The Last Airbender

Oh man, this is terrible. I mean, you knew that, but wow. Not since Manos have I seen the MST3K crew have such a hard time with a movie. It's really its own best argument for racebending, because one look at this movie and you know these kids couldn't have been the best actors to audition. It's hard to tell if they're genuinely terrible or horribly directed with abyssal dialogue, but basically, every time the camera is on Zuko and Iroh, you feel like you're watching a kinda cool movie with neat costumes and compelling characters, then it switches to the Gaang and it's like you're watching a school play.

Moreover, this is possibly the worst adaptation I've ever seen. It's like if you gave someone a two-hour blank tape and asked them to tape all the important parts of the first season of Avatar... and then when you played it, they didn't skip the commercials. Yes, despite watching this on Blu-Ray, this movie presents the incredible feeling of being infested with commercials. Nothing seems to happen, and it's all happening at this breakneck pace. Aang gets freed from the ice and then immediately gets captured by the Fire Nation. Sokka and Yue pretty much take one look at each other and fall in love. It's awful.

Oh, and I know I'm like the restaurant patron who complained that the food was bad and the portions were too small, but that half-hour of cut material? Not on the Blu-Ray. There's about eleven minutes of deleted scenes, and most of them are black people dancing and extended fight scenes. I wanted to see the Kyoshi Warriors, if only to laugh at the awfulness. They really just make a cameo after an Earth Kingdom village gets freed, randomly stepping out from behind a crowd to flash their fans at the departing Gaang, then disappearing again while Sokka makes a DUR face. It's a nice Easter egg, so I wonder why they cut it out. It makes a lot more sense than including Azula for a cliffhanger ending. Yeah, that'll make sense to mainstream audiences. "Oh no, he's sending a 14-year-old girl after them! How will Aang get out of this one!"

There's also a scene where Aang meets with a literal Mystical Negro that was cut because he actually makes facial expressions in it.

Just... did no one ask any questions here? Like, isn't it a little silly to have Aang do a whole cheer routine just so he can use the air to push someone back a few feet? Or script notes, they still do that, right? Why does Aang get captured by the Fire Nation four times only to immediately escape each time? Why include Momo if he doesn't even do anything? And I don't mean, like, in terms of plot, I mean, he doesn't even look cute or get into comedy hijinks. He's just there. What's the point?

It's just such a bizarre blend of slavishly detrimental faithfulness to the source and change for the sake of change (like how to pronounce the character's names). Like, okay, why introduce a love interest in the third act and then expect her heroic sacrifice to mean something? Why not introduce her sooner and makes the heroes' goal to get her to the Northern Water Tribe? Or why have Aang immediately find out his people were killed and then angst about it for the rest of the movie? Why not have him hold out hope for a while, then get to the Northern Air Temple and find out about the genocide, giving him a long dark night of the soul to launch the third act? Or hell, why not cut out Zhao? He and Zuko have this entire conflict that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie, so why not give the fish-punching to Zuko to give him a "My god what have I done?" moment to kick-off his redemption arc?

I could take drastic departures from the source material if they had a point. But there's literally no thematic unity, no plot thoroughfare, no character arc, no central conflict, and no story structure in this movie. It's just a bunch of random scenes, so what's included and what's cut out doesn't have any bearing on anything. Also, racism.

Guild fic: Hardcore Gamer (Codex/Riley)

Title: Hardcore Gamer
Fandom: The Guild
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,606
Characters/Pairings: Codex/Riley
Summary: Codex and Riley play some games. It's an euphemism.

( Here's the deal, Wii gamer. You beat one level of an action game, a *real* game, and I let you have your copy of Catastrophe. )

Smallville 10x11 - Oh my god, they killed Daniel! You bastards!

Not gonna lie, guys, this episode was actually okay. There was fighting, people bantered, Michael Hogan grumbled... maybe I have low expectations, but yes, that is what I want from a cheesy-ass superhero fantasy. Legend of the Seeker did it every damn week while showcasing a bunch of awesome female characters, and that was based on Terry "Richardson" Goodkind. A series based on a canon with as many awesome ladies as DC comics (yes, I know it's far from perfect, but adaptation distillation shouldn't be particularly hard) should be able to pull off an hour of turn-your-brain-off fun every week. So am I still going to complain? Bet your ass.

So for the first, oh, twenty minutes we get Clark proposing to Lois, Lois accepting, Lois eating frogs (sorry), and what superheroes they could afford throwing the happy couple a party. Allison Mack even shows up in flashback, as Lois remembers asking her why Clark and Lana didn't work out.

It was a very long flashback.

Chloe: Well, first she fucked his arch-enemy. Then she was forced to marry his arch-enemy by his arch-enemy's father, who was really doing it for the greater good. Then she faked her death. Then she got kidnapped. Then, in denying Lex life-saving medicine, she was blasted with radiation and became a superhero, but at a terrible cost... never being able to be in the same room as Clark.

Lois: Doesn't sound that terrible.

Chloe: Terrible for Lana, I mean.

Lois: So, wait, if she's a superhero, how come she never helps out with our superhero-y stuff?

Chloe: We lured her into the attic of the barn and turned on angsty pop music to play while she stared out into the distance. We think she's still there.

Alright, I'll stop. But seriously, "they weren't meant to be together." Nice save, Chlo.

Meanwhile, Slade Wilson and the Vigilante Registration Act... which is now apparently a full-blown federal agency, complete with Gestapo-esque uniforms (!)... (!!!)... is installing metal detectors in the Daily Planet and enacting a curfew. I have no idea what either of these things will do to stop vigilantes. They'd be better off playing Katy Perry music on rooftops, thus severely compromising the heroes' ability to pose in a badass manner. They begin arresting the Justice League's support staff, like Dr. Hamilton, Tess, Lois, and oh let's say Stargirl. Believe me, if you're Alessandro Juliani, the last thing you want is for Michael Hogan to arrest you. If only because you won't be able to stop laughing at his completely ridiculous metal eyepatch. The point is, only a decade after 9/11 and years after Bush is out of office, someone is finally criticizing the War on Terror. That's some timely social satire, boys.

Did I mention how cool it is that instead of armies of Parademons, Dog Soldiers, and Female Furies, Darkseid is sending the TSA against our heroes?

For a long, boring stretch, our hero-ettes get interrogated. The guv'mint knows that Clark Kent is Superman... but how can this be, Superman wears a red jacket and Clark Kent wears business suits!... and demand to know where he is from the good guys, who are shockingly reticent to talk. As Lois notes, even though the VRA knows who the vigilantes are, they can't just go after them because then the public would turn on them. Finally, a criticism of the War on Terror that covers the government's complete unwillingness to throw innocent people in jail.

Anyway, Lois manages to get away... but leaving prisoners unattended always worked out so well in NO STORY EVER WRITTEN... and runs into Cat Grant, who sides with Lois after a brief pep talk.



Also, Michael Shanks gives us a little history lesson on Darkseid, who has apparently tried to attack the Earth multiple times... Hawkman ascribes both the Third Reich and the Spanish Inquisition to him, which I wasn't expecting... by the way, saying the Holocaust was the result of an evil space god? Classy... but has always been rebuffed. So, Darkseid isn't the greatest threat the galaxy has ever faced so much as this jerk who has to be told to fuck off every so often. So we've gone from "OH FUCH NO, DARKSEID, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" to "Meh, it's Darkseid again. Guess it's gonna take all out power to repeat the victory of some 15th-century Europeans."

And yes, eventually Slade tries to kill Lois, but Hawkman breaks in. Slade shoots at Hawkman... wait for it... he deflects with his bracer and pulls a mace... hooooold... Slade pulls a sword! Yes! Yes! Colonel Tigh and Daniel Jackson fucking DUEL in a Gestapo costume and the world's worst Hawkman cosplay!

So... beautifully... retarded...

After Slade stabs Hawkman, there's an explosion... someone just routed a pipe of pressurized gas through Slade's office, who built this place, Bevel Lemelisk?... Lois is blasted out the window, which she probably deserves for not helping out against Slade when she's an MMA champion or something, but Hawkman is able to save her.

Clark catches an apparently immortal (!) Slade leaving the premises, and after a brief "come to Darkseid" chat, Clark, uh... de-rezzes Slade with a Superman emblem. What was that even? Did he send him to the Phantom Zone? What's the point of that, why not just have him die in the explosion? Then he finds a dying Hawkman, who assures Clark that he'll soon be reborn. Anyone else amused that Michael Shanks is playing a character that dies a lot and is always resurrected? No?

Anyway, in Egypt the Justice League act as Hawkman's pallbearers while in costume... yeah, that's respectful... and bury him next to Shayera, whose mace is more petite than Hawkman's. Never too late for phallic symbolism. Then a... tiny pyramid comes up through the floor and bright-lights everyone unconscious? Apophis, no!

Speaking of Michael Shanks, let's talk about Claudia Black. Just to give you an idea of how lame Smallville is, it's a sci-fi show that's been on for ten years and Claudia Black hasn't shown up once! Couldn't she play Wonder Woman? I mean, they've done fucking Roulette, there's no excuse not to have Wonder Woman. In fact, you don't even need the rest of the cast. Give 'em the week off, entire episode of Claudia Black dressed as Wonder Woman. Just take any random episode out of the season, replace it with Claudia Black. I'll sum up what the audience has missed -- Clark and Lois are in love, Clark is judgy and anguished, and Darkseid is proving to be the greatest evil of all time by making random schlubs want to harm others (so he's at about the same power level as Bristol Palin's dancing).