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seriousfic1. Top-secret assassination squads will build bombs as so: You use a literal remote control to start a five-minute countdown, but have to manually type on a touch pad to shut it off. The touch pad is encased in plaster. You can't just use the remote control to blow it up from a safe distance, or use the remote control to shut it off. That would be silly.
2. It's not that January Jones can't act, it's just that this movie was shot as cover for a second, more experimental movie, in which a bomb was for real strapped to January Jones's chest and set to go off if she changed the inflection of her voice from "trying to kill Dave Bowman".
3. If a highly-trained member of a top-secret assassination squad gets amnesia, the top-secret assassination squad will not find him as he lies comatose and remove him from the situation, nor will they attempt to keep him under lock and key until he gets his memory back. Plan A for dealing with the situation is trying to kill the unstoppable super-assassin.
4. After discovering your life is a lie and your wife is really a heartless villainess, you'll be ready to move onto another woman within twenty-four hours.
5. Getting bumped on the head can cause amnesia. Getting bumped on the head again can restore memories.
6. No, really. I wasn't kidding about five. This is unequivocally shown to be true. And while you'll get all your super-killer skills back, you won't lose any of the rock-hard moral foundation you've developed over the past twenty-four hours.
7. This is why we don't allow workplace romances at the top-secret assassination squad, Liam Neeson. So if you get bonked on the head once, you don't start thinking your fake wife is your real wife just because you had assassination sex in the shower.
8. Cab drivers are not as good as Liam Neeson at driving cabs during car chases. Former Stasi operatives are not as good at breaking codes as Liam Neeson. I'm... not sure why those characters were in the movie, really.
9. If you get bonked on the head while pretending to be someone, you will wake up thinking you were that person, and acting like them, even if their personality is totally counter to your own. So if you bonked Daniel Day-Lewis on the head while he was filming Lincoln, he would think he was Abraham Lincoln, even if DDL hated black people.
10. Dude, let's bonk Daniel Day-Lewis on the head, quick! This'll be hilarious.
2. It's not that January Jones can't act, it's just that this movie was shot as cover for a second, more experimental movie, in which a bomb was for real strapped to January Jones's chest and set to go off if she changed the inflection of her voice from "trying to kill Dave Bowman".
3. If a highly-trained member of a top-secret assassination squad gets amnesia, the top-secret assassination squad will not find him as he lies comatose and remove him from the situation, nor will they attempt to keep him under lock and key until he gets his memory back. Plan A for dealing with the situation is trying to kill the unstoppable super-assassin.
4. After discovering your life is a lie and your wife is really a heartless villainess, you'll be ready to move onto another woman within twenty-four hours.
5. Getting bumped on the head can cause amnesia. Getting bumped on the head again can restore memories.
6. No, really. I wasn't kidding about five. This is unequivocally shown to be true. And while you'll get all your super-killer skills back, you won't lose any of the rock-hard moral foundation you've developed over the past twenty-four hours.
7. This is why we don't allow workplace romances at the top-secret assassination squad, Liam Neeson. So if you get bonked on the head once, you don't start thinking your fake wife is your real wife just because you had assassination sex in the shower.
8. Cab drivers are not as good as Liam Neeson at driving cabs during car chases. Former Stasi operatives are not as good at breaking codes as Liam Neeson. I'm... not sure why those characters were in the movie, really.
9. If you get bonked on the head while pretending to be someone, you will wake up thinking you were that person, and acting like them, even if their personality is totally counter to your own. So if you bonked Daniel Day-Lewis on the head while he was filming Lincoln, he would think he was Abraham Lincoln, even if DDL hated black people.
10. Dude, let's bonk Daniel Day-Lewis on the head, quick! This'll be hilarious.
