Adventures in Babysitting

[seriousfic]

My mom, like, stole a baby (she works at a maternity ward, so I guess it's okay). And so she's here, with a baby, so I let the dogs in because dog + baby = newborn unicorn cute. And after like five seconds, Toby, this huge dog... he's like a small horse, really... starts barking and whining by the door and begging to be let out. Like, "WTF WTF WTF, it's a human, only small! JESUS CHRIST, GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

So yeah, checked the baby, turns out it has the mark of the beast on its neck. Oop.

But no, seriously, I went like this...

Me: Is it a boy or a girl?

Mom: It's a boy.

Me: (to baby) You wanna watch Predator?

Baby: (claps and giggles)

And people say gender is a social construct... Pah!

So everything's going swimmingly until my mom has to go to the bathroom...

YOU ARE AT HOME. SUDDENLY, YOU ARE ASKED TO HOLD A WILD BABY.

>USE HUGS

IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE. THE BABY IS BEGINNING TO CRY.

>USE FINGER

THE BABY IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR FINGER. THE BABY HAS STARTED TO CRY.

>USE PUPPY

THE BABY IS UNSURE OF THE PUPPY. IT IS SUBJECT TO DEBATE WHETHER HE IS LAUGHING OR CRYING.

>USE BLANKY

IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!

And since I know what you're all hoping for, having seen the post title, here ya go. With bonus Storm!