The Three Musketeers
Jun. 4th, 2010 05:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficThis is one of those weird movies where I'm not sure if I like it or not. It was directed by Richard Lester, who you probably know from killing the Superman franchise the first time around (it took a while to die, but as soon as someone decided "Superman = campy bullshit," the whole thing was dead). And he's assembled a pretty awesome cast. Just take a look at the villains. Christopher Lee taking orders from Chuck "Motherfuck" Heston, who is possibly the only white man on Earth that could pull off an all-purple ensemble. That's why evil will always win, because evil is BADASS. Throw Smokey in there and no one would ever root for the good guys again.
So it's the same plot as always, although here the setting is very unglamorized and realistic. I should note that at the same time, it's not as... mean-spirited as the current grim and gritty films. There's still a lot of spectacle, the film just takes care to contrast D'Artegan's naivete and honor with the other Musketeers, who fight more like a barroom brawl than Errol Flynn. Although for a would-be honorable Musketeer, D'Artagnan does spend a lot of time trying to get into the pants of a married woman, but Constance is played by Raquel Welch, so that's understandable.
In fact, just about every character in a relationship seems to be cheating on each other. The Queen's cheating on the King, but it's okay because he's a boob, and Constance is cheating on her husband, but it's okay because he's... old. And the Queen's lover talks about how he's willing to go to war to be with her (I'm sure the soldiers would appreciate that. "C'mon everybody, we're all gonna get killed, but the Duke of Buckingham is getting laid!"), then he cheats on her. I guess it's part of unglamorizing the plot, but you wonder why these people even got married if they find it such an inconvenience to sleeping around.
Richard Lester tries to stage as many scenes as possible around or in the middle of historical curiosities, like having a random doomsday prophet ranting with coals on his head to open up a scene that has nothing to do with doomsday or coal. I can roll with that, especially since it pays off in giving the swordfights some cool settings. Yeah, why not throw fireworks at the duelists, it looks cool!
Now where it loses me is that Lester is just completely in love with kooky shit. There are Zucker Brothers comedies with less gags, and believe me, you'll gag on these gags. I wanted some relief from the comic relief (I've got a million of 'em!). Sometimes it makes sense, like how Constance has been given the character trait of being clumsy so we can pretend Raquel Welch is acting. But then in the background, sometimes people are just dropping shit or getting a faceful of eggs for no reason. It's like Zoidberg's uncle is directing. Poor Christopher Lee has to try to be intimidating while every ten seconds, the camera's cutting away to someone clowning around. Or they'll be a scene where the Musketeers are racing to the rescue at the climax, but instead of being on horseback (like, you know, THE MUSKETEERS), they're being carried in boxes by some bearers? And then the bearers run into some bees (My god) and drop the boxes? Really, what the fuck? You done, Richard Lester? Maybe you would like to have someone telling knock-knock jokes to drown out the dialogue, or play Yakety Sax during the fight scenes? Calm the fuck down and let the story speak for itself. I can go five seconds without laughing. After all, having just seen this movie, I went two hours without laughing.
Maybe he's trying to point out the absurdity of the Musketeers, who are pretty much just a bunch of jingoistic, loutish thugs (with style!), but even if that's the intent, a little would go a long way.
And is it just me, or was Raquel Welch pretty much the original Megan Fox? I'm just saying, if we're giving Welch a pass because she's hot, maybe we should take it easy on Fox. I'm betting Welch gave less entertaining interviews.
So it's the same plot as always, although here the setting is very unglamorized and realistic. I should note that at the same time, it's not as... mean-spirited as the current grim and gritty films. There's still a lot of spectacle, the film just takes care to contrast D'Artegan's naivete and honor with the other Musketeers, who fight more like a barroom brawl than Errol Flynn. Although for a would-be honorable Musketeer, D'Artagnan does spend a lot of time trying to get into the pants of a married woman, but Constance is played by Raquel Welch, so that's understandable.
In fact, just about every character in a relationship seems to be cheating on each other. The Queen's cheating on the King, but it's okay because he's a boob, and Constance is cheating on her husband, but it's okay because he's... old. And the Queen's lover talks about how he's willing to go to war to be with her (I'm sure the soldiers would appreciate that. "C'mon everybody, we're all gonna get killed, but the Duke of Buckingham is getting laid!"), then he cheats on her. I guess it's part of unglamorizing the plot, but you wonder why these people even got married if they find it such an inconvenience to sleeping around.
Richard Lester tries to stage as many scenes as possible around or in the middle of historical curiosities, like having a random doomsday prophet ranting with coals on his head to open up a scene that has nothing to do with doomsday or coal. I can roll with that, especially since it pays off in giving the swordfights some cool settings. Yeah, why not throw fireworks at the duelists, it looks cool!
Now where it loses me is that Lester is just completely in love with kooky shit. There are Zucker Brothers comedies with less gags, and believe me, you'll gag on these gags. I wanted some relief from the comic relief (I've got a million of 'em!). Sometimes it makes sense, like how Constance has been given the character trait of being clumsy so we can pretend Raquel Welch is acting. But then in the background, sometimes people are just dropping shit or getting a faceful of eggs for no reason. It's like Zoidberg's uncle is directing. Poor Christopher Lee has to try to be intimidating while every ten seconds, the camera's cutting away to someone clowning around. Or they'll be a scene where the Musketeers are racing to the rescue at the climax, but instead of being on horseback (like, you know, THE MUSKETEERS), they're being carried in boxes by some bearers? And then the bearers run into some bees (My god) and drop the boxes? Really, what the fuck? You done, Richard Lester? Maybe you would like to have someone telling knock-knock jokes to drown out the dialogue, or play Yakety Sax during the fight scenes? Calm the fuck down and let the story speak for itself. I can go five seconds without laughing. After all, having just seen this movie, I went two hours without laughing.
Maybe he's trying to point out the absurdity of the Musketeers, who are pretty much just a bunch of jingoistic, loutish thugs (with style!), but even if that's the intent, a little would go a long way.
And is it just me, or was Raquel Welch pretty much the original Megan Fox? I'm just saying, if we're giving Welch a pass because she's hot, maybe we should take it easy on Fox. I'm betting Welch gave less entertaining interviews.
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Date: 2010-06-05 12:57 am (UTC)WRONG ON INTERNET.