Lezbos Part 6
Oct. 1st, 2011 09:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficSince when do fake scripts get fan art?
That is, if you count promo art for 2 Broke Girls with a caption as fan art. Which I do. Thanks,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bitta2sweet!
INT. BILLIE'S OFFICE – ELEVATOR – MORNING
Billie and Alicia go up alone. Both wear nicely-tailored suits. Billie's bowtie kinda defuses her butchness. Alicia looks like she could be in a drag show. They strut down to Billie's cubicle, holding hands.
BILLIE: (sotto) I don't think they're picking up that we're lesbians.
ALICIA: Give it time. Men are pervs, they'll get it right.
Billie's manager, TOM PURDUE, passes by. He's a bit of a dick, as managers tend to be.
TOM: Billie, you're running late. Who's this?
ALICIA: Alicia Moore. I'm her girlfriend.
BILLIE: I'm just showing her my office.
TOM: This isn't Bring Your BFF To Work Day. I expect her out before you start a sewing circle.
He moves on. Alicia shoots daggers at his exit.
BILLIE: (unnecessarily) That's Tom. I work for him.
ALICIA: Is everyone in your life some kind of bitch?
BILLIE: You're not.
ALICIA: Am so, just the cool kind.
They reach Billie's cubicle. It's depressingly cutesy, littered with pictures of Billie and Zane. While Billie sniffles, Alicia starts shoving things into her satchel.
ALICIA: Just think of it as spring cleaning, Billie. I'm taking this, though. Payment.
She grabs a paperclip chain and shoves it in, but it's so long it takes a couple goes. Then she takes a picture out of her satchel and sets it on Billie's desk. It's a roller coaster shot of Alicia and Billie, Billie screaming, Alicia flashing the camera. Billie runs a hand along the heart-shaped picture frame.
BILLIE: Aw. Six Flags.
ALICIA: It's the best picture I could find of us together where I didn't have that Marilyn Monroe tattoo. Why did I think that was a good idea? Anyway, background details, right?
BILLIE: (touched) Research and preparation. You do care.
She hugs Alicia, who is unresponsive.
ALICIA: Okay, back it up. We're gay, we're not… chicks.
Billie sits down promptly in her chair and starts typing. Alicia slouches against the wall, looking about as feminine as a Mossad agent. She looks around. Everyone has their head buried in their work. Thinking, Alicia starts to massage Billie's shoulders. Looks around.
ALICIA: No one's noticing—
BILLIE: Noticing what?
In rapid succession, Alicia smells Billie's hair, pulls on her bowtie with her teeth, and finally licks the side of her face. She pokes her head out of the cubicle. Nope.
ALICIA: (leaving) So, see you tonight.
BILLIE: See ya.
ALICIA: (loudly) If you're going to get home late, call me, I'll put your dinner in the fridge.
BILLIE: I'll get back right after five.
ALICIA: Good. Then we can relax on the couch and watch Wild Things.
BILLIE: Oh, Where The Wild Things Are? I've been meaning to see that! It's like a kids' movie that you don't let kids watch.
ALICIA: No. Wild Things with Denise Richards. Unless you don't want to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell have sex.
BILLIE: (gets it) Oh, no, I'm all for that. I loved Party of Five.
As Alicia leaves, she finally notices a pair of MEN staring. She hits the call button and waits by the elevator.
ALICIA: If there's something you'd like to say, say it. I'm always willing to educate people about our lifestyle.
MAN: What you do is sick and wrong.
Alicia gives him the finger. Then extends the pointer finger of the same hand in a V. Then licks between them. The elevator arrives.
INT. ELEVATOR – DAY
Alone, Alicia bites her lip and takes another look at Erica's list before wadding it up. She kicks the wall in frustration.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
The men look back at a laptop, which is playing Erica's video. On it, Alicia is dancing the lambada with Earl, who is being maneuvered by Billie.
MAN: Fucking furries.
INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY
Billie goes around the room, handing out folders to men in business suits. Tom is at the head of the table.
BILLIE: So, if you'll just read these, you'll see that the product roll-out will net us a much larger profit so long as it doesn't coincide with the 'back to school' sales period.
TOM: (nodding) Alright, Plum. Now if you could get started on the sales projections for the fourth quarters…? Stay late if you have to. I would do it, but this meeting is going to be a bear.
BILLIE: Well, I would do it too, but I have to get home and eat my girlfriend's pussy.
Stunned. Silence. Billie smiles and moves her arms a little.
BILLIE: So I'll give it to Jack. He's probably getting bored playing Solitaire in his corner office.
Billie grabs one of the donuts from the conference table and exits.
BUSINESS SUIT: Did she say she had to feed her girlfriend's cat?
TOM: No.
EXT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – DAY
Establishing shot. The windows look cleaner and the blinds are up.
ALICIA: (V.O.) You did not!
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – DAY
Home from work, Billie has defused her business suit, jacket off and tie MIA. She's cleaning the apartment, sorting the junk lying around into either a trash bag or a cardboard box. Alicia supervises, as in watching the now-muted TV.
BILLIE: I did.
ALICIA: You mumbled. Or said you were just kidding.
BILLIE: Nope!
They're sharing a bottle of wine. Billie offers her empty glass to Alicia, who loads her.
ALICIA: Wow. When did you become such a badass?
BILLIE: Maybe I got a little boost of confidence by dating the prettiest girl on the island.
Alicia absently swigs from the bottle instead of pouring.
ALICIA: But we're not really dating.
BILLIE: I'm good at pretending. Why do you think Zane thought he was so good in bed?
The box is at capacity. Billie drops it beside Alicia on the couch.
BILLIE: Okay, this clutter is going to the yard sale. You can save two things.
ALICIA: Hey, there's a lot of great stuff in here! (hasn't looked inside yet) …I'm assuming!
With the coffee table cleared off, there's now room for a fruit bowl. Billie sets it down, arranging everything just so.
BILLIE: Yes, but if we get rid of some of this stuff, then we can tell if this apartment has carpet or tile on the floor.
ALICIA: Fine. I'll do it.
BILLIE: (old married couple) Don’t just say you're going to look at it and then not look at it.
Groaning, Alicia shuffles through the box.
ALICIA: Why do I have two copies of Command & Conquer: Red Alert?
BILLIE: (teasing) One for each of your personalities?
With a confused expression on her face, Alicia comes up with a Harlequin romance novel.
BILLIE: I just assumed you won't need that, since there's porn on the internet now.
ALICIA: No. What? I don't read romance novels. I just borrowed this from a friend because of the cover and I have to give it back.
The cover is of a Navy SEAL punching out a pirate. Both men are bare-chested and there's a chest-heaving wench with either arm wrapped around their legs.
BILLIE: What friend?
ALICIA: If I borrowed your romance novel, would you like me giving out your identity?
BILLIE: Point. Well, I am going to the grocery store. You are going to experience some of my famous cooking tonight!
ALICIA: Why can't you cook what we've got in the kitchen?
BILLIE: Alicia, making something edible out of fourteen ketchup packets, a carrot, a cucumber, and a half-eaten package of Batman-themed popsicles isn't a job for a cook. It's a job for MacGuyver.
Alicia muses on this as Billie leaves. She flips through the Harlequin.
EXT. PIRATE SHIP – DAY
Stock footage from Pirates of the Caribbean.
INT. PIRATE SHIP – BELOW DECKS – DAY
Alicia is dressed as a PIRATE WENCH, while a pirate captain, played by a HUNKY CW TYPE, ravishes her.
HUNKY CW TYPE: And now, my pretty, I will have my way with you! (beat) If that's okay with you, of course.
Alicia nods enthusiastically. He grabs her face romantically and moves in slowly for a kiss, pausing with his lips an inch from her. And pauses. And pauses.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
Alicia holds up her vibrator, which is emphatically not vibrating. She conks it a few times. No go.
ALICIA: Now my vagina isn't even good enough for unmanned exploration?
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – EVENING
Alicia ruffles through her refrigerator. Comes up with a carrot, a cucumber, and a popsicle.
ALICIA: Why didn't I get tube steak? It was on the list…
She puts the carrot back, looks at the popsicle and cucumber.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
Alicia goes back to her book, eating the popsicle and holding the cucumber.
INT. PIRATE SHIP – BELOW DECKS – DAY
The CW hunk, with an open-chested puffy shirt, continues ravishing Alicia.
HUNKY CW TYPE: Aren't I a little young for you, though?
Alicia pushes him downtown in a huff. She moans appreciatively. Then the pirate captain pops back up, now played by BILLIE.
BILLIE: Hi there!
ALICIA: Billie!
She notices that Billie is still wearing Fabio's open shirt. She pulls it shut.
ALICIA: You're a lady! And what are you doing here?
BILLIE: I'm just here to remind you about my boobs. (reopens shirt) They're great, see?
ALICIA: Go away! Shoo! Where'd Chad Michael Murray go?
She looks around, sees another Billie wearing a Princess Leia outfit, complete with Cinnabuns.
BILLIE: Hey, remember the time I wore this for Halloween?
ALICIA: Yeah, it was cute.
BILLIE: Well, I was wearing this under it!
Billie rips off the A New Hope dress to reveal a Slave Leia outfit. Alicia is caught halfway between a moan and a cringe, looking like a robot running out of power.
ALICIA: Look! I'm not a lesbian, so you're going to have to get out of here while I have my orgasm!
BILLIE: I'm your subconscious. You're a lesbian.
ALICIA: Am not!
BILLIE: Why did you have an Agent Scully poster when you were in high school?
ALICIA: She was a great role model!
BILLIE: So you hung her over your bed? Why'd you watch Star Trek: Voyager?
ALICIA: It was a good show.
BILLIE: (laughing, shaking her head) Two numbers. Seven of Nine. And why did you watch Gia?
ALICIA: Hey, that's Angelina Jolie, doesn't count!
BILLIE: You're a giant lezbo and you're going to have an orgasm thinking about me.
ALICIA: Oh yeah?
Alicia pulls out the big guns. NEIL GAIMAN steps out of the shadows.
NEIL: I had to see you, Alicia. I came right off the set of the Harry Potter TV series, which I am writing, and which will include the Marauders' backstory.
Alicia closes her eyes and hums in pleasure. Billie waits patiently.
NEIL: I can't stay long. I'm also writing an episode for all those shows you like. And singing a jazz number on Glee.
Alicia moans. Billie taps her foot.
NEIL: Also, Guillermo del Toro is finally making On The Mountains of Madness. He told me. We drink tea together.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
We see, from behind the love seat, Alicia lying down. Her head and feet stick out over the armrests. Her panties are down. Her eyes are closed. Her moans get louder and louder until…
ALICIA: Billie!
BILLIE: (O.S.) Yeah?
Alicia jerks up. Billie is shuffling her way past the door with two armfuls of groceries. Hurriedly, Alicia yanks her pants into place and hides the cucumber in the fruit bowl.
ALICIA: Just… happy you're back! (sotto) Really happy…
Billie gives Alicia's shoulder a little hip-check in passing and goes to the kitchen, where she efficiently fills the refrigerator.
BILLIE: You're going to be really happy when I'm done making this. My salad is to die for.
Alicia's eyebrow raises suspiciously. Did Billie hear her? But she spoke sotto voce!
BILLIE: Now where's that… ah!
Billie grabs the cucumber from the fruit bowl. Alicia stares so hard it's like she's been in 'Nam.
BILLIE: Silly Alicia. Cucumbers aren't a fruit!
ALICIA: I thought it was… like… a tomato. Scientifically, it's a fruit, but it tastes like veg.
BILLIE: And Pluto's not a planet, don't get me started…
She returns to the kitchen. Alicia hurriedly buckles her belt.
BILLIE: You are having a healthy meal. When I'm in a retirement home, abandoned by my grandchildren, I want you living with me.
ALICIA: ("hooray") We can watch Fried Green Tomatoes and care.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
Yeah, they're watching Wild Things. Billie sits on the couch. Alicia sits on the loveseat. Neve Campbell and Denise Richards are making out. Billie's eating salad. Alicia cringes every time she takes a bite, but so far it's just lettuce. Alicia's own bowl is empty except for the cucumber slices.
BILLIE: You want some?
ALICIA: (tearing herself away) Huh?
BILLIE: Come on, sit over here, we can share.
ALICIA: (curling in on herself) I'm good.
BILLIE: Okay.
ALICIA: Like, why do we need to cuddle all the time? Is it because we're girls? What if it's the Patriarchy? They couldn't keep us in the kitchen, so now they keep us spooning.
BILLIE: (unsure) I could just give you the bowl if you're hungry.
ALICIA: I'm not hungry. In fact, I think we should agree that we only do this lesbian stuff in front of other people. Otherwise, we'd…
She stops short. Billie looks at her, obliviously stuffing her face.
BILLIE: (mouth full) We'd what?
ALICIA: You know I'm straight, right? Just because I had one threesome—I'm not even sure it wasn't a Devil's Threesome, one of them was a hipster.
BILLIE: Well, you're not exactly a girly girl.
ALICIA: I'm girly!
BILLIE: What's your favorite CD?
ALICIA: Led Zeppelin IV.
BILLIE: See? It's alright. I like that about you.
Alicia is getting more and more uncomfortable. It doesn't help that Billie has just speared a slice of cucumber on her fork.
ALICIA: So, found a new guy yet so we can stop lezzing?
BILLIE: Sorta.
The cucumber slides off Billie's fork.
ALICIA: Awesome!
She starts to get up, clearly meaning to hug Billie, then plops back down sideways, like that was her plan all along.
ALICIA: (offering hand) Air five.
Billie awkwardly 'fives the air.
BILLIE: It's this guy, Tad, I met him in line at the grocery store. I was thinking we could have him over for dinner tomorrow, get to be friends…
ALICIA: Then we fake a fight and you go cry on his penis.
BILLIE: Just… when you meet him, tell me if he's a dick like Zane. I need less dicks in my life.
ALICIA: The word I used was bitch.
BILLIE: But I like bitches.
Alicia gets up.
ALICIA: I'm gonna go… do my hair.
BILLIE: You want help?
ALICIA: No, I'm using the glitter.
As Alicia leaves, we hear a crunch from Billie.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Oh my god! (Alicia winces) This cucumber is delicious!
That is, if you count promo art for 2 Broke Girls with a caption as fan art. Which I do. Thanks,
bitta2sweet!INT. BILLIE'S OFFICE – ELEVATOR – MORNING
Billie and Alicia go up alone. Both wear nicely-tailored suits. Billie's bowtie kinda defuses her butchness. Alicia looks like she could be in a drag show. They strut down to Billie's cubicle, holding hands.
BILLIE: (sotto) I don't think they're picking up that we're lesbians.
ALICIA: Give it time. Men are pervs, they'll get it right.
Billie's manager, TOM PURDUE, passes by. He's a bit of a dick, as managers tend to be.
TOM: Billie, you're running late. Who's this?
ALICIA: Alicia Moore. I'm her girlfriend.
BILLIE: I'm just showing her my office.
TOM: This isn't Bring Your BFF To Work Day. I expect her out before you start a sewing circle.
He moves on. Alicia shoots daggers at his exit.
BILLIE: (unnecessarily) That's Tom. I work for him.
ALICIA: Is everyone in your life some kind of bitch?
BILLIE: You're not.
ALICIA: Am so, just the cool kind.
They reach Billie's cubicle. It's depressingly cutesy, littered with pictures of Billie and Zane. While Billie sniffles, Alicia starts shoving things into her satchel.
ALICIA: Just think of it as spring cleaning, Billie. I'm taking this, though. Payment.
She grabs a paperclip chain and shoves it in, but it's so long it takes a couple goes. Then she takes a picture out of her satchel and sets it on Billie's desk. It's a roller coaster shot of Alicia and Billie, Billie screaming, Alicia flashing the camera. Billie runs a hand along the heart-shaped picture frame.
BILLIE: Aw. Six Flags.
ALICIA: It's the best picture I could find of us together where I didn't have that Marilyn Monroe tattoo. Why did I think that was a good idea? Anyway, background details, right?
BILLIE: (touched) Research and preparation. You do care.
She hugs Alicia, who is unresponsive.
ALICIA: Okay, back it up. We're gay, we're not… chicks.
Billie sits down promptly in her chair and starts typing. Alicia slouches against the wall, looking about as feminine as a Mossad agent. She looks around. Everyone has their head buried in their work. Thinking, Alicia starts to massage Billie's shoulders. Looks around.
ALICIA: No one's noticing—
BILLIE: Noticing what?
In rapid succession, Alicia smells Billie's hair, pulls on her bowtie with her teeth, and finally licks the side of her face. She pokes her head out of the cubicle. Nope.
ALICIA: (leaving) So, see you tonight.
BILLIE: See ya.
ALICIA: (loudly) If you're going to get home late, call me, I'll put your dinner in the fridge.
BILLIE: I'll get back right after five.
ALICIA: Good. Then we can relax on the couch and watch Wild Things.
BILLIE: Oh, Where The Wild Things Are? I've been meaning to see that! It's like a kids' movie that you don't let kids watch.
ALICIA: No. Wild Things with Denise Richards. Unless you don't want to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell have sex.
BILLIE: (gets it) Oh, no, I'm all for that. I loved Party of Five.
As Alicia leaves, she finally notices a pair of MEN staring. She hits the call button and waits by the elevator.
ALICIA: If there's something you'd like to say, say it. I'm always willing to educate people about our lifestyle.
MAN: What you do is sick and wrong.
Alicia gives him the finger. Then extends the pointer finger of the same hand in a V. Then licks between them. The elevator arrives.
INT. ELEVATOR – DAY
Alone, Alicia bites her lip and takes another look at Erica's list before wadding it up. She kicks the wall in frustration.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
The men look back at a laptop, which is playing Erica's video. On it, Alicia is dancing the lambada with Earl, who is being maneuvered by Billie.
MAN: Fucking furries.
INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY
Billie goes around the room, handing out folders to men in business suits. Tom is at the head of the table.
BILLIE: So, if you'll just read these, you'll see that the product roll-out will net us a much larger profit so long as it doesn't coincide with the 'back to school' sales period.
TOM: (nodding) Alright, Plum. Now if you could get started on the sales projections for the fourth quarters…? Stay late if you have to. I would do it, but this meeting is going to be a bear.
BILLIE: Well, I would do it too, but I have to get home and eat my girlfriend's pussy.
Stunned. Silence. Billie smiles and moves her arms a little.
BILLIE: So I'll give it to Jack. He's probably getting bored playing Solitaire in his corner office.
Billie grabs one of the donuts from the conference table and exits.
BUSINESS SUIT: Did she say she had to feed her girlfriend's cat?
TOM: No.
EXT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – DAY
Establishing shot. The windows look cleaner and the blinds are up.
ALICIA: (V.O.) You did not!
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – DAY
Home from work, Billie has defused her business suit, jacket off and tie MIA. She's cleaning the apartment, sorting the junk lying around into either a trash bag or a cardboard box. Alicia supervises, as in watching the now-muted TV.
BILLIE: I did.
ALICIA: You mumbled. Or said you were just kidding.
BILLIE: Nope!
They're sharing a bottle of wine. Billie offers her empty glass to Alicia, who loads her.
ALICIA: Wow. When did you become such a badass?
BILLIE: Maybe I got a little boost of confidence by dating the prettiest girl on the island.
Alicia absently swigs from the bottle instead of pouring.
ALICIA: But we're not really dating.
BILLIE: I'm good at pretending. Why do you think Zane thought he was so good in bed?
The box is at capacity. Billie drops it beside Alicia on the couch.
BILLIE: Okay, this clutter is going to the yard sale. You can save two things.
ALICIA: Hey, there's a lot of great stuff in here! (hasn't looked inside yet) …I'm assuming!
With the coffee table cleared off, there's now room for a fruit bowl. Billie sets it down, arranging everything just so.
BILLIE: Yes, but if we get rid of some of this stuff, then we can tell if this apartment has carpet or tile on the floor.
ALICIA: Fine. I'll do it.
BILLIE: (old married couple) Don’t just say you're going to look at it and then not look at it.
Groaning, Alicia shuffles through the box.
ALICIA: Why do I have two copies of Command & Conquer: Red Alert?
BILLIE: (teasing) One for each of your personalities?
With a confused expression on her face, Alicia comes up with a Harlequin romance novel.
BILLIE: I just assumed you won't need that, since there's porn on the internet now.
ALICIA: No. What? I don't read romance novels. I just borrowed this from a friend because of the cover and I have to give it back.
The cover is of a Navy SEAL punching out a pirate. Both men are bare-chested and there's a chest-heaving wench with either arm wrapped around their legs.
BILLIE: What friend?
ALICIA: If I borrowed your romance novel, would you like me giving out your identity?
BILLIE: Point. Well, I am going to the grocery store. You are going to experience some of my famous cooking tonight!
ALICIA: Why can't you cook what we've got in the kitchen?
BILLIE: Alicia, making something edible out of fourteen ketchup packets, a carrot, a cucumber, and a half-eaten package of Batman-themed popsicles isn't a job for a cook. It's a job for MacGuyver.
Alicia muses on this as Billie leaves. She flips through the Harlequin.
EXT. PIRATE SHIP – DAY
Stock footage from Pirates of the Caribbean.
INT. PIRATE SHIP – BELOW DECKS – DAY
Alicia is dressed as a PIRATE WENCH, while a pirate captain, played by a HUNKY CW TYPE, ravishes her.
HUNKY CW TYPE: And now, my pretty, I will have my way with you! (beat) If that's okay with you, of course.
Alicia nods enthusiastically. He grabs her face romantically and moves in slowly for a kiss, pausing with his lips an inch from her. And pauses. And pauses.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
Alicia holds up her vibrator, which is emphatically not vibrating. She conks it a few times. No go.
ALICIA: Now my vagina isn't even good enough for unmanned exploration?
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – KITCHEN – EVENING
Alicia ruffles through her refrigerator. Comes up with a carrot, a cucumber, and a popsicle.
ALICIA: Why didn't I get tube steak? It was on the list…
She puts the carrot back, looks at the popsicle and cucumber.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
Alicia goes back to her book, eating the popsicle and holding the cucumber.
INT. PIRATE SHIP – BELOW DECKS – DAY
The CW hunk, with an open-chested puffy shirt, continues ravishing Alicia.
HUNKY CW TYPE: Aren't I a little young for you, though?
Alicia pushes him downtown in a huff. She moans appreciatively. Then the pirate captain pops back up, now played by BILLIE.
BILLIE: Hi there!
ALICIA: Billie!
She notices that Billie is still wearing Fabio's open shirt. She pulls it shut.
ALICIA: You're a lady! And what are you doing here?
BILLIE: I'm just here to remind you about my boobs. (reopens shirt) They're great, see?
ALICIA: Go away! Shoo! Where'd Chad Michael Murray go?
She looks around, sees another Billie wearing a Princess Leia outfit, complete with Cinnabuns.
BILLIE: Hey, remember the time I wore this for Halloween?
ALICIA: Yeah, it was cute.
BILLIE: Well, I was wearing this under it!
Billie rips off the A New Hope dress to reveal a Slave Leia outfit. Alicia is caught halfway between a moan and a cringe, looking like a robot running out of power.
ALICIA: Look! I'm not a lesbian, so you're going to have to get out of here while I have my orgasm!
BILLIE: I'm your subconscious. You're a lesbian.
ALICIA: Am not!
BILLIE: Why did you have an Agent Scully poster when you were in high school?
ALICIA: She was a great role model!
BILLIE: So you hung her over your bed? Why'd you watch Star Trek: Voyager?
ALICIA: It was a good show.
BILLIE: (laughing, shaking her head) Two numbers. Seven of Nine. And why did you watch Gia?
ALICIA: Hey, that's Angelina Jolie, doesn't count!
BILLIE: You're a giant lezbo and you're going to have an orgasm thinking about me.
ALICIA: Oh yeah?
Alicia pulls out the big guns. NEIL GAIMAN steps out of the shadows.
NEIL: I had to see you, Alicia. I came right off the set of the Harry Potter TV series, which I am writing, and which will include the Marauders' backstory.
Alicia closes her eyes and hums in pleasure. Billie waits patiently.
NEIL: I can't stay long. I'm also writing an episode for all those shows you like. And singing a jazz number on Glee.
Alicia moans. Billie taps her foot.
NEIL: Also, Guillermo del Toro is finally making On The Mountains of Madness. He told me. We drink tea together.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
We see, from behind the love seat, Alicia lying down. Her head and feet stick out over the armrests. Her panties are down. Her eyes are closed. Her moans get louder and louder until…
ALICIA: Billie!
BILLIE: (O.S.) Yeah?
Alicia jerks up. Billie is shuffling her way past the door with two armfuls of groceries. Hurriedly, Alicia yanks her pants into place and hides the cucumber in the fruit bowl.
ALICIA: Just… happy you're back! (sotto) Really happy…
Billie gives Alicia's shoulder a little hip-check in passing and goes to the kitchen, where she efficiently fills the refrigerator.
BILLIE: You're going to be really happy when I'm done making this. My salad is to die for.
Alicia's eyebrow raises suspiciously. Did Billie hear her? But she spoke sotto voce!
BILLIE: Now where's that… ah!
Billie grabs the cucumber from the fruit bowl. Alicia stares so hard it's like she's been in 'Nam.
BILLIE: Silly Alicia. Cucumbers aren't a fruit!
ALICIA: I thought it was… like… a tomato. Scientifically, it's a fruit, but it tastes like veg.
BILLIE: And Pluto's not a planet, don't get me started…
She returns to the kitchen. Alicia hurriedly buckles her belt.
BILLIE: You are having a healthy meal. When I'm in a retirement home, abandoned by my grandchildren, I want you living with me.
ALICIA: ("hooray") We can watch Fried Green Tomatoes and care.
INT. ALICIA'S APARTMENT – EVENING
Yeah, they're watching Wild Things. Billie sits on the couch. Alicia sits on the loveseat. Neve Campbell and Denise Richards are making out. Billie's eating salad. Alicia cringes every time she takes a bite, but so far it's just lettuce. Alicia's own bowl is empty except for the cucumber slices.
BILLIE: You want some?
ALICIA: (tearing herself away) Huh?
BILLIE: Come on, sit over here, we can share.
ALICIA: (curling in on herself) I'm good.
BILLIE: Okay.
ALICIA: Like, why do we need to cuddle all the time? Is it because we're girls? What if it's the Patriarchy? They couldn't keep us in the kitchen, so now they keep us spooning.
BILLIE: (unsure) I could just give you the bowl if you're hungry.
ALICIA: I'm not hungry. In fact, I think we should agree that we only do this lesbian stuff in front of other people. Otherwise, we'd…
She stops short. Billie looks at her, obliviously stuffing her face.
BILLIE: (mouth full) We'd what?
ALICIA: You know I'm straight, right? Just because I had one threesome—I'm not even sure it wasn't a Devil's Threesome, one of them was a hipster.
BILLIE: Well, you're not exactly a girly girl.
ALICIA: I'm girly!
BILLIE: What's your favorite CD?
ALICIA: Led Zeppelin IV.
BILLIE: See? It's alright. I like that about you.
Alicia is getting more and more uncomfortable. It doesn't help that Billie has just speared a slice of cucumber on her fork.
ALICIA: So, found a new guy yet so we can stop lezzing?
BILLIE: Sorta.
The cucumber slides off Billie's fork.
ALICIA: Awesome!
She starts to get up, clearly meaning to hug Billie, then plops back down sideways, like that was her plan all along.
ALICIA: (offering hand) Air five.
Billie awkwardly 'fives the air.
BILLIE: It's this guy, Tad, I met him in line at the grocery store. I was thinking we could have him over for dinner tomorrow, get to be friends…
ALICIA: Then we fake a fight and you go cry on his penis.
BILLIE: Just… when you meet him, tell me if he's a dick like Zane. I need less dicks in my life.
ALICIA: The word I used was bitch.
BILLIE: But I like bitches.
Alicia gets up.
ALICIA: I'm gonna go… do my hair.
BILLIE: You want help?
ALICIA: No, I'm using the glitter.
As Alicia leaves, we hear a crunch from Billie.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Oh my god! (Alicia winces) This cucumber is delicious!
