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seriousficG.I. Joe Retalitation - Okay, I'm gonna say it, this trailer looks badass. Less silly than the first one, but still with beautiful nonsense like Cobra banners being flown over the White House (and ten million political jokes were born). But still, Channing Tatum as the sole survivor of the original Joes (or, you know, the ones that show up in the movie)? Maybe losing Scarlett is the price we have to pay for a G.I. Joe movie with none of the Wayans brothers, but cripes, Duke? His big characterization in the first movie was abandoning the woman he loved while she mourned her brother's death. I'd say he's like a block of wood, but that's more like a block of wood with a racial epithet scawled on it. Rachel Nichols would be better, even at playing Channing Tatum: "Line reading." *vacant stare* *vague determination* *biceps flex*
Transylvania 6-5000 - You know, sometimes I worry about this blog becoming too much like a men's magazine, since apparently I'm the only person who thinks the internet should know about an Emma Frost porno. At those times, I try to balance things out by laying off the subject and turning my attention to more cerebral matters, as I will now do... right after this post. Because how am I supposed review this movie and not say anything Geena Davis wearing this? She looks like Zatanna trying to steal Vampirella's boyfriend. I've seen smaller racks at IKEA. She's the only person to wear fishnets and not remind people of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Okay, so the plot's about tabloid journalists Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. going to look for Frankenstein in Transylvania, while the Transpeople (that's... not what you call people from Transylvania, is it?) try to sell them on a theme hotel, complete with that classic movie monster, a concierge that does slapstick (a pre-Seinfeld, pre-N-word Michael Richards!). Of course, it turns out that there are monsters. Question: When did Transylvania become the Marvel Universe New York for monsters? I know Dracula was from there, but didn't the Wolfman get bit in Romania? And Frankenstein was in England, right? Maybe Germany? Why would they all go to Transylvania, when that's the one place where the locals pick up torches and pitchforks and hunt down monsters? It's like a town in Arkansas becoming the new gay mecca.
Anyway, it's Jeff Goldblum in a Scooby-Doo cartoon for grown-ups. How can you go wrong there?
Although, the ending is a bit weird. As it turns out, the "monsters" are just people with medical conditions who the doctor is trying to help, while the mayor and police chief embezzle the money to treat them and cover it up by treating them like monsters. So, okay, freaks are people too and persecuting them is wrong. Then all the monsters "get better." The "wolfman" gets electrolysis, Geena Davis admits she's not a vampire (so she's just a hot chick who thinks she's a vampire... this is not doing anything to decrease my perverse sexual lust for Geena David. Christ, she was the mom in Stuart Little... the things I want to do to that mouse's adopted mother...), the mummy is just someone who was wrapped in bandages from plastic surgery, the hunchbacks turn out not to have hunches... it's all more played for laughs than, say, a Lady Gaga song (sample line: "Hunchback husband and wife: We've never had a hump!"), but coming out against persecution and then talking about how great plastic surgery is--not that I'm some Ryan Murphy type who thinks people who get plastic surgery deserve to be raped--is the kind of thing that probably wouldn't play these days.
Like, Geena Davis thinking she was ugly because she had a crooked nose, so she pretended to be a vampire for attention, then she's fixed by Ed Begley Jr. telling her she's beautiful (and getting a nosejob)--that's actually just misogynistic enough to make my crush on Geena Davis go down to normal, levels. Thank God, I was about to watch Cutthroat Island.
The Muppets - Great movie, should've hosted the Oscars, charmingly noncynical, those people who think there's an anti-business message because the villain is an oil baron literally named Tex Oilman need to watch a "let's save the rec center!" movie to know what they're parodying. Three things though.
1. Obviously, there are a lot of celebrity cameos. Weirdly, most of them aren't, like, celebrities? Emily Blunt shows up. I feel like there's only so famous you can be when you starred in the Gulliver's Travels that's less fondly remembered than the Ted Danson version. Anyway, at one point, Donald Glover from Community shows up and you're like "oh, hey, it's Donald Glover! That's clever!" But then at the end, they recap all the celebrity cameos and Donald Glover isn't in there, so you're like "Oh. I guess they just... cast Donald Glover in this." Like, there was a small part, he auditioned for it, he got the part, they paid him, that was it. That's odd, isn't it? It's like Richard Dean Anderson showing up in The Expendables 3, and you're like "cool, they got MacGuyver!", but no, they just needed a guy and he got the part. Weird.
2. Okay, yeah, I grew up with the Muppets. Muppet Treasure Island and A Muppet Christmas Carol, holy shit. Why'd they stop making those before they did Muppet Great Expectations? I would've watched that. I would've watched Muppet Crime & Punishment. Here's the weird part--those movies, which I think were really the last time the Muppets were big-time, had Gonzo and Rizzo as sort of the face of the franchise. They were this duo, like Booster Gold and Blue Beetle (yes, I just explained a pair of Muppets characters by comparing them to D-list superheroes, deal). And this movie has Gonzo, obviously, but he never has a scene with Rizzo. In fact, I'm pretty sure Rizzo never even has a line.
I mean, you'd think Muppet Treasure Island and A Muppet Christmas Carol would be the touchstones for two young characters who grew up with the Muppets, like our heroes, but they're all about the Muppet Show, which was way back in the 70s. That's before Jason Segel was even born (assuming his character is his age, A Muppet Christmas Carol would come out when he was about twelve, so how could he and Walter miss that to concentrate exclusively on reruns and old tapes of the Muppet Show?). Like, they'd want to see Rizzo and Gonzo together again, there'd be a joke about it, something. Deathly gets more screentime than Rizzo, and Rizzo was pretty much the Leonard McCoy of the Muppets Universe for the 90s. Sure, he wasn't Spock or Kirk, but he was right up there! Now, look me in the internet and tell me you know who Deathly is. He's bullshit, that's who he is.
I'm just saying, what is this, some sort of Baby Boomer thing? "Oh, the Muppet Show was so great, and the first movies were so great, but as soon as Michael Caine and Tim Curry got involved, the whole thing took a nosedive." Listen to yourself! You're gainsaying Michael Caine! I guess there are Muppet purists who didn't like the 90s movies because Gonzo and Rizzo were front and center, instead of Kermit. And they were doing literary adaptations, and there were human stars. But they're like people who didn't like The Dark Knight because Batman wasn't in it enough. They get so wrapped up in their idea of what a Batman/Muppet movie should be that they can't appreciate something that's a little off-center. That's not fandom, that's making a check-list and taking off points for everything the filmmakers 'fail' to deliver. Okay, so the Joker is different and Alfred has a Cockney accent. Those aren't bad changes, like putting nipples on the Batsuit. They're just things that are right for this particular story. Batman has 500 costumes and a thousand Batmobiles, you think people would get that the presentation can deviate from the source material and still be good. If it can't, we might as well stop publishing comic books where Batman is a pirate.
Anyway, it just kinda sucks that I'm apparently not old enough to have my nostalgia catered to, but not young enough to be one of the new fans people are trying to capture. I'm just old enough for my favorites to be killed off in comic events.
3. Did every shot of the outside of Muppet Studios need a billboard for Cars 2? In a movie that's thematically against crass commercialization? If you're going to do it for Brave, that's okay, I could live with that. But Cars 2? That's like showing a trailer for Nation's Pride in front of Schindler's List.
New Year's Eve - You know, I was thinking about doing a fake review of this like I did for Jack & Jill, but nothing I make up could possibly compete with the fact that this movie literally ends with Carla Gugino pulling Valentine's Day DVDs out of Jessica Biel's vagina. No, I'm not kidding. That happens. And they're still in the cases. I think this is what would happen if someone were impregnated by Bil Keane.
Transylvania 6-5000 - You know, sometimes I worry about this blog becoming too much like a men's magazine, since apparently I'm the only person who thinks the internet should know about an Emma Frost porno. At those times, I try to balance things out by laying off the subject and turning my attention to more cerebral matters, as I will now do... right after this post. Because how am I supposed review this movie and not say anything Geena Davis wearing this? She looks like Zatanna trying to steal Vampirella's boyfriend. I've seen smaller racks at IKEA. She's the only person to wear fishnets and not remind people of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Okay, so the plot's about tabloid journalists Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. going to look for Frankenstein in Transylvania, while the Transpeople (that's... not what you call people from Transylvania, is it?) try to sell them on a theme hotel, complete with that classic movie monster, a concierge that does slapstick (a pre-Seinfeld, pre-N-word Michael Richards!). Of course, it turns out that there are monsters. Question: When did Transylvania become the Marvel Universe New York for monsters? I know Dracula was from there, but didn't the Wolfman get bit in Romania? And Frankenstein was in England, right? Maybe Germany? Why would they all go to Transylvania, when that's the one place where the locals pick up torches and pitchforks and hunt down monsters? It's like a town in Arkansas becoming the new gay mecca.
Anyway, it's Jeff Goldblum in a Scooby-Doo cartoon for grown-ups. How can you go wrong there?
Although, the ending is a bit weird. As it turns out, the "monsters" are just people with medical conditions who the doctor is trying to help, while the mayor and police chief embezzle the money to treat them and cover it up by treating them like monsters. So, okay, freaks are people too and persecuting them is wrong. Then all the monsters "get better." The "wolfman" gets electrolysis, Geena Davis admits she's not a vampire (so she's just a hot chick who thinks she's a vampire... this is not doing anything to decrease my perverse sexual lust for Geena David. Christ, she was the mom in Stuart Little... the things I want to do to that mouse's adopted mother...), the mummy is just someone who was wrapped in bandages from plastic surgery, the hunchbacks turn out not to have hunches... it's all more played for laughs than, say, a Lady Gaga song (sample line: "Hunchback husband and wife: We've never had a hump!"), but coming out against persecution and then talking about how great plastic surgery is--not that I'm some Ryan Murphy type who thinks people who get plastic surgery deserve to be raped--is the kind of thing that probably wouldn't play these days.
Like, Geena Davis thinking she was ugly because she had a crooked nose, so she pretended to be a vampire for attention, then she's fixed by Ed Begley Jr. telling her she's beautiful (and getting a nosejob)--that's actually just misogynistic enough to make my crush on Geena Davis go down to normal, levels. Thank God, I was about to watch Cutthroat Island.
The Muppets - Great movie, should've hosted the Oscars, charmingly noncynical, those people who think there's an anti-business message because the villain is an oil baron literally named Tex Oilman need to watch a "let's save the rec center!" movie to know what they're parodying. Three things though.
1. Obviously, there are a lot of celebrity cameos. Weirdly, most of them aren't, like, celebrities? Emily Blunt shows up. I feel like there's only so famous you can be when you starred in the Gulliver's Travels that's less fondly remembered than the Ted Danson version. Anyway, at one point, Donald Glover from Community shows up and you're like "oh, hey, it's Donald Glover! That's clever!" But then at the end, they recap all the celebrity cameos and Donald Glover isn't in there, so you're like "Oh. I guess they just... cast Donald Glover in this." Like, there was a small part, he auditioned for it, he got the part, they paid him, that was it. That's odd, isn't it? It's like Richard Dean Anderson showing up in The Expendables 3, and you're like "cool, they got MacGuyver!", but no, they just needed a guy and he got the part. Weird.
2. Okay, yeah, I grew up with the Muppets. Muppet Treasure Island and A Muppet Christmas Carol, holy shit. Why'd they stop making those before they did Muppet Great Expectations? I would've watched that. I would've watched Muppet Crime & Punishment. Here's the weird part--those movies, which I think were really the last time the Muppets were big-time, had Gonzo and Rizzo as sort of the face of the franchise. They were this duo, like Booster Gold and Blue Beetle (yes, I just explained a pair of Muppets characters by comparing them to D-list superheroes, deal). And this movie has Gonzo, obviously, but he never has a scene with Rizzo. In fact, I'm pretty sure Rizzo never even has a line.
I mean, you'd think Muppet Treasure Island and A Muppet Christmas Carol would be the touchstones for two young characters who grew up with the Muppets, like our heroes, but they're all about the Muppet Show, which was way back in the 70s. That's before Jason Segel was even born (assuming his character is his age, A Muppet Christmas Carol would come out when he was about twelve, so how could he and Walter miss that to concentrate exclusively on reruns and old tapes of the Muppet Show?). Like, they'd want to see Rizzo and Gonzo together again, there'd be a joke about it, something. Deathly gets more screentime than Rizzo, and Rizzo was pretty much the Leonard McCoy of the Muppets Universe for the 90s. Sure, he wasn't Spock or Kirk, but he was right up there! Now, look me in the internet and tell me you know who Deathly is. He's bullshit, that's who he is.
I'm just saying, what is this, some sort of Baby Boomer thing? "Oh, the Muppet Show was so great, and the first movies were so great, but as soon as Michael Caine and Tim Curry got involved, the whole thing took a nosedive." Listen to yourself! You're gainsaying Michael Caine! I guess there are Muppet purists who didn't like the 90s movies because Gonzo and Rizzo were front and center, instead of Kermit. And they were doing literary adaptations, and there were human stars. But they're like people who didn't like The Dark Knight because Batman wasn't in it enough. They get so wrapped up in their idea of what a Batman/Muppet movie should be that they can't appreciate something that's a little off-center. That's not fandom, that's making a check-list and taking off points for everything the filmmakers 'fail' to deliver. Okay, so the Joker is different and Alfred has a Cockney accent. Those aren't bad changes, like putting nipples on the Batsuit. They're just things that are right for this particular story. Batman has 500 costumes and a thousand Batmobiles, you think people would get that the presentation can deviate from the source material and still be good. If it can't, we might as well stop publishing comic books where Batman is a pirate.
Anyway, it just kinda sucks that I'm apparently not old enough to have my nostalgia catered to, but not young enough to be one of the new fans people are trying to capture. I'm just old enough for my favorites to be killed off in comic events.
3. Did every shot of the outside of Muppet Studios need a billboard for Cars 2? In a movie that's thematically against crass commercialization? If you're going to do it for Brave, that's okay, I could live with that. But Cars 2? That's like showing a trailer for Nation's Pride in front of Schindler's List.
New Year's Eve - You know, I was thinking about doing a fake review of this like I did for Jack & Jill, but nothing I make up could possibly compete with the fact that this movie literally ends with Carla Gugino pulling Valentine's Day DVDs out of Jessica Biel's vagina. No, I'm not kidding. That happens. And they're still in the cases. I think this is what would happen if someone were impregnated by Bil Keane.
