately for everyone, it's not George Lucas (that joke was so nerdy I think I just became a virgin again). He's arguing against Zod and the Zodlings, who I just noticed never had a lawyer. Some advanced society--well, then again, no lawyers, so yeah.
General Zod applies the principle of a porn 'stache to an entire beard. The madman.
This ends with the Zod Squad in the Phantom Zone, and on that inspiring note, we hit the credits. After the title, we pass straight over the destruction of Krypton and Clark Kent's upbringing to get to an adult Clark Kent on an airliner. Because even porn parodies know better than to spend time in Smallville. Clark's having trouble with his seatbelt, so a flight attendant helps him and fondles his crotch afterwards. Yeah, right... a flight attendant being helpful!
The stewardess (to paraphrase Archer, "when they're in a porn movie, they're a stewardess!") goes to the cockpit, where the pilots have been drinking heavily and sexually harass her. Even worse, one of them is clearly Dick Dastardly.
Come to think of it, Dick Dastardly is a great porn name.
Naturally, this leads to our first sex scene, which is kinda like a Spider-Man porn parody having its first nudity come from the actress playing Ursula. I know no one wants to see Ma and Pa Kent fucking, but why not a scene of Jor-El and Lara on Krypton, where the planet is literally made of crystal dildos? Or Clark losing his virginity with Lana Lang? At least it'd be thematically consistent.
Also, they kinda blew their load on the Devil's Threesome here, since if Smallville fandom has taught me anything, it's that most fangirls would like to see Clark and Lex double-teaming a girl (and hope that balls touch). Have some sympathy for them, pornographers, ten years and they didn't even get to see Tom Welling in the fucking suit, I'm just saying, even the goddamn porno did the fucking suit!
I'm sorry, but we saw more of Clark and Lana staring at each other than we did the fucking Superman costume! How can you call yourself a Superman show if...
I'm done, I'm done.
So the fifteen minutes of drunken three-way sex causes one of the plane's engines to explode, which seems to be an understandably overlooked design flaw. Somehow, Clark gets outside the plane and saves the day as Superman. See, Smallville, that took twenty minutes and fifteen of it was hardcore sex. And don't say you had to do Lex's story too, because at the end you wiped his memory of everything that happened to him, so why would he still be evil, which was the clear implication, unless you're doing a story where Lex is good, but why would you do that story in the last five minutes of your show...
SORRY! I'm just a little traumatized still.
At the Daily Planet, which I shall avoid calling the DP to avoid confusion, Perry is yelling at Jimmy, don't call me chief, you know the rest. I gotta wonder, do they cast porn actors in minor roles or just regular actors? Because I have to imagine no one would want to show Perry White having sex, but do they cast a porn actor anyway, just in case he might have to do porn in a sequel? Lois comes in and when she leans on Perry's desk, Jimmy starts photographing her ass. I gotta think any Lois, even one in gay porn whose only job was to be oblivious to the fact that Clark and Lex were having anal sex in front of Batman, would have shoved that camera up his ass by now, so way to introduce your female lead, pornographers.
Clark Kent comes in after clumsying it up with the receptionist, who is talking on the phone about a genital rash--"What should we get our audience thinking about during our porn film? I know, venereal disease!"--he introduces himself to Lois. Jimmy comments that he seems neat, to which Lois replies that they (Jimmy and Clark) would make a cute couple. Maybe it's the residual Chloe/Davis shipper in me, but HA HA! Even in a porno, people think Jimmy is gay. Please don't offer any evidence to the contrary, porn gods.
Clark returns and spills coffee on Lois, but then cools it off with his polar breath. Which is nice, but since the clumsiness is an act, does that mean he hurt Lois just to show off? Dude, you're a superhero. Just show up at her apartment, take her flying, bang her brains out, then disappear for six years--she seems clingy.
Before all that can happen, Lex Luthor shows up on TV and it's the smarmy Gene Hackman version (ya know... pornified). Not that it's my field, but I've gotta think that most people, if you asked them which Lex Luthor you would want to see fucking people, it would be something along these lines, and not this.
Lex Luthor or a failed Doctor Who cosplay? You be the judge!
Lex announces that Metropolis has fifteen minutes before a Minuteman missile hits (which can carry a nuclear warhead, but it still seems needlessly oblique to not say "You're about to nuked" instead of "You're going to be hit by a missile." But then, I'm not a criminal genius). So America has that long to deposit a hundred million dollars in his Swiss bank account. I don't know what movie he's watching, but it took fifteen minutes for two guys to bang a flight attendant, there's no way he's getting a hundred mil in that timeframe. Especially since he didn't give any routing number for his account or anything. Maybe he wants a giant check with "Thanks for not blowing us up" written in the memo section.
Clark naturally springs into action, trying to change in first a unisex bathroom (occupied) and then a janitor's closet (Jimmy is getting a MY EYES MY EYES!) before just ducking behind the empty receptionist's desk.
With the newspaper business folding, some staffers are forced to pull double-duty...
Superman throws the missile into space, shocking Jimmy, who was only getting some because everyone was about to die. Yeah, makes sense. When his partner, the receptionist, seems like she's going to stop, he tells her there's a second missile. Okay, that was kinda funny. They continue having sex for twenty minutes, so either she has no internal clock or she thinks they're having An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge sex. But still, for all of you who wanted to see beloved characters like... the Daily Planet receptionist... get it on, there you go.
The missile frees the Feliz NaviZOD and we then go immediately to Lex deciding to destroy Superman and, naturally, screwing Miss Teschmacher. Admittedly, that's about as much weight as Lex reacting to Superman's return got in Superman Returns. And since we're locked into parodying the Donner Superman films, shouldn't there be some Otis bumbling in this sex scene? Maybe Lex wants him to double-penetrate Miss Teschmacher, but then he accidentally sodomizes Lex? Or maybe a pubic hair joke to go with Lex's wig/baldness thing? I'm just saying, if you're gonna go Donner, go full Donner.
Afterward, the inhabitants of Cape Zod land and demand obedience from the first Earthlings they see. He tells them to take a hike and Non kills him, to which Zod petulantly observes "If you kill them, they can't kneel." Admittedly, that was funnier (intentionally, at least) then the entire Zod storyline from Smallville. "And I thought I got a chilly reception," fuck you Smallville!
Back at the Daily Planet, Perry White is telling Lois to get an interview with Superman and literally grab-assing with her. And if Perry ever tried that with any other Lois, he'd find his arm ripped off at the shoulder, shoved up his ass, and written up in an article with a lot of scare quotes. Even KateBosworth!Lois is looking good in comparison, although admittedly, I don't know how well she can give a blowjob.
Just then, Steve Jobs and his wide range of affordable iZods bust in, having mistaken the Daily Planet for the world government. They ask who's in charge and Perry points to Lois before getting KO'd. Of course, a similar blow to the head killed the guy in the last scene, but who would kill Perry White? He's like a less memorable J. Jonah Jameson!
That done, the villains run roughZOD (ha!) over Lois. But it's not rape, because a voiceover lets us know that Lois is really horny and "can't wait to get fucked by these three supervillains." Good God, who wrote this, Devin Grayson? Also, Perry wakes up partway through and watches, which is just too many dicks on the dance floor, even if he's not getting involved. In fact, it'd be more tolerable if he did get involved. Somehow, Perry White joining in on a Lois Lane gangbang is less wrong than just watching a Zod Squad gangbang.
So there, we've taken kneel before Zod to the logical extreme of Lois Lane kneeling before him to give a blowjob in a porn film. Can we let it die now? Can I have a Superman movie with fucking Darkseid? Because I swear to God, if they do Man of Steel and it's about Zod and then the next movie is all Lex, like they built up to Joker in Batman Begins, I am going to be very sarcastic! On the internet!
Clark comes on the scene -- I think they really missed an opportunity for Lois to scream "Superman!" at the moment of orgasm and then for him to hear it and mistake it for a cry for help -- and sees the receptionist cowering behind her desk. He calls her Nancy, so after twenty minutes of sex with Jimmy Olsen, we finally have a name for this character. Nancy.
Clark looks in on Lois and again we miss the easy joke about Superman perving with his X-ray vision, because he immediately goes into action, knocking out the villains and even gently lowering Zod to the floor after punching him out. He then disposes of the villains with a Phantom Zone crystal he keeps in his cape and wipes Lois off with a napkin he also has on him. Whotta guy!
Clark rushes in immediately after Superman leaves, wielding a mop as a weapon (presumably to explain him rushing into the janitor's closet to change into Superman). So, kudos to that.
Later that night, Superman drops by to let Lois interview him and, to put it briefly and incredibly literally, "Holy penis, what a scoop!" Afterward, he tells her he has to go fight for truth, justice, and the American Way (great morning-after line) and gives her a goodbye kiss before flying off. Considering the places that mouth has been, that's very gentlemanly.
It does seem weird that in a Superman porn film, Superman only has sex once and with one woman. We all know Superman isn't no stepper-outer, but I can see Lois wanting an open relationship. And if they're parodying the Donner films, shouldn't he at least have sex with Miss Teschmacher too? No way she wasn't DTF.
Then we get the reveal that Lex has been spying on them and now knows that Lois is Clark's girl, although the voyeurism is really the most actively villainous thing he did against Superman in this movie. He really didn't have anything to do with the Zod plot at all. And when even the porn films have prequelitis, you know this shared superhero universe thing has gone too far.
So in the end, I guess I feel kinda like Seth Rogen in The 40-Year-Old Virgin after he went to a donkey show. Yeah, that was Superman fucking Lois Lane. In the end, it shares the problem of Superman Returns in just being too reverent of the Donner series. I know it has its fans, but if people like Superman enough to pick up a porn film about him, they've probably read a comic. And the Donner films are a bit lacking in female characters, which you really need to have a porn parody. I mean, what are they going to do for a sequel, bring in those two women Richard Pryor hung out with? You know, one of them turned into a robot and the other fucked Drunk!Superman? I don't know, I think when you have Superman fucking the robot woman from Superman 3, you've just gone too far.
They just would've been better served by adapting more of the comic--characters like Power Girl, Supergirl, Cat Grant, Lana Lang, Chloe Sullivan, and Maxima. Maxima in particular was made for porn. Just listen to me describe her character and stop me when you won't believe she's actually a canon character. Maxima is the Queen of Almerac, a dominant and sexually aggressive supervillain who comes to Earth to force Superman to impregnate her--see? "Alright, Maxima, if you stop hurting innocent people, I'll give you what you want--my ten-inch cock!" One line and we've got a sex scene.
There's a new generation of fans who would want more from a porn parody than Richard Donner. Lex Luthor could be the more humanist, evil businessman incarnation, who perhaps hates Superman because human women are so attracted to him that he feels inadequate. I'll let you have that one for free. And Chloe and Cat have been in TV series that have been seen by millions of potential buyers. Cat was in Lois & Clark, they got the chick from the shitty season of Babylon 5! And for the ladies, there's Richard White and Superboy. I know most fangirls would be disappointed by Superboy fucking anyone but Robin III, but here's what you do--gender-swapped Robin. Toni Drake.
Really, I guess I was hoping for an adaptation of one of those Silver Age stories where Lois and Lana try to trick Superman into marrying them, only with fucking. Like, you could do I Am Curious (Black). Lois Lane transforms into a black woman, is played by an African-American actress for a while, says Superman is a racist if he won't fuck her, so he fucks her. Also, Lori Lemaris. He could fuck a mermaid.
And in spite of the competent cocksmanship (I have always wanted to type that), I have to deduct points for the portrayal of Lois Lane. There's really no reason this movie couldn't have extended her canonical take-charge attitude to the bedroom--it's a porn movie, she could've decided she wanted a screw and pulled Clark into a closet five minutes after meeting them, thus pornographically and parodically showing why he's so hung up on her. But all she does in this movie is get sexually harassed and fuck Superman. At the very least, the Zod scene could've had her taking charge of the situation for her own gratification ("Look, Zod, as long as I'm kneeling down here, why don't I take care of a few things?") instead of enjoying being raped. I mean, c'mon, porn film, where is your class?
ETA: Also, no Ursa lesbian scene? Sure, she "forced" Lois to give blowjobs to Zod and Non, but it can't really be a lesbian scene if there are dicks present.
GINGER LESBIAN INCEST AGEPLAY!
I'll be looking at this strictly from a perspective of comics canon and cinematic storytelling, with fucking. That said, who names these things? There's gotta be a better title that still gets across that you will see Superman fucking. Just off the top of my head: Supercock, Up Up And Inside You, Not Faster Than A Speeding Bullet... I can't imagine a better reason to get into porn than to come up with stupid porn titles, so I can only think this is the equivalent of that new boss who comes into your workplace with a new rule that makes things suck just a little more, like not being able to take your cell-phone into the bathroom or something. Please, porn industry, we want to hear your punny titles just as much as you want to make them!
Also, some of you may be wondering why DC Comics allows these kinds of movies to be made, even if they are porn parodies. And the answer to that is, they're still better publicity than Green Lantern.
We start off, naturally enough, on Krypton in a vaguely boob-shaped dome, where Jor-El is lecturing on how Kryptonians have always lived in harmony. Someone's forgetting about the Clone Wars, and unfortunately for everyone, it's not George Lucas (that joke was so nerdy I think I just became a virgin again). He's arguing against Zod and the Zodlings, who I just noticed never had a lawyer. Some advanced society--well, then again, no lawyers, so yeah.
General Zod applies the principle of a porn 'stache to an entire beard. The madman.
This ends with the Zod Squad in the Phantom Zone, and on that inspiring note, we hit the credits. After the title, we pass straight over the destruction of Krypton and Clark Kent's upbringing to get to an adult Clark Kent on an airliner. Because even porn parodies know better than to spend time in Smallville. Clark's having trouble with his seatbelt, so a flight attendant helps him and fondles his crotch afterwards. Yeah, right... a flight attendant being helpful!
The stewardess (to paraphrase Archer, "when they're in a porn movie, they're a stewardess!") goes to the cockpit, where the pilots have been drinking heavily and sexually harass her. Even worse, one of them is clearly Dick Dastardly.
Come to think of it, Dick Dastardly is a great porn name.
Naturally, this leads to our first sex scene, which is kinda like a Spider-Man porn parody having its first nudity come from the actress playing Ursula. I know no one wants to see Ma and Pa Kent fucking, but why not a scene of Jor-El and Lara on Krypton, where the planet is literally made of crystal dildos? Or Clark losing his virginity with Lana Lang? At least it'd be thematically consistent.
Also, they kinda blew their load on the Devil's Threesome here, since if Smallville fandom has taught me anything, it's that most fangirls would like to see Clark and Lex double-teaming a girl (and hope that balls touch). Have some sympathy for them, pornographers, ten years and they didn't even get to see Tom Welling in the fucking suit, I'm just saying, even the goddamn porno did the fucking suit!
I'm sorry, but we saw more of Clark and Lana staring at each other than we did the fucking Superman costume! How can you call yourself a Superman show if...
I'm done, I'm done.
So the fifteen minutes of drunken three-way sex causes one of the plane's engines to explode, which seems to be an understandably overlooked design flaw. Somehow, Clark gets outside the plane and saves the day as Superman. See, Smallville, that took twenty minutes and fifteen of it was hardcore sex. And don't say you had to do Lex's story too, because at the end you wiped his memory of everything that happened to him, so why would he still be evil, which was the clear implication, unless you're doing a story where Lex is good, but why would you do that story in the last five minutes of your show...
SORRY! I'm just a little traumatized still.
At the Daily Planet, which I shall avoid calling the DP to avoid confusion, Perry is yelling at Jimmy, don't call me chief, you know the rest. I gotta wonder, do they cast porn actors in minor roles or just regular actors? Because I have to imagine no one would want to show Perry White having sex, but do they cast a porn actor anyway, just in case he might have to do porn in a sequel? Lois comes in and when she leans on Perry's desk, Jimmy starts photographing her ass. I gotta think any Lois, even one in gay porn whose only job was to be oblivious to the fact that Clark and Lex were having anal sex in front of Batman, would have shoved that camera up his ass by now, so way to introduce your female lead, pornographers.
Clark Kent comes in after clumsying it up with the receptionist, who is talking on the phone about a genital rash--"What should we get our audience thinking about during our porn film? I know, venereal disease!"--he introduces himself to Lois. Jimmy comments that he seems neat, to which Lois replies that they (Jimmy and Clark) would make a cute couple. Maybe it's the residual Chloe/Davis shipper in me, but HA HA! Even in a porno, people think Jimmy is gay. Please don't offer any evidence to the contrary, porn gods.
Clark returns and spills coffee on Lois, but then cools it off with his polar breath. Which is nice, but since the clumsiness is an act, does that mean he hurt Lois just to show off? Dude, you're a superhero. Just show up at her apartment, take her flying, bang her brains out, then disappear for six years--she seems clingy.
Before all that can happen, Lex Luthor shows up on TV and it's the smarmy Gene Hackman version (ya know... pornified). Not that it's my field, but I've gotta think that most people, if you asked them which Lex Luthor you would want to see fucking people, it would be something along these lines, and not this.
Lex Luthor or a failed Doctor Who cosplay? You be the judge!
Lex announces that Metropolis has fifteen minutes before a Minuteman missile hits (which can carry a nuclear warhead, but it still seems needlessly oblique to not say "You're about to nuked" instead of "You're going to be hit by a missile." But then, I'm not a criminal genius). So America has that long to deposit a hundred million dollars in his Swiss bank account. I don't know what movie he's watching, but it took fifteen minutes for two guys to bang a flight attendant, there's no way he's getting a hundred mil in that timeframe. Especially since he didn't give any routing number for his account or anything. Maybe he wants a giant check with "Thanks for not blowing us up" written in the memo section.
Clark naturally springs into action, trying to change in first a unisex bathroom (occupied) and then a janitor's closet (Jimmy is getting a MY EYES MY EYES!) before just ducking behind the empty receptionist's desk.
With the newspaper business folding, some staffers are forced to pull double-duty...
Superman throws the missile into space, shocking Jimmy, who was only getting some because everyone was about to die. Yeah, makes sense. When his partner, the receptionist, seems like she's going to stop, he tells her there's a second missile. Okay, that was kinda funny. They continue having sex for twenty minutes, so either she has no internal clock or she thinks they're having An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge sex. But still, for all of you who wanted to see beloved characters like... the Daily Planet receptionist... get it on, there you go.
The missile frees the Feliz NaviZOD and we then go immediately to Lex deciding to destroy Superman and, naturally, screwing Miss Teschmacher. Admittedly, that's about as much weight as Lex reacting to Superman's return got in Superman Returns. And since we're locked into parodying the Donner Superman films, shouldn't there be some Otis bumbling in this sex scene? Maybe Lex wants him to double-penetrate Miss Teschmacher, but then he accidentally sodomizes Lex? Or maybe a pubic hair joke to go with Lex's wig/baldness thing? I'm just saying, if you're gonna go Donner, go full Donner.
Afterward, the inhabitants of Cape Zod land and demand obedience from the first Earthlings they see. He tells them to take a hike and Non kills him, to which Zod petulantly observes "If you kill them, they can't kneel." Admittedly, that was funnier (intentionally, at least) then the entire Zod storyline from Smallville. "And I thought I got a chilly reception," fuck you Smallville!
Back at the Daily Planet, Perry White is telling Lois to get an interview with Superman and literally grab-assing with her. And if Perry ever tried that with any other Lois, he'd find his arm ripped off at the shoulder, shoved up his ass, and written up in an article with a lot of scare quotes. Even KateBosworth!Lois is looking good in comparison, although admittedly, I don't know how well she can give a blowjob.
Just then, Steve Jobs and his wide range of affordable iZods bust in, having mistaken the Daily Planet for the world government. They ask who's in charge and Perry points to Lois before getting KO'd. Of course, a similar blow to the head killed the guy in the last scene, but who would kill Perry White? He's like a less memorable J. Jonah Jameson!
That done, the villains run roughZOD (ha!) over Lois. But it's not rape, because a voiceover lets us know that Lois is really horny and "can't wait to get fucked by these three supervillains." Good God, who wrote this, Devin Grayson? Also, Perry wakes up partway through and watches, which is just too many dicks on the dance floor, even if he's not getting involved. In fact, it'd be more tolerable if he did get involved. Somehow, Perry White joining in on a Lois Lane gangbang is less wrong than just watching a Zod Squad gangbang.
So there, we've taken kneel before Zod to the logical extreme of Lois Lane kneeling before him to give a blowjob in a porn film. Can we let it die now? Can I have a Superman movie with fucking Darkseid? Because I swear to God, if they do Man of Steel and it's about Zod and then the next movie is all Lex, like they built up to Joker in Batman Begins, I am going to be very sarcastic! On the internet!
Clark comes on the scene -- I think they really missed an opportunity for Lois to scream "Superman!" at the moment of orgasm and then for him to hear it and mistake it for a cry for help -- and sees the receptionist cowering behind her desk. He calls her Nancy, so after twenty minutes of sex with Jimmy Olsen, we finally have a name for this character. Nancy.
Clark looks in on Lois and again we miss the easy joke about Superman perving with his X-ray vision, because he immediately goes into action, knocking out the villains and even gently lowering Zod to the floor after punching him out. He then disposes of the villains with a Phantom Zone crystal he keeps in his cape and wipes Lois off with a napkin he also has on him. Whotta guy!
Clark rushes in immediately after Superman leaves, wielding a mop as a weapon (presumably to explain him rushing into the janitor's closet to change into Superman). So, kudos to that.
Later that night, Superman drops by to let Lois interview him and, to put it briefly and incredibly literally, "Holy penis, what a scoop!" Afterward, he tells her he has to go fight for truth, justice, and the American Way (great morning-after line) and gives her a goodbye kiss before flying off. Considering the places that mouth has been, that's very gentlemanly.
It does seem weird that in a Superman porn film, Superman only has sex once and with one woman. We all know Superman isn't no stepper-outer, but I can see Lois wanting an open relationship. And if they're parodying the Donner films, shouldn't he at least have sex with Miss Teschmacher too? No way she wasn't DTF.
Then we get the reveal that Lex has been spying on them and now knows that Lois is Clark's girl, although the voyeurism is really the most actively villainous thing he did against Superman in this movie. He really didn't have anything to do with the Zod plot at all. And when even the porn films have prequelitis, you know this shared superhero universe thing has gone too far.
So in the end, I guess I feel kinda like Seth Rogen in The 40-Year-Old Virgin after he went to a donkey show. Yeah, that was Superman fucking Lois Lane. In the end, it shares the problem of Superman Returns in just being too reverent of the Donner series. I know it has its fans, but if people like Superman enough to pick up a porn film about him, they've probably read a comic. And the Donner films are a bit lacking in female characters, which you really need to have a porn parody. I mean, what are they going to do for a sequel, bring in those two women Richard Pryor hung out with? You know, one of them turned into a robot and the other fucked Drunk!Superman? I don't know, I think when you have Superman fucking the robot woman from Superman 3, you've just gone too far.
They just would've been better served by adapting more of the comic--characters like Power Girl, Supergirl, Cat Grant, Lana Lang, Chloe Sullivan, and Maxima. Maxima in particular was made for porn. Just listen to me describe her character and stop me when you won't believe she's actually a canon character. Maxima is the Queen of Almerac, a dominant and sexually aggressive supervillain who comes to Earth to force Superman to impregnate her--see? "Alright, Maxima, if you stop hurting innocent people, I'll give you what you want--my ten-inch cock!" One line and we've got a sex scene.
There's a new generation of fans who would want more from a porn parody than Richard Donner. Lex Luthor could be the more humanist, evil businessman incarnation, who perhaps hates Superman because human women are so attracted to him that he feels inadequate. I'll let you have that one for free. And Chloe and Cat have been in TV series that have been seen by millions of potential buyers. Cat was in Lois & Clark, they got the chick from the shitty season of Babylon 5! And for the ladies, there's Richard White and Superboy. I know most fangirls would be disappointed by Superboy fucking anyone but Robin III, but here's what you do--gender-swapped Robin. Toni Drake.
Really, I guess I was hoping for an adaptation of one of those Silver Age stories where Lois and Lana try to trick Superman into marrying them, only with fucking. Like, you could do I Am Curious (Black). Lois Lane transforms into a black woman, is played by an African-American actress for a while, says Superman is a racist if he won't fuck her, so he fucks her. Also, Lori Lemaris. He could fuck a mermaid.
And in spite of the competent cocksmanship (I have always wanted to type that), I have to deduct points for the portrayal of Lois Lane. There's really no reason this movie couldn't have extended her canonical take-charge attitude to the bedroom--it's a porn movie, she could've decided she wanted a screw and pulled Clark into a closet five minutes after meeting them, thus pornographically and parodically showing why he's so hung up on her. But all she does in this movie is get sexually harassed and fuck Superman. At the very least, the Zod scene could've had her taking charge of the situation for her own gratification ("Look, Zod, as long as I'm kneeling down here, why don't I take care of a few things?") instead of enjoying being raped. I mean, c'mon, porn film, where is your class?
ETA: Also, no Ursa lesbian scene? Sure, she "forced" Lois to give blowjobs to Zod and Non, but it can't really be a lesbian scene if there are dicks present.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-07-14 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-14 03:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-14 03:30 pm (UTC)Dude, spoilers. I'm sure there are at least five people who missed it on BBC/BBCA and somehow managed to avoid the spoilers.
Okay, maybe four.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 12:40 am (UTC)Soooooo it's not just me then. DO WANT!
no subject
Date: 2011-07-16 07:30 pm (UTC)Meanwhile, there is a new Supergirl version with Alanah Rae, which may or may not amuse you. If you haven't seen it, already.
Anyway, just passing through to say well done. Truly.
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