seriousfic

After eviscerating the first Superman: Earth One by JMS, I’ve had a few requests to cover the sequel. And while I’ve lost touch with my editor at Fempop, I think a page-by-page breakdown of this graphic novel is about what it deserves.

Page 1 - First off, check the unwieldy title. “Superman: Earth One Volume Two.” Surely they knew there would be sequels when they named the first one, so why give it such a hard title to sequelize?

Page 8 - First page of story. First sight of Clark Kent is him gazing smugly at an interview with “Superman” that he gave himself. I will show you this face in a moment and I dare you not to want to punch it. Dialogue with Perry White commences that is strenuously wordy and uncinematic. I’ll reproduce.

Three word balloons of Perry White reiterating that old news is old news. An editor was not consulted.

What really bothers me here is that instead of Clark being written as any variant on his usual persona—which can be as strong-willed as, say, Dean Cain played it—here, he’s an outright smart-aleck. Or, well, Spider-Man.

That works for Spidey because he’s the underdog. His powers aren’t that much compared to a lot of Marvel people. He has a crappy job. His wit is the only weapon he has against the world most of the time. But Superman, especially in this canon, is pretty much God. He doesn’t even have to listen to Perry White. The previous book made it clear he can make millions as a football player anytime he likes. So there’s something really condescending about him living among humans just to shoot one-liners at them. Imagine Bill Gates disguising himself as a mailroom clerk so he can insult the other guys’s shoes.

Page 9 - Desperate for “Jim” Olsen to be taken seriously, JMS insists he be drawn with Wolverine sideburns.

Page 10 - Not even Smallville’s Lois Lane took shit from Jimmy Fucking Olsen. The people who wrote fucking Doomsday knew there was a limit.

Page 13 - Okay, this entire backstory is conveyed in one page, but I’m pretty sure a gay contract killer has been allowing his boyfriend to watch him kill people for sexual gratification so that the boyfriend will dispose of the bodies via his convenient scientific voodoo job. He’s also recorded the murders to masturbate to them. HEY KIDS, COMICS!

Page 14 - Said contract killer kills the boyfriend by tying him up and putting the trigger to an explosive in his hands, where it will surely slip loose and kill him. Lucky for him the boyfriend doesn’t deliberately let go of it so he’ll take the contract killer with him when he goes.

Page 15 - Clark Kent meets a man on the stoop of his apartment singing Bob Dylan. The ink on this page was made out of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Page 16 - Still not able to get Spider-Man out of his system, JMS just decides to bring in Mary Jane Watson.

Page 17 - Determined that THIS relationship isn’t getting sold to the Devil, JMS decides to appeal to the editors by writing Mary Jane as if she were in a comic from the 90s.

I’ve watched the actual porn version of Spider-Man and it was more subtle than this.

Page 21 - The killer goes to erase incriminating videos from his boyfriend’s work computer, alerts the guards, and flees them into a science experiment that is activated by them shooting at him. It turns him into a supervillain. Guest director: Sam Raimi.

Page 24 - Holy shit, is Mary Jane taking Clark to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show supposed to be a hip, happening pop culture reference?

Page 26 - This Lois Lane is drawn so blandly that I couldn’t tell it was her for a moment. Also, she seems to be boinking Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Page 27 - STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER ALERT!

Page 31 - On the inevitable TV roundtable discussing Superman, someone suggests he might be helping people out of the goodness of his heart and everyone bursts out laughing. Wow. Pointed satire.

Page 35 - After being kicked out of a disaster area by a dictator (he threatened to chop off someone’s hand for every minute Superman didn’t leave. And Superman would… let him?… I guess?), Superman imagines going Authority on the whole country. In case you wanted a full page of Kal-El’s Columbine fantasy, today is your lucky day.

Page 44 - Flashbacks of the Parasite growing up a serial killer. You know the score.

Page 45 - Parasite is able to go on a full-blown killing spree without any interference with Superman. Apparently, the only way this superpowered mass murderer will get any attention from Earth’s greatest hero is by literally going looking for him.

Page 49 - Jesus Christ, Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex just got name-dropped. We’re actually looking at a subplot where Clark super-wants to rail a broad, but can’t, brah!

Look, DC Comics, despite—well—the entire internet, I want to make it clear to you that fandom doesn’t want to know how Clark’s sex life works. You can just leave it at “Clark and Lois are very happy in the bedroom” and that’s fine. We don’t need to get into physics. That went out the window the day laser beams went out of eyes. Because I know you’re only ever this creepy to try to justify Superman and Wonder Woman fucking. It’s like hearing about what boner pills James Bond takes. I don’t wanna know!

Page 54 - Uh, that story about your dead pet cat was sweet and all, Clark, but good god is it not closer material.

Page 58 - Good work tackling Parasite INTO a crowded street, Superman. One page ago, you were talking about taking your dead cat to the moon, but you can’t do that with the rampaging super-monster?

Page 68 - Parasite goes after the fleeing Superman by hunting down Jimmy Olsen, who took pictures of him in the Daily Planet. Okay, did ANYONE check to see if there weren’t a bunch of hastily-crossed-out “Spider-Man”s in the script?

Page 82 - After being depowered by Parasite, Clark collapses for three hours in Mary Jane’s apartment. Three hours of a serial killer with Superman’s powers loose on the world. Upon waking up, Clark’s first thought is regret that his powers have returned so he can’t bone Mary Jane.

…

Okay, DC Comics, you need to get an intervention going, because this is clearly a cry for help.

Page 96 - “NO MORE KILLING!” Superman says, before punching Parasite through several buildings. Sheepishly, he shuffles his feet as the buildings collapse, killing hundreds. “Okay, now no more killing.”

Page 100 - Superman strands Mary Jane’s abusive boyfriend in Siberia (“Or Alaska.”), telling him there’s a town he can get to by nightfall before leaving him. Yeah… pretty sure he’s gonna die.

Page 102 - Okay, that’s twice now that the military saying “We need to know how to kill Superman” has been played as a shocker. Seriously now, was this edited?

Page 106 - Oh, he wasn’t an abusive boyfriend, he was a john. Because Mary Jane is a hooker. Superman’s dating a hooker.

Excuse me, I’m not sure this isn’t some elaborate computer simulation testing me for some unknown but sinister purpose. Hold on.

*studies Hare Krishna*

*meditates on the oneness of the universe*

*studies with the gurus of Tibet*

*learns how to light candles with my mind*

*quest for answers leads to remote ninja monastery*

*training montage*

*sensei killed by rival student*

*forced to abandon pacifism to win a fighting tournament to get justice*

*wins fighting tournament*

*returns to PC*

Nope, this universe is definitely real, it’s just a really fucking weird comic book.

Page 112 - Getting back to that dictator subplot (holy shit, remember when this comic was about the Parasite trying to kill Superman?), Superman decides to disarm the government’s soldiers and arm the rebels. Well, that was… obvious. And of course, he lets them kill the dictator, because c’mon—dude was mean to him. Why should the most powerful being in the cosmos have to abide by a moral code in the face of that?

Page 115 - Oh no, Bob Dylan hipster died of an overdose, despite that earlier scene where Clark Kent X-rayed him and saw he was a druggie. And here I thought that was leading up to some heartwarming scene of Clark helping him. But no, Clark ignoring that was totally legit. Every time I think this Superman has sunken as far as he can go, he gets better at Limbo.

Oh well, at least the hipster died the way he lived—before it was cool.

Page 117 - Oh fucking christ, seriously?

Lex2? Are you fucking… is this some kind of…

I know what this is. This is because I downloaded, isn’t it? It’s like those game developers who release pirated versions of their own games that are impossible to beat. If I had bought this comic legally, then it would make sense. Right? Surely, no one was actually meant to pay money for a comic where Lex Luthor HAS HAIR.

Page 123 - BOOOOOOOBS