Research: Blood of the Fold Chapter 16
Aug. 5th, 2010 12:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficSo you'll remember the letter Richard was writing to Kahlan about how... you know how you had the Midlands... and they weren't all disbanded... well, uh...? Chapter 16 starts out with him sealing the letter with wax on the Sword of Truth's hilt. Thousands of years of tradition and authority, and he's using it as a stamp. By book 6 he's just gonna be using it as a back-scratcher.
Then Richard tells Gratch to take the letter to Kahlan and defend her from Mriswith, which takes four pages. I'm dead serious here. Instead of just going "Richard told Gratch to find Kahlan and protect, and gave him detailed instructions on how to find her," Goodkind spells everything out. Hello, editor? You wanna trim any of this HOT TALKING BEAR ACTION?
"Gratch really is your friend," Cara said. I can't help but think she's really missing Darken Rahl now. At least he never spent any amount of time explaining things to flying bears. With that done, time for some exposition!
Cara eyed him suspiciously. "And if this barrier has been in place for three thousand years, how did this come to happen, now?"
Richard cleared his throat as they followed him up onto the dais. "Well, I guess it's my fault. I destroyed the towers' spells. They no longer stand as a barrier. The wasteland has been restored to the green meadowland it once was."
Richard: The cause of, and solution to, all the Midlands' problems.
The two women appraised him silently. Cara leaned past him to speak to Raina. "And he says he doesn't know how to use magic."
Raina shifted her gaze to Richard. "So, what you are saying is that you have caused this war. You made it possible."
"No. Look, it's a long story."
I love how the Mord'Sith are pretty much really hot versions of the 'bots from MST3K when it comes to the backstory. I bet when Richard isn't listening, they call him "Blast Hardcheese" and "Slake Fistcrunch." They go on to point out that the Imperial Order is using magic to try to destroy magic, and Richard tries to explain the concept of hypocrisy without actually using the word "hypocrite" like he's playing a party game. Of course, the only party game the Mord'Sith ever play is Twister. PAIN TWISTER.
Richard slumped down in the Mother Confessor's chair. Oh God, Kahlan is going to ANNIHILATE him when she gets back. Disbanding the Midlands is one thing, but taking out the Mother Confessor's ass-groove. Richard, you go too far!
Oh, and Cara goes straight from eye-rolling cynicism to this: Cara leaned against the desk and wiped a hand across her face. "We don't want to lose you, Lord Rahl. We don't want to go back to the way things were." She sounded on the verge of tears. "We like being able to do simple things, like make a joke, and laugh. We could never do such things before. What, Darken Rahl outlawed *laughing*? Was it a rider on his puppy-kicking amendment? We always lived in fear that if we said the wrong thing we would be beaten, or worse. Now that we have seen another way, we don't want to go back to that. If you throw your life away for the Midlands, then we will." Cara, you've known the guy for three minutes. I know he's Dirk Hardpeck, but save the adulteration for when you know his middle name, please.
Also, this is why Mord'Sith shouldn't watch Toy Story 3 before going on duty. It just... makes them... oh god, THEY SOLD BO PEEP!!!
And really, how does that work? Richard gets killed, someone else takes his place, do they just go "well, freedom was nice, back to the raping, what're ya gonna do?" That's assuming he doesn't just cede authority, in the event of his death, to someone cool like Kahlan.
More wangst from Richard over how he doesn't want to be a dictator, but how else is he going to fight an evil tyrant? It's not like any culture in history has been able to fight the forces of evil without forming an empire of slightly-lesser evil. This is verging on being an apologia for fascism, and it's kinda creepy. Really, would any of this dialogue sound weird coming out of Lord Zerg of the Doom Imperium?
"I don't want to conquer and rule people; I just want to live a quiet life. I want to have a family and live in peace. That's why I must show the lands of the Midlands that we're strong and will sanction no favoritism or bickering, that we're not going to be lands in an alliance, standing as one only when it's expedient, but that we truly are one." Because if there's one way to make an empire last, it's colonialism!
Cara says that she won't babysit Richard's kids... okay, even for snark, that's kind of a reach... and Richard recalls the good ol' days when he was a woods guide and Zedd had him help out with childbirth even though he didn't know nothing about birthing no babies. Blah blah magic magic. He tells Cara that she's totally going to hold his hypothetical baby because babies are awesome, and the only way I stay sane in the face of such insipidness is to imagine this exact conversation between Bridget Regan and Tabrett Bethell. "Yes, you will," he told her at last in a gentle tone. "Even if I have to command it, you will. I want you to feel the wonder of a new life, a new spirit, in your arms, so that you can feel magic other than that Agiel at your wrist. You will bathe him, and swaddle him, and burp him, so that you will know your tender care is needed in this world, and that I would trust my own child in that care. You will make foolish sounds to him, so that you can laugh with joy at the hope for the future, and perhaps forget that you have killed people in the past." WE'VE HIT DEFCON FIVE ON THE CARA MASON INCREDULITY SCALE! SHE'S GONNA BLOW! ABANDON MORD'SITH!
And the child-free movement is born.
So the chapter ends with Richard falling asleep in Kahlan's chair. Thousands of years of tradition and authority, he uses it as a Laz-E-Boy. The Midlands are definitely doomed.
Then Richard tells Gratch to take the letter to Kahlan and defend her from Mriswith, which takes four pages. I'm dead serious here. Instead of just going "Richard told Gratch to find Kahlan and protect, and gave him detailed instructions on how to find her," Goodkind spells everything out. Hello, editor? You wanna trim any of this HOT TALKING BEAR ACTION?
"Gratch really is your friend," Cara said. I can't help but think she's really missing Darken Rahl now. At least he never spent any amount of time explaining things to flying bears. With that done, time for some exposition!
Cara eyed him suspiciously. "And if this barrier has been in place for three thousand years, how did this come to happen, now?"
Richard cleared his throat as they followed him up onto the dais. "Well, I guess it's my fault. I destroyed the towers' spells. They no longer stand as a barrier. The wasteland has been restored to the green meadowland it once was."
Richard: The cause of, and solution to, all the Midlands' problems.
The two women appraised him silently. Cara leaned past him to speak to Raina. "And he says he doesn't know how to use magic."
Raina shifted her gaze to Richard. "So, what you are saying is that you have caused this war. You made it possible."
"No. Look, it's a long story."
I love how the Mord'Sith are pretty much really hot versions of the 'bots from MST3K when it comes to the backstory. I bet when Richard isn't listening, they call him "Blast Hardcheese" and "Slake Fistcrunch." They go on to point out that the Imperial Order is using magic to try to destroy magic, and Richard tries to explain the concept of hypocrisy without actually using the word "hypocrite" like he's playing a party game. Of course, the only party game the Mord'Sith ever play is Twister. PAIN TWISTER.
Richard slumped down in the Mother Confessor's chair. Oh God, Kahlan is going to ANNIHILATE him when she gets back. Disbanding the Midlands is one thing, but taking out the Mother Confessor's ass-groove. Richard, you go too far!
Oh, and Cara goes straight from eye-rolling cynicism to this: Cara leaned against the desk and wiped a hand across her face. "We don't want to lose you, Lord Rahl. We don't want to go back to the way things were." She sounded on the verge of tears. "We like being able to do simple things, like make a joke, and laugh. We could never do such things before. What, Darken Rahl outlawed *laughing*? Was it a rider on his puppy-kicking amendment? We always lived in fear that if we said the wrong thing we would be beaten, or worse. Now that we have seen another way, we don't want to go back to that. If you throw your life away for the Midlands, then we will." Cara, you've known the guy for three minutes. I know he's Dirk Hardpeck, but save the adulteration for when you know his middle name, please.
Also, this is why Mord'Sith shouldn't watch Toy Story 3 before going on duty. It just... makes them... oh god, THEY SOLD BO PEEP!!!
And really, how does that work? Richard gets killed, someone else takes his place, do they just go "well, freedom was nice, back to the raping, what're ya gonna do?" That's assuming he doesn't just cede authority, in the event of his death, to someone cool like Kahlan.
More wangst from Richard over how he doesn't want to be a dictator, but how else is he going to fight an evil tyrant? It's not like any culture in history has been able to fight the forces of evil without forming an empire of slightly-lesser evil. This is verging on being an apologia for fascism, and it's kinda creepy. Really, would any of this dialogue sound weird coming out of Lord Zerg of the Doom Imperium?
"I don't want to conquer and rule people; I just want to live a quiet life. I want to have a family and live in peace. That's why I must show the lands of the Midlands that we're strong and will sanction no favoritism or bickering, that we're not going to be lands in an alliance, standing as one only when it's expedient, but that we truly are one." Because if there's one way to make an empire last, it's colonialism!
Cara says that she won't babysit Richard's kids... okay, even for snark, that's kind of a reach... and Richard recalls the good ol' days when he was a woods guide and Zedd had him help out with childbirth even though he didn't know nothing about birthing no babies. Blah blah magic magic. He tells Cara that she's totally going to hold his hypothetical baby because babies are awesome, and the only way I stay sane in the face of such insipidness is to imagine this exact conversation between Bridget Regan and Tabrett Bethell. "Yes, you will," he told her at last in a gentle tone. "Even if I have to command it, you will. I want you to feel the wonder of a new life, a new spirit, in your arms, so that you can feel magic other than that Agiel at your wrist. You will bathe him, and swaddle him, and burp him, so that you will know your tender care is needed in this world, and that I would trust my own child in that care. You will make foolish sounds to him, so that you can laugh with joy at the hope for the future, and perhaps forget that you have killed people in the past." WE'VE HIT DEFCON FIVE ON THE CARA MASON INCREDULITY SCALE! SHE'S GONNA BLOW! ABANDON MORD'SITH!
And the child-free movement is born.
So the chapter ends with Richard falling asleep in Kahlan's chair. Thousands of years of tradition and authority, he uses it as a Laz-E-Boy. The Midlands are definitely doomed.
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criminently...
Date: 2010-08-05 07:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-06 01:06 am (UTC)Your snark is as always delicious. Like Cara's. Despite Richard's stupidity, I was always amused at Cara's "No diaper gets anywhere near me, bucko" attitude.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-06 03:54 pm (UTC)