seriousfic

So I watched Friday the 13th and yeah, it’s a Dead Teenager movie and yeah, it’s a good one, but… I have misgivings. Fannish misgivings. Yes, it’s time for another round of fannish entitlement! Last week, we asked why the brothers on Supernatural couldn’t have hardcore sex for just ten seconds. This week, it’s the characterization of Jason Voorhees.

Friday the 13th Part Remake basically takes the first three original movies and, ignoring all those who can’t see why they were made in the first place, reimagines them. Momma Voorhees still goes on a rampage to avenge her son’s death, Jason still watches her die and goes something something… wait a tick. In the olden days, Jason was undead. Here he’s just a really tough hombre in a mask. So why does his mother try to avenge him when he’s not dead? Hiya plot hole, it’s narrative continuity, I see you haven’t met.

Now the real Jason is basically something between a ghost, a natural predator, and a shrunken Godzilla. He’s a force of nature that kills anyone violating his turf. He can be tricked, but he’s basically a killing machine.

This Jason will keep a girl alive for months because she reminds him of his mother--from before he was born. Said girl also makes for one of the weaker Final Girls in F13 history, being locked up while Sam Winchester does all the heavy lifting.

Moreover, because the reboot is more ‘realistic’; none of the kills are particularly memorable. Even Jason Takes ~~Manhattan~~ A Cruise had a guy getting his head punched off. This Jason stalks a guy into a tool shed, takes his sweet time setting things up, then… stabs him in the throat! C’mon, hockey puck, take some pride in your work. Freddy has better kills in Freddy Vs. Jason! There’s even a meticulously established wood chipper that no one rides through. Is this Friday the 13th or I Know What You Did Last Summer?

This Jason is also a bit smarter than everyone’s favorite mongoloid. He sets traps, rigs up lights… the film even implies he can drive a car! Yes, that’s right Jason, remember to signal on your way to kill those campers. One wonders if the sequel will feature him offing stockbrokers for giving him bad financial advice.

Otherwise, the characters are entertaining and the actresses have not heard of this thing you Earthlings call no-nudity clauses. Just to give you an idea of the talent involved, Dick Casablancas from Veronica Mars is one of the doomed teens. But they got Jason wrong! What’s next, running zombies? Sparkly vampires?

Damnit, I really wanted that wood chipper to get some play.