Random Doctor Who anti-squee (spoilers throughout... everything)

[seriousfic]

Well, in terms of fannish rage, not story-destroying evil. Nothing will surpass BND for that. If Iron Man 2 starts with Tony Stark and Rhodey and undead Yinsen gang-raping Pepper Potts, I'll still say "Well, at least it's not Brand New Day."

But that's enough talk about comics, I'm boring the DW people, since there's not too much overlap between the fandoms otherwise I would write that crossover where Tim Drake becomes obsessed with the Doctor and stalks former companions to get the tips to become a companion himself. Onto the hate!

I thought last week that Rose Tyler was a super-spehial Mary-Sue, showing up with a SUPER-SPEHIAL DALEK-KILLING GUN. This week confirms it. So hard. She never rode a unicorn horse through a mirror, but that's Moff's gig then isn't it? More on this later.

The second Doctor was such an obvious "Eccleston goes here!" bit that I'm shocked they bothered to keep it when Eccleston said "I'd rather play Destro in a fucking G.I. Joe movie from the maker of Van Fucking Helsing then get in on this." The episode would've been five times stronger easily if Donna were the second Doctor all on her own. As is, all I can think is that David Tennant's overacting finally became too much for one character. By season ten, it's gonna be like Agent Smith in The Matrix sequels and just as quality.

Second Doctor is pretty much the most naked (literally) contrivance to ever show up in fiction. More naked than Charlize Theron Kryptonite from Hancock. More naked than the crystal skull. So naked that fucking Tintin would watch this and go "Now isn't that a bit cheap?" He exists to genocide the Daleks so the real Doctor doesn't have to (like. this. will. last.), then so that Rose can have her own human Doctor (although why his head doesn't splode like Donna's, I have no idea). AWWWWWWW, ISN'T THAT SPECIAL! EXCUSE ME WHILE I VOMIT! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SHIP, IT'S JUST MY BULIMIA! God, god, god, god, god! That scene in Bad Wolf Bay was the most masturbatory bit ever put to film. Don't watch it if you ever intend to enjoy Casablanca again. The Doctor tells Mary-Sue Tyler that she has to leave him to be with himself, thus everyone gets to have a tragic and martyr-y end while still getting to have lots of sex. Hey, Doctor, can we time travel back to the 90s so you can GAG ME WITH A SPOON?

Then, just when the viewer is getting done retching from the gymnastics the plot has done through to give RTD’s Mary-Sue a Tiemcock (so acrobatic that it should try out for the Olympics), we get the charming spectacle of the Doctor putting Donna down like a dog while she begs him not to. He mind-rapes her, undoing all the character development we’ve seen so she can go back to being a stupid bitch (and nowhere do we get even the slightest hope that she’s retained some of the brilliant Donna Noble, or was brilliant to begin with, or anything that isn't nakedly designed to be as tragic as possible because God forbid anyone should smile in the last ten seconds of a Doctor Who season). And in a super naked rip-off of Doomsday, she can never see him again (in an even, even more naked rip-off, we get a “TONIGHT SOMEONE DIES!” episode and it turns out to be a metaphorical death. The only twist is that this time you WISH the beloved fan character had died).

Martha fans, you have lost your license to complain about Last of the Time Lords forever and eternity. And why? So that the Doctor can look sad. After all the convulsions of plot we’ve seen to send one-shot crapsack characters like River Song and Jenny into heavenly bliss, the plot picks now to say “you can’t always get what you want”? Screw that noise. Seriously. SCREW. THAT. NOISE. EVEN THE FUCKING MASTER GOT AN OUT! And he was a fucking asshole.

But let’s talk about the first fifty minutes. Empty spectacle, craziness, yadda yadda. I do love that the Second Doctor decides to shoot Davros by, apparently, deciding to run UP RIGHT NEXT TO HIM and fire. I’d love to see him use a knife. “Now let me back up, so that the backwash doesn’t singe me.” I guess it's now canon that ordinary humans can't do anything right, you have to have a wee bit of David Tennant (at least) to get something done. I don't know why anyone else ever bothers. Just sit at home and let the Doctor solve things. It hasn't failed yet.

Okay, I get that we need to get rid of Catherine Tate, but seriously. SERIOUSLY. We waste dozens of minutes on a pointless subplot so that Rose can have her very own Doctor and yet they can’t think of a better send-off for Donna? A clean death would’ve been better. Sending her to the parallel universe would’ve been better. Just picking up on the Christmas special with Donna saying “sorry, I’ve caught the flu, I’d better stay home and get plenty of bedrest, come and pick me up in two week’s time” would’ve been better.

Oh, by the way, the Doctor chiding his doppelganger for killing off the genocidal, insane, clone Daleks (without a hint of irony or self-loathing) then mind-raping Donna? Nice. Real nice. That climbs Mount Nice and plants the flag of Nicetonia at its peak.

This would’ve retroactively given the mean-spiritedness of the Library arc some meaning. I like it a lot and I’m going to assume this is what happened after the Doctor figured out how to cure Donna, BECAUSE FRIENDS DO NOT LEAVE FRIENDS WITH A DEADLY CONDITION THAT DEPENDS UPON NEVER HEARING ABOUT SOMEONE WHO SAVES THE WORLD ON A DAY-TO-DAY FUCKING BASIS! JESUS H. TAPDANCING CHRIST WITH A HALF-HUMAN CLONE! It happened like this.

Wilf: Goodbye Doctor.

TARDIS disappears… TARDIS reappears. The Doctor jumps out, with a crazy beard and shit.

Doctor: Whew, decades sure fly, don’t they? Here’s a cure for your daughter. Sorry it took so long. I spent a little time moping.

Wilf: A…

Doctor: Alright, a lot of time.

Wilf: We…

Doctor: LOOK, HOW MUCH I MOPE IS MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS! I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I WANT!

Look, production team… RTD… fangirls… I know how pretty you think David Tennant is when he looks sad. But the mission statement of Doctor Who is not “make David Tennant prettily sad”. If it was, we could just kick him in the crotch for forty-five minutes each week, which is tempting after some episodes.

How squicky and wrong is it that heroic Donna pretty much ends up with the same fate as the bastard Adam from season one? Someone snaps their fingers around him and he’ll be cut up by the government; someone tries to figure out a name for their band around Donna and she’s dead meat. “Tardo, Tardei… TARDIS, that’s a great name for a band!” “OMG DED.”

With the half-humanness and the mind-melding, is it now official that the Doctor is Spock?

The only bright point is that with the plethora of fan-friendly revisiting done in this season to fix old problems (the Ood got an episode. THE FUCKING OOD), it may be inevitable that Donna will get a proper exit. Although given that Moffet is taking over and Donna is both a woman and a companion he didn’t invent, I imagine it will go like this.

Donna: Doctor! I got all my memories back! I REMEM—

Doctor: (slaps her until she bursts into tears) MAKE ME A TIME-SANDWICH!

Calling this episode bad fanfiction is an insult to bad fanfiction. Because even BAD FANFICTION is less sexist than this. How else do you explain how a season about Donna Noble, Supertemp, the Doctor’s equal (complete with not-fawning!), ends with the Great and Mighty Doctor giving That Uppity Bitch whatfor? Boo, RTD, you whore. At least this eases the pain of seeing him go. If more of this was what we had to look forward to, viva la revolucion.

Comments

[box-in-the-box.livejournal.com]

Donna: Doctor! I got all my memories back! I REMEM—

Doctor: (slaps her until she bursts into tears) MAKE ME A TIME-SANDWICH!

What's really scary is, I'd actually be interested in seeing this, as an out-of-continuity "Turn Left" episode.

Except I'd be much worse. Brendan Block as a fob-watched Dark!Ten. :)

And I thought I'd be the only one making a BND comparison.

[black13.livejournal.com]

"the Doctor chiding his doppelganger for killing off the genocidal, insane, clone Daleks (without a hint of irony or self-loathing)"

You shouldn't forget that for the Doctor, wiping out the Daleks is a "been there, done that" kind of thing.

[museofspeed.livejournal.com]

Y'know, as I was watching it, I noticed all the bits that were just so fucking contrived (Like the random fake regeneration...you didn't even mention that bit), but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it immensely.

Except for the end. That I have to entirely agree with you about that. As much as Donna annoyed me when she first appeared, she became my favorite companion pretty damn quickly. And I had liked Rose. But then there's just...bang! Time wipe!

I'd have preferred it if they killed her. Would have at least given her a respectful end. And as an added bonus, David Tennant could still look sad about it!

Also, I think Martha is much cooler when she's working alone.

[wow-hazmat.livejournal.com]

New season started, I take it?

(Classic Who fan, woefully behind on latest news/gossip.)

[mcity.livejournal.com]

I'm just disappointed that she didn't actually die. If she dies, she dies, not her accumulated personality dies. Not like a certain recent movie I won't name for spoilers, wherein the lead's development was the entire point of the film, and watching them go is effectively watching them die. No. Davies, just kill Donna and be done with it. She's dead, so sad, and she's not coming back.