I really hope they don't lean toward her as the main love interest, given that she really isn't in the comic series, as far as I know. Then again, I enjoy the partnership more than the romance.
As far as the first part of the story, it's mostly personal preference. I really love the bit about the different "flavors of the week," but I don't quite see the "heart of a kitten."
I'm also having a hard time with the structure of a couple of the paragraph's sentences:
"Knowing all that, it would be a fool who fell in love with the man underneath the armor, knowing he wasn’t a hero. Not really."
The "Knowing he wasn't a hero" seems like it doesn't quite belond there when you start the sentence with "knowing all that." I'd stick to one or the other.
Also, the "Not really" feels just as out of place. Alright, she's in love -- but wait -- she's not? It feels less like a secretary's justification for obsessing over her boss and more like a ... jealous ex-lover. That may be the angle you're looking for, though.
"Just because he risked his life at the drop of a hat and now when he didn’t come home at night it was because some sociopath with a grudge needed to be stomped on."
This reads like a run on sentence. I think the "Just because he risked his life at the drop of a hat" part doesn't fit with the rest of the thought. It's as if you're suggesting he has stopped risking his life in favor of stomping on sociopaths.
Maybe you were looking for something more like: "She was accustomed to his random death-defying adventures, but now, when he didn't come home at night, she had to wonder which sociopath was acting on a grudge."
no subject
Date: 2008-05-12 08:05 pm (UTC)As far as the first part of the story, it's mostly personal preference. I really love the bit about the different "flavors of the week," but I don't quite see the "heart of a kitten."
I'm also having a hard time with the structure of a couple of the paragraph's sentences:
"Knowing all that, it would be a fool who fell in love with the man underneath the armor, knowing he wasn’t a hero. Not really."
The "Knowing he wasn't a hero" seems like it doesn't quite belond there when you start the sentence with "knowing all that." I'd stick to one or the other.
Also, the "Not really" feels just as out of place. Alright, she's in love -- but wait -- she's not? It feels less like a secretary's justification for obsessing over her boss and more like a ... jealous ex-lover. That may be the angle you're looking for, though.
"Just because he risked his life at the drop of a hat and now when he didn’t come home at night it was because some sociopath with a grudge needed to be stomped on."
This reads like a run on sentence. I think the "Just because he risked his life at the drop of a hat" part doesn't fit with the rest of the thought. It's as if you're suggesting he has stopped risking his life in favor of stomping on sociopaths.
Maybe you were looking for something more like: "She was accustomed to his random death-defying adventures, but now, when he didn't come home at night, she had to wonder which sociopath was acting on a grudge."
Does that help?