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seriousficTitle: The Award for Outstanding Unachievement in a Superhero goes to…
Fandom: Iron Man
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Tony/Pepper, Rhodes
Word Count: 1,032
Summary: Pepper Potts has the worst job in the world. (Except maybe for all the others.)
It’s the commencement speech that finally does it. Pepper’s been hounding him about it for five months (not counting the time he spent imprisoned by terrorists) and then she walks in on him being cut out of his suit. Literally cut out of it. It’s so banged up that Rhodey is using an circular saw on it.
“I thought you fixed that,” she said.
“Yeah, idiot-proof,” Tony said off-handedly, squirming away from the sparking saw blade.
“Apparently ‘idiot-proof’ doesn’t cover domestic terrorists with fertilizer bombs,” Rhodes said.
“He refused to come near me until I was hosed off. I need to get a real butler.”
Before JARVIS could join in the discussion, Pepper jerked forward like a pit-bull toward a particularly annoying squirrel. “At least tell me you finished the commencement speech.”
“It did somewhat slip my mind, but in my defense there were militiamen and hostages and at least one blonde.” Tony jabbed a finger for emphasis at the last part with his just-freed right arm.
“Was she pretty?” Rhodes asked like the second half of a vaudeville duo.
“She was very pretty. Pepper, you should take that into consideration.” He put a hand to his heart. His freed arm was covered with engine grease and ruptured crash gel that made him look like a slimy alien monster. “But I promise that after a few victory rounds with my chocolate bear here, I’ll get right on it.”
“The commencement is tomorrow!”
“I’ll write shorthand.”
Pepper threw her hands up in the air. “Argh! I give up! You don’t need an executive assistant! You need a mother or-or a slave driver!”
“Hey!” Rhodey cried out.
“Sorry, James. But you’re with me on this, right?”
Rhodes shook his head. “Iron-manning up takes priority.”
“As does getting our drink on. You know what, forget the saw, use the laser, this is taking too long. All the strippers are going to go home.”
Pepper closed her eyes, bracing herself, and unplugged the circular saw.
“James, leave. You’re drinking alone tonight.” Pepper crossed her arms. “Put it on Mr. Stark’s tab.”
Tony tried to look at her as best he could with his armor locked up like a statue. “Hey, Pepper? Kinda need that key to open up this sardine can.”
“Why? You’re just going to fly out again tomorrow, abandoning all your responsibilities to play superhero. Why not just add a food tube and a diaper so you can live in that damn thing?”
Tony glanced at Rhodey. “Could you give us a moment?”
“Right. Is that a moment-moment or a don’t-wait-up-moment?”
Tony took a look at Pepper’s stern expression. She crossed her arms in the most severe way imaginable. “Don’t wait up,” Tony said miserably.
With an apologetic shrug and half-smile, Rhodes departed. Pepper grabbed a screwdriver and worked at popping open one of the jammed panels on Tony’s shoulder. Tony opened his mouth to speak and Pepper brandished the tool threateningly.
“This… does not need to be ripped apart. It just needs a woman’s touch.” Softening, she slid the edge of the screwdriver under the ruptured edge of the panel, working at it until it finally popped open. Then she gingerly pulled it loose from its hinges. “You’re going to die in that…” she made the face she got when she wanted to curse, but what was left of professional decorum stopped her. “--suit. Doesn’t that bother you?”
“There was a time I would’ve preferred to go out—“ he cleared his throat “—with my boots on, but then I thought that might be a little traumatizing for the ladies.”
Pepper finally wrenched the plate loose. “I’m talking about your life, Tony. Flying around in a superhero suit for a few months isn’t a legacy.”
“And delivering a commencement speech is?”
“Damnit, Tony!”
“Well, what do you want from me!?” He was finally getting serious, his free hand coming up to comb through his sweat-damp hair. “Because I am smart enough to know this isn’t about some goddamn speech.”
“I want you to be responsible. Remember that? You’ve had the arc reactor on the drawing board for months, you’ve got thousands of employees who need new work since you closed the weapons plant, but you keep flying away in that suit. You need to…” She rested a hand on his chestplate, still warm with the power flowing through it. “This is not who you are. You have so much more to offer the world and if you die, it’ll be a waste. It won’t be a heroic death or a martyr’s death, it’ll be stupid.”
Tony looked down at the hand splayed on his chest. “Plus, you’ll never know what it was like to kiss me.”
Pepper pulled her hand back. “Mr. Stark…”
“I know, it would be a tragedy.”
“Could you be more full of yourself?”
“If I tried, probably.” He leaned in seductively closer, as best he could in a powered-down suit of armor. “So you’re not the least bit curious what hundreds of satisfied women are talking about?”
“It’s on my to-do list.”
“Better hurry. I’m going to die in this suit, you know.”
Despite herself, Pepper felt herself put at ease by having her words fired back at her. At least he was acknowledging the risk instead of hiding from it. Even if his acknowledgment was mainly an adrenaline high, a flirting point.
“Do the commencement speech, and I’ll lead a more in-depth investigation,” Pepper said as flirtatiously as possible. It’d been a while, but given the way Tony’s eyes opened a little and his nostrils flared, she still had a little something left in the basement.
Tony took a deep, weary breath. “Graduates, it’s probably been a long four years for those of who you can remember it. Some of you are probably wishing you’d studied more. Most of you are wishing you’d partied more. A select few of you are… joke?”
“You’re just making it up as you go along?”
“It’s my way.”
Pepper flicked between a scowl and a smirk before she settled for kissing his cheek. “I’ll get a tape recorder.”
Tony flexed, making the armor groan a little. “Bring the laser too.”
Fandom: Iron Man
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Tony/Pepper, Rhodes
Word Count: 1,032
Summary: Pepper Potts has the worst job in the world. (Except maybe for all the others.)
It’s the commencement speech that finally does it. Pepper’s been hounding him about it for five months (not counting the time he spent imprisoned by terrorists) and then she walks in on him being cut out of his suit. Literally cut out of it. It’s so banged up that Rhodey is using an circular saw on it.
“I thought you fixed that,” she said.
“Yeah, idiot-proof,” Tony said off-handedly, squirming away from the sparking saw blade.
“Apparently ‘idiot-proof’ doesn’t cover domestic terrorists with fertilizer bombs,” Rhodes said.
“He refused to come near me until I was hosed off. I need to get a real butler.”
Before JARVIS could join in the discussion, Pepper jerked forward like a pit-bull toward a particularly annoying squirrel. “At least tell me you finished the commencement speech.”
“It did somewhat slip my mind, but in my defense there were militiamen and hostages and at least one blonde.” Tony jabbed a finger for emphasis at the last part with his just-freed right arm.
“Was she pretty?” Rhodes asked like the second half of a vaudeville duo.
“She was very pretty. Pepper, you should take that into consideration.” He put a hand to his heart. His freed arm was covered with engine grease and ruptured crash gel that made him look like a slimy alien monster. “But I promise that after a few victory rounds with my chocolate bear here, I’ll get right on it.”
“The commencement is tomorrow!”
“I’ll write shorthand.”
Pepper threw her hands up in the air. “Argh! I give up! You don’t need an executive assistant! You need a mother or-or a slave driver!”
“Hey!” Rhodey cried out.
“Sorry, James. But you’re with me on this, right?”
Rhodes shook his head. “Iron-manning up takes priority.”
“As does getting our drink on. You know what, forget the saw, use the laser, this is taking too long. All the strippers are going to go home.”
Pepper closed her eyes, bracing herself, and unplugged the circular saw.
“James, leave. You’re drinking alone tonight.” Pepper crossed her arms. “Put it on Mr. Stark’s tab.”
Tony tried to look at her as best he could with his armor locked up like a statue. “Hey, Pepper? Kinda need that key to open up this sardine can.”
“Why? You’re just going to fly out again tomorrow, abandoning all your responsibilities to play superhero. Why not just add a food tube and a diaper so you can live in that damn thing?”
Tony glanced at Rhodey. “Could you give us a moment?”
“Right. Is that a moment-moment or a don’t-wait-up-moment?”
Tony took a look at Pepper’s stern expression. She crossed her arms in the most severe way imaginable. “Don’t wait up,” Tony said miserably.
With an apologetic shrug and half-smile, Rhodes departed. Pepper grabbed a screwdriver and worked at popping open one of the jammed panels on Tony’s shoulder. Tony opened his mouth to speak and Pepper brandished the tool threateningly.
“This… does not need to be ripped apart. It just needs a woman’s touch.” Softening, she slid the edge of the screwdriver under the ruptured edge of the panel, working at it until it finally popped open. Then she gingerly pulled it loose from its hinges. “You’re going to die in that…” she made the face she got when she wanted to curse, but what was left of professional decorum stopped her. “--suit. Doesn’t that bother you?”
“There was a time I would’ve preferred to go out—“ he cleared his throat “—with my boots on, but then I thought that might be a little traumatizing for the ladies.”
Pepper finally wrenched the plate loose. “I’m talking about your life, Tony. Flying around in a superhero suit for a few months isn’t a legacy.”
“And delivering a commencement speech is?”
“Damnit, Tony!”
“Well, what do you want from me!?” He was finally getting serious, his free hand coming up to comb through his sweat-damp hair. “Because I am smart enough to know this isn’t about some goddamn speech.”
“I want you to be responsible. Remember that? You’ve had the arc reactor on the drawing board for months, you’ve got thousands of employees who need new work since you closed the weapons plant, but you keep flying away in that suit. You need to…” She rested a hand on his chestplate, still warm with the power flowing through it. “This is not who you are. You have so much more to offer the world and if you die, it’ll be a waste. It won’t be a heroic death or a martyr’s death, it’ll be stupid.”
Tony looked down at the hand splayed on his chest. “Plus, you’ll never know what it was like to kiss me.”
Pepper pulled her hand back. “Mr. Stark…”
“I know, it would be a tragedy.”
“Could you be more full of yourself?”
“If I tried, probably.” He leaned in seductively closer, as best he could in a powered-down suit of armor. “So you’re not the least bit curious what hundreds of satisfied women are talking about?”
“It’s on my to-do list.”
“Better hurry. I’m going to die in this suit, you know.”
Despite herself, Pepper felt herself put at ease by having her words fired back at her. At least he was acknowledging the risk instead of hiding from it. Even if his acknowledgment was mainly an adrenaline high, a flirting point.
“Do the commencement speech, and I’ll lead a more in-depth investigation,” Pepper said as flirtatiously as possible. It’d been a while, but given the way Tony’s eyes opened a little and his nostrils flared, she still had a little something left in the basement.
Tony took a deep, weary breath. “Graduates, it’s probably been a long four years for those of who you can remember it. Some of you are probably wishing you’d studied more. Most of you are wishing you’d partied more. A select few of you are… joke?”
“You’re just making it up as you go along?”
“It’s my way.”
Pepper flicked between a scowl and a smirk before she settled for kissing his cheek. “I’ll get a tape recorder.”
Tony flexed, making the armor groan a little. “Bring the laser too.”
