Battleship In Five Minutes

[seriousfic]

*a two-hour commercial for Battleship and assorted Battleship toys*

Taylor Kitsch: Yes! We destroyed the aliens and stopped them from calling for reinforcements! Earth is saved forever!

Audience: Didn't the aliens come here in the first place because of a signal from Earth, sent by humans? Are they just going to write that off now that they sent a scout patrol there and they disappeared without a trace.

Taylor Kitsch: Well, no...

Audience: In fact, doesn't destroying the scouting party means they're guaranteed to send a rescue party, who will now be more on guard and more destructive, knowing they're going into hostile territory?

Taylor Kitsch: No, I'm sure they won't. They'll probably just write it off. Like you said.

Audience: But earlier in the movie, the aliens sent a squad onto one of your destroyers to rescue one of their guys who you'd picked up. So are they willing to send help for one person, but not for however many hundreds or thousands of aliens were crewing those ships?

Taylor Kitsch: Look, we're getting medals! Liam Neeson is riding my jock!

Audience: According to your movie, it only took a couple years for the aliens to mount an expedition to check out Earth's signal in 2005 and travel to Earth in 2012. Best-case scenario, communications go at the same speed as their ships, so it takes seven years for the alien homeworld not to hear from their scouts. Assume a year to wait for a signal and then seven more years for a rescue mission to get to Earth. Hope you enjoy marrying Brookyln Decker, Kitsch, because your kids are all going to be murdered by aliens.

Taylor Kitsch: Why don't you just listen to some classic rock over the credits?

Audience: Fortunate Son? You know this is an antiwar song, right?

Taylor Kitsch: And enjoy this sequel tease after the credits!

Audience: Your sequel tease is that one lone alien survived and landed in Ireland? The same species that can't see in daylight and got beat up by a paraplegic? What's the sequel going to be, five minutes of him running around looking scary before the police easily pick him up for disorderly conduct? His species doesn't even have guns. As long as you can climb a tree, you're safe from him.

Taylor Kitsch: Okay, fine, I guess this franchise didn't work out. But I still have John Carter to fall... back... on.

Comments

[rdfox.livejournal.com]

All I'll say is this.

$209 million budget.

$25.3 million opening weekend.

Feel free to insert your favorite clip of "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase cackling maniacally here.

[colonel-green.livejournal.com]

Fortunately, Earth will be spared a new invasion by the film's poor box office performance.

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

Battleship was released globally before it ever hit the US and has done at least $200 million.

[colonel-green.livejournal.com]

The studio will see about half of that, at most, given the way foreign grosses work. It's a big flop.

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

I didn't know the studios only see half of foreign, thanks.

[rdfox.livejournal.com]

The estimates were that the movie would need a minimum $70 million domestic opening weekend to turn a profit, even with the foreign gross.

$25 million is a disaster; the big reason it's not a studio-killer is that the foreign gross will have made enough to keep Universal afloat.

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing.