The Incredible Hulk review/rant
Jun. 23rd, 2008 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficThe Incredible Hulk starts with a rather nifty opening sequence that’s something like the cinematic equivalent of those recap pages in the comic books. It basically does in five minutes what The Nondescript Hulk did in an hour, and without Hulk Dogs to boot. Failed lab experiment, tragic separation from Betty Ross, hunt by General Ross.
I suppose it’s here I should mention that I prefer Sam Elliot’s Ross. Hurt’s is less sympathetic and more openly villainous, especially since his motivation has shifted from containing a dangerous monster to persecuting an innocent man for (say it with me, now) the perfect killing machine. As cruel as this sounds, I think he should watch some Sci-Fi Channel movies. The perfect soldier isn’t in a laboratory or a cloning facility. It’s right here, in our hearts.
Anyway, five years have passed since the accident. Bruce is in Brazil, where he’s been lying low without Hulking out for several months. Which is a very natural segue to Edward Norton. While this isn’t his movie the way Iron Man’s is RDJ’s, I think he does a good job with it. He imbues the part with heroism, charisma, and cleverness, so while his character isn’t as flashy as Tony Stark, he’s still fun to spend time with in-between the Hulk smash. What really helps is that instead of languishing in his angst like a lot of superheroes, he’s actively working to better his circumstances. Plus, he has a really cool dog that’s probably as close as movieverse will get to Rick Jones. The dog’s about as helpful to boot.
If I can complain though, the movie seems to have been cut so we only get the Cliff’s Notes version of his character arc. That, and his new background takes away from his depth. In the comics, he was knowingly working on a military project, making his accident somewhat hubristic. That, and it was clear that the Hulk was an expression of his own repressed rage. Here, it’s more like he was bitten by a werewolf; a shitty thing happened to a nice guy. The experiment was for “radiation resistance” and he was in the dark about its government origins. While I’m glad they didn’t go overboard like Hulk did and catalogue Bruce Banner’s feelings on losing his baseball cards at the tender age of 12 or shit, there’s still room for some depth and subtext even in a dumb action movie. Which is why I have my fingers way crossed for the director’s cut (Ed Norton cut?).
So in-between learning Spanish from Sesame Street, working in a bottle factory, learning capoeira (having CINO flashbacks… ACK!) to control his temper, and saving his hot co-worker from the infamous Brazilian bottling factory toughs, Bruce tries to cure himself of his anger issues with the help of his AIM buddy Mr. Blue. First step, stop frequenting Scans_Daily. “HULK SMASH LAAAAAND!”
And wow, who would’ve guessed that a Bruce Jones plot point would make it into the movie? That’s like going to a Nightwing movie and finding a golem calling Nightwing “Dickwing”.
Unfortunately, Bruce cuts himself and some of his blood gets into a bottle; hence the promotional tie-in of Pepsi One Drop of Hulk Blood. Everyone seems a bit perplexed by his concern over this, so I guess they don’t have STDs in Brazil. Yo quiero bloodborne pathogens?
The soda (now with added Hulk blood) is shipped to America where it’s drunk by the obligatory Stan Lee cameo. Perhaps this would explain those fawning girls he was with in Iron Man. We don’t get to see the results, but fortunately the Hulk’s movie is as interesting as the hypothetical “You wouldn’t like me when I’m Stan Lee” movie. Barely.
Having heard of this, Ross orders the 411 on any white man at that bottling plant. Fucking racial profiling: Where’s Spike Lee when you need him? With Banner located, Ross recruits G.I. Joe Emil Blonsky. To explain the name, he was born in Russia. To explain the accent, he was raised in Britain. Then he transferred to the US Army. Later in the movie, his characters needs to call upon Sauron for aid, so it turns out he summers in Mordor.
Blonsky is a weird one, as he seems more of a victim of circumstance than a proper villain. He’s the underdog in his Hulk fights and a badass to boot, so his Captain Ahab with the Hulk never really rings true. I could’ve used some more background on him, a reason why he wants power, what his philosophy is. It’s hard to take any satisfaction in his comeuppance when there’s no clue what’s being thwarted or even what his final fate is.
So anyway, Blonsky and his Howling Commandoes go to Brazil to wreck Bruce’s shit. After a glimpse of Sweaty Bottle Factory Girl that’s enough to give any man Hulk-sizedblue green balls, Banner free-runs through the city. Blonsky uses his skill and cunning to keep up with Bruce after shooting his dog with a tranquilizer dart, showing he is either a sociopathic villain waiting to happen or a cat person.
Eventually, Bruce gets chased into a run-in with the Infamous Brazilian Bottling Factory Toughs, who further chase him into the bottling factory, followed by Blonsky, the soldiers, scantily-clad women, Jackie Wright, and a vicar. Bruce takes it on the chin from the IBBFT until he tags Hulk in, who cleans house (err, bottling factory) with the toughs and Blonsky Boyz. The next morning, Bruce wakes up in another country with no memory of last night and no clothes except for pants that are too big. The audience wonders why Robert Downey Jr. was cast as Tony Stark instead of this.
With no recourse but to put all his hope in Mr. Blue and his cure, Bruce heads home. Proving the Republican party’s position that open borders let gamma-irradiated monsters in from Mexico, Bruce enters the country in a 70-minute story arc with Maya and Alejandro that was thankfully cut.
Meanwhile, Blonsky is suffering from a serious case of gamma envy. But he’s aging and soon he won’t be able to keep up with those youngsters and their AK-74s and IEDs and iPods. Ross makes him an offer: has he ever heard of the Weapon Plus program?
Blonsky: Nah, I didn’t really like any of Morrison’s work on New X-Men. Scott/Jean forever!
Ross gives him what amounts to super-botox, only with super-soldier serum instead of botox and drilling into the bone marrow instead of needles. Sensing the chance to have a Nip/Tuck episode named after him, Blonsky agrees. In short order, he has more needles shoved in him than Ewan McGregor while filming Trainspotting. For the character, I mean, he’s not Amy Winehouse.
Meanwhile, Bruce has made his way to his old alma mater at Culmer University. It’s a great place for him, as any frat boy would offer sanctuary to someone who starred in Fight Club, even if they aren’t Meatloaf. Bruce discovers that Betty is dating Leonard Samson, and really wishes he’d boned Sweaty Bottling Factory Girl when he had the chance. The entire Betty/Samson relationship makes Mary-Jane/John look like Richard/Lois. Really, all it does is make Betty look like a bitch for falling into bed with Bruce later (spoilers!). Just once, I'd like for The Other Man to be a jerk so we can at least feel some satisfaction at the hero winning the girl away from him.
As for Betty herself, good character, although Liv Tyler overdoes it with the “whispery voice = acting”. She’s a lot more fun as the General’s Daughter, with nose-smashing, cabbie-hating action!
Using his super-smarts (i.e., knowing that people, even college students, like pizza) Bruce sneaks into his old lab. In the process, he has a run-in with Lou Ferrigno that got big applause from the audience I was in. Bruce looks for the data Mr. Blue needs.
Computer: Bah-leted!
Bruce: :(
Dejected, Bruce heads back to the set of Two Guys, The Hulk, And A Pizza Place. However, kismet takes a hand as Betty and Samson have gone to the same pizza place. Betty runs after Betty into the pouring rain, where they passionately reunite.
Samson: I know we should’ve gotten Chinese.
Betty asks Bruce to come with him, which any man would say yes to when the person asking is Liv Tyler in wet white clothes. Back at Betty’s house, you could smash the sexual tension with some Hulk hands, but the leads resist their throbbing biological urges. More importantly, Betty gives Bruce her data.
Betty: Be gentle with it. I’ve never shared this with anyone before, and my dad wouldn’t want me to give it to you.
Bruce: Is it… is it okay if I pee on it a little?
Betty: What!?
Bruce: Forget I said anything.
Betty is walking Bruce to the bus stop when all of a sudden…
Betty: Unexpected naked Jack!
Bruce: No, naked Jack is never unexpected. It’s unexpected super-soldier Blonsky!
Blonsky: Yo momma.
What follows is the first killer action sequence. And you’re never going to believe this, but it’s well-lit so you can actually see what’s going on.
Ang Lee: Why didn’t I think of that?
Every time an attack proves ineffectual or Hulk SMASHES the attacker, Ross orders a new miniboss in to take a crack at it, including an embiggened version of the sonic paralyzer that Stane used in Iron Man. But Hulk’s will is strong, his liability coverage is zero, and his balls are enormous. Not only does he kick the Army’s ass (figuratively) and Blonsky (not so figuratively), but he manages to save Betty from one of the imperilment moments that always happen to female cast members in big superhero setpieces. He makes his getaway by offscreen teleportation instead of jumping, as we’ve learned since 2004 that jolly green giants going “boing! boing!” all over the place is slightly risible. This is also the reason that the Hulk wears a jock.
Hulk takes Betty to the Hulk-cave, also known as Make-Out Point. There, he tries to solidify his tough guy appeal by kicking the rain’s ass, but rain is a key stage in the water cycle and does not have an ass to be kicked.
Back at the ranch, it turns out that Samson called the fuzz, thus making it okay for Bruce to beat his time even though there’s no way for Betty to be aware of this. Samson lays the diss on General Ross while Bruce makes aforementioned time with his daughter. Rest assured Thunderbolt Ross is not having the best week ever.
Oh, and Blonsky was crippled. Thanks to Cap’s special sauce, his injuries are fatal but not serious.
Back with Bruce and Betty, the two fugitives have taken a break from being on the run. You know what that means. Time for the obligatory love scene. Or not.
Hulk: This never happen to Hulk before.
No, it’s just that when Bruce gets excited, yes, that kind of excited too, he Hulks out. Pity the poor girl that first discovered this and her impromptu gynecological exam. Apparently, this is one of the two scenes from Zak Penn’s original script that Marvel specifically wanted to import (the Bruce and Betty scene, not a hooker getting little Hulk with the sun don’t shine... why a hooker?), perhaps proving Boxey right on his Comic Creator Cock-block Theory. Or maybe Marvel is just more feminist than we all thought...
Betty: So, the only sex act you can safely perform is one that doesn’t arouse you, i.e. cunnilingus?
Bruce: I suppose so.
Betty: Let’s get married.
Blonsky has healed so much that it’s like the What Not To Wear people visited him. Out: Bandages, plaster casts. In: Spinal spikes.
Despite our heroes’ best efforts, Bruce is probably still thinking with the little head instead of the big head (or the really big head instead of the big head) and he sends an unencrypted e-mail to Mr. Blue, which is intercepted and traced by SHIELD. Question: If Sam Jack does it, is it called warrantless motherfucking wiretapping?
Bruce and Betty get to New York, which at this point has become so inured to super-fights and natural disasters that the police response is to herd them to Madison Square Garden and sell tickets. They find Mr. Blue, aka Samuel Sterns, aka HOLY SHIT THE LEADER! Which means the only gamma being this movie doesn’t reference is Jennifer Walters. For the uninformed, she’s She-Hulk, Bruce’s cousin. Like him, she also manifests incredible levels of rage, but only once a month.
Stern cures Bruce by inducing an episode, which is technical jargon for making him freak the hell out and then reversing the polarity of the warp field to something something, thus curing Bruce forever! But even he admits that it might not work, so guess if the climax is going to be Bruce fighting Blonsky with love.
Unfortunately, before Bruce and Betty can celebrate with some Banner smash (not so puny human), Sterns reveals that he’s created a stockpile of Bruce’s blood, which could be used to cure diseases, create an army of super-soldiers, or just make a really big green guinea pig. C’mon, it would be awesome.
Bruce tries to explain that there are things Man is not meant to know, radiation Man is not meant to be irradiated with, and Christ, did you ever see any Frankenstein movie, ever? But the military shoots Bruce with a potent tranquilizer.
Bruce: The Ang Lee Hulk?
Betty: Fight it, Bruce!
Bruce: Too much backstory… so much pointless symbolism… say goodnight, Hulk. GOODNIGHT, HULK!
Blonsky tries to beat the Hulk out of Bruce for a rematch, but all he gets is Tyler Durden. Bruce is flown to Gitmo, Betty at his side. But Blonsky has other plans. He forces Sterns to give him a dose of radiation, despite Sterns’ appropriately cheesy warning that the combination of super-soldier serum and gamma radiation “could be… an Abomination!!” Unsurprisingly, Blonsky Hulks (Abominates?) out, and in the process Sterns gets some Hulk blood – applied directly to forehead. “Next time, baby!”
The Tyrant… sorry, Nemesis… sorry, Abomination… starts a rampage through Harlem demanding a proper fight and what his motivation is. It must be tough being the only giant CGI monster with a British accent. “You don’t deserve this POWAH!”
Bruce homages the final issue of Ultimates and takes a sky-diving lesson sans parachute. It’s actually a pretty good scene, shamefully ruined by the trailers. As expected, Hulk shows up to maintain his “strongest one there is” rep. Not only that, but with Bruce aiding him at the conclusion of an ill-defined character arc, Hulk’s taken a level in kicking ass and has new combos. For the next fifteen minutes, Hulk and Abby do their part to drive down property values. General Ross tries to help out and Betty is put in danger and in general it’s everything the last thirty minutes of a Hulk movie should be. That is to say, there are no fucking rain clouds. I don’t want to spoil anything, but Hulk wins and nobody important dies.
Later, in Canada, Bruce and Betty are separated but together, which is good in a Zen sort of way. He’d now meditating on controlling his anger, and the last shot of the movie is him smiling as his eyes go Hulk-green… I guess teasing the Professor Hulk.
Except then we cut to General Ross drinking away his troubles when Tony Stark shows up. He comes in through a door so heavily lit that it’s like he just came back from Crusades. There’s a chorus of singing angels, but that happens everywhere Robert Downey Jr. goes. Tony tells Ross that they’re putting a team together and you can see it in movie theaters summer 2011, or read about it in the Del Ray paperback.
I suppose it’s here I should mention that I prefer Sam Elliot’s Ross. Hurt’s is less sympathetic and more openly villainous, especially since his motivation has shifted from containing a dangerous monster to persecuting an innocent man for (say it with me, now) the perfect killing machine. As cruel as this sounds, I think he should watch some Sci-Fi Channel movies. The perfect soldier isn’t in a laboratory or a cloning facility. It’s right here, in our hearts.
Anyway, five years have passed since the accident. Bruce is in Brazil, where he’s been lying low without Hulking out for several months. Which is a very natural segue to Edward Norton. While this isn’t his movie the way Iron Man’s is RDJ’s, I think he does a good job with it. He imbues the part with heroism, charisma, and cleverness, so while his character isn’t as flashy as Tony Stark, he’s still fun to spend time with in-between the Hulk smash. What really helps is that instead of languishing in his angst like a lot of superheroes, he’s actively working to better his circumstances. Plus, he has a really cool dog that’s probably as close as movieverse will get to Rick Jones. The dog’s about as helpful to boot.
If I can complain though, the movie seems to have been cut so we only get the Cliff’s Notes version of his character arc. That, and his new background takes away from his depth. In the comics, he was knowingly working on a military project, making his accident somewhat hubristic. That, and it was clear that the Hulk was an expression of his own repressed rage. Here, it’s more like he was bitten by a werewolf; a shitty thing happened to a nice guy. The experiment was for “radiation resistance” and he was in the dark about its government origins. While I’m glad they didn’t go overboard like Hulk did and catalogue Bruce Banner’s feelings on losing his baseball cards at the tender age of 12 or shit, there’s still room for some depth and subtext even in a dumb action movie. Which is why I have my fingers way crossed for the director’s cut (Ed Norton cut?).
So in-between learning Spanish from Sesame Street, working in a bottle factory, learning capoeira (having CINO flashbacks… ACK!) to control his temper, and saving his hot co-worker from the infamous Brazilian bottling factory toughs, Bruce tries to cure himself of his anger issues with the help of his AIM buddy Mr. Blue. First step, stop frequenting Scans_Daily. “HULK SMASH LAAAAAND!”
And wow, who would’ve guessed that a Bruce Jones plot point would make it into the movie? That’s like going to a Nightwing movie and finding a golem calling Nightwing “Dickwing”.
Unfortunately, Bruce cuts himself and some of his blood gets into a bottle; hence the promotional tie-in of Pepsi One Drop of Hulk Blood. Everyone seems a bit perplexed by his concern over this, so I guess they don’t have STDs in Brazil. Yo quiero bloodborne pathogens?
The soda (now with added Hulk blood) is shipped to America where it’s drunk by the obligatory Stan Lee cameo. Perhaps this would explain those fawning girls he was with in Iron Man. We don’t get to see the results, but fortunately the Hulk’s movie is as interesting as the hypothetical “You wouldn’t like me when I’m Stan Lee” movie. Barely.
Having heard of this, Ross orders the 411 on any white man at that bottling plant. Fucking racial profiling: Where’s Spike Lee when you need him? With Banner located, Ross recruits G.I. Joe Emil Blonsky. To explain the name, he was born in Russia. To explain the accent, he was raised in Britain. Then he transferred to the US Army. Later in the movie, his characters needs to call upon Sauron for aid, so it turns out he summers in Mordor.
Blonsky is a weird one, as he seems more of a victim of circumstance than a proper villain. He’s the underdog in his Hulk fights and a badass to boot, so his Captain Ahab with the Hulk never really rings true. I could’ve used some more background on him, a reason why he wants power, what his philosophy is. It’s hard to take any satisfaction in his comeuppance when there’s no clue what’s being thwarted or even what his final fate is.
So anyway, Blonsky and his Howling Commandoes go to Brazil to wreck Bruce’s shit. After a glimpse of Sweaty Bottle Factory Girl that’s enough to give any man Hulk-sized
Eventually, Bruce gets chased into a run-in with the Infamous Brazilian Bottling Factory Toughs, who further chase him into the bottling factory, followed by Blonsky, the soldiers, scantily-clad women, Jackie Wright, and a vicar. Bruce takes it on the chin from the IBBFT until he tags Hulk in, who cleans house (err, bottling factory) with the toughs and Blonsky Boyz. The next morning, Bruce wakes up in another country with no memory of last night and no clothes except for pants that are too big. The audience wonders why Robert Downey Jr. was cast as Tony Stark instead of this.
With no recourse but to put all his hope in Mr. Blue and his cure, Bruce heads home. Proving the Republican party’s position that open borders let gamma-irradiated monsters in from Mexico, Bruce enters the country in a 70-minute story arc with Maya and Alejandro that was thankfully cut.
Meanwhile, Blonsky is suffering from a serious case of gamma envy. But he’s aging and soon he won’t be able to keep up with those youngsters and their AK-74s and IEDs and iPods. Ross makes him an offer: has he ever heard of the Weapon Plus program?
Blonsky: Nah, I didn’t really like any of Morrison’s work on New X-Men. Scott/Jean forever!
Ross gives him what amounts to super-botox, only with super-soldier serum instead of botox and drilling into the bone marrow instead of needles. Sensing the chance to have a Nip/Tuck episode named after him, Blonsky agrees. In short order, he has more needles shoved in him than Ewan McGregor while filming Trainspotting. For the character, I mean, he’s not Amy Winehouse.
Meanwhile, Bruce has made his way to his old alma mater at Culmer University. It’s a great place for him, as any frat boy would offer sanctuary to someone who starred in Fight Club, even if they aren’t Meatloaf. Bruce discovers that Betty is dating Leonard Samson, and really wishes he’d boned Sweaty Bottling Factory Girl when he had the chance. The entire Betty/Samson relationship makes Mary-Jane/John look like Richard/Lois. Really, all it does is make Betty look like a bitch for falling into bed with Bruce later (spoilers!). Just once, I'd like for The Other Man to be a jerk so we can at least feel some satisfaction at the hero winning the girl away from him.
As for Betty herself, good character, although Liv Tyler overdoes it with the “whispery voice = acting”. She’s a lot more fun as the General’s Daughter, with nose-smashing, cabbie-hating action!
Using his super-smarts (i.e., knowing that people, even college students, like pizza) Bruce sneaks into his old lab. In the process, he has a run-in with Lou Ferrigno that got big applause from the audience I was in. Bruce looks for the data Mr. Blue needs.
Computer: Bah-leted!
Bruce: :(
Dejected, Bruce heads back to the set of Two Guys, The Hulk, And A Pizza Place. However, kismet takes a hand as Betty and Samson have gone to the same pizza place. Betty runs after Betty into the pouring rain, where they passionately reunite.
Samson: I know we should’ve gotten Chinese.
Betty asks Bruce to come with him, which any man would say yes to when the person asking is Liv Tyler in wet white clothes. Back at Betty’s house, you could smash the sexual tension with some Hulk hands, but the leads resist their throbbing biological urges. More importantly, Betty gives Bruce her data.
Betty: Be gentle with it. I’ve never shared this with anyone before, and my dad wouldn’t want me to give it to you.
Bruce: Is it… is it okay if I pee on it a little?
Betty: What!?
Bruce: Forget I said anything.
Betty is walking Bruce to the bus stop when all of a sudden…
Betty: Unexpected naked Jack!
Bruce: No, naked Jack is never unexpected. It’s unexpected super-soldier Blonsky!
Blonsky: Yo momma.
What follows is the first killer action sequence. And you’re never going to believe this, but it’s well-lit so you can actually see what’s going on.
Ang Lee: Why didn’t I think of that?
Every time an attack proves ineffectual or Hulk SMASHES the attacker, Ross orders a new miniboss in to take a crack at it, including an embiggened version of the sonic paralyzer that Stane used in Iron Man. But Hulk’s will is strong, his liability coverage is zero, and his balls are enormous. Not only does he kick the Army’s ass (figuratively) and Blonsky (not so figuratively), but he manages to save Betty from one of the imperilment moments that always happen to female cast members in big superhero setpieces. He makes his getaway by offscreen teleportation instead of jumping, as we’ve learned since 2004 that jolly green giants going “boing! boing!” all over the place is slightly risible. This is also the reason that the Hulk wears a jock.
Hulk takes Betty to the Hulk-cave, also known as Make-Out Point. There, he tries to solidify his tough guy appeal by kicking the rain’s ass, but rain is a key stage in the water cycle and does not have an ass to be kicked.
Back at the ranch, it turns out that Samson called the fuzz, thus making it okay for Bruce to beat his time even though there’s no way for Betty to be aware of this. Samson lays the diss on General Ross while Bruce makes aforementioned time with his daughter. Rest assured Thunderbolt Ross is not having the best week ever.
Oh, and Blonsky was crippled. Thanks to Cap’s special sauce, his injuries are fatal but not serious.
Back with Bruce and Betty, the two fugitives have taken a break from being on the run. You know what that means. Time for the obligatory love scene. Or not.
Hulk: This never happen to Hulk before.
No, it’s just that when Bruce gets excited, yes, that kind of excited too, he Hulks out. Pity the poor girl that first discovered this and her impromptu gynecological exam. Apparently, this is one of the two scenes from Zak Penn’s original script that Marvel specifically wanted to import (the Bruce and Betty scene, not a hooker getting little Hulk with the sun don’t shine... why a hooker?), perhaps proving Boxey right on his Comic Creator Cock-block Theory. Or maybe Marvel is just more feminist than we all thought...
Betty: So, the only sex act you can safely perform is one that doesn’t arouse you, i.e. cunnilingus?
Bruce: I suppose so.
Betty: Let’s get married.
Blonsky has healed so much that it’s like the What Not To Wear people visited him. Out: Bandages, plaster casts. In: Spinal spikes.
Despite our heroes’ best efforts, Bruce is probably still thinking with the little head instead of the big head (or the really big head instead of the big head) and he sends an unencrypted e-mail to Mr. Blue, which is intercepted and traced by SHIELD. Question: If Sam Jack does it, is it called warrantless motherfucking wiretapping?
Bruce and Betty get to New York, which at this point has become so inured to super-fights and natural disasters that the police response is to herd them to Madison Square Garden and sell tickets. They find Mr. Blue, aka Samuel Sterns, aka HOLY SHIT THE LEADER! Which means the only gamma being this movie doesn’t reference is Jennifer Walters. For the uninformed, she’s She-Hulk, Bruce’s cousin. Like him, she also manifests incredible levels of rage, but only once a month.
Stern cures Bruce by inducing an episode, which is technical jargon for making him freak the hell out and then reversing the polarity of the warp field to something something, thus curing Bruce forever! But even he admits that it might not work, so guess if the climax is going to be Bruce fighting Blonsky with love.
Unfortunately, before Bruce and Betty can celebrate with some Banner smash (not so puny human), Sterns reveals that he’s created a stockpile of Bruce’s blood, which could be used to cure diseases, create an army of super-soldiers, or just make a really big green guinea pig. C’mon, it would be awesome.
Bruce tries to explain that there are things Man is not meant to know, radiation Man is not meant to be irradiated with, and Christ, did you ever see any Frankenstein movie, ever? But the military shoots Bruce with a potent tranquilizer.
Bruce: The Ang Lee Hulk?
Betty: Fight it, Bruce!
Bruce: Too much backstory… so much pointless symbolism… say goodnight, Hulk. GOODNIGHT, HULK!
Blonsky tries to beat the Hulk out of Bruce for a rematch, but all he gets is Tyler Durden. Bruce is flown to Gitmo, Betty at his side. But Blonsky has other plans. He forces Sterns to give him a dose of radiation, despite Sterns’ appropriately cheesy warning that the combination of super-soldier serum and gamma radiation “could be… an Abomination!!” Unsurprisingly, Blonsky Hulks (Abominates?) out, and in the process Sterns gets some Hulk blood – applied directly to forehead. “Next time, baby!”
The Tyrant… sorry, Nemesis… sorry, Abomination… starts a rampage through Harlem demanding a proper fight and what his motivation is. It must be tough being the only giant CGI monster with a British accent. “You don’t deserve this POWAH!”
Bruce homages the final issue of Ultimates and takes a sky-diving lesson sans parachute. It’s actually a pretty good scene, shamefully ruined by the trailers. As expected, Hulk shows up to maintain his “strongest one there is” rep. Not only that, but with Bruce aiding him at the conclusion of an ill-defined character arc, Hulk’s taken a level in kicking ass and has new combos. For the next fifteen minutes, Hulk and Abby do their part to drive down property values. General Ross tries to help out and Betty is put in danger and in general it’s everything the last thirty minutes of a Hulk movie should be. That is to say, there are no fucking rain clouds. I don’t want to spoil anything, but Hulk wins and nobody important dies.
Later, in Canada, Bruce and Betty are separated but together, which is good in a Zen sort of way. He’d now meditating on controlling his anger, and the last shot of the movie is him smiling as his eyes go Hulk-green… I guess teasing the Professor Hulk.
Except then we cut to General Ross drinking away his troubles when Tony Stark shows up. He comes in through a door so heavily lit that it’s like he just came back from Crusades. There’s a chorus of singing angels, but that happens everywhere Robert Downey Jr. goes. Tony tells Ross that they’re putting a team together and you can see it in movie theaters summer 2011, or read about it in the Del Ray paperback.
