The Davis Show, formerly known as The Lex Luthor Show, formerly known as Smallville

[seriousfic]

OMG, you guys, DAVIS BLOOME! I cannot get over this motherfucker! This smooth-ass bastard just rolls with the punches!



Uncontrollably turns into a monster without warning? That's cool, he'll just ice a drug dealer and get over it! That's more crime-fighting than Clark's down in six seasons, and he's still on season one of The Davis Show!

Jimmy witnesses him killing a drunk driver? NO PROB! He'll just act cool and sympathetic while explaining that it was all a hallucination caused by a malfunctioning pain med dispenser. And when Chloe tells him the pain med dispenser wasn't malfunctioning, this suave-ass pussy magnet implies that Jimmy is addicted to painkillers!

Then that jive-dick cocksucker Jimmy breaks into his ambulance to find the dead guy he's holding onto, so after trying to explain his position, Davis KNOCKS THE GUY OUT WITH DRUGS AND FRAMES HIM TO LOOK LIKE A DRUG ADDICT (NOT HARD TO DO, SINCE JIMMY IS A DOUCHEHOLE)!

These are things that would send Clark going up to his barn to listen to Linkin Park for three hours, but Davis just sees them as opportunities to gaslight Jimmy and make time with his wife. HOLY SHIT, CAN THIS GUY GET ANY SMOOTHER? MOTHERFUCKER, YES, OF COURSE HE CAN!!!

So he's off to kill some drug dealers and child pornographers, like some fucking version of Rorschach with puppy dog eyes and a thing for blondes, when that skank Jimmy Olsen cold-cocks him with a tire iron! Whereas Davis will fucking inject you with animal tranquilizers TO YOUR FACE! WHILE MAKING A QUIP! Because that's just how this tit-fucker does it!

So now Davis is handcuffed to the ground because IDK, Jimmy is a gay motherfucker who wants to get some of that sweet ass? But Davis doesn't play that, so he just turns into a fucking monster and breaks free, just as Chloe arrives. OH SHIT, IS THE GIG UP? NO, IT ISN'T, YOU FUCKING RETARD COUSIN-FUCKER, I HOPE YOUR FATHER BEATS YOU LIKE TESS'S DID! You see, not only has Chloe just TASERED HER HUSBAND IN THE FUCKING BACK, thus placing her squarely on Team Davis along with such badass fuckers as Winston Churchill and Spider-Man, but when she touches him, Davis uses THE POWER OF GODDAMN LOVE to stop the transformation into Doomsday!

He couldn't have planned that, you say? You're right, that is a Will of God sort of thing. How could Davis have any sway with... OH HOLY SHIT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I SHOULD SAY IT BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE A DUMBASS TRANSVESTITE LIKE YOURSELF CAN HANDLE IT, BUT HERE IT GOES, Davis was going to confession at the beginning of the episode and clearly this is God's way of saying they're cool! That's right, THE GODDAMN JESUS CHRIST is on TEAM FUCKING DAVIS. Final score!

Davis, righteous dude who says yes when Chloe asks "canz it be hug tiem now?"

Jimmy, cheating, self-righteous dickhead with an addiction to painkillers.

THEN, Jimmy makes Chloe cry and rats Davis out to the Daily Planet (WHICH WOULD PROBABLY WORK BETTER IF HE HAD ANY PROOF, IDK!), because he's a ratfink drug addict douchehole. It's a good thing his estranged wife doesn't have any better options than his weaselly ass OH SHIT IS THAT MOTHERFUCKING DAVIS STANDING OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN WITH A LEATHER JACKET WHILE SOFT FUCKING ROCK PLAYS? Fuckdamn, girl, put on some trashy lingerie and put your toothbrush in a plastic bag, BECAUSE IT IS ALL OVER. NEW FINAL SCORE!

Davis: OVER NINE THOUSAND!

Chloe: OVER NINE THOUSAND!

Chloe's vagina: OVER NINE THOUSAND!

Jimmy: -10.

Comments

[shiverslala.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY MY THOUGHTS!

I'M ALSO ON DAVIS TEAM

...and want him in my vagina tbh

[vagrantdream.livejournal.com]

Yes! Word!
You see, not only has Chloe just TASERED HER HUSBAND IN THE FUCKING BACK, thus placing her squarely on Team Davis along with such badass fuckers as Winston Churchill and Spider-Man.


New final score!
bookmarking this. :p

[wicked-g.livejournal.com]

YES. WIN.

Thank you.

I REALLY want Chloe to look up to Davis (well, she's short, she has to look up anyway) and for him to look down and whisper 'no'. BECAUSE OMG HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE???

(http://s683.photobucket.com/albums/vv198/wicked_g/?action=view&current=2z8qhs3jpg.png)

[lillie-poo-pod.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO!!! So so much win.

[peachmacaroons.livejournal.com]

oh.my.god.

"Davis will fucking inject you with animal tranquilizers TO YOUR FACE! WHILE MAKING A QUIP! Because that's just how this tit-fucker does it!"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Wow. this is made of Davis juice! Loves it!

[purple-moon123.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. GOD!!!! LOL!!! So much word.

Team Davis. All the fucking way!!

[maria102375.livejournal.com]

OMFG!!! Team Davis all the way and every way...
Any and all ways with him...No Objections!!! Why couldn't I be his anchor...?

[paraxdisepink.livejournal.com]

you just made me laugh so hard . . .

[nostariel]

No matter how many times I read this (many), it never stops being hilarious. TY for the LOLs, it made my day.:D

[oonaseckar.livejournal.com]

thanks a lot. i live over a shop, the shop-guy downstairs now thinks i'm a raging nutjob thanks to the raging hysteria.

okay, he thought that already.