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seriousficTitle: Prep Time = Foreplay
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Bruce/Clark
Word Count: 611
Summary: When it comes to sex, Batman is never unprepared.
Superman hovered, so nervous he was not quite sure whether to fly away or firmly set his feet down on Bruce Wayne’s very nice Persian carpeting. This made him easy to maneuver, as Batman tugged him like a balloon on the string through the penthouse, almost like a furniture mover at work. Finally, Superman was shoved over the bed, floating over it. Batman gritted his teeth impatiently and tugged on Clark’s cape, trying to literally bring him down to earth.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Clark asked innocently.
“I’m here, aren’t I?” Batman began disrobing with curt efficiency, stacking all his armor in discrete piles for ease and speed of dressing later. “We have ten minutes. After that, Bruce Wayne is expected to make an international phone call to the Tokyo office, then I have a case involving anthropomorphic cockroaches robbing convenience stores.”
Superman sat up, if it could be called that while floating. “Anthropomorphic cockroaches?”
Batman nodded. “It’s a very tough case. You’re still wearing clothes.”
“Sorry,” Clark said, and took off his cape.
Batman grunted and swept it off the bed where it had landed. He opened a compartment on his utility belt, which was slung over his naked shoulder, and took out a small vial, like a can of mace. He set it down on the bedstand.
“What’s that?” Clark asked, undoing his belt.
“Lubricant.”
Clark raised an eyebrow.
Bruce raised an eyebrow, far more suggestively. “It has any number of applications. Slipping out of loose manacles, greasing the Batmobile’s parts…”
“Uh-huh.” Clark tugged off his boots. “What else?”
Batman took a condom from another compartment.
“Great Rao, Bruce!”
“There are times when fellow members of my teams engage in sexual intercourse. Contracting a sexually-transmitted disease or being involved with an unplanned pregnancy would compromise their efficiency.”
“So you bring enough for the rest of the class?”
Bruce almost sniffed disdainfully. “I don’t partake.”
“Except when you have ten minutes before you have to call Tokyo.”
“Nine minutes. Hurry it up.”
Superman peeled off his tunic, folding it neatly before he set it aside, with the yellow shield facing up with due reverence.
“Clark!” Batman groused.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Batman growled, and began pulling a condom on. Superman found it very hard to look away from. “What?”
“Nothing.” Superman peeled off his red stockings and set those aside as well. Batman fixated on them with laser intensity. “What? Ma insists. It’s cold in the vacuum of space. Besides, they’re comfy…” He glanced at the condom again, the way Batman was lazily jacking himself erect as he secured it. “Is that really necessary?”
“I don’t know. Do you have a list of all your sexual partners within the last year, as well as a detailed medical report testing you for both terrestrial and extraterrestrial STDs?”
“What do you think I am, Bruce? Some kind of alien slut-boy tease?”
“You’re only a tease if you don’t follow through. You’re not going to be a tease any longer. This will go easier if you don’t have the pants.”
Superman hesitated with his belt undone. “Bruce?”
“Yes?” Batman groaned impatiently. He drew the covers back to give his hands something to do, with a very implicit order in the action.
“What if I’m not gay? I mean, Lana and I were pretty close… and it’s so hard for me to stop thinking of Lois, even now.”
“I have just the thing.”
Batman opened up the third compartment on his utility belt, took out a small pink chunk of rock, and set it down on the bedstand. It glowed.
“Boy Scout motto: Always be prepared. Surely you can appreciate that, Kal-El.”
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Bruce/Clark
Word Count: 611
Summary: When it comes to sex, Batman is never unprepared.
Superman hovered, so nervous he was not quite sure whether to fly away or firmly set his feet down on Bruce Wayne’s very nice Persian carpeting. This made him easy to maneuver, as Batman tugged him like a balloon on the string through the penthouse, almost like a furniture mover at work. Finally, Superman was shoved over the bed, floating over it. Batman gritted his teeth impatiently and tugged on Clark’s cape, trying to literally bring him down to earth.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Clark asked innocently.
“I’m here, aren’t I?” Batman began disrobing with curt efficiency, stacking all his armor in discrete piles for ease and speed of dressing later. “We have ten minutes. After that, Bruce Wayne is expected to make an international phone call to the Tokyo office, then I have a case involving anthropomorphic cockroaches robbing convenience stores.”
Superman sat up, if it could be called that while floating. “Anthropomorphic cockroaches?”
Batman nodded. “It’s a very tough case. You’re still wearing clothes.”
“Sorry,” Clark said, and took off his cape.
Batman grunted and swept it off the bed where it had landed. He opened a compartment on his utility belt, which was slung over his naked shoulder, and took out a small vial, like a can of mace. He set it down on the bedstand.
“What’s that?” Clark asked, undoing his belt.
“Lubricant.”
Clark raised an eyebrow.
Bruce raised an eyebrow, far more suggestively. “It has any number of applications. Slipping out of loose manacles, greasing the Batmobile’s parts…”
“Uh-huh.” Clark tugged off his boots. “What else?”
Batman took a condom from another compartment.
“Great Rao, Bruce!”
“There are times when fellow members of my teams engage in sexual intercourse. Contracting a sexually-transmitted disease or being involved with an unplanned pregnancy would compromise their efficiency.”
“So you bring enough for the rest of the class?”
Bruce almost sniffed disdainfully. “I don’t partake.”
“Except when you have ten minutes before you have to call Tokyo.”
“Nine minutes. Hurry it up.”
Superman peeled off his tunic, folding it neatly before he set it aside, with the yellow shield facing up with due reverence.
“Clark!” Batman groused.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Batman growled, and began pulling a condom on. Superman found it very hard to look away from. “What?”
“Nothing.” Superman peeled off his red stockings and set those aside as well. Batman fixated on them with laser intensity. “What? Ma insists. It’s cold in the vacuum of space. Besides, they’re comfy…” He glanced at the condom again, the way Batman was lazily jacking himself erect as he secured it. “Is that really necessary?”
“I don’t know. Do you have a list of all your sexual partners within the last year, as well as a detailed medical report testing you for both terrestrial and extraterrestrial STDs?”
“What do you think I am, Bruce? Some kind of alien slut-boy tease?”
“You’re only a tease if you don’t follow through. You’re not going to be a tease any longer. This will go easier if you don’t have the pants.”
Superman hesitated with his belt undone. “Bruce?”
“Yes?” Batman groaned impatiently. He drew the covers back to give his hands something to do, with a very implicit order in the action.
“What if I’m not gay? I mean, Lana and I were pretty close… and it’s so hard for me to stop thinking of Lois, even now.”
“I have just the thing.”
Batman opened up the third compartment on his utility belt, took out a small pink chunk of rock, and set it down on the bedstand. It glowed.
“Boy Scout motto: Always be prepared. Surely you can appreciate that, Kal-El.”
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no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 07:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 09:53 am (UTC)Luckily I'm beverageless.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 12:40 pm (UTC)Love the pink kryptonite coming in for the save at the end!
*grins*
This was awesome.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 01:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 02:44 pm (UTC)O_O
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! XD ROFL. Damn, this Bruce is perfect. He certainly *is* prepared for every contingency!
no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 04:48 pm (UTC)*sputters*
Oh MY! Oh, Lord, that was perfect! I'm going to stop giggling any minute now. Probably.
The whole thing was a joy of cosmic proportions, but for some reason the image of Bruce pulling Clark along like a balloon just will not go away. I ... just loved it.
Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 07:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-13 08:14 pm (UTC)God, Bruce. Even when you're about to have sex you're paranoid.
And Ending = full of win! XD
no subject
Date: 2008-02-14 01:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-15 08:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-17 07:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-17 07:06 pm (UTC)Except the Spanish Inquisition.
Nobody expects that.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-17 07:07 pm (UTC)ESPECIALLY when he's about to have sex.
After Damian, can you blame the guy?
no subject
Date: 2008-02-17 07:08 pm (UTC)That's gonna make the Macy's Day Parade interesting.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-17 07:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-18 12:47 pm (UTC)Plus the image of Bruce pulling Kal-El along is ADORABLE.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 01:30 am (UTC)LMAO! Hey, no fair, hiding awesomeness in the comments. =P
Aside from that, this fic was HILARIOUS. Loved this bit of banter:
“There are times when fellow members of my teams engage in sexual intercourse. Contracting a sexually-transmitted disease or being involved with an unplanned pregnancy would compromise their efficiency.”
“So you bring enough for the rest of the class?”
Bruce almost sniffed disdainfully. “I don’t partake.”
“Except when you have ten minutes before you have to call Tokyo.”
And anthropomorphic cockroaches WTF? Oh, Gotham, you never cease to amaze me ...
This was classic Clark:
Ma insists. It’s cold in the vacuum of space.
And the ending! OMG! I completely was not expecting that. Bruce ensuring that Kal's sexual orientation is in his favor FTW. XD
Anne Hathaway finally got smart
Date: 2008-10-07 12:56 am (UTC)The "Devil Wears Prada" star has ditched her Italian rapscallion boyfriend after four years of suffering through his innumerable brushes with scandal and bad publicity, it was reported yesterday.
Hathaway finally decided to part ways with shady real-estate peddler Raffaello Follieri because of the effect his business dealings could have on her blooming career, the Daily Mail of London reported.
"It's heartbreaking for her to dump him, and she's devastated that it's come to this, but she really didn't have a choice. His scandals were hurting her reputation," the paper quoted an unnamed source close to Hathaway, who stars in "Get Smart," which opens Friday.
A source familiar with the situation told The Post, "Her dad has hired PIs and has been after her for a while to do it."
Hathaway's spokesman declined to comment on the report. Follieri was in Italy yesterday and could not be reached for comment. His spokeswoman did not return calls.
The split comes a little more than a week after The Post revealed that state Attorney General Andrew Cuomo was investigating Follieri's charitable foundation.
Hathaway had, until recently, sat on its board of directors.
The 29-year-old shyster was also arrested in April for allegedly kiting a $215,000 check to a New Jersey real-estate magnate. The charges were later dropped after Follieri made good on the rubber check.
He has also been sued by California supermarket mogul Ron Burkle in Delaware courts over a multimillion-dollar joint real-estate venture that went sour.
Burkle accused Follieri in a civil suit of misusing some $55 million from the venture, in which they planned to make money buying and reselling properties owned by the Catholic Church.
The money allegedly funded a lavish jet-set lifestyle that helped catch the eye of Hathaway. They started dating in 2005.
Follieri also recently battled in a Washington, DC, court with a PR firm that represented him during the Burkle entanglement.
He was ordered to pay nearly $240,000 to the Carmen Group after he was found in default last December.
He was also sued by a New Jersey private-jet service that claims Follieri's joint venture with Burkle - Follieri Yucaipa Investments LLC - failed to pay $458,852 in chartering costs for nine flights between September 2007 and January 2008.