seriousfic

Lee: Kara! You’re alive!

Kara: Reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated. Ha! Like that? It’s from Earth. Total cliché there, but here it’s funky phresh!

Lee: Funky… phresh? My gods, what has death done to you? You’re speaking in tongues!

***

Tigh: …

Adama: Saul! Saul! Saul, here boy! *whistles* Get over here, ya dumb mutt!

Tigh: Sorry, spaced out for a moment there. Won’t happen a *shoots the hell out of Adama’s face, putting yet another pockmark in Edward James Olmos’s face.* Did it again! What’d I miss? …oh.

Viewers: Having fantasies about killing his boss could only mean he’s a Cylon! Or has a boss.

***

Sam: I can’t go up there! What if I go bad and turn all my skills and training against you?

Tyrol: Yeah, I don’t think we have much to worry about there.

Sam launches into a fight that’s cool but short. The civilian fleet is in danger, which actually does rise the stakes. One of the ships takes a hit in the nimbus and has a nasty battle scar later. Fucking Cylons, man…

Important thing is, thanks to Newtonian physics, Sam manages to stare deep into a Raider’s eye for a long, soulful time.

Sam: …if this thing grabs hold of us at the wrong time, then we’re dead.

Cylon: I wish I knew how to quit you!

Kara: This parody is funky phresh to the Colonial Fleet!

Having found out that Anders is an old frat brother since he knows the secret eye-shake, the Cylons leave. Maybe because this week they flipped a coin and their stance on humanity became “leave well enough alone” for another year. Possibly because Sam’s memories of life as a human convinced them that humanity was too weird to destroy. Perhaps because they decided that leaving Sam married to Kara was far more evil than killing him. Whatever the reason, it’ll probably be hinted at in a podcast, then given a maddeningly vague explanation in canon, then that explanation will be retconned. Or maybe I’m just bitter from Lost.

Anyway, Kara lands. Lee and Sam start humping her legs, as is their wont, as two months is a long time and they’ve probably forgotten that she’s kind of a bitch. But then, who on BSG isn’t, amirite? It falls upon Roslin and Adama to be grown-ups and ask if Kara has washed her hands before supper, gone to the bathroom before a long car-trip, and is a Cylon.

Roslin: Tell us what happened so we can fairly and impartially judge your story, you lying Cylon whore.

Kara: My name is Kara Thrace, pilot. A radiation wave hit and I got shot through a wormhole to some distant part of the galaxy. Onboard a ship, a living ship, full of strange alien lifeforms.

Lee: Wrong show, Kara.

Kara: Right, this is the show where the hero and the heroine go through a long will-they-or-won’t-they UST that eventually trades upon contrived love triangles to keep them apart and has an evil villain inside one of the leads’ heads playing pseudo-sexual mind-games with them,.

Sam: Are you sure it isn’t Smallville? We do use all the same actors.

Kara: A prophesized hero slowly matures into a messiah figure, while the best friend tragically falls into darkness, becoming an unstoppable villain?

Sam: No, I said Smallville.

Kara: On Earth, that’s called a burn. Although I didn’t really go to Earth, I just took a few pictures of it. And I wasn’t really gone for two months, just three hours.

Sam: Whew! I was worried you’d find some drippy new love interest while you were planetside.

Lee: Grrr…

Sam: But even you can go for three hours without sex.

Kara: …yeah… sure…

***

Viper: I love you!

Kara: Shut up.

***

Roslin: Put her in the brig until she comes up with a more interesting explanation for her return. And make it the one near the airlock.

Adama: They’re all near the airlock.

Roslin: …this is my new flagship. I’ll be sleeping in your room.

Adama: With me, right?

Roslin: I’ll bring the pot.

Adama: I’ll bring the munchies. And this time there’ll be no…

Lee: MY NAME IS LEE ADAMA AND I LOVE KARA THRACE!... did I say that out loud?

Kara: Oh yeah.

Lee: I won’t apologize for how I feel. I LOVE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH BECAUSE OF THE CINNAMON SWIRLS IN EVERY BITE!

Roslin: I love them because they airlock sogginess.

In a slightly less believable story than Kara’s visit to Earth, Baltar has become sex god to a pack of Space Mormons. Despite being a screw-up and a coward, he manages to get more ass than a space toilet seat, making the viewer wonder if someone on BSG is working through some issues. Then the viewer remembers that everyone on BSG is working through some issues and goes back to waiting for some gratuitous, glowy-spined nudity.

Your official moment of plot comes when Baltar is willing to die for his sins, which prompts God to heal a sick little boy. The fangirls plan a Baltar ficathon to celebrate. The ones in the show, I mean. But the whole cult thing being made up of beautiful women kinda reminded me of teen movie casting. Like in Ten Things I Hate About You, where the undateable shrew is Julia Stiles and the guy who’s specifically referred to as not a pretty boy is Heath Ledger? Considering how the show has been reasonably progressive about having not everyone be young, pretty people; suddenly having a sex cult full of same show up seems awfully self-indulgent. I guess what I’m saying is… where’s the MILFS?

Also, letting Kara walk around when she’s suspected (with good cause) of being a Cylon smacks of Mary-Sueism. She’s the hero, she’s not gonna get treated like every other potential Cylon on this show! Sure, it makes it possible for her to do her great escape later (callback to Gina v. Roslin?), but it seems sloppy both to make a point of how Team Roslin doesn’t trust her and yet she’s still free enough to be a badass.