Movie review: Salt
Jul. 25th, 2010 09:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficSo I snuck out of Inception after the Michael Caine scene and into Salt (that's what you get for hiring SIR MICHAEL CAINE and giving him five minutes of screentime. Still, I wanted to support smart cinema over The Bourne Identity: Tits Edition). And I don't regret any facet of the operation. It's worth a look, because Angelina Jolie beating people up, but probably not in theaters.
So Angelina Jolie plays Evelyn Salt, a CIA agent who is ridiculously good at shooting things, punching things, and blowing things up with bleach, but not so good at facial expressions. Do not confuse Salt with Fox from Wanted or Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. Salt is a blonde.
Salt is also secretly a Russian spy under deep cover (cover so deep it started when she was born, WITH AN OLYMPIC WRESTLER FOR A FATHER AND A CHESS GRANDMASTER FOR A MOTHER. Take note of this moment, because afterward it gets silly). So Salt is all being in the CIA when suddenly her old spymaster walks in and says Salt is a spy who will try to kill the Russian president at a funeral.
Spymaster: That's just to let you know to kill the Russian president.
Salt: Couldn't you have sent me a text instead of letting THE ENTIRE CIA KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING TO DO?
Spymaster: Ehh, this other guy twisted my arm.
Salt: TWISTED YOUR ARM? I spent my entire adult life building a cover so that when it was time to assassinate someone, it would be as easy as standing next to him and slipping something into his coffee, but now you've made it next to impossible for me to do anything other than go to Gitmo for the rest of my life! I could've just fucking stayed home this whole time! I JUST SPENT TEN MINUTES BAREFOOT, JUMPING FROM TRUCK TO TRUCK.
Spymaster: Oh, and when you're done with that, I need you to cross-dress for great (Russian) justice so you can sneak into the White House and help start WW3.
Salt: Couldn't you just send a boy to do that instead of the cross-dressing?
Spymaster: No, all the boys are busy masquerading as members of the Swedish Bikini Team.
Salt: You know what? Fuck this. I'm just going to betray you and go on a roaring rampage of revenge.
Spymaster: I see where you're coming from. I guess arbitrarily killing your husband maybe wasn't a good idea.
Salt: Oh, no, he snored in his sleep, fuck that guy. YES. YES, YOU SHOULD'VE ASKED ME BEFORE YOU SHOT MY HUSBAND. FUCK.
Spymaster: I had to be sure you were loyal.
Salt: I KILLED. A FOREIGN. HEAD OF STATE. That is not the action of someone who is on the fence as regards the whole loyalty issue!
Spymaster: But what if you used spider venom to put him in a state of suspended animation, thus making it look as if you had killed him, when in actuality he would just wake up a few hours later?
Salt: Now you're just being silly.
So Angelina Jolie plays Evelyn Salt, a CIA agent who is ridiculously good at shooting things, punching things, and blowing things up with bleach, but not so good at facial expressions. Do not confuse Salt with Fox from Wanted or Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. Salt is a blonde.
Salt is also secretly a Russian spy under deep cover (cover so deep it started when she was born, WITH AN OLYMPIC WRESTLER FOR A FATHER AND A CHESS GRANDMASTER FOR A MOTHER. Take note of this moment, because afterward it gets silly). So Salt is all being in the CIA when suddenly her old spymaster walks in and says Salt is a spy who will try to kill the Russian president at a funeral.
Spymaster: That's just to let you know to kill the Russian president.
Salt: Couldn't you have sent me a text instead of letting THE ENTIRE CIA KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING TO DO?
Spymaster: Ehh, this other guy twisted my arm.
Salt: TWISTED YOUR ARM? I spent my entire adult life building a cover so that when it was time to assassinate someone, it would be as easy as standing next to him and slipping something into his coffee, but now you've made it next to impossible for me to do anything other than go to Gitmo for the rest of my life! I could've just fucking stayed home this whole time! I JUST SPENT TEN MINUTES BAREFOOT, JUMPING FROM TRUCK TO TRUCK.
Spymaster: Oh, and when you're done with that, I need you to cross-dress for great (Russian) justice so you can sneak into the White House and help start WW3.
Salt: Couldn't you just send a boy to do that instead of the cross-dressing?
Spymaster: No, all the boys are busy masquerading as members of the Swedish Bikini Team.
Salt: You know what? Fuck this. I'm just going to betray you and go on a roaring rampage of revenge.
Spymaster: I see where you're coming from. I guess arbitrarily killing your husband maybe wasn't a good idea.
Salt: Oh, no, he snored in his sleep, fuck that guy. YES. YES, YOU SHOULD'VE ASKED ME BEFORE YOU SHOT MY HUSBAND. FUCK.
Spymaster: I had to be sure you were loyal.
Salt: I KILLED. A FOREIGN. HEAD OF STATE. That is not the action of someone who is on the fence as regards the whole loyalty issue!
Spymaster: But what if you used spider venom to put him in a state of suspended animation, thus making it look as if you had killed him, when in actuality he would just wake up a few hours later?
Salt: Now you're just being silly.
