The Losers - Final verdict
Apr. 24th, 2010 09:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficFun ride, although it needs more Chris Evans (who is the only one who really fully embraces the tone of the comic) and less scenes like a hero avenging a slight and saying "Payback's a bitch," or the villain executing an underling for a minor mistake. And if you're thinking of seeing this for Zoe Saldena kicking ass, don't bother.
Her entire character just plain blows. It's not the biggest problem with the movie... the villainous Max's plan is exceedingly silly... but it does drag the movie down. Examples!
Zoe: Alright, you're the main character and thus get the only character development, therefore I'm inexplicably attracted to you.
JDM: Cool, cool.
Zoe: Therefore, instead of just walking up to you and saying I can help you kill your arch-nemesis, I'll pretend I'm trying to seduce you, then have an elaborately-staged fight scene with you, even though in real life people get inadvertently killed all the time in fights, and then I would be screwed. Also, it'll be one of those fights that's kinda like we're having sex.
JDM: You mean, rape?
Zoe: No, you're just throw me on the bed, jump on top of me, and punch me, as happens to all strong female characters. Oh, and I suspect you might've killed my Bolivian drug lord father, so I'm gonna fuck you for no apparent reason. And I was raised in Northern Africa, where I collected ears.
JDM: Does any one part of your character make sense?
Zoe: Zippers 61!
In the comics, she was this really cool badass who the rest of the team feared, kinda like Sue Storm without the MILFness. Here, she sits out most of the action scenes, then at the end she fires a rocket launcher while Jensen says "Badass chick!" Why do you lie, Chris Evans? You're going to play Captain America. Cap would never steer us wrong like that.
Then at the very end, just to further waste everyone's time, she says that she still blames JDM for her father's death and will kill him once they get to Max, who escaped into the sequel. Then in the very next scene, she's smiling and helping her teammates reconnect with their families. That must be awkward.
Zoe: Oh, thanks guys, you saved me a slice of pizza and some breadsticks! I'm still gonna kill your CO, who you all respect and admire.
All: *laugh, freezeframe*
Oh, and why do all these amoral CIA masterminds with evil schemes always come up with stealing a nuke and using it as part of a fake terrorist attack to start a war which will somehow result in "order"? If you're that het up about it, why not just detonate your nuke in the backyard of whatever country you're trying to start a war with? Then give them some fake evidence that Canada is behind it, and when they attack, America will go "Wait, who doesn't like Canada? We will save you, hat!" and boom, you've got a war, plus you've used your ridiculous sci-fi bomb to sucker-punch the enemy. Win-win!
Please, creative-types, take five minutes and think up something else for your evil government spook to do other than fake a terrorist attack. You're the guys who think the CIA is plotting evil schemes day in and day out, use one of those! All I want is one big-budget action movie where the heroes are fighting to stop the CIA from making Castro's beard fall out. Is that too much to ask?
Her entire character just plain blows. It's not the biggest problem with the movie... the villainous Max's plan is exceedingly silly... but it does drag the movie down. Examples!
Zoe: Alright, you're the main character and thus get the only character development, therefore I'm inexplicably attracted to you.
JDM: Cool, cool.
Zoe: Therefore, instead of just walking up to you and saying I can help you kill your arch-nemesis, I'll pretend I'm trying to seduce you, then have an elaborately-staged fight scene with you, even though in real life people get inadvertently killed all the time in fights, and then I would be screwed. Also, it'll be one of those fights that's kinda like we're having sex.
JDM: You mean, rape?
Zoe: No, you're just throw me on the bed, jump on top of me, and punch me, as happens to all strong female characters. Oh, and I suspect you might've killed my Bolivian drug lord father, so I'm gonna fuck you for no apparent reason. And I was raised in Northern Africa, where I collected ears.
JDM: Does any one part of your character make sense?
Zoe: Zippers 61!
In the comics, she was this really cool badass who the rest of the team feared, kinda like Sue Storm without the MILFness. Here, she sits out most of the action scenes, then at the end she fires a rocket launcher while Jensen says "Badass chick!" Why do you lie, Chris Evans? You're going to play Captain America. Cap would never steer us wrong like that.
Then at the very end, just to further waste everyone's time, she says that she still blames JDM for her father's death and will kill him once they get to Max, who escaped into the sequel. Then in the very next scene, she's smiling and helping her teammates reconnect with their families. That must be awkward.
Zoe: Oh, thanks guys, you saved me a slice of pizza and some breadsticks! I'm still gonna kill your CO, who you all respect and admire.
All: *laugh, freezeframe*
Oh, and why do all these amoral CIA masterminds with evil schemes always come up with stealing a nuke and using it as part of a fake terrorist attack to start a war which will somehow result in "order"? If you're that het up about it, why not just detonate your nuke in the backyard of whatever country you're trying to start a war with? Then give them some fake evidence that Canada is behind it, and when they attack, America will go "Wait, who doesn't like Canada? We will save you, hat!" and boom, you've got a war, plus you've used your ridiculous sci-fi bomb to sucker-punch the enemy. Win-win!
Please, creative-types, take five minutes and think up something else for your evil government spook to do other than fake a terrorist attack. You're the guys who think the CIA is plotting evil schemes day in and day out, use one of those! All I want is one big-budget action movie where the heroes are fighting to stop the CIA from making Castro's beard fall out. Is that too much to ask?
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no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 01:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-25 07:53 pm (UTC)Not that there would be anything really wrong with either:
a) grinding your junk on JDM like a two dollar hooker; or
b) having Zoe Saldana grind your junk like a two dollar hooker.
I forget the point of this comment, but I'm recovering from Saturday night.