No shit, Sherlock
Feb. 20th, 2010 01:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficBefore we begin, I'd just like to point out that Maggie Q has been cast as the new La Femme Nikita. Shit just got real.
So I've been watching the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes on streaming Netflix and it's a revelation. Nothing against the Guy Ritchie Sherlock, but it's like putting Michael Keaton and Kevin Conroy against each other. One plays Batman, the other is Batman. Still, must be nice to be the screenwriter for the sequel. You're really spoilt for choice as to what to adapt. Take this CMOA right here, and I should note that Holmes's berserk button has been tapped by the story of the ruffian in the clip accosting a sweet young woman earlier.
The moral? Don't accost women. And if you do, don't give Sherlock Holmes an excuse to beat you down, because he will, with a straight left like the motherfucking gentleman he is!
Which brings me to Sherlock Holmes And The Vengeance of Dracula. It's an old spec script from the 90s that does exactly what it says on the tin, pit Holmes against Dracula, but the script never made it out of development hell. Honestly, I don't know how much of a loss that is. In a way, it's mostly just what you'd expect from Holmes fighting Dracula. There's Moriarty, Lestrade, a Renfeld character. It's all done competently, but it never really sparkles. I can see why Chris Columbus was interested in directing it.
The script, in case you're interested in reading for yourself.
And the dialogue... God. I think the effort started and stopped at buying a thesaurus.
HOLMES
Intriguing. You derive such immense satisfaction by squandering your mathematical genius merely to plot clever and complex felonies.
MORIARTY
While you delight in misapplying your own mental prowess merely to solve those very same felonies.
MORIARTY
Indeed. The Versailles Affair, for example, where I soundly outwitted you by employing a pair of identical twin safecrackers. You spurred me to my best efforts!
HOLMES
Or your theft of Oxford's Shakespearean Folio by substituting an expert forgery. My devising that trap to retrieve the manuscripts and ensnare your accomplices was an unforgettable challenge!
MORIARTY
Bah! 'Twas the ineptitude of my operatives that foiled me. My plan was brilliantly conceived!
Get a room, guys. And it goes on like that for 127 pages. For geniuses, they don't really indulge in much wordplay. Not even a pun, guys? Guys?
As for the story itself, it involves Dracula going for revenge against the characters who slew him in the novel, although the actual means of his resurrection is pretty weaksauce. It turns out that when Van Helsing staked him, he forgot to decapitate the count, so Dracula gets an extra life. Since Van Helsing is supposed to be the master vampire slayer, I don't really buy this. I kill Dracula, I'm burning the corpse and then putting the ashes in four different safety deposit boxes.
But Dracula is back, and when Moriarty and Sherlock get involved, the stakes quickly rise to encompass the whole world. And that's all very well and good, lots of action sequences and double-crossing and teaming-up... nothing that really makes me say "I've gotta see this on the big screen!", but hell, apparently Hollywood looks at Stretch Armstrong dolls and says that, so what do I know?
There's also the small matter of Sherlock Holmes. This being a movie, he of course gets a bit of character arc; namely, Defrosting the Ice Queen (pause for you to make the obligatory Watson/Holmes queen joke... and pause over). And okay, that's fine. But then there's the girl... Well, obviously, there's a girl. It's a movie, and no matter how hard a character screams (sometimes out loud) "I'm not into women!", they will never scream as loud as a producer going "Sandra Bullock loves the script." But God, this woman...
Her name is Constance Bracknell and she's the niece of one of Dracula's victims, so she gets Sherlock involved to investigate. She's also a suffragette, so she likes to ride bicycles and wear trousers and such. Okay, so far so good. So she meets with Holmes and he does the standard "ah, I see you've been riding a bicycle through Hyde Park" routine.
WATSON
Impressive, isn't it?
CONSTANCE
I suppose. You undoubtedly observed the cherry blossom petals on my shawl which fell from the trees in bloom surrounding Hyde Park. The pavement along Waterbury Street is currenly under construction, which you rightly deduced as the source of the dried mortar dust soiling the hem of my skirt.
(indicates her skirt)
And most likely you noticed the slight callouses on my hands -- the result of repeatedly gripping my bicycle's steering handles.
Okay, that's kinda funny. But whose Mary Sue warning bells aren't ringing? After all, part of what makes Sherlock Holmes so special is that he's the only guy who can do this! And for that power, he's sacrificed pretty much any and all social skills. So if you introduce a charming young lady who just happens to be able to do anything Sherlock Holmes can do, better, teehee, I think people will tend to resent her.
Then she leaves.
WATSON
A very outspoken young lady. Quite pretty, too, wouldn't you say?
HOLMES
I never allow my judgment to be biased by the physical attributes of a client. Especially a female client.
Oh Holmes, being a professional? Treating people equally? When will you learn!
But hey, it's not like random people stop them in the street and tell them they'd be good together.
When A STREET PHOTOGRAPHER with a thick walrus mustache approaches, holding a large, clumsy CAMERA mounted to a tripod.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Good day, sir, to such a lovely couple! You and the miss should have a photograph made together!
...
HOLMES
(red-faced)
She is not my sweetheart. Now kindly leave us alone!
PHOTOGRAPHER
Will do, guv'nor. Though I'd sure act fast 'fore some other bloke snatches her up, I would.
Uh... huh. Even Dracula gets in on the act!
DRACULA
Your mother is a fool. Never allow your desires to be tamed by the trifling conventions of a timid and mundane society. A spirit such as yours requires -- demands -- the freedom to flower. And bloom.
So what becomes of our strong-willed heroine? Well, Dracula tries to make her his queen, as you do, and she's so traumatized by this that she blocks out all memory of Count Dracula. And everyone else just goes along with it. (So you see, Holmes must always be separated by the woman he loves for her own good, choke.) Note to aspiring storytellers: Amnesia is never a satisfying ending. You know how people like character arcs? Amnesia pretty much gives the finger to those. It's like a reset button for personal growth. Try something else.
I can understand the impulse to create a love interest "worthy" of Sherlock Holmes, but by making a character too perfect, you tend to oversell her to the audience. It's like those little icons on a Windows taskbar that keep going "Update me, update me!" Just shut the fuck up and let me download my porn in peace, damnit!
Now if you fixed the character of Constance and went all Whedon on the dialogue (irony, look it up) and maybe came up with something like Moriarty intentionally resurrecting Dracula to explain the count's reappearance, then you'd have something.
So I've been watching the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes on streaming Netflix and it's a revelation. Nothing against the Guy Ritchie Sherlock, but it's like putting Michael Keaton and Kevin Conroy against each other. One plays Batman, the other is Batman. Still, must be nice to be the screenwriter for the sequel. You're really spoilt for choice as to what to adapt. Take this CMOA right here, and I should note that Holmes's berserk button has been tapped by the story of the ruffian in the clip accosting a sweet young woman earlier.
The moral? Don't accost women. And if you do, don't give Sherlock Holmes an excuse to beat you down, because he will, with a straight left like the motherfucking gentleman he is!
Which brings me to Sherlock Holmes And The Vengeance of Dracula. It's an old spec script from the 90s that does exactly what it says on the tin, pit Holmes against Dracula, but the script never made it out of development hell. Honestly, I don't know how much of a loss that is. In a way, it's mostly just what you'd expect from Holmes fighting Dracula. There's Moriarty, Lestrade, a Renfeld character. It's all done competently, but it never really sparkles. I can see why Chris Columbus was interested in directing it.
The script, in case you're interested in reading for yourself.
And the dialogue... God. I think the effort started and stopped at buying a thesaurus.
HOLMES
Intriguing. You derive such immense satisfaction by squandering your mathematical genius merely to plot clever and complex felonies.
MORIARTY
While you delight in misapplying your own mental prowess merely to solve those very same felonies.
MORIARTY
Indeed. The Versailles Affair, for example, where I soundly outwitted you by employing a pair of identical twin safecrackers. You spurred me to my best efforts!
HOLMES
Or your theft of Oxford's Shakespearean Folio by substituting an expert forgery. My devising that trap to retrieve the manuscripts and ensnare your accomplices was an unforgettable challenge!
MORIARTY
Bah! 'Twas the ineptitude of my operatives that foiled me. My plan was brilliantly conceived!
Get a room, guys. And it goes on like that for 127 pages. For geniuses, they don't really indulge in much wordplay. Not even a pun, guys? Guys?
As for the story itself, it involves Dracula going for revenge against the characters who slew him in the novel, although the actual means of his resurrection is pretty weaksauce. It turns out that when Van Helsing staked him, he forgot to decapitate the count, so Dracula gets an extra life. Since Van Helsing is supposed to be the master vampire slayer, I don't really buy this. I kill Dracula, I'm burning the corpse and then putting the ashes in four different safety deposit boxes.
But Dracula is back, and when Moriarty and Sherlock get involved, the stakes quickly rise to encompass the whole world. And that's all very well and good, lots of action sequences and double-crossing and teaming-up... nothing that really makes me say "I've gotta see this on the big screen!", but hell, apparently Hollywood looks at Stretch Armstrong dolls and says that, so what do I know?
There's also the small matter of Sherlock Holmes. This being a movie, he of course gets a bit of character arc; namely, Defrosting the Ice Queen (pause for you to make the obligatory Watson/Holmes queen joke... and pause over). And okay, that's fine. But then there's the girl... Well, obviously, there's a girl. It's a movie, and no matter how hard a character screams (sometimes out loud) "I'm not into women!", they will never scream as loud as a producer going "Sandra Bullock loves the script." But God, this woman...
Her name is Constance Bracknell and she's the niece of one of Dracula's victims, so she gets Sherlock involved to investigate. She's also a suffragette, so she likes to ride bicycles and wear trousers and such. Okay, so far so good. So she meets with Holmes and he does the standard "ah, I see you've been riding a bicycle through Hyde Park" routine.
WATSON
Impressive, isn't it?
CONSTANCE
I suppose. You undoubtedly observed the cherry blossom petals on my shawl which fell from the trees in bloom surrounding Hyde Park. The pavement along Waterbury Street is currenly under construction, which you rightly deduced as the source of the dried mortar dust soiling the hem of my skirt.
(indicates her skirt)
And most likely you noticed the slight callouses on my hands -- the result of repeatedly gripping my bicycle's steering handles.
Okay, that's kinda funny. But whose Mary Sue warning bells aren't ringing? After all, part of what makes Sherlock Holmes so special is that he's the only guy who can do this! And for that power, he's sacrificed pretty much any and all social skills. So if you introduce a charming young lady who just happens to be able to do anything Sherlock Holmes can do, better, teehee, I think people will tend to resent her.
Then she leaves.
WATSON
A very outspoken young lady. Quite pretty, too, wouldn't you say?
HOLMES
I never allow my judgment to be biased by the physical attributes of a client. Especially a female client.
Oh Holmes, being a professional? Treating people equally? When will you learn!
But hey, it's not like random people stop them in the street and tell them they'd be good together.
When A STREET PHOTOGRAPHER with a thick walrus mustache approaches, holding a large, clumsy CAMERA mounted to a tripod.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Good day, sir, to such a lovely couple! You and the miss should have a photograph made together!
...
HOLMES
(red-faced)
She is not my sweetheart. Now kindly leave us alone!
PHOTOGRAPHER
Will do, guv'nor. Though I'd sure act fast 'fore some other bloke snatches her up, I would.
Uh... huh. Even Dracula gets in on the act!
DRACULA
Your mother is a fool. Never allow your desires to be tamed by the trifling conventions of a timid and mundane society. A spirit such as yours requires -- demands -- the freedom to flower. And bloom.
So what becomes of our strong-willed heroine? Well, Dracula tries to make her his queen, as you do, and she's so traumatized by this that she blocks out all memory of Count Dracula. And everyone else just goes along with it. (So you see, Holmes must always be separated by the woman he loves for her own good, choke.) Note to aspiring storytellers: Amnesia is never a satisfying ending. You know how people like character arcs? Amnesia pretty much gives the finger to those. It's like a reset button for personal growth. Try something else.
I can understand the impulse to create a love interest "worthy" of Sherlock Holmes, but by making a character too perfect, you tend to oversell her to the audience. It's like those little icons on a Windows taskbar that keep going "Update me, update me!" Just shut the fuck up and let me download my porn in peace, damnit!
Now if you fixed the character of Constance and went all Whedon on the dialogue (irony, look it up) and maybe came up with something like Moriarty intentionally resurrecting Dracula to explain the count's reappearance, then you'd have something.
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