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seriousficI'm going to hell for this one. Well, that, and all the manslaughter.
Title: I become you, you become me
Fandom: Nikita
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,963
Spoilers: For 1x11 - All the Way.
Characters/Pairings: Alex/Nikita, Alex/Amanda, references to Nikita/Amanda
Summary: Amanda has a taste for new recruits, so young, so innocent. And Alex can't risk her cover. It's just one more sacrifice Nikita can't ask her to make. One more sacrifice Alex will make anyway.
One month before insertion
Alex's body hurt all the time now. Especially the hamstrings. She'd gone through a morning run favoring her left leg and it'd convinced Nikita that her leg muscles weren't up to snuff. Now Nikita was doubling down on them, filling each spare moment with kicking exercises and some kind of tai chi that seemed like it did nothing except hurt like hell.
Alex didn't resent Nikita for it. It was natural for Nikita to be overprotective in her training, since she was about to send Alex into the lion's den with no back-up. So at night, she clung to Nikita, trying to feel out each perfectly proportioned muscle under that deceitful softness, wondering if this would be how her body would feel in time. Or if there would be scars.
One night, Nikita couldn't sleep. And it wasn't just the nightmares, she had pills for that. It was unhealthy, but they worked. It was that she was lying awake and even though they never in the mood anymore, not with Division so close, they'd made love and even then Nikita still just laid awake, staring up at the ceiling, while Alex laid astride her, trying to rub sleep into her arms, her face, the pit of her stomach. Nikita was a statue.
"What is it?" she asked finally.
Nikita twitched and Alex obligingly rolled off her, to lie on her side and listen for instructions like they weren't so much more than partners now. "I haven't trained you for everything."
"What's left? My hernias have hernias."
"Not something like that. Division…" Nikita sat up and twisted so her legs were hanging off the bed, facing the window like she was assuring herself that the night sky was still out there, that she didn't have a hundred tons of rock and concrete surrounding her on all sides. "Division's power, and Percy's management, attract a certain type of personality. Dangerous. Ruthless. Psychologically unstable."
"Yeah, they're evil nutcases. That's why we're doing this, right?"
Nikita looked over her shoulder at Alex. She looked tragic, not beautiful, drained of confidence. "You're going to have to deal with them. Work with them. Talk to them. Form relationships with them."
"Are you worried I'm going to cheat on you?" An unbelieving laugh shook out of Alex's throat. "They're training me to be a government kill-bot. I think dating won't be high on my list of priorities."
Nikita looked back out the window. At the city. "I'm worried that you have to cheat on me. There's a woman. Her name is Amanda."
"You told me about her," Alex said, pulling the sheets tight over her body. She suddenly felt like there were eyes on her, like she had back when Nikita had first told her about Division's power.
"I didn't tell you everything. When she was training me… when I was alone… she made advances."
"She raped you?"
"No." Nikita stood up and turned around, staring at Alex, her naked body bluntly exposed by the light from outside. "She didn't."
"Oh."
"She has a thing for orphans. Young girls, beautiful and alone, confused sexually, craving… authority. With the cover I've given you… she'll want you. And it will guarantee your cover."
"Are you telling me… did you plan…"
Nikita put her hands on her hips, defensive, her armor up. "She isn't like the rest of them, arrogant and convinced of their own invincibility. She's smart and savvy and if she sees through you, she will put you down… You don't say no to her. If you do, she wonders why. We can't have her wondering that." And then, seeing how horrified Alex was, Nikita stopped being Nikita. She bowed her head with shame and sat down on the bed and took Alex's hand. "I'm telling you because… there's still time to change your cover. We can come up with excuses why you wouldn't be interested."
"But they wouldn't be as effective. Wouldn't make her trust me."
"No."
Alex looked away.
"Don't do it. Not if you have any doubt, not if you're looking for something to prove. She'll get into your head. She'll make you enjoy it."
Alex looked down at the callused hand holding hers. The scarred knuckles. The short fingernails, because long ones could get in the way when you were pulling a trigger or hacking a computer. "You know what I've been through."
"Which is why I can't ask you to do anything like that ever again."
"I watched my parents burn in front of me," Alex corrected her. "If it stops anyone else from going through that, then she can do whatever she wants to me."
Nikita didn't have a glimmer of approval in her eyes, not even the kind she hated herself for, the kind she'd had when Alex had come up with this idea. Now there was only sadness. "She will."
***
Insertion
***
Weeks passed and Alex forgot which was worse – putting up with the training, the pressure, Jaden, or being apart from Nikita. It'd be so much easier to deal with spying on the spies if she could see Nikita's face, or hear her voice, or as long as she was asking, feel her body once more, if only to know Nikita hadn't picked up any new scars.
Alex kept an eye out for Amanda, too, but she did nothing. For all intents and purposes, she was exactly what she seemed – a psychologist entirely focused on the mental health of her charges. Alex would've thought that torturing someone, breaking someone would change you. But maybe people like Amanda had been like that all along.
***
Alex felt another dress move across her skin, caressing her in a way the itchy gym clothes Division issued couldn't hope to match. It was a poor substitute for Nikita… but still, a damn sight better than the pajamas.
"You look nice," Amanda said, and Alex nearly threw a punch. She hadn't heard her come in to the dressing room.
"Thanks."
"Not that looking bad is part of your routine." Amanda smiled, in that way she had of reducing everything she saw to the amusement value of a cute cat video on the internet. "But the dress suits you. I think you'll enjoy being a field agent."
"I don't like it," Alex said suddenly. "Yellow isn't my color."
"You don't have a color," Amanda informed her curtly. "But by all means, try on another."
Alex swallowed fear. Amanda hadn't made a move on her yet, and she was beginning to wonder if Nikita was wrong. Maybe that was just a thing between the two of them. Maybe Percy had had a talk with Amanda and she didn't do that kind of thing anymore. Maybe Alex needed to make the first move.
"Would you help me?" Alex asked, babying her voice a little. Division types liked it so much when she sounded eager for guidance.
"Of course, Alex. I know how hard it can be to see yourself in this new light." Amanda brushed past Alex on her way to the wardrobe. "My new light."
What the hell did that mean?
"What do you mean by that?" Alex asked.
"I'm just acknowledging my influence on you." Amanda sifted through the wardrobe, glossy colors flashing into view with each dress she pushed aside. "Oh, Michael and his bully boys are good for teaching you the mechanics, how to load the gun, how to rack the gun, all the basics. But those are only useful if you can pull the trigger. And although I would never denigrate my fellow trainers, I have to take credit for that." She found one she liked, a red gown that she fitted to Alex's body like a shadow. Alex looked down at the crimson covering her front as Amanda's eyes took in how it fit, and how Alex's curves were evident even through the silken material. "I've molded you, Alex. It's natural for you to feel a connection for us. Just as natural as it is for me."
***
Before insertion
"Alex, do you remember our first night together?"
There'd been two. Appropriate for people who lived double lives. There'd been the month they'd spent on edge, frustrated after Division outmaneuvered them again, communicating in bites of language, barely seeing each other except for training. They were trying not to take the fight out on each other, but it was what both of them wanted. To hit and be hit, because Division was a shadow. And somewhere among the blood and sweat, Alex had kissed Nikita instead of breaking a bone. And Nikita had responded like it'd been her idea all along.
The exercises that followed were much more strenuous than the ones they'd been doing.
And afterward, lying on the gym mat like it was a wedding bed, Nikita had curled in on herself in recrimination. It wasn't that Daniel wasn't long enough gone, but that he never would be. That and a thousand other neuroses piled between the two of them had nearly derailed the whole mission, tempted Nikita to just pick up and leave Alex to whatever life she could build, and if it weren't for the certainty that Alex would find her, she might've done just that.
They'd gotten another shot at Division and this time they were lucky. They managed to land a hit. Flush with success, the drive home was a celebration on wheels, the radio pouring out Lady Gaga, Alex dancing in place and Nikita drumming her hands on the wheel. When the radio played a soft song, Alex rested her head on Nikita's shoulder. When it went back to pop-punk, she turned the radio off. And over the home stretch, Alex told Nikita how she felt. How Nikita made her feel. Nikita could do nothing but listen, her hands white-knuckled on the wheel.
They hadn't made it home. Nikita pulled into an alley, then pulled Alex into the backseat. It wasn't lust. It was just that being able to kiss and touch and say each others' name without a reason was such a relief, like a fever breaking. In Nikita's arms, Alex had been finally able to think.
Now, what seemed like a lifetime later, Alex nodded.
"It'll have to be like that with Amanda."
***
"I do feel a connection to you, but it's…" Alex puffed up her cheeks. Blew the air out. "Inappropriate."
"That's the sort of talk that will be detrimental to your progress here." Amanda circled, each orbit seeming to draw her closer. Alex could feel the air of her passage. "We're society's protectors, Alex. We can't protect society from within, constrained by its morals and politeness. We have to be outside the system. We have to transgress, if we wish to survive. Would it make you uncomfortable if I watched you change?" she concluded, firmly pushing the dress into Amanda's arms.
"Some. But you can if you want," Alex said, filling her voice with uncertainty. Acting was easy when it was half-real.
Alex went to the dressing chamber, but didn't pull the screen closed. She hung the dress up and it billowed in the stream from an air vent, mocking her as she pulled at herself until the dress she was wearing fell away. She tried to pretend Amanda wasn't there. She had a feeling that would make Amanda want her more.
"I think I see a problem."
"Yeah."
"Your underthings. They're… functional. But the woman you're pretending to be wouldn't want to function. She'd want to flourish." Amanda opened up her handbag and pulled out a small box. Inside were a demi-cup bra and a pair of silk panties, both black. Alex didn't have to try them on to know they'd fit. "Do you want to flourish, Alex?"
Alex took her bra off.
***
"The hardest part is the approach," Nikita lectured. Despite the subject, they were both fully dressed. Nikita thought it would be easier to train Alex for this if they pretended it was just another mission. "Your first thought will be revulsion, but you can't let any of it show. Later, you'll be able to just… give in… but at first, you'll have to be shy, demurring, but not too nervous. You have to want it. You have to let her make you want it."
Maybe I could shoot up, Alex thought. Then it'd be just like old times.
***
Alex didn't feel repulsed now. She felt heat gathering in her belly as Amanda started to touch her, not erotically but matronly, adjusting the lingerie like they were preparing for a photo shoot and not an assassination.
"Powerful men have decadent tastes," Amanda said, hands flattening the bra straps to Alex's shoulders. "They don't want whores, but they don't want to work for sex either. They want… groupies."
"This mission doesn’t call for seduction," Alex said half-heartedly.
"It calls for you to be a field agent. It calls for you to know how to use every weapon available. Your body is a weapon. Sex is a weapon."
It wasn't with Nikita.
"Powerful women have a clear sexuality," Amanda said, now in Alex's ear. "They don't give it away, but they don't treat it like some precious treasure. It's a tool that no one else in the world can handle. You're powerful, Alex. I'm making you powerful."
She turned Alex so she was facing the mirror. Alex saw a stranger.
No more. She turned and kissed Amanda like she was Nikita, feeling a satisfaction like she'd just punched Amanda in her smug, conniving face. Just for once, Amanda wasn't the bitch goddess of Division. Just once, Alex had taken her by surprise.
Then she felt Amanda pushing her away and knew she hadn't.
***
"How'd she do it with you? The… the seduction."
Nikita looked abashed, compensated for it. She smiled in that weary way she had. "She made me enjoy it. The looks, the touches, the whispers. I'd never known love like that before. It wasn't until I met Daniel that I realized that wasn't love at all."
Impulsively, she stepped forward and kissed Alex's forehead.
"Thanks for reminding me."
***
Amanda held Alex apart from her, rubbing one hand up and down Alex's arm. Alex felt that warmth moving around in her belly. She wanted this to be over with, and that anxiety was making her hotter than ever.
"I know it's very difficult, being cut off from your friends, your family, your lovers. It's natural to feel unloved, but you're not alone. You have me. You're part of my family now. If you're comfortable with it, I'd like if you were to call me mother."
Amanda wasn't rejecting her. She was laying down the ground rules. Alex felt a sense of relief. Amanda wasn't pretending this was anything other than a sick fantasy. That, she could do.
"Mother, may I sleep with danger?" Alex asked coquettishly.
Amanda stepped forward, now wrapping Alex in a hug, rubbing her back. "You're so clever, Alex. I really appreciate your positive attitude." Her soft hands traipsed over the back of Alex's bra. Nikita's were callused. "Would you like it if we were naked together?"
"Yes, mother."
***
"The way you respond to me," Nikita said, stripping Alex bare, kissing her wildly, the lesson nearly forgotten but looming over them too large to be lost. "The way you want me. You have to learn to fake it."
***
Amanda didn't let Alex undress her like Nikita had. She stood apart from her and took off each article of clothing in her own time, laying them neatly on the table like she was assembling a puzzle. She left her stockings on, and her earrings. And all the while, Alex stood there in her bra and panties, restraining the urge to shiver. The look in Amanda's eyes said she enjoyed it.
"You're still clothed," Amanda said, stepping close once again. She was like a pendulum, closer then further away, closer then further.
"I thought… you might want to…"
"To rip the clothes from your body?" Amanda asked, amused. Though she had a desk job, she kept herself in impeccable shape. Even without a bra, her breasts didn't dare to sag, and her pubic hair was neatly trimmed… not shaved bare like a porn star, but managed. It was like she couldn't allow even her own physique to be out of control. "Alex, not all sex is like that. Sometimes it's about passion, yes… but sometimes it's about restraint. Do you understand?" She left the opening right there.
"Yes mother."
Amanda nodded, pleased. With herself and with Alex. "Would you like me to take them off for you?"
"Would you, mommy?"
Amanda moved closer. Her hands were cool and sure.
***
Nikita wanted to abandon the lesson, she truly did, just let go and return to Alex, to her eager hands and that mouth that could never taste her enough. But if she did that, her teaching would get further and further away, and there wasn't time for that. She held Alex tight and enjoyed the fingers stroking her, but let the words spill out of her. What the deadly little voice in her head would say back when she was Amanda's.
"Not so confident. Not so certain. You have to be nervous. She has to be in control."
***
"My brave little girl." Amanda ushered Alex to her knees. "I know how hard it is for you to embrace your sexuality. To touch yourself. To be touched. I am so proud of you for allowing me to help you…"
"Mommy, let me help you." Alex looked up at Amanda with big, beaming eyes, her hands stroking Amanda's thighs like a pet begging to be let in the backdoor. "You've been so good to me. May I try to please you?"
"Oh, yes, darling. My darling girl." Amanda put her hands on Alex's head and showed her just where to put her tongue.
At first, Alex thought she was wrong. Amanda didn't have any of Nikita's pleasure points, didn't respond in any way except her fingers tightening in Alex's hair. She went harder, desperate to please, tonguing Amanda's clit like a piece of hard candy. Amanda didn't make a sound, but her body shuddered. Alex looked up. Her eyes were tightly closed, her nostrils flaring. Alex kissed her pussy.
"Am I doing alright, mommy? Will you come if I keep doing this?"
"Oh yes." Amanda rubbed her fingers in Alex's hair, petting her like a dog that'd done a trick. "Yes, baby girl, you're going to make me come."
Alex smiled to herself and went twice as hard on Amanda, clutching her fingers in the high, compact ass; losing her tongue in the wet, wet cunt.
Nikita had taught her well.
Amanda wrenched Alex's head back. Now Alex could see that her pussy was inflamed, a vibrant red color, slick and even more tantalizing now that she'd had a taste. But Amanda wouldn't want that, wouldn't want to lose control. She moved a hand fondly over Alex's face, tilting her chin up so they were looking in each others' eyes.
"Play with mommy's tits," Amanda said sweetly, fawningly.
Alex reached up, trying to remember Nikita's lessons. Don't be too eager, but don't be scared. She rested her hands on Amanda's breasts. Nikita's were small, well-suited to her body, but Amanda's were big enough to toy with, to sink her fingers into and roll around, to squeeze as she stuck her tongue deep inside Amanda.
Amanda hummed in approval, her hips twitching as if she wanted to shove herself against Alex, fuck herself to orgasm on her. But she couldn't, and that was Alex's strength. She could lose control. She could hand herself over to Nikita, the woman she loved, and it would only end in pleasure. She had trust.
Slowly, she rose, nuzzling her face up Amanda's body, cupping each other Amanda's breasts and offering them up for her lips to kiss… and nibble at… and suck on…
Amanda rubbed her thighs together, losing herself, hating it, lashing out. When Alex tried to kiss her, she shoved her back. "Naughty girl. I didn't tell you to do that."
"I wanted to suck on mommy's tits," Alex said, getting closer. She encircled Amanda's waist with her hands, half-embracing her. Like she would with Nikita. "I wanted to see if you had any milk for me."
Amanda's lips parted, startled with how well Alex had taken to the role-playing. More than just her young body, her sexual gymnastics, Alex had completely submitted to the scenario Amanda had imposed on her. It wasn't just arousing. It was orgasmic.
"I am the adult here," Amanda said firmly, keeping a tight lid on the heat flooding her. "You will listen to me. You will follow my instructions to the letter."
Alex looked down, abashed. "I'm sorry, mommy. I didn't mean to upset you."
"Don't be sorry. Be smart…" Amanda bit her lip. She could end the exercise now, punish Alex that way, withhold approval. But would Alex ever be this… pliable again? And could she find someone else to satisfy what Alex had awoken? "Lie down on the table."
Alex got up on the table, on all fours, her ass in the air. Next to her, Amanda's clothes laid like pieces of evidence. "Like this, mommy? So you can spank me? I have to learn…"
"No. On your back. Like a whore." Amanda's face twisted at her own slip, but she recovered quickly.
She walked around the table a few times, examining Alex from every angle and calming down. Rivulets of moisture ran down her inner thighs, but she pretended not to notice.
Amanda cupped Alex's face with both hands; a loving, maternal gesture. "You're such a sweet daughter. So eager to please." Her hands traveled down Alex's body, tweaking her just so, moving her arms over her head, parting her legs, avoiding the erogenous zones. As if denying Alex satisfaction for a few more moments, she was in control.
She could feel it slipping away. It felt good. So intoxicatingly, wrongly good..
Amanda laid down on top of Alex, putting her hand on Alex's hip, moving it to her cunt. "I'm going to fuck you like the whore you used to be."
Alex almost clenched her teeth. Almost narrowed her eyes or gave herself away in a hundred other ways. But she didn't. As far as she was concerned, Amanda had broken her, or close enough, bent her to the ground like a hurricane with a palm tree. Later, she'd fuck her back. Show her that she'd already been molded by the best, by someone who wanted a better life for her and not just a pretty doll she could get off with. But for now, she would enjoy it as best she could.
"Please, yes… I'm so lucky to have a mother like you, so patient and understanding with me when I'm so bad…"
Amanda sunk her teeth into Alex's neck and rammed her fingers into her cunt, growling, furious and hungry like she was a field agent again. Was this what she'd wanted, all the times she'd played this game? Someone who would play along? Even Nikita hadn't, too proud not to fuck on her own terms. It'd been enjoyable in its own way, but Alex's submission, her complete and willful obedience… Amanda was sure she could come from it alone.
She gave Alex another finger as she fucked Alex's thigh, riding the muscles she'd helped put there. Alex quivered and shook, like the force of Amanda's thrusts were being amplified inside her body, and threw her arms around Amanda. She wasn't hanging on. She was just hugging her, her cheek pressed against Amanda's chest, eyes closed like a little girl…
"Mom, is it okay if I come?"
Amanda felt herself throb. "Yes, sweetie, it's okay… it's okay… it's oh—come for mommy."
Alex's orgasm took control of her, control of them both. Alex bucked and Amanda gasped
hand clamped down on Alex's cunt
face slack with lust so she buried it in Alex's hair
smelling sweat and old adrenaline as she came
Alex against her clit it was better than any vibrator
she was coming and it was like she was a virgin again, because there'd never been anything like this
no, she had to be in control
there was a grunt
a long moan
a sob
then Amanda gasped for air that wouldn't come, her body spent of energy, arms burning as they tried to hold her up, body suddenly sweaty damp dripping, her hair snaking out of its perfect arrangement and needling her skin.
Amanda caught her breath, found Alex under her, gazing up expectantly, receiving each drop of sweat that fell from her body. "Was that okay, mommy?"
Amanda rolled off the table, accidentally knocked her clothes away. She picked them up as fast as she could and forced herself to set them down on the table instead of retreating from the room, putting each on in turn as if Alex weren't in front of her, lying on her side with her head on her hand, eying her like she was a TV show.
"You can stop, Alex. That was very good, but… how do you feel?"
Alex breathed, running a hand down her naked chest. "Wow…"
"Yes. It can be quite overwhelming, suddenly realizing how limited your perception was before. I think you might find yourself very open to new experiences." Amanda buttoned her skirt, now immaculate from the waist down. Above, her bra was a band across her cleavage. "And if you ever feel lonely, or uncomfortable, I'm here for you. I'd like very much to help you find your place in Division." Amanda shrugged on her blouse as she finished, turning away to gather herself.
Alex got up, still naked, damp, and went to Amanda, embracing her from behind. She rested her chin on Amanda's shoulder and breathed deeply. Amanda still smelled of sex. "I've never… been with someone who made me feel so good before. Thank you."
Amanda reached up to run a hand over Alex's face. It was still warm from her cunt. "My big girl… I think we've misjudged your progress. I'll have to mention to Percy how very amenable you are to abandoning certain limitations. If only all my students could be as open-minded as you."
Alex kissed the curve of Amanda's face. She tasted good, so different from Nikita, and Alex imagined her taste consuming her, getting under her nails. Clinging to her like blood.
She got dressed, but before she could put on more than her lingerie, Amanda slapped a perfectly-manicured hand over her dress. "Let's try this one," Amanda said, holding out a dress as black as midnight. The kind of thing Amanda might wear.
***
Usually after sex, Alex clung to Nikita like she was trying to burrow into her, a relic of the time she'd been getting clean and Nikita had had to restrain her so she didn't hurt herself, which had turned into holding her as the shakes flooded her system, which had turned into this.
But this time, with Division looming ahead of them, Alex slept facing away from Nikita. "How did she fuck you?" she asked. "Was it anything like that?"
Nikita slept on her back, facing the ceiling, hands under her pillow touching the guns she kept there. "No. She went slow and steady, like it was a ballet, notching off everything she wanted to make me feel. You give me… something I need."
"Hard and fast, with adult language?"
"No. You give me yourself." Nikita took her hands out from under her pillow, handing Alex one of her pistols. "Here. Keep it in your hands. The nightmares won't be as bad."
Alex wrapped herself around the gift. It did feel a little better. "What about Amanda? What does she need?"
"She needs to be in control."
"What if that's what she wants? Not what she needs?"
Nikita was quiet. Alex turned over to see her eyes were open. She came closer, wrapping herself around Nikita.
"What is it?"
Nikita was slow to answer. "That's something I would come up with."
***
It's done, Alex typed, wondering why she bothered. Couldn't Nikita tell, by some metaphysical link, what had happened? It hardly seemed fair if she'd just been sitting in a comfy chair, sipping coffee, while Alex's world tilted on its axis.
It wasn't that she'd fucked Amanda. She'd always known she could do that. It was the fact that she didn't feel guilty. It was the warm way she was pleased with herself.
Are you okay? Nikita replied.
I went back to her a day later. We did it again. I thought that it would, beyond a shadow of a doubt, prove I was hers.
I'm proud of you.
Alex sagged forward, resting her head against the monitor. I liked letting her be in control. I liked taking control. She made me come.
The cursor of Nikita's response blinked for a long time, and Alex was transported back to that night before insertion, when Nikita had seen the duality emerging between them, when they were more like the same person than partners. The casual touches and whispered words of affection had stopped after that.
Alex had told herself it was just nerves.
Nikita finally sent You did what you had to do. Emotions don't enter into it.
Honesty could be a brutal weapon. Amanda had taught her that. There's a part of me that doesn't care that she's a monster, it just orgasms and learns and doesn't give a damn that I'm getting her off. What am I?
You're mine.
Title: I become you, you become me
Fandom: Nikita
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,963
Spoilers: For 1x11 - All the Way.
Characters/Pairings: Alex/Nikita, Alex/Amanda, references to Nikita/Amanda
Summary: Amanda has a taste for new recruits, so young, so innocent. And Alex can't risk her cover. It's just one more sacrifice Nikita can't ask her to make. One more sacrifice Alex will make anyway.
One month before insertion
Alex's body hurt all the time now. Especially the hamstrings. She'd gone through a morning run favoring her left leg and it'd convinced Nikita that her leg muscles weren't up to snuff. Now Nikita was doubling down on them, filling each spare moment with kicking exercises and some kind of tai chi that seemed like it did nothing except hurt like hell.
Alex didn't resent Nikita for it. It was natural for Nikita to be overprotective in her training, since she was about to send Alex into the lion's den with no back-up. So at night, she clung to Nikita, trying to feel out each perfectly proportioned muscle under that deceitful softness, wondering if this would be how her body would feel in time. Or if there would be scars.
One night, Nikita couldn't sleep. And it wasn't just the nightmares, she had pills for that. It was unhealthy, but they worked. It was that she was lying awake and even though they never in the mood anymore, not with Division so close, they'd made love and even then Nikita still just laid awake, staring up at the ceiling, while Alex laid astride her, trying to rub sleep into her arms, her face, the pit of her stomach. Nikita was a statue.
"What is it?" she asked finally.
Nikita twitched and Alex obligingly rolled off her, to lie on her side and listen for instructions like they weren't so much more than partners now. "I haven't trained you for everything."
"What's left? My hernias have hernias."
"Not something like that. Division…" Nikita sat up and twisted so her legs were hanging off the bed, facing the window like she was assuring herself that the night sky was still out there, that she didn't have a hundred tons of rock and concrete surrounding her on all sides. "Division's power, and Percy's management, attract a certain type of personality. Dangerous. Ruthless. Psychologically unstable."
"Yeah, they're evil nutcases. That's why we're doing this, right?"
Nikita looked over her shoulder at Alex. She looked tragic, not beautiful, drained of confidence. "You're going to have to deal with them. Work with them. Talk to them. Form relationships with them."
"Are you worried I'm going to cheat on you?" An unbelieving laugh shook out of Alex's throat. "They're training me to be a government kill-bot. I think dating won't be high on my list of priorities."
Nikita looked back out the window. At the city. "I'm worried that you have to cheat on me. There's a woman. Her name is Amanda."
"You told me about her," Alex said, pulling the sheets tight over her body. She suddenly felt like there were eyes on her, like she had back when Nikita had first told her about Division's power.
"I didn't tell you everything. When she was training me… when I was alone… she made advances."
"She raped you?"
"No." Nikita stood up and turned around, staring at Alex, her naked body bluntly exposed by the light from outside. "She didn't."
"Oh."
"She has a thing for orphans. Young girls, beautiful and alone, confused sexually, craving… authority. With the cover I've given you… she'll want you. And it will guarantee your cover."
"Are you telling me… did you plan…"
Nikita put her hands on her hips, defensive, her armor up. "She isn't like the rest of them, arrogant and convinced of their own invincibility. She's smart and savvy and if she sees through you, she will put you down… You don't say no to her. If you do, she wonders why. We can't have her wondering that." And then, seeing how horrified Alex was, Nikita stopped being Nikita. She bowed her head with shame and sat down on the bed and took Alex's hand. "I'm telling you because… there's still time to change your cover. We can come up with excuses why you wouldn't be interested."
"But they wouldn't be as effective. Wouldn't make her trust me."
"No."
Alex looked away.
"Don't do it. Not if you have any doubt, not if you're looking for something to prove. She'll get into your head. She'll make you enjoy it."
Alex looked down at the callused hand holding hers. The scarred knuckles. The short fingernails, because long ones could get in the way when you were pulling a trigger or hacking a computer. "You know what I've been through."
"Which is why I can't ask you to do anything like that ever again."
"I watched my parents burn in front of me," Alex corrected her. "If it stops anyone else from going through that, then she can do whatever she wants to me."
Nikita didn't have a glimmer of approval in her eyes, not even the kind she hated herself for, the kind she'd had when Alex had come up with this idea. Now there was only sadness. "She will."
***
Insertion
***
Weeks passed and Alex forgot which was worse – putting up with the training, the pressure, Jaden, or being apart from Nikita. It'd be so much easier to deal with spying on the spies if she could see Nikita's face, or hear her voice, or as long as she was asking, feel her body once more, if only to know Nikita hadn't picked up any new scars.
Alex kept an eye out for Amanda, too, but she did nothing. For all intents and purposes, she was exactly what she seemed – a psychologist entirely focused on the mental health of her charges. Alex would've thought that torturing someone, breaking someone would change you. But maybe people like Amanda had been like that all along.
***
Alex felt another dress move across her skin, caressing her in a way the itchy gym clothes Division issued couldn't hope to match. It was a poor substitute for Nikita… but still, a damn sight better than the pajamas.
"You look nice," Amanda said, and Alex nearly threw a punch. She hadn't heard her come in to the dressing room.
"Thanks."
"Not that looking bad is part of your routine." Amanda smiled, in that way she had of reducing everything she saw to the amusement value of a cute cat video on the internet. "But the dress suits you. I think you'll enjoy being a field agent."
"I don't like it," Alex said suddenly. "Yellow isn't my color."
"You don't have a color," Amanda informed her curtly. "But by all means, try on another."
Alex swallowed fear. Amanda hadn't made a move on her yet, and she was beginning to wonder if Nikita was wrong. Maybe that was just a thing between the two of them. Maybe Percy had had a talk with Amanda and she didn't do that kind of thing anymore. Maybe Alex needed to make the first move.
"Would you help me?" Alex asked, babying her voice a little. Division types liked it so much when she sounded eager for guidance.
"Of course, Alex. I know how hard it can be to see yourself in this new light." Amanda brushed past Alex on her way to the wardrobe. "My new light."
What the hell did that mean?
"What do you mean by that?" Alex asked.
"I'm just acknowledging my influence on you." Amanda sifted through the wardrobe, glossy colors flashing into view with each dress she pushed aside. "Oh, Michael and his bully boys are good for teaching you the mechanics, how to load the gun, how to rack the gun, all the basics. But those are only useful if you can pull the trigger. And although I would never denigrate my fellow trainers, I have to take credit for that." She found one she liked, a red gown that she fitted to Alex's body like a shadow. Alex looked down at the crimson covering her front as Amanda's eyes took in how it fit, and how Alex's curves were evident even through the silken material. "I've molded you, Alex. It's natural for you to feel a connection for us. Just as natural as it is for me."
***
Before insertion
"Alex, do you remember our first night together?"
There'd been two. Appropriate for people who lived double lives. There'd been the month they'd spent on edge, frustrated after Division outmaneuvered them again, communicating in bites of language, barely seeing each other except for training. They were trying not to take the fight out on each other, but it was what both of them wanted. To hit and be hit, because Division was a shadow. And somewhere among the blood and sweat, Alex had kissed Nikita instead of breaking a bone. And Nikita had responded like it'd been her idea all along.
The exercises that followed were much more strenuous than the ones they'd been doing.
And afterward, lying on the gym mat like it was a wedding bed, Nikita had curled in on herself in recrimination. It wasn't that Daniel wasn't long enough gone, but that he never would be. That and a thousand other neuroses piled between the two of them had nearly derailed the whole mission, tempted Nikita to just pick up and leave Alex to whatever life she could build, and if it weren't for the certainty that Alex would find her, she might've done just that.
They'd gotten another shot at Division and this time they were lucky. They managed to land a hit. Flush with success, the drive home was a celebration on wheels, the radio pouring out Lady Gaga, Alex dancing in place and Nikita drumming her hands on the wheel. When the radio played a soft song, Alex rested her head on Nikita's shoulder. When it went back to pop-punk, she turned the radio off. And over the home stretch, Alex told Nikita how she felt. How Nikita made her feel. Nikita could do nothing but listen, her hands white-knuckled on the wheel.
They hadn't made it home. Nikita pulled into an alley, then pulled Alex into the backseat. It wasn't lust. It was just that being able to kiss and touch and say each others' name without a reason was such a relief, like a fever breaking. In Nikita's arms, Alex had been finally able to think.
Now, what seemed like a lifetime later, Alex nodded.
"It'll have to be like that with Amanda."
***
"I do feel a connection to you, but it's…" Alex puffed up her cheeks. Blew the air out. "Inappropriate."
"That's the sort of talk that will be detrimental to your progress here." Amanda circled, each orbit seeming to draw her closer. Alex could feel the air of her passage. "We're society's protectors, Alex. We can't protect society from within, constrained by its morals and politeness. We have to be outside the system. We have to transgress, if we wish to survive. Would it make you uncomfortable if I watched you change?" she concluded, firmly pushing the dress into Amanda's arms.
"Some. But you can if you want," Alex said, filling her voice with uncertainty. Acting was easy when it was half-real.
Alex went to the dressing chamber, but didn't pull the screen closed. She hung the dress up and it billowed in the stream from an air vent, mocking her as she pulled at herself until the dress she was wearing fell away. She tried to pretend Amanda wasn't there. She had a feeling that would make Amanda want her more.
"I think I see a problem."
"Yeah."
"Your underthings. They're… functional. But the woman you're pretending to be wouldn't want to function. She'd want to flourish." Amanda opened up her handbag and pulled out a small box. Inside were a demi-cup bra and a pair of silk panties, both black. Alex didn't have to try them on to know they'd fit. "Do you want to flourish, Alex?"
Alex took her bra off.
***
"The hardest part is the approach," Nikita lectured. Despite the subject, they were both fully dressed. Nikita thought it would be easier to train Alex for this if they pretended it was just another mission. "Your first thought will be revulsion, but you can't let any of it show. Later, you'll be able to just… give in… but at first, you'll have to be shy, demurring, but not too nervous. You have to want it. You have to let her make you want it."
Maybe I could shoot up, Alex thought. Then it'd be just like old times.
***
Alex didn't feel repulsed now. She felt heat gathering in her belly as Amanda started to touch her, not erotically but matronly, adjusting the lingerie like they were preparing for a photo shoot and not an assassination.
"Powerful men have decadent tastes," Amanda said, hands flattening the bra straps to Alex's shoulders. "They don't want whores, but they don't want to work for sex either. They want… groupies."
"This mission doesn’t call for seduction," Alex said half-heartedly.
"It calls for you to be a field agent. It calls for you to know how to use every weapon available. Your body is a weapon. Sex is a weapon."
It wasn't with Nikita.
"Powerful women have a clear sexuality," Amanda said, now in Alex's ear. "They don't give it away, but they don't treat it like some precious treasure. It's a tool that no one else in the world can handle. You're powerful, Alex. I'm making you powerful."
She turned Alex so she was facing the mirror. Alex saw a stranger.
No more. She turned and kissed Amanda like she was Nikita, feeling a satisfaction like she'd just punched Amanda in her smug, conniving face. Just for once, Amanda wasn't the bitch goddess of Division. Just once, Alex had taken her by surprise.
Then she felt Amanda pushing her away and knew she hadn't.
***
"How'd she do it with you? The… the seduction."
Nikita looked abashed, compensated for it. She smiled in that weary way she had. "She made me enjoy it. The looks, the touches, the whispers. I'd never known love like that before. It wasn't until I met Daniel that I realized that wasn't love at all."
Impulsively, she stepped forward and kissed Alex's forehead.
"Thanks for reminding me."
***
Amanda held Alex apart from her, rubbing one hand up and down Alex's arm. Alex felt that warmth moving around in her belly. She wanted this to be over with, and that anxiety was making her hotter than ever.
"I know it's very difficult, being cut off from your friends, your family, your lovers. It's natural to feel unloved, but you're not alone. You have me. You're part of my family now. If you're comfortable with it, I'd like if you were to call me mother."
Amanda wasn't rejecting her. She was laying down the ground rules. Alex felt a sense of relief. Amanda wasn't pretending this was anything other than a sick fantasy. That, she could do.
"Mother, may I sleep with danger?" Alex asked coquettishly.
Amanda stepped forward, now wrapping Alex in a hug, rubbing her back. "You're so clever, Alex. I really appreciate your positive attitude." Her soft hands traipsed over the back of Alex's bra. Nikita's were callused. "Would you like it if we were naked together?"
"Yes, mother."
***
"The way you respond to me," Nikita said, stripping Alex bare, kissing her wildly, the lesson nearly forgotten but looming over them too large to be lost. "The way you want me. You have to learn to fake it."
***
Amanda didn't let Alex undress her like Nikita had. She stood apart from her and took off each article of clothing in her own time, laying them neatly on the table like she was assembling a puzzle. She left her stockings on, and her earrings. And all the while, Alex stood there in her bra and panties, restraining the urge to shiver. The look in Amanda's eyes said she enjoyed it.
"You're still clothed," Amanda said, stepping close once again. She was like a pendulum, closer then further away, closer then further.
"I thought… you might want to…"
"To rip the clothes from your body?" Amanda asked, amused. Though she had a desk job, she kept herself in impeccable shape. Even without a bra, her breasts didn't dare to sag, and her pubic hair was neatly trimmed… not shaved bare like a porn star, but managed. It was like she couldn't allow even her own physique to be out of control. "Alex, not all sex is like that. Sometimes it's about passion, yes… but sometimes it's about restraint. Do you understand?" She left the opening right there.
"Yes mother."
Amanda nodded, pleased. With herself and with Alex. "Would you like me to take them off for you?"
"Would you, mommy?"
Amanda moved closer. Her hands were cool and sure.
***
Nikita wanted to abandon the lesson, she truly did, just let go and return to Alex, to her eager hands and that mouth that could never taste her enough. But if she did that, her teaching would get further and further away, and there wasn't time for that. She held Alex tight and enjoyed the fingers stroking her, but let the words spill out of her. What the deadly little voice in her head would say back when she was Amanda's.
"Not so confident. Not so certain. You have to be nervous. She has to be in control."
***
"My brave little girl." Amanda ushered Alex to her knees. "I know how hard it is for you to embrace your sexuality. To touch yourself. To be touched. I am so proud of you for allowing me to help you…"
"Mommy, let me help you." Alex looked up at Amanda with big, beaming eyes, her hands stroking Amanda's thighs like a pet begging to be let in the backdoor. "You've been so good to me. May I try to please you?"
"Oh, yes, darling. My darling girl." Amanda put her hands on Alex's head and showed her just where to put her tongue.
At first, Alex thought she was wrong. Amanda didn't have any of Nikita's pleasure points, didn't respond in any way except her fingers tightening in Alex's hair. She went harder, desperate to please, tonguing Amanda's clit like a piece of hard candy. Amanda didn't make a sound, but her body shuddered. Alex looked up. Her eyes were tightly closed, her nostrils flaring. Alex kissed her pussy.
"Am I doing alright, mommy? Will you come if I keep doing this?"
"Oh yes." Amanda rubbed her fingers in Alex's hair, petting her like a dog that'd done a trick. "Yes, baby girl, you're going to make me come."
Alex smiled to herself and went twice as hard on Amanda, clutching her fingers in the high, compact ass; losing her tongue in the wet, wet cunt.
Nikita had taught her well.
Amanda wrenched Alex's head back. Now Alex could see that her pussy was inflamed, a vibrant red color, slick and even more tantalizing now that she'd had a taste. But Amanda wouldn't want that, wouldn't want to lose control. She moved a hand fondly over Alex's face, tilting her chin up so they were looking in each others' eyes.
"Play with mommy's tits," Amanda said sweetly, fawningly.
Alex reached up, trying to remember Nikita's lessons. Don't be too eager, but don't be scared. She rested her hands on Amanda's breasts. Nikita's were small, well-suited to her body, but Amanda's were big enough to toy with, to sink her fingers into and roll around, to squeeze as she stuck her tongue deep inside Amanda.
Amanda hummed in approval, her hips twitching as if she wanted to shove herself against Alex, fuck herself to orgasm on her. But she couldn't, and that was Alex's strength. She could lose control. She could hand herself over to Nikita, the woman she loved, and it would only end in pleasure. She had trust.
Slowly, she rose, nuzzling her face up Amanda's body, cupping each other Amanda's breasts and offering them up for her lips to kiss… and nibble at… and suck on…
Amanda rubbed her thighs together, losing herself, hating it, lashing out. When Alex tried to kiss her, she shoved her back. "Naughty girl. I didn't tell you to do that."
"I wanted to suck on mommy's tits," Alex said, getting closer. She encircled Amanda's waist with her hands, half-embracing her. Like she would with Nikita. "I wanted to see if you had any milk for me."
Amanda's lips parted, startled with how well Alex had taken to the role-playing. More than just her young body, her sexual gymnastics, Alex had completely submitted to the scenario Amanda had imposed on her. It wasn't just arousing. It was orgasmic.
"I am the adult here," Amanda said firmly, keeping a tight lid on the heat flooding her. "You will listen to me. You will follow my instructions to the letter."
Alex looked down, abashed. "I'm sorry, mommy. I didn't mean to upset you."
"Don't be sorry. Be smart…" Amanda bit her lip. She could end the exercise now, punish Alex that way, withhold approval. But would Alex ever be this… pliable again? And could she find someone else to satisfy what Alex had awoken? "Lie down on the table."
Alex got up on the table, on all fours, her ass in the air. Next to her, Amanda's clothes laid like pieces of evidence. "Like this, mommy? So you can spank me? I have to learn…"
"No. On your back. Like a whore." Amanda's face twisted at her own slip, but she recovered quickly.
She walked around the table a few times, examining Alex from every angle and calming down. Rivulets of moisture ran down her inner thighs, but she pretended not to notice.
Amanda cupped Alex's face with both hands; a loving, maternal gesture. "You're such a sweet daughter. So eager to please." Her hands traveled down Alex's body, tweaking her just so, moving her arms over her head, parting her legs, avoiding the erogenous zones. As if denying Alex satisfaction for a few more moments, she was in control.
She could feel it slipping away. It felt good. So intoxicatingly, wrongly good..
Amanda laid down on top of Alex, putting her hand on Alex's hip, moving it to her cunt. "I'm going to fuck you like the whore you used to be."
Alex almost clenched her teeth. Almost narrowed her eyes or gave herself away in a hundred other ways. But she didn't. As far as she was concerned, Amanda had broken her, or close enough, bent her to the ground like a hurricane with a palm tree. Later, she'd fuck her back. Show her that she'd already been molded by the best, by someone who wanted a better life for her and not just a pretty doll she could get off with. But for now, she would enjoy it as best she could.
"Please, yes… I'm so lucky to have a mother like you, so patient and understanding with me when I'm so bad…"
Amanda sunk her teeth into Alex's neck and rammed her fingers into her cunt, growling, furious and hungry like she was a field agent again. Was this what she'd wanted, all the times she'd played this game? Someone who would play along? Even Nikita hadn't, too proud not to fuck on her own terms. It'd been enjoyable in its own way, but Alex's submission, her complete and willful obedience… Amanda was sure she could come from it alone.
She gave Alex another finger as she fucked Alex's thigh, riding the muscles she'd helped put there. Alex quivered and shook, like the force of Amanda's thrusts were being amplified inside her body, and threw her arms around Amanda. She wasn't hanging on. She was just hugging her, her cheek pressed against Amanda's chest, eyes closed like a little girl…
"Mom, is it okay if I come?"
Amanda felt herself throb. "Yes, sweetie, it's okay… it's okay… it's oh—come for mommy."
Alex's orgasm took control of her, control of them both. Alex bucked and Amanda gasped
hand clamped down on Alex's cunt
face slack with lust so she buried it in Alex's hair
smelling sweat and old adrenaline as she came
Alex against her clit it was better than any vibrator
she was coming and it was like she was a virgin again, because there'd never been anything like this
no, she had to be in control
there was a grunt
a long moan
a sob
then Amanda gasped for air that wouldn't come, her body spent of energy, arms burning as they tried to hold her up, body suddenly sweaty damp dripping, her hair snaking out of its perfect arrangement and needling her skin.
Amanda caught her breath, found Alex under her, gazing up expectantly, receiving each drop of sweat that fell from her body. "Was that okay, mommy?"
Amanda rolled off the table, accidentally knocked her clothes away. She picked them up as fast as she could and forced herself to set them down on the table instead of retreating from the room, putting each on in turn as if Alex weren't in front of her, lying on her side with her head on her hand, eying her like she was a TV show.
"You can stop, Alex. That was very good, but… how do you feel?"
Alex breathed, running a hand down her naked chest. "Wow…"
"Yes. It can be quite overwhelming, suddenly realizing how limited your perception was before. I think you might find yourself very open to new experiences." Amanda buttoned her skirt, now immaculate from the waist down. Above, her bra was a band across her cleavage. "And if you ever feel lonely, or uncomfortable, I'm here for you. I'd like very much to help you find your place in Division." Amanda shrugged on her blouse as she finished, turning away to gather herself.
Alex got up, still naked, damp, and went to Amanda, embracing her from behind. She rested her chin on Amanda's shoulder and breathed deeply. Amanda still smelled of sex. "I've never… been with someone who made me feel so good before. Thank you."
Amanda reached up to run a hand over Alex's face. It was still warm from her cunt. "My big girl… I think we've misjudged your progress. I'll have to mention to Percy how very amenable you are to abandoning certain limitations. If only all my students could be as open-minded as you."
Alex kissed the curve of Amanda's face. She tasted good, so different from Nikita, and Alex imagined her taste consuming her, getting under her nails. Clinging to her like blood.
She got dressed, but before she could put on more than her lingerie, Amanda slapped a perfectly-manicured hand over her dress. "Let's try this one," Amanda said, holding out a dress as black as midnight. The kind of thing Amanda might wear.
***
Usually after sex, Alex clung to Nikita like she was trying to burrow into her, a relic of the time she'd been getting clean and Nikita had had to restrain her so she didn't hurt herself, which had turned into holding her as the shakes flooded her system, which had turned into this.
But this time, with Division looming ahead of them, Alex slept facing away from Nikita. "How did she fuck you?" she asked. "Was it anything like that?"
Nikita slept on her back, facing the ceiling, hands under her pillow touching the guns she kept there. "No. She went slow and steady, like it was a ballet, notching off everything she wanted to make me feel. You give me… something I need."
"Hard and fast, with adult language?"
"No. You give me yourself." Nikita took her hands out from under her pillow, handing Alex one of her pistols. "Here. Keep it in your hands. The nightmares won't be as bad."
Alex wrapped herself around the gift. It did feel a little better. "What about Amanda? What does she need?"
"She needs to be in control."
"What if that's what she wants? Not what she needs?"
Nikita was quiet. Alex turned over to see her eyes were open. She came closer, wrapping herself around Nikita.
"What is it?"
Nikita was slow to answer. "That's something I would come up with."
***
It's done, Alex typed, wondering why she bothered. Couldn't Nikita tell, by some metaphysical link, what had happened? It hardly seemed fair if she'd just been sitting in a comfy chair, sipping coffee, while Alex's world tilted on its axis.
It wasn't that she'd fucked Amanda. She'd always known she could do that. It was the fact that she didn't feel guilty. It was the warm way she was pleased with herself.
Are you okay? Nikita replied.
I went back to her a day later. We did it again. I thought that it would, beyond a shadow of a doubt, prove I was hers.
I'm proud of you.
Alex sagged forward, resting her head against the monitor. I liked letting her be in control. I liked taking control. She made me come.
The cursor of Nikita's response blinked for a long time, and Alex was transported back to that night before insertion, when Nikita had seen the duality emerging between them, when they were more like the same person than partners. The casual touches and whispered words of affection had stopped after that.
Alex had told herself it was just nerves.
Nikita finally sent You did what you had to do. Emotions don't enter into it.
Honesty could be a brutal weapon. Amanda had taught her that. There's a part of me that doesn't care that she's a monster, it just orgasms and learns and doesn't give a damn that I'm getting her off. What am I?
You're mine.
