Remember it's a first draft
Aug. 13th, 2011 11:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficSo remember when I wrote that a much better movie than No Strings Attached or Friends With Benefits would be a composite movie where the actresses have to pretend to be lesbians, only to turn out to be lesbians? You'd better, because I'm not linking to it.
Anyway, I thought I might as well try my hand at writing it, since I can't very well write a lesbian movie worse than Bar Girls. Although now that I am writing it, picturing Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in the lead roles basically makes it Black Swan: The Rom-Com. Maybe we could replace Kunis with Megan Fox? Something to keep in mind.
Or, LotS fans, Billie could be played by Bridget Regan and Alicia by Tabrett Bethell. Then again, the second season of LotS was practically a romantic comedy anyway. Cara dressed as a princess to save Kahlan! Let's see Matthew McConaughey do that!
Without further adieu, the first thirteen pages, so... half the first act. Comments welcome.
EXT. NEW YORK – SKYLINE – MORNING
Cause every rom-com takes place in New York.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – MORNING
The kind of place people can only live in if they're in a movie or related to the Kardashians. Pleasant French music plays on the soundtrack. We cycle through tight angles on sunlight streaming in through a picture window, the light landing on an awe-inspiring painting, then a badass set of salt shakers. A phone rings melodically. A hand enters frame with the deliberate speed of a BBC series. It picks up the phone and delivers it to the face of ALICIA MORSE. She's a looker who might punch you for noticing that. If Mick Jagger were dead, she'd be accused of being his reincarnation.
ALICIA: Yo?
BILLIE: (filtered) Hey babe.
EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL – DAY
It's an airport terminal.
BILLIE PLUM is at a payphone. She's cute, but her spirit animal is a chipmunk. A traumatized chipmunk. In the background, her boyfriend (we'll meet him later) is already gesturing his impatience.
BILLIE: How's my favorite best friend?
ALICIA: (filtered) Groovy. How's your well-deserved vacation?
BILLIE: Well, it's an adventure. That's what I really wanted. We had a little culture clash, I learned some things.
ALICIA: (filtered) You're in Hawaii. It's part of America. Same culture.
Boyfriend is gesturing at his watch so emphatically it might hold the secret to world peace. Billie holds up her finger.
BILLIE: They're the newest state! They might not have it down! So the hotel took exception to Zane's energy level and apparently the terms of our reservation—people are so politically correct these days. We are coming home early.
ALICIA: (filtered) Oh, how early?
BILLIE: Tonight. This is just a little courtesy call, telling you to kick your latest conquest out of bed.
ALICIA: (filtered) We're not teenagers anymore. I am a mature, responsible adult with a full-time job. I can handle house-sitting for a week.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – MORNING
Alicia has been on Trading Spaces with a junkyard. The apartment looks like a third-world country, only with more red cups. There are more people passed out here than at the local coma ward. In fact, the only areas unscathed are the ones we focused on a minute ago.
BILLIE: (filtered) How's Minzy?
ALICIA: (freaking) Minzy? Minzy-the-cat Minzy? She's fine. Other things are fine too.
BILLIE: (filtered) Great! Thanks again for doing this. You're a great friend.
ALICIA: Yeah, I am. Love you! Have a nice flight! (hangs up) Please crash in the Hudson, please crash in the Hudson…
As she chants, she frantically dials another number.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Have you ever had a friend date someone who's a complete asshole? Just, completely wrong for her, treats her like crap, you just know he's had more crabs than Deadliest Catch? ZANE THOMERSON taught him everything he knows. He and Billie are boarding the plane.
ZANE: (disgruntled) And now look. We're late, because of you, and all the good seats are taken.
BILLIE: I don't think seating works that way. I mean, it hasn't on other airlines I've been on—
ZANE: Whatever. I'm taking the window seat.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT - MORNING
Alicia runs through the spacious apartment rousing people. Meanwhile, she's going mile-a-minute into the phone.
ALICIA: Is this a maid service or not?
PHONE VOICE: (filtered) We are contracted to service your apartment on Thursday.
ALICIA: Yes, Thursday doesn't work for me. But today would work great!
PHONE VOICE: (filtered) All our cleaning crews are occupied.
ALICIA: Look, I'm a quarter-Hispanic. That's more than Carlos Mencia! How about showing some solidarity? Because that's how the gringos got us at the Alamo. Divide and conquer.
PHONE VOICE: (filtered) I'm from Canada.
ALICIA: I was just about to compliment your English!
PHONE VOICE: (filtered) We speak English in Canada.
ALICIA: Not in Quebec!
The Canadian hangs up.
ALICIA: I thought you people were supposed to be nice!
She slams the phone back in the cradle and, fed up, looks at the glacial migration of her party guests.
ALICIA: Okay, I'm playing fucking hardball.
She grabs a fire extinguisher from the kitchen and parks herself by a pile of dirty rags. With a lighter and a gleeful look, she sets it on—
ALICIA: Fire! Fire! Everybody out!
Everyone makes a mad dash for the door—including an old guy who jumps out of the pile, his arm on fire. He and Alicia scream hysterically at each other.
OLD GUY: Why'd you set me on fire!?
ALICIA: Why are you so old! Who invited you? This party has Wii games!
She sprays him with the extinguisher foam, which doesn't stop him from flailing around wildly.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Zane is intently watching the in-flight movie, Good Luck Chuck. He laughs uproariously every time Dane Cook is on screen. Billie tries to look past him to see out the window as a breathtaking view of Hawaii passes by.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – MORNING
A bunch of firemen are crowded into the apartment. Alicia smiles disarmingly at them
ALICIA: As you can see, no fire here. But if you could all fill up one of these on your way out…
She holds out some trash bags.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Zane pulls a blanket over his lap. He winks at her. She checks to see if she has an eyelash on her cheek. He starts shaking the blanket at his crotch.
BILLIE: I need to use the bathroom.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – DAY
We hear a Hans Zimmer cue on the soundtrack as Alicia suits up. Cleaning gloves. An apron. Goggles. A fire extinguisher.
ALICIA: For Frodo.
She charges into the mess. What follows is the most fucking insane cleaning montage ever committed to film. Alicia has obviously hosted the party of the century and there's more fall-out than Chernobyl. We intercut with Billie on the plane, being in the worst relationship ever. All of it backed by a kicky, Katy Perry style pop song (though hopefully no one will be ashamed to listen to this).
-Alicia flushes the toilet.
-Alicia waters Billie's garden. She finds it full of marijuana leaves.
-Alicia flushes the toilet again.
-Using a snare, Alicia picks up a snake and puts it in a cage. It hisses at her. She hisses back.
-She pours gasoline into the toilet bowl and tosses in a lit match.
-Alicia knocks a pizza off the ceiling with a broom. Pan over to reveal there's a four-course meal stuck to the ceiling beside it.
-In a Laundromat, Alicia fills up every washing machine with dirty clothes. To pay for it, she drops a pillowcase full of quarters onto the floor.
-Alicia washes graffiti off the walls. A car honks outside. Alicia looks out the window to see a gang staring threateningly at her.
-Alicia strings up the rugs to be beaten. This is going to take forever.
-Cut to Alicia pulling up to a Little League field. A moment later, the entire team is beating rugs with their bats.
- Alicia runs outside with a baseball bat to scatter the gang members.
-Picking up trash, Alicia finds a gun and a ski mask. She puts them into the trash bag, eyes wide.
- Alicia finds a wedding dress on the floor. Confused, she holds it over herself. Doesn't fit. A naked woman pokes her head out the closet. Alicia hands the dress over.
-Alicia puts a DVD in the player and watches it for a second. Then she ejects and puts it in one of three piles: sex tapes, bum fights, and bum sex.
-Alicia comparison-shops for new curtains. She rubs two between her fingers, torn.
INT. AIRPLANE – BATHROOM – DAY
Zane comes into the bathroom with Billie. She's on the toilet. Billie tries to pull her shirt down to cover her shame.
ZANE: It's nothing I haven't seen before.
BILLIE: I'm pooping! Pooping is something you haven't seen before! What are you doing in here?
ZANE: I got your signal. Not everyone has an exhibitionist streak. That's why our website fell through.
BILLIE: What website?
ZANE: Honey, when two people are really in love, they don't need words to communicate.
He puts his hand flat on her head, then (like he's comparing heights) he moves his hand in a straight line to his crotch. Then back again. Then back back again.
BILLIE: I am pooping!
ZANE: Honey… (puppy dog eyes) We're on vacation.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – DAY
The soaring theme music plateaus as Alicia talks with a difficult contractor.
ALICIA: I need the new windows put in today.
CONTRACTOR: I told you, all the glass I have has been bought.
ALICIA: Maybe we could tell a little white lie and give me their glass, while they find out there's been an unfortunate delay.
CONTRACTOR: Do you have any idea who my other customer is?
Alicia takes off her jacket.
ALICIA: Is he a C-cup?
He's speechless. She takes off a shoulder strap.
ALICIA: You could see a nipple today, Kurt. And if you play your cards right, you could see two.
CONTRACTOR: (hopeful) And is that all?
ALICIA: Dude, it's not like I'm asking you to retile my floor.
CONTRACTOR: I want a picture.
ALICIA: Has to be tasteful.
CONTRACTOR: Does eating a Popsicle count?
ALICIA: You have to buy me the Popsicle.
EXT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – DAY
Alicia looks on as stained glass full of Christian imagery is installed in the apartment's windows. Alicia cups her breasts.
ALICIA: Well done, ladies.
A passing nun glares at her. Alicia nods back.
ALICIA: Sup?
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Zane and Billie take their seats. A stewardess is helping a passenger across the aisle. Billie calls to her.
BILLIE: Excuse me, could I get some alcohol? I'm not picky.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – DAY
With a musical flourish, Alicia puts on a fresh pot of coffee, brushes Billie's dresses for lint, and leaves a mint on the bed's pillow. On second thought, that's too much. She eats it.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – BATHROOM – DAY
Satisfied with herself, Alicia goes to pee and sees the old guy dripping wet in the bathtub.
OLD GUY: You burned me!
Alicia flicks her lighter.
ALICIA: Shoo! Shoo! Fire bad!
He runs out the fire escape.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Billie downs an airline bottle, gurgles with it, then spits it back in the bottle. She hands it back to the scandalized flight attendant.
BILLIE: Could you throw this off the plane please? There's an airlock, right? Just throw it right out.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EVENING
The montage ends. Alicia stretches out on the couch and toasts her victory with a red cup, which she then throws in the wastebasket. She rewards herself with checking her smartphone. Voicemail from someone named Alex (delete) and Billie. She presses play.
BILLIE: (filtered) Hey, Alicia, I just remembered, we didn't use the airport parking—Zane says that in the future, everyone will walk to their airplane—so could you come pick us up?
EXT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EVENING
Alicia goes to Billie's car, unlocks it, opens it, and an entire car's worth of water pours out, along with several tropical fish.
Alicia just stands there, staring.
ALICIA: What the fuck was I drinking?
EXT. AIRPORT - EVENING
It's another airport. Alicia pulls up to find Billie pulling a comically oversized suitcase and Zane holding, like, a book. As soon as Billie sees her, she drops the suitcase and runs, while Alicia gets out of the car and slides across the hood, Starsky & Hutch style, to run into her arms. They scream and hug.
FREEZEFRAME. TITLE UP.
"LEZBOS"
They break apart, Alicia holding Billie's arms.
ALICIA: Oh my god, how are you? That is such a great tan! Have you lost weight? That a new dress? It looks great. You look great. I love you so much. (to Zane) Hi Zane.
He moves in for a hug. Alicia hugs Billie again. Zane hugs them both, smelling Alicia's hair. She cringes.
ALICIA: Let me get your suitcase.
She picks up the massive suitcase and shoves it into Zane's arms. They continue toward the car.
BILLIE: I'm really sorry to spring all this on you at the last minute. I'm awful.
ALICIA: No, it's cool, no trouble here.
BILLIE: Oh! Did you get our custom postcard?
ALICIA: Yeah…
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – FLASHBACK – DAY
Alicia, in Billie's apartment pre-Godzilla attack, opens an envelope. It's a picture of Zane and Billie on the beach. He's playfully groping her. She's genuinely embarrassed. In quick cuts—
Alicia on the phone, cutting Zane out of the picture.
ALICIA: Yeah, it's totally cool if you bring a few friends over, I'm ordering three pizzas and she has a couch and a loveseat.
Cut to Alicia throwing darts at Zane's cutout. She's horrible at darts. One throw causes a cat to yowl.
ALICIA: Sorry Minzy!
Cut to Alicia turning Zane's cutout into a voodoo doll. She's surrounded by AD&D paraphernalia. She takes out a pin and puts it to his heart.
ALICIA: Wait, what am I doing?
She stabs the voodoo doll in the groin.
Cut to Alicia at her day job, having a teleconference with her laptop. She calls up the (scanned) image of Zane.
ALICIA: So the point of the ad campaign will be that anyone can have an STD, even people who absolutely look like they have STDs.
EXT. AIRPORT – EVENING
Back to scene.
ALICIA: So, has Zane felt any shooting pains recently or…?
Unlike the nervous Nellie we're used to, Billie is giggly and enthused being around Alicia. She links arms with her.
BILLIE: No, no, he drank bottled water the whole trip to keep from catching anything.
ALICIA: I thought you did that in Mexico?
ZANE: I drink bottled water wherever I go. I left the state once, drank the water, got gonorrhea.
ALICIA: Something like that happened to me once. Only I had sex with a dude.
Alicia gets the passenger door for Billie while Zane throws the suitcase in the back. They race each other to the driver's seat.
ALICIA: I get sick unless I sit in the front seat.
ZANE: So why didn't you ride shotgun?
ALICIA: Because I hate guns.
BILLIE: C'mon, Zane, it's Alicia. She's a great driver.
ALICIA: I know how to parallel-park.
With a suspicious glare at Alicia, Zane gets in the back. Have we established yet that there's no love lost between them? Next scene.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EVENING
Alicia gets the door for Billie, who looks inside in awe. The place is sparkling. Billie puts her hands over her mouth.
BILLIE: This place looks even nicer than when we left!
ALICIA: No, I just tidied up a little. You know me. Neat freak.
Zane barges past them, dropping the suitcase right by the door.
ZANE: (pointing at stained glass) What's with the windows?
Billie looks at Alicia expectantly.
ALICIA: A bird flew into them. I had to replace them. And I thought you might like a more… spiritual motif.
BILLIE: I'm Jewish.
ALICIA: I know. It's like how hunters have a trophy wall. You took that fucker out.
Billie laughs, while Zane stomps over the freshly-waxed floor, drops on the couch and, yes, puts his shoes up on the cushions before he kicks them off willy-nilly.
Alicia glares like he just said he liked the ending of Lost. Meanwhile, Billie is tugging at the heavy suitcase. As soon as Alicia notices, she helps her with it.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOEM APARTMENT – BEDROOM – EVENING
Lugging the suitcase onto the bed, they open it and start putting stuff away.
BILLIE: Thank you so much for apartment-sitting. I'd go crazy if I didn't know someone was watching my place. I heard a story of a family that went to Disneyworld and when they came back, cannibals were living in their house.
ALICIA: Oh God!
BILLIE: Yeah. They had to replace all their toothbrushes.
Alicia smiles sweetly at her, charmed.
ALICIA: Well, it'll be a relief to get back to my place. I'm getting a bit sick of using your Jacuzzi. No I'm not.
BILLIE: It's very relaxing.
ALICIA: Ever put your pussy on one of the jets? It's like having sex with the aliens from The Abyss.
BILLIE: Alicia!
ALICIA: Hey, single woman! No judging!
BILLIE: Maybe I should've let Zane offer you that threesome.
Alicia physically restrains herself from dry-heaving, though she puts her hand to her belly like she just ate three courses of Mexican food.
ALICIA: No, I'm good.
The suitcase is almost empty. Billie sorts through it for her things, but doesn't find any.
ALICIA: So, this all Zane's stuff?
BILLIE: Yeah.
Alicia picks the suitcase up and dumps it all into one drawer.
ALICIA: Mission accomplished.
Billie flops down on the bed. Alicia is so bad. She joins Billie, on her side, gazing at her friend.
ALICIA: I'm surprised you two have lasted this long. I mean, you're a nine (that was too fawning) no, an eight, (too harsh) alright, a nine… and he's number two.
Billie looks over at her, "really?"
ALICIA: I don't mean that in the poop way. I mean, just in terms of looks… and personality… career prospects… suitability as a father.
BILLIE: Zane's very good to me. He puts up with a lot of my flaws!
ALICIA: I know, I know… (can't help herself) Maybe you just shouldn't be with someone who has to put up with you.
BILLIE: You put up with me.
ALICIA: (smiling at her) There's no one I'd rather be with.
Gay panic. She sarcastically boops Billie on the nose and hurls herself up.
ALICIA: (babbling) So I'm gonna go, but we should totally do something together. Like watch a movie or go to a fight club… probably watch a movie.
BILLIE: Is the new Kate Hudson out? I love watching rom-coms with you.
ALICIA: Yeah. It's great.
She makes a hasty exit.
BILLIE: Wait, Alicia?
ALICIA: (hopeful) Yeah?
BILLIE: Why was the car so wet?
ALICIA: I had to give a ride to a swim team whose car broke down. They were shivering.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EVENING
Zane is already spread-eagled on the couch, a bag of chips in his lap and a bowl of salsa on his crotch, spilling everywhere as he watches an obnoxiously loud basketball game. Alicia watches, in SUPER SLOW-MOTION, as salsa drips from his goatee to impact on the carpet like a nuclear bomb going off.
ZANE: Hey, Alice, get me a beer, wouldja?
ALICIA: (committing eye-murder) You're not worth the comeback.
ZANE: Come back with some beer!
INT. CAR PARK – NIGHT
A depressing song plays as Alicia heads through rape country to get to her car. It's a shitty Datsun. She sighs.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Depressong continues as Alicia sits in traffic. She comes to a toll booth. The operator is reading a headline that says "U.S. IN MORE DEBT THAN EVER." She sighs.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Alicia parks under a flickering streetlight. Even as she gets out, a guy smashes out the passengerside window and reaches for the radio (there isn't one).
ALICIA: (sighing) Can you at least wait for me to lock the doors?
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – STAIRWELL – NIGHT
Alicia climbs the stairs, probably because the elevator is broken. She sprays the many, many roaches with Raid from her purse. She sighs as a rat crosses her path… and throws some cheese out of her purse to distract it.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – NIGHT
This is probably where Saddam Hussein was hiding before they found him. Alicia lies on the bed, scrolling on her laptop through Tumblr. She comes to a video of otters holding hands and sighs, this time a little hopefully. Depressing song ends. Dead silence.
Then she opens up an e-reader. The first page is a giant, cheesy romance novel cover. She scrolls down and opens her pants.
Anyway, I thought I might as well try my hand at writing it, since I can't very well write a lesbian movie worse than Bar Girls. Although now that I am writing it, picturing Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in the lead roles basically makes it Black Swan: The Rom-Com. Maybe we could replace Kunis with Megan Fox? Something to keep in mind.
Or, LotS fans, Billie could be played by Bridget Regan and Alicia by Tabrett Bethell. Then again, the second season of LotS was practically a romantic comedy anyway. Cara dressed as a princess to save Kahlan! Let's see Matthew McConaughey do that!
Without further adieu, the first thirteen pages, so... half the first act. Comments welcome.
EXT. NEW YORK – SKYLINE – MORNING
Cause every rom-com takes place in New York.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – MORNING
The kind of place people can only live in if they're in a movie or related to the Kardashians. Pleasant French music plays on the soundtrack. We cycle through tight angles on sunlight streaming in through a picture window, the light landing on an awe-inspiring painting, then a badass set of salt shakers. A phone rings melodically. A hand enters frame with the deliberate speed of a BBC series. It picks up the phone and delivers it to the face of ALICIA MORSE. She's a looker who might punch you for noticing that. If Mick Jagger were dead, she'd be accused of being his reincarnation.
ALICIA: Yo?
BILLIE: (filtered) Hey babe.
EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL – DAY
It's an airport terminal.
BILLIE PLUM is at a payphone. She's cute, but her spirit animal is a chipmunk. A traumatized chipmunk. In the background, her boyfriend (we'll meet him later) is already gesturing his impatience.
BILLIE: How's my favorite best friend?
ALICIA: (filtered) Groovy. How's your well-deserved vacation?
BILLIE: Well, it's an adventure. That's what I really wanted. We had a little culture clash, I learned some things.
ALICIA: (filtered) You're in Hawaii. It's part of America. Same culture.
Boyfriend is gesturing at his watch so emphatically it might hold the secret to world peace. Billie holds up her finger.
BILLIE: They're the newest state! They might not have it down! So the hotel took exception to Zane's energy level and apparently the terms of our reservation—people are so politically correct these days. We are coming home early.
ALICIA: (filtered) Oh, how early?
BILLIE: Tonight. This is just a little courtesy call, telling you to kick your latest conquest out of bed.
ALICIA: (filtered) We're not teenagers anymore. I am a mature, responsible adult with a full-time job. I can handle house-sitting for a week.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – MORNING
Alicia has been on Trading Spaces with a junkyard. The apartment looks like a third-world country, only with more red cups. There are more people passed out here than at the local coma ward. In fact, the only areas unscathed are the ones we focused on a minute ago.
BILLIE: (filtered) How's Minzy?
ALICIA: (freaking) Minzy? Minzy-the-cat Minzy? She's fine. Other things are fine too.
BILLIE: (filtered) Great! Thanks again for doing this. You're a great friend.
ALICIA: Yeah, I am. Love you! Have a nice flight! (hangs up) Please crash in the Hudson, please crash in the Hudson…
As she chants, she frantically dials another number.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Have you ever had a friend date someone who's a complete asshole? Just, completely wrong for her, treats her like crap, you just know he's had more crabs than Deadliest Catch? ZANE THOMERSON taught him everything he knows. He and Billie are boarding the plane.
ZANE: (disgruntled) And now look. We're late, because of you, and all the good seats are taken.
BILLIE: I don't think seating works that way. I mean, it hasn't on other airlines I've been on—
ZANE: Whatever. I'm taking the window seat.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT - MORNING
Alicia runs through the spacious apartment rousing people. Meanwhile, she's going mile-a-minute into the phone.
ALICIA: Is this a maid service or not?
PHONE VOICE: (filtered) We are contracted to service your apartment on Thursday.
ALICIA: Yes, Thursday doesn't work for me. But today would work great!
PHONE VOICE: (filtered) All our cleaning crews are occupied.
ALICIA: Look, I'm a quarter-Hispanic. That's more than Carlos Mencia! How about showing some solidarity? Because that's how the gringos got us at the Alamo. Divide and conquer.
PHONE VOICE: (filtered) I'm from Canada.
ALICIA: I was just about to compliment your English!
PHONE VOICE: (filtered) We speak English in Canada.
ALICIA: Not in Quebec!
The Canadian hangs up.
ALICIA: I thought you people were supposed to be nice!
She slams the phone back in the cradle and, fed up, looks at the glacial migration of her party guests.
ALICIA: Okay, I'm playing fucking hardball.
She grabs a fire extinguisher from the kitchen and parks herself by a pile of dirty rags. With a lighter and a gleeful look, she sets it on—
ALICIA: Fire! Fire! Everybody out!
Everyone makes a mad dash for the door—including an old guy who jumps out of the pile, his arm on fire. He and Alicia scream hysterically at each other.
OLD GUY: Why'd you set me on fire!?
ALICIA: Why are you so old! Who invited you? This party has Wii games!
She sprays him with the extinguisher foam, which doesn't stop him from flailing around wildly.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Zane is intently watching the in-flight movie, Good Luck Chuck. He laughs uproariously every time Dane Cook is on screen. Billie tries to look past him to see out the window as a breathtaking view of Hawaii passes by.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – MORNING
A bunch of firemen are crowded into the apartment. Alicia smiles disarmingly at them
ALICIA: As you can see, no fire here. But if you could all fill up one of these on your way out…
She holds out some trash bags.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Zane pulls a blanket over his lap. He winks at her. She checks to see if she has an eyelash on her cheek. He starts shaking the blanket at his crotch.
BILLIE: I need to use the bathroom.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – DAY
We hear a Hans Zimmer cue on the soundtrack as Alicia suits up. Cleaning gloves. An apron. Goggles. A fire extinguisher.
ALICIA: For Frodo.
She charges into the mess. What follows is the most fucking insane cleaning montage ever committed to film. Alicia has obviously hosted the party of the century and there's more fall-out than Chernobyl. We intercut with Billie on the plane, being in the worst relationship ever. All of it backed by a kicky, Katy Perry style pop song (though hopefully no one will be ashamed to listen to this).
-Alicia flushes the toilet.
-Alicia waters Billie's garden. She finds it full of marijuana leaves.
-Alicia flushes the toilet again.
-Using a snare, Alicia picks up a snake and puts it in a cage. It hisses at her. She hisses back.
-She pours gasoline into the toilet bowl and tosses in a lit match.
-Alicia knocks a pizza off the ceiling with a broom. Pan over to reveal there's a four-course meal stuck to the ceiling beside it.
-In a Laundromat, Alicia fills up every washing machine with dirty clothes. To pay for it, she drops a pillowcase full of quarters onto the floor.
-Alicia washes graffiti off the walls. A car honks outside. Alicia looks out the window to see a gang staring threateningly at her.
-Alicia strings up the rugs to be beaten. This is going to take forever.
-Cut to Alicia pulling up to a Little League field. A moment later, the entire team is beating rugs with their bats.
- Alicia runs outside with a baseball bat to scatter the gang members.
-Picking up trash, Alicia finds a gun and a ski mask. She puts them into the trash bag, eyes wide.
- Alicia finds a wedding dress on the floor. Confused, she holds it over herself. Doesn't fit. A naked woman pokes her head out the closet. Alicia hands the dress over.
-Alicia puts a DVD in the player and watches it for a second. Then she ejects and puts it in one of three piles: sex tapes, bum fights, and bum sex.
-Alicia comparison-shops for new curtains. She rubs two between her fingers, torn.
INT. AIRPLANE – BATHROOM – DAY
Zane comes into the bathroom with Billie. She's on the toilet. Billie tries to pull her shirt down to cover her shame.
ZANE: It's nothing I haven't seen before.
BILLIE: I'm pooping! Pooping is something you haven't seen before! What are you doing in here?
ZANE: I got your signal. Not everyone has an exhibitionist streak. That's why our website fell through.
BILLIE: What website?
ZANE: Honey, when two people are really in love, they don't need words to communicate.
He puts his hand flat on her head, then (like he's comparing heights) he moves his hand in a straight line to his crotch. Then back again. Then back back again.
BILLIE: I am pooping!
ZANE: Honey… (puppy dog eyes) We're on vacation.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – DAY
The soaring theme music plateaus as Alicia talks with a difficult contractor.
ALICIA: I need the new windows put in today.
CONTRACTOR: I told you, all the glass I have has been bought.
ALICIA: Maybe we could tell a little white lie and give me their glass, while they find out there's been an unfortunate delay.
CONTRACTOR: Do you have any idea who my other customer is?
Alicia takes off her jacket.
ALICIA: Is he a C-cup?
He's speechless. She takes off a shoulder strap.
ALICIA: You could see a nipple today, Kurt. And if you play your cards right, you could see two.
CONTRACTOR: (hopeful) And is that all?
ALICIA: Dude, it's not like I'm asking you to retile my floor.
CONTRACTOR: I want a picture.
ALICIA: Has to be tasteful.
CONTRACTOR: Does eating a Popsicle count?
ALICIA: You have to buy me the Popsicle.
EXT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – DAY
Alicia looks on as stained glass full of Christian imagery is installed in the apartment's windows. Alicia cups her breasts.
ALICIA: Well done, ladies.
A passing nun glares at her. Alicia nods back.
ALICIA: Sup?
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Zane and Billie take their seats. A stewardess is helping a passenger across the aisle. Billie calls to her.
BILLIE: Excuse me, could I get some alcohol? I'm not picky.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – DAY
With a musical flourish, Alicia puts on a fresh pot of coffee, brushes Billie's dresses for lint, and leaves a mint on the bed's pillow. On second thought, that's too much. She eats it.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – BATHROOM – DAY
Satisfied with herself, Alicia goes to pee and sees the old guy dripping wet in the bathtub.
OLD GUY: You burned me!
Alicia flicks her lighter.
ALICIA: Shoo! Shoo! Fire bad!
He runs out the fire escape.
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY
Billie downs an airline bottle, gurgles with it, then spits it back in the bottle. She hands it back to the scandalized flight attendant.
BILLIE: Could you throw this off the plane please? There's an airlock, right? Just throw it right out.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EVENING
The montage ends. Alicia stretches out on the couch and toasts her victory with a red cup, which she then throws in the wastebasket. She rewards herself with checking her smartphone. Voicemail from someone named Alex (delete) and Billie. She presses play.
BILLIE: (filtered) Hey, Alicia, I just remembered, we didn't use the airport parking—Zane says that in the future, everyone will walk to their airplane—so could you come pick us up?
EXT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EVENING
Alicia goes to Billie's car, unlocks it, opens it, and an entire car's worth of water pours out, along with several tropical fish.
Alicia just stands there, staring.
ALICIA: What the fuck was I drinking?
EXT. AIRPORT - EVENING
It's another airport. Alicia pulls up to find Billie pulling a comically oversized suitcase and Zane holding, like, a book. As soon as Billie sees her, she drops the suitcase and runs, while Alicia gets out of the car and slides across the hood, Starsky & Hutch style, to run into her arms. They scream and hug.
FREEZEFRAME. TITLE UP.
"LEZBOS"
They break apart, Alicia holding Billie's arms.
ALICIA: Oh my god, how are you? That is such a great tan! Have you lost weight? That a new dress? It looks great. You look great. I love you so much. (to Zane) Hi Zane.
He moves in for a hug. Alicia hugs Billie again. Zane hugs them both, smelling Alicia's hair. She cringes.
ALICIA: Let me get your suitcase.
She picks up the massive suitcase and shoves it into Zane's arms. They continue toward the car.
BILLIE: I'm really sorry to spring all this on you at the last minute. I'm awful.
ALICIA: No, it's cool, no trouble here.
BILLIE: Oh! Did you get our custom postcard?
ALICIA: Yeah…
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – FLASHBACK – DAY
Alicia, in Billie's apartment pre-Godzilla attack, opens an envelope. It's a picture of Zane and Billie on the beach. He's playfully groping her. She's genuinely embarrassed. In quick cuts—
Alicia on the phone, cutting Zane out of the picture.
ALICIA: Yeah, it's totally cool if you bring a few friends over, I'm ordering three pizzas and she has a couch and a loveseat.
Cut to Alicia throwing darts at Zane's cutout. She's horrible at darts. One throw causes a cat to yowl.
ALICIA: Sorry Minzy!
Cut to Alicia turning Zane's cutout into a voodoo doll. She's surrounded by AD&D paraphernalia. She takes out a pin and puts it to his heart.
ALICIA: Wait, what am I doing?
She stabs the voodoo doll in the groin.
Cut to Alicia at her day job, having a teleconference with her laptop. She calls up the (scanned) image of Zane.
ALICIA: So the point of the ad campaign will be that anyone can have an STD, even people who absolutely look like they have STDs.
EXT. AIRPORT – EVENING
Back to scene.
ALICIA: So, has Zane felt any shooting pains recently or…?
Unlike the nervous Nellie we're used to, Billie is giggly and enthused being around Alicia. She links arms with her.
BILLIE: No, no, he drank bottled water the whole trip to keep from catching anything.
ALICIA: I thought you did that in Mexico?
ZANE: I drink bottled water wherever I go. I left the state once, drank the water, got gonorrhea.
ALICIA: Something like that happened to me once. Only I had sex with a dude.
Alicia gets the passenger door for Billie while Zane throws the suitcase in the back. They race each other to the driver's seat.
ALICIA: I get sick unless I sit in the front seat.
ZANE: So why didn't you ride shotgun?
ALICIA: Because I hate guns.
BILLIE: C'mon, Zane, it's Alicia. She's a great driver.
ALICIA: I know how to parallel-park.
With a suspicious glare at Alicia, Zane gets in the back. Have we established yet that there's no love lost between them? Next scene.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EVENING
Alicia gets the door for Billie, who looks inside in awe. The place is sparkling. Billie puts her hands over her mouth.
BILLIE: This place looks even nicer than when we left!
ALICIA: No, I just tidied up a little. You know me. Neat freak.
Zane barges past them, dropping the suitcase right by the door.
ZANE: (pointing at stained glass) What's with the windows?
Billie looks at Alicia expectantly.
ALICIA: A bird flew into them. I had to replace them. And I thought you might like a more… spiritual motif.
BILLIE: I'm Jewish.
ALICIA: I know. It's like how hunters have a trophy wall. You took that fucker out.
Billie laughs, while Zane stomps over the freshly-waxed floor, drops on the couch and, yes, puts his shoes up on the cushions before he kicks them off willy-nilly.
Alicia glares like he just said he liked the ending of Lost. Meanwhile, Billie is tugging at the heavy suitcase. As soon as Alicia notices, she helps her with it.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOEM APARTMENT – BEDROOM – EVENING
Lugging the suitcase onto the bed, they open it and start putting stuff away.
BILLIE: Thank you so much for apartment-sitting. I'd go crazy if I didn't know someone was watching my place. I heard a story of a family that went to Disneyworld and when they came back, cannibals were living in their house.
ALICIA: Oh God!
BILLIE: Yeah. They had to replace all their toothbrushes.
Alicia smiles sweetly at her, charmed.
ALICIA: Well, it'll be a relief to get back to my place. I'm getting a bit sick of using your Jacuzzi. No I'm not.
BILLIE: It's very relaxing.
ALICIA: Ever put your pussy on one of the jets? It's like having sex with the aliens from The Abyss.
BILLIE: Alicia!
ALICIA: Hey, single woman! No judging!
BILLIE: Maybe I should've let Zane offer you that threesome.
Alicia physically restrains herself from dry-heaving, though she puts her hand to her belly like she just ate three courses of Mexican food.
ALICIA: No, I'm good.
The suitcase is almost empty. Billie sorts through it for her things, but doesn't find any.
ALICIA: So, this all Zane's stuff?
BILLIE: Yeah.
Alicia picks the suitcase up and dumps it all into one drawer.
ALICIA: Mission accomplished.
Billie flops down on the bed. Alicia is so bad. She joins Billie, on her side, gazing at her friend.
ALICIA: I'm surprised you two have lasted this long. I mean, you're a nine (that was too fawning) no, an eight, (too harsh) alright, a nine… and he's number two.
Billie looks over at her, "really?"
ALICIA: I don't mean that in the poop way. I mean, just in terms of looks… and personality… career prospects… suitability as a father.
BILLIE: Zane's very good to me. He puts up with a lot of my flaws!
ALICIA: I know, I know… (can't help herself) Maybe you just shouldn't be with someone who has to put up with you.
BILLIE: You put up with me.
ALICIA: (smiling at her) There's no one I'd rather be with.
Gay panic. She sarcastically boops Billie on the nose and hurls herself up.
ALICIA: (babbling) So I'm gonna go, but we should totally do something together. Like watch a movie or go to a fight club… probably watch a movie.
BILLIE: Is the new Kate Hudson out? I love watching rom-coms with you.
ALICIA: Yeah. It's great.
She makes a hasty exit.
BILLIE: Wait, Alicia?
ALICIA: (hopeful) Yeah?
BILLIE: Why was the car so wet?
ALICIA: I had to give a ride to a swim team whose car broke down. They were shivering.
INT. BILLIE'S AWESOME APARTMENT – EVENING
Zane is already spread-eagled on the couch, a bag of chips in his lap and a bowl of salsa on his crotch, spilling everywhere as he watches an obnoxiously loud basketball game. Alicia watches, in SUPER SLOW-MOTION, as salsa drips from his goatee to impact on the carpet like a nuclear bomb going off.
ZANE: Hey, Alice, get me a beer, wouldja?
ALICIA: (committing eye-murder) You're not worth the comeback.
ZANE: Come back with some beer!
INT. CAR PARK – NIGHT
A depressing song plays as Alicia heads through rape country to get to her car. It's a shitty Datsun. She sighs.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Depressong continues as Alicia sits in traffic. She comes to a toll booth. The operator is reading a headline that says "U.S. IN MORE DEBT THAN EVER." She sighs.
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Alicia parks under a flickering streetlight. Even as she gets out, a guy smashes out the passengerside window and reaches for the radio (there isn't one).
ALICIA: (sighing) Can you at least wait for me to lock the doors?
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – STAIRWELL – NIGHT
Alicia climbs the stairs, probably because the elevator is broken. She sprays the many, many roaches with Raid from her purse. She sighs as a rat crosses her path… and throws some cheese out of her purse to distract it.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – NIGHT
This is probably where Saddam Hussein was hiding before they found him. Alicia lies on the bed, scrolling on her laptop through Tumblr. She comes to a video of otters holding hands and sighs, this time a little hopefully. Depressing song ends. Dead silence.
Then she opens up an e-reader. The first page is a giant, cheesy romance novel cover. She scrolls down and opens her pants.
