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No shit, Sherlock
Feb. 20th, 2010 01:29 pmBefore we begin, I'd just like to point out that Maggie Q has been cast as the new La Femme Nikita. Shit just got real.
So I've been watching the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes on streaming Netflix and it's a revelation. Nothing against the Guy Ritchie Sherlock, but it's like putting Michael Keaton and Kevin Conroy against each other. One plays Batman, the other is Batman. Still, must be nice to be the screenwriter for the sequel. You're really spoilt for choice as to what to adapt. Take this CMOA right here, and I should note that Holmes's berserk button has been tapped by the story of the ruffian in the clip accosting a sweet young woman earlier.
The moral? Don't accost women. And if you do, don't give Sherlock Holmes an excuse to beat you down, because he will, with a straight left like the motherfucking gentleman he is!
Which brings me to Sherlock Holmes And The Vengeance of Dracula. It's an old spec script from the 90s that does exactly what it says on the tin, pit Holmes against Dracula, but the script never made it out of development hell. Honestly, I don't know how much of a loss that is. In a way, it's mostly just what you'd expect from Holmes fighting Dracula. There's Moriarty, Lestrade, a Renfeld character. It's all done competently, but it never really sparkles. I can see why Chris Columbus was interested in directing it.
The script, in case you're interested in reading for yourself.
And the dialogue... God. I think the effort started and stopped at buying a thesaurus.
HOLMES
Intriguing. You derive such immense satisfaction by squandering your mathematical genius merely to plot clever and complex felonies.
MORIARTY
While you delight in misapplying your own mental prowess merely to solve those very same felonies.
MORIARTY
Indeed. The Versailles Affair, for example, where I soundly outwitted you by employing a pair of identical twin safecrackers. You spurred me to my best efforts!
HOLMES
Or your theft of Oxford's Shakespearean Folio by substituting an expert forgery. My devising that trap to retrieve the manuscripts and ensnare your accomplices was an unforgettable challenge!
MORIARTY
Bah! 'Twas the ineptitude of my operatives that foiled me. My plan was brilliantly conceived!
Get a room, guys. And it goes on like that for 127 pages. For geniuses, they don't really indulge in much wordplay. Not even a pun, guys? Guys?
As for the story itself, it involves Dracula going for revenge against the characters who slew him in the novel, although the actual means of his resurrection is pretty weaksauce. It turns out that when Van Helsing staked him, he forgot to decapitate the count, so Dracula gets an extra life. Since Van Helsing is supposed to be the master vampire slayer, I don't really buy this. I kill Dracula, I'm burning the corpse and then putting the ashes in four different safety deposit boxes.
But Dracula is back, and when Moriarty and Sherlock get involved, the stakes quickly rise to encompass the whole world. And that's all very well and good, lots of action sequences and double-crossing and teaming-up... nothing that really makes me say "I've gotta see this on the big screen!", but hell, apparently Hollywood looks at Stretch Armstrong dolls and says that, so what do I know?
There's also the small matter of Sherlock Holmes. This being a movie, he of course gets a bit of character arc; namely, Defrosting the Ice Queen (pause for you to make the obligatory Watson/Holmes queen joke... and pause over). And okay, that's fine. But then there's the girl... Well, obviously, there's a girl. It's a movie, and no matter how hard a character screams (sometimes out loud) "I'm not into women!", they will never scream as loud as a producer going "Sandra Bullock loves the script." But God, this woman...
( Think the Mary Sue Report is still taking applications? )
So I've been watching the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes on streaming Netflix and it's a revelation. Nothing against the Guy Ritchie Sherlock, but it's like putting Michael Keaton and Kevin Conroy against each other. One plays Batman, the other is Batman. Still, must be nice to be the screenwriter for the sequel. You're really spoilt for choice as to what to adapt. Take this CMOA right here, and I should note that Holmes's berserk button has been tapped by the story of the ruffian in the clip accosting a sweet young woman earlier.
The moral? Don't accost women. And if you do, don't give Sherlock Holmes an excuse to beat you down, because he will, with a straight left like the motherfucking gentleman he is!
Which brings me to Sherlock Holmes And The Vengeance of Dracula. It's an old spec script from the 90s that does exactly what it says on the tin, pit Holmes against Dracula, but the script never made it out of development hell. Honestly, I don't know how much of a loss that is. In a way, it's mostly just what you'd expect from Holmes fighting Dracula. There's Moriarty, Lestrade, a Renfeld character. It's all done competently, but it never really sparkles. I can see why Chris Columbus was interested in directing it.
The script, in case you're interested in reading for yourself.
And the dialogue... God. I think the effort started and stopped at buying a thesaurus.
HOLMES
Intriguing. You derive such immense satisfaction by squandering your mathematical genius merely to plot clever and complex felonies.
MORIARTY
While you delight in misapplying your own mental prowess merely to solve those very same felonies.
MORIARTY
Indeed. The Versailles Affair, for example, where I soundly outwitted you by employing a pair of identical twin safecrackers. You spurred me to my best efforts!
HOLMES
Or your theft of Oxford's Shakespearean Folio by substituting an expert forgery. My devising that trap to retrieve the manuscripts and ensnare your accomplices was an unforgettable challenge!
MORIARTY
Bah! 'Twas the ineptitude of my operatives that foiled me. My plan was brilliantly conceived!
Get a room, guys. And it goes on like that for 127 pages. For geniuses, they don't really indulge in much wordplay. Not even a pun, guys? Guys?
As for the story itself, it involves Dracula going for revenge against the characters who slew him in the novel, although the actual means of his resurrection is pretty weaksauce. It turns out that when Van Helsing staked him, he forgot to decapitate the count, so Dracula gets an extra life. Since Van Helsing is supposed to be the master vampire slayer, I don't really buy this. I kill Dracula, I'm burning the corpse and then putting the ashes in four different safety deposit boxes.
But Dracula is back, and when Moriarty and Sherlock get involved, the stakes quickly rise to encompass the whole world. And that's all very well and good, lots of action sequences and double-crossing and teaming-up... nothing that really makes me say "I've gotta see this on the big screen!", but hell, apparently Hollywood looks at Stretch Armstrong dolls and says that, so what do I know?
There's also the small matter of Sherlock Holmes. This being a movie, he of course gets a bit of character arc; namely, Defrosting the Ice Queen (pause for you to make the obligatory Watson/Holmes queen joke... and pause over). And okay, that's fine. But then there's the girl... Well, obviously, there's a girl. It's a movie, and no matter how hard a character screams (sometimes out loud) "I'm not into women!", they will never scream as loud as a producer going "Sandra Bullock loves the script." But God, this woman...
( Think the Mary Sue Report is still taking applications? )
