Transformers 3
Jun. 30th, 2011 05:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficSo no, it's not as bad as Transformers 2. In fact, it probably has the best action of the three, as someone sat down and explained to Michael Bay that lots of shaking cameras and quick cuts didn't translate well to 3D, so some of the action is actually shot so you're not giving a robot a colonoscopy. But it's still pretty awful. Let's take this by the numbers.
1. It is, of course, a great idea to introduce your new female lead (after the previous one quit because she felt Michael Bay was sexualizing her too crudely. And when Megan Fox says you're being too crude about sexualizing her...) with a lingering close-up of her panty-clad ass as she wanders through the set of a Guns & Roses music video. I'm pretty sure that one shot is longer than any shot in Transformers 2.
2. Sam is a raging dickbag in this movie. Like, Andy Dick on cocaine levels of asshole. I've never liked him, but I've gotten how he's at least meant to be likable. Here, he constantly complains about how no one appreciates him (his involvement in the first two movies has been classified, even though it was a big plot point in the second that the Decepticons asked for him on worldwide TV by name) and he can't get a job. He yells at his parents and his sweet girlfriend in every scene, at one point telling her not to smile at other men (yeah, not much of a mystery why Megan Fox dumped him between movies).
About the first hour is dedicated to his Mars-sized entitlement complex and people bringing up logical reasons for him to pay his dues and be gracious for living rent-free with a Victoria's Secret supermodel. And for some reason, when told he can't work with the Autobots because everyone working with them is in the military, he never thinks to join the military instead of going to work for John Malkovich. Then he gets a complete pass on character development when everyone realizes how great he is for stumbling onto a Decepticon attack. They even do the thing where he acts like a complete tool to his girlfriend's nice, supportive boss, and the boss then turns out to be evil, so Shia was totally justified in acting like a jealous, possessive douchemunch, right?
3. Sam even has to get a shitty car, since Bumblebee is off apparently going vigilante on a global level with Optimus, shutting down nuclear weapons in the Middle East. That sound interesting? It goes on for about two minutes before everyone forgets about it. Note that in Transformers 2, when the Autobots were going around hunting giant Decepticons, Bumblebee could afford to just hang out with Sam, but now he has to go out and deal with the awesome firepower of your average Middle Eastern terrorist. Yeah...
4. By the way, wasn't a big plot point in the second movie how pissed the government was because the Autobots wouldn't help them out? Wait, no, I guess the big deal was about giving the humans Autobot technology, so at least they don't... wait, then the Einstein Autobot gives the humans technology "that's great for kicking ass." I'd love to hear Optimus's stance on that. "We cannot allow our advanced technology to escalate Earth's conflicts... ah, fuck it, I'm bored, let's add GIANT KILLER ROBOTS to the Middle East, that'll help!"
5. The Twins are gone, but for some reason the sidekicks continue to multiply between movies. Just like there were the humping dogs in Revenge of the Fallen, now Wheelie (?) is back with another tiny robot with troll hair. They serve no plot function.
6. There's a really cringe-worthy Star Trek reference by the Leonard Nimoy character. It's just awful.
7. I'm still trying to find out the timeline between "Sam and Mikaela are super-duper in love" at the end of Transformers 2 to "Sam is getting a medal for Transformers 2 and hitting on a chick who must be smart because she's in glasses and has a British accent."
8. Megatron is the least genre-savvy villain of all time.
9. Michael Bay seriously has ADD, because there's not one supposedly dramatic scene that doesn't play out in the most spazzy, cringe-worthy, unfunny way possible. It's like this is the Mad TV version of a real Transformers movie. In one scene, Sam is forced to betray the Autobots and fitted with a Decepticon watch to make sure he goes through with it. Drama, right? But instead, the watch forces him to spaz out in a completely suspicious manner, flipping over tables and jerking around like he's in a fight with invisible Three Stooges. Komedy!
10. The big plot element here is that the Decepticons have human collaborators, because no less than three ancient all-powerful McGuffins have happened to end up on Earth (the All-Spark, the Matrix of Leadership, and now the Ark. Oh wait, that landed on the Moon. Toooootally different) and so Megatron needs humans to... no clue. So the first act is motivated by Megatron wiping out his collaborators, and then in the next two acts, he has more collaborators to serve as human villains (sigh). Clearly, this shows Megatron's madness, as no sane individual would kill off Ken Jeong and let Patrick Dempsey live.
11. The last hour of the movie is spent on various redundant military squads entering Chicago and meeting up. One drives in. The other drops in on wingsuits. A team of SEALs scuba-dives in. Then they just run into another set of Army guys who were apparently on coffee break. Horrible, horrible writing.
12. Optimus is kind of a fascist in this. It's like he keeps talking about how freedom is the right of all sentient beings, then he'll let the Decepticons wipe out a city to prove a point or execute a helpless prisoner (after a long sequence where the Decepticons execute prisoners to show how ee-vil they are).
1. It is, of course, a great idea to introduce your new female lead (after the previous one quit because she felt Michael Bay was sexualizing her too crudely. And when Megan Fox says you're being too crude about sexualizing her...) with a lingering close-up of her panty-clad ass as she wanders through the set of a Guns & Roses music video. I'm pretty sure that one shot is longer than any shot in Transformers 2.
2. Sam is a raging dickbag in this movie. Like, Andy Dick on cocaine levels of asshole. I've never liked him, but I've gotten how he's at least meant to be likable. Here, he constantly complains about how no one appreciates him (his involvement in the first two movies has been classified, even though it was a big plot point in the second that the Decepticons asked for him on worldwide TV by name) and he can't get a job. He yells at his parents and his sweet girlfriend in every scene, at one point telling her not to smile at other men (yeah, not much of a mystery why Megan Fox dumped him between movies).
About the first hour is dedicated to his Mars-sized entitlement complex and people bringing up logical reasons for him to pay his dues and be gracious for living rent-free with a Victoria's Secret supermodel. And for some reason, when told he can't work with the Autobots because everyone working with them is in the military, he never thinks to join the military instead of going to work for John Malkovich. Then he gets a complete pass on character development when everyone realizes how great he is for stumbling onto a Decepticon attack. They even do the thing where he acts like a complete tool to his girlfriend's nice, supportive boss, and the boss then turns out to be evil, so Shia was totally justified in acting like a jealous, possessive douchemunch, right?
3. Sam even has to get a shitty car, since Bumblebee is off apparently going vigilante on a global level with Optimus, shutting down nuclear weapons in the Middle East. That sound interesting? It goes on for about two minutes before everyone forgets about it. Note that in Transformers 2, when the Autobots were going around hunting giant Decepticons, Bumblebee could afford to just hang out with Sam, but now he has to go out and deal with the awesome firepower of your average Middle Eastern terrorist. Yeah...
4. By the way, wasn't a big plot point in the second movie how pissed the government was because the Autobots wouldn't help them out? Wait, no, I guess the big deal was about giving the humans Autobot technology, so at least they don't... wait, then the Einstein Autobot gives the humans technology "that's great for kicking ass." I'd love to hear Optimus's stance on that. "We cannot allow our advanced technology to escalate Earth's conflicts... ah, fuck it, I'm bored, let's add GIANT KILLER ROBOTS to the Middle East, that'll help!"
5. The Twins are gone, but for some reason the sidekicks continue to multiply between movies. Just like there were the humping dogs in Revenge of the Fallen, now Wheelie (?) is back with another tiny robot with troll hair. They serve no plot function.
6. There's a really cringe-worthy Star Trek reference by the Leonard Nimoy character. It's just awful.
7. I'm still trying to find out the timeline between "Sam and Mikaela are super-duper in love" at the end of Transformers 2 to "Sam is getting a medal for Transformers 2 and hitting on a chick who must be smart because she's in glasses and has a British accent."
8. Megatron is the least genre-savvy villain of all time.
9. Michael Bay seriously has ADD, because there's not one supposedly dramatic scene that doesn't play out in the most spazzy, cringe-worthy, unfunny way possible. It's like this is the Mad TV version of a real Transformers movie. In one scene, Sam is forced to betray the Autobots and fitted with a Decepticon watch to make sure he goes through with it. Drama, right? But instead, the watch forces him to spaz out in a completely suspicious manner, flipping over tables and jerking around like he's in a fight with invisible Three Stooges. Komedy!
10. The big plot element here is that the Decepticons have human collaborators, because no less than three ancient all-powerful McGuffins have happened to end up on Earth (the All-Spark, the Matrix of Leadership, and now the Ark. Oh wait, that landed on the Moon. Toooootally different) and so Megatron needs humans to... no clue. So the first act is motivated by Megatron wiping out his collaborators, and then in the next two acts, he has more collaborators to serve as human villains (sigh). Clearly, this shows Megatron's madness, as no sane individual would kill off Ken Jeong and let Patrick Dempsey live.
11. The last hour of the movie is spent on various redundant military squads entering Chicago and meeting up. One drives in. The other drops in on wingsuits. A team of SEALs scuba-dives in. Then they just run into another set of Army guys who were apparently on coffee break. Horrible, horrible writing.
12. Optimus is kind of a fascist in this. It's like he keeps talking about how freedom is the right of all sentient beings, then he'll let the Decepticons wipe out a city to prove a point or execute a helpless prisoner (after a long sequence where the Decepticons execute prisoners to show how ee-vil they are).
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Date: 2011-07-01 12:09 am (UTC)And now, you're telling me that this isn't even the WORST part of this film?