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seriousficTitle: Tim-in-a-dress Vs. Nurse Joker
Fandom: Batman
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2,550
Characters/Pairings: Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, Cass Cain, Joker, Harley Quinn
Summary: When Steph hears that a drag contest is giving away a free Wii, she’ll do anything to win, even dress her boyfriend up as a girl. But can a rookie cross-dresser possibly face the wrath of… NURSE JOKER!?
“Cassiwannawee!” Steph said, bursting into Cass’s room.
Cass put a bookmark in her literature (Barbara had finally gotten around to teaching her to read after Cass threatened to tell what went on at Dinah’s sleepovers). Ever since Bruce had let them all move in, more as a middle finger to Child Protective Services than anything else, Steph had given Cass no peace. She always wanted Batgirl to quiz her on AP History or play Mario Cart with her or practice making out. Cass was tired of “you Blue Sparks whore” and “rub my butt more”. Plus, Grover was about to meet the monster at the end of the book and the suspense was killing her.
“You want a wee? Talk to the author about genderswap.”
“Talk to the author? Who do I look like, Deadpool?”
“Want to?” Cass asked.
Steph kept quiet until Cass had finished her book.
“Hey! I don’t want a dick! I have Tim! And Bruce, I guess, if that counts. No, I want a Nintendo Wii with a vibrating Wiimote for that unauthorized Superboy game.”
Cass put down her book. “That sounds fun!”
“Almost as fun as the Wii Guitar version!”
“But I thought it was authorized…”
“And look, they’re giving one to the winner of the Mr. Miss Gotham cross-dressing contest!” She held up a newspaper clipping, which was about seven commuters being eaten by rats when their subway car stopped. Steph wasn’t very good with scissors.
“People are always telling me I look like a Korean pop star,” Cass mused.
“But it’s only for boy cross-dressers,” Steph said, fuming at the sexism of it all. “We’d have to dress up like boys dressing up like girls to get in, and no one would believe these aren’t real,” Steph said, pointing to her B-cups.
“Then it looks like we need another Timmy. A girl one.”
***
“Dress up as a girl? No way!” Tim didn’t even look up from his JRPG. “I get enough looks as it is for spending time with Kon. Which is BS, because in Europe, cuddling is just another way to show affection.”
Steph snapped her fingers. “We should get Kon to do it. He goes down for anything. Way down.”
Tim blushed.
“No, Kon looks horrible in a dress.” Cass didn’t elaborate.
“Alright, Tim, if you do this for me, I will watch all three Star Wars movies with you while Cass wears Leia’s bikini.”
“Old school or Special Ed Edition?”
“No school like the old school, baby.” Steph leaned over Tim. For a boy on a team with Starfire, he had a gentlemanly appreciation for B-cups. “Pleeeease? I’m really curious if Grand Admiral Thrawn is a better villain than Boda Fett.”
Tim could no more withstand that than he could say no to applying sunblock to Wonder Woman. Or Superman, if that’s your thing.
***
“You look really good as a girl,” Cass said. “I mean, you always look good. I mean, if you wanted to have sex, Steph could watch, or we could put on a show for you first. Like, handpuppets or arm-wrestling…”
“Wow, I haven’t seen her this babble-y since she ran into Robert Pattinson.”
Both ladies sighed.
“It’s the power of the little black dress, Tim,” Steph mentored. “Now, what do you want for fake breasts?” She handed the size samples to Cass to model. “We have Power Girl, Supergirl, and girl Robin… what the shitsticks? Who manufactured these, I wanna send a letter! I need their name and anthrax, I mean address.”
“These are pretty expensive looking,” Tim said, taking the Girl Robins so Steph wouldn’t feel bad. “Why not just spend this money on a Wii?”
“Didn’t buy them. I found them in the Batcave disguise room next to the fishnet stockings,” Cass reported.
They all looked at one another.
“It must be from when Barbara was Batgirl.”
They nodded hastily.
“We don’t have time to think about Batman cross-dressing (although he must’ve found the best drag queens in the world and studied under them). We have to train Tim!”
***
“Tim, how do you feel about Bette Davis?” Steph asked.
“She’s… alright, I guess.”
An electric shock hit Tim.
“You love Bette Davis! Now, how do you feel about Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?”
“It had some good lines—so I loved it!”
“Good. Now, have you ever fantasized that I was Wonder Girl?”
“You mean did I fantasize that you were really Cassie or that I was in an alternate universe where you were Wonder Girl?”
Steph looked at Cass, who shrugged. “Either.”
“No, of course not.”
***
“Those shoes are mine, betch!”
“Those shoes are mine, betch!” Tim repeated.
“Sex And The City is like they put my life on premium cable.”
“Sex And The City is like they put my life on premium cable.”
“Now say ‘I wish the Doctor would take me away’.”
“But I do wish the Doctor would make me his companion!”
“Yes, but you’d be happy with any of the Doctors.”
“Not the Sixth Doctor!”
“What we’re looking for is less ‘the Doctor’s Companion’ and more ‘David Tennant’s bitch’.”
***
“Now, when you walk, remember to shake the goods.”
Steph demonstrated.
“I do not think the goods have been delivered yet,” Cass remarked.
***
“Well!” Steph exclaimed happily. “After that rigorous fifteen minutes, there’s no way you can lose to people who’ve spent their entire lives training for this contest.”
“There are people who spend their entire lives training for drag contests?”
“Sure! That’s why my grandpa couldn’t take me in after my dad died, because he was training. Now let’s go to that drag show, strap on the dildos of destiny, and fuck adversity right up the ass!”
“And win a Wii!” Cass cheered.
“Wait, dildos, what?”
***
The Schumacher Center was a long hallway which led to two ballrooms. After the quake, it listed to the side a little, but most men were just glad it hadn’t caved in prematurely (it was scheduled for demolition in 2012 to make way for a Fandom_Wank server farm). To accommodate the overflow from the contest, two long tents had been inflated in a V that opened up behind the Center and ended at the High Heel Emporium and Fishnets-R-Us (official sponsor of the Birds of Prey). Tim was wondering why so many of the hall’s occupants were puffing cigars when he, Cass, and Steph reached the box office.
“We’re here for the Wii!” Steph said. “Where have you got it tucked away?”
“Sister, I hate to say it, but with a look that unconvincing, you might wanna go back to Star City.”
Steph gritted her teeth. “You are so lucky I don’t sic my bisexual ninja girlfriend on you. No, I’m here with him!”
She pointed to Tim. The contest official wept tears of joy. “It’s like the Second Coming of Christ, if the Son of Man wore falsies.”
“Oh, it’ll take more than a pretty face and a padded bra to win this contest.” All conversation stopped as a familiarly white face in a nurse’s uniform approached the window. The Joker! If this were a movie, Tom Jones would’ve started singing ‘ She’s A Lady’ and he would’ve been walking in slo-mo, but since this is a fic,I can only describe it to you. “I’ve worn more dresses than a British comedy troupe and I have a master plan to win this year.”
“And what’s your plan?” Steph asked, fists on her hips.
“It’s simple. Kill the Batman. I mean, sleep with the judges.”
“Ha! There are three of us! We can sex up thrice the judges you can!”
“Actually, I’m saving myself for marriage,” Tim said.
Joker laughed. “I’ll be seeing you in the Thunderdome, when they’re announcing this year’s, uh, losers! Ha ha ha!”
***
Tim was adrift in the dressing room. So many feather boas and inadequately-concealed Adam’s apples… it reminded him of Ollie’s bachelor party all right.
“Tim? Tim, is that you?”
“There are some who call me that.”
“It’s me, Jason! Oh thank God, finally someone who understands! The security of women’s undergarments, the reassurance of hiding your foul-smelling genitalia, the sheer joy of being a woman…”
“Jay, I’m just doing this to win a contest.”
“…Buh-Bruce never avenged my fake death…”
“I’m gonna stand over here by the Liza Minellis.”
“Yeah.”
***
“That Tim Drake could be a—problem child? He’ll have to be dealt with, mm-hmm. Yes, my loyal minions, you’ll deal with his friends.”
“Sure thing, Mistah J!”
“RACHEEEL!”
***
Batgirl stood watch over the Thunderdome, careful for any sign of cheating. Suddenly, Harley Quinn jumped in front of her!
“Hi there. Mistah J wants me to distract you with my wily ways.”
Batgirl crossed her arms smugly, as if to say ‘oh yeah’?
“Whaddya think of these?” Harley demanded, pulling open her top.
“PUPPIES!” Cass abandoned her post to play with them.
Harley grinned. The ol’ ‘strap puppy dogs to your chest to distract someone’ trick. It worked on Batgirl even better than it had on Darkseid.
***
Steph’s phone rang. “Hello, who is this?”
“Harvey Dent is dead. I’m Two-Face now.”
“Hi, Two-Face, what can I do you for?”
“I’ve kidnapped Gordon’s family. If you want to see them again—“
“Oh, I’m sorry, I think you’ve got a wrong number.” She hung up. “Maybe you could try dialing 1-800-GIVES-A-SHIT, kidnapper.”
***
And so it was on. Joker gyrated through Lady Marmalade, while Tim eeked out a decent “With A Little Bit Of Tuck” from the all-male performance of My Fair Lady (Is Really A Boy). In the swimsuit competition, Joker dominated with a seashell bikini, while Tim’s Victorian bathing suit was nearly booed off the stage. Finally it came time for the talent show and it seemed all hope was lost. Joker’s magic trick was a big hit with an eyeball and the crowd, but when the spotlight hit Tim, he froze.
“Why so serious?” Nurse Joker asked him.
Suddenly, Steph hung up on Two-Face and jumped up. “Shut up, scarface, my man is more woman than you could ever be. Tim! I believe in you! Do your best! Remember what you’re fighting for!” And she opened her trenchcoat to reveal a Princess Leia bikini, which she filled out awesomely (she’d borrowed the Power Girls).
“Ms. Drake, what is your talent?” one of the judges asked.
“Well, I… I… I am the very model of a modern hero’s sidekick / continuing the tradition of messners Jay and Dick
of the martial arts my knowledge is categorical / while red and green are my colors in all things sartorial
when I investigate a case my deductions are empirical / of my enemies I count a number imperial
once I saved a flight of politicians senatorial / although their votes make me wish this victory was metaphorical.”
“Harley, you’re letting him win!” Joker shrieked. “Quick, show the judges your puppies!”
She tried, but Batman intervened, throwing a kitten from his utility belt. The puppies went wild, giving Harley an experience not unlike foreplay with Wolverine.
Batman petted the kitten. “Good soldier.”
“Of my virginity I assure you is spoken allegorical / and all around my mistakes are really infintisimal
In the form of spikes I carefully array my follicles / while I burst with humility from every little micro-molecule
My best friend has currently ceased functions biological / but I shall remedy this through methods technological
In the Batcave I am the master of all things clerical / while in the bedroom I pleasure everything venereal
Amongst superhero teams mine is quite superior / even if oft confused of affairs familial
And of the dark gods my response is always heretical / in fact you could say I’m the champion antithetical
Of defeats mine are almost theoretical / although my father found himself in a villain’s reticule
My travails are international / my logic is ever rational / my rogue’s gallery is manical
And my adventures have even taken me to locales extragalactical /in fact my prowess borders on the miracular
I count among my friends a woman oracular / but her affections vary to the homosexual
Comments directed to my enemies are frequently satirical / needless to say their humor is always original
By now you must be thinking that my claims are hyperbolical / know that I have sent naysayers to orbits parabolical-l-l-l-l-l!”
***
Tim won!
“Steph, Steph!” he cried.
Steph pushed through the crowd to get to him, inconveniencing several. “Tim! Tim!”
They found each other. “You lost your top,” Tim said.
“It chafed. “
“No way! I don’t believe it!” Joker pulled a gun from his crotch, awing the audience with his tucking prowess (it had been really well-hidden).
“You’re not getting your hands on my Wii,” Tim vowed.
“What are you going to do? I have a, uh, er, urr, gun!”
“No, Joker, what you have are bullets, and the hope that when your gun is empty I'm no longer standing, because if I am you'll be unconscious before you can say ‘no more fucking ABBA’.”
Joker shot him.
“Good hope.” Tim fell down.
“Oh my God, he killed Timmy!” Steph cried.
“You bastard!” Cass lunged at him.
“Uh-uh-er-mn-uh!” Joker pointed the gun at her. “One more step and I turn you into an update of Oracle that no one cares about!”
Tim, one fake breast squirting from the bullet embedded in it, slapped the gun out of Joker’s hand. “This is one cross-dresser you shouldn’t have crossed!”
“Fine! I wanted a chance to sharpen my nails on that fat face!”
Joker slapped Tim, who slapped him back. Then Joker pulled Tim’s hair. Tim pulled the Joker’s hair. Locked in battle, they careened through the ballroom.
“It looks like this drag contest will be settled on the Elder Gods’ terms,” one of the judges said. “In MORTAL KOMBAT!”
“I don’t know why we let him stick around after our universes collided,” Steph said. “Tim, watch out, you’re headed right for that vat of Jello!” She winced.
“At least they haven’t fallen in that patch of mud OH NOES!” Cass screamed.
“No, not the world’s largest honeypot!”
“Careful Tim! That hot tub might scald you!”
“No, don’t use the pillows of the super-bed, see if you can make a rudimentary lasso out of the sheets!”
“The Pit of Rose Petals! It’s treacherous!”
***
In the end Joker was led away in cuffs. “Bah. If it weren’t for that field of daffodils, I would’ve had you!”
“You never could’ve won,” Tim said smugly. “My Wii is too much for you to handle. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting out of these lady-clothes and into my tights!”
Steph hugged him. “Tim, you got me a Wii! How can I ever thank you?”
“A Blackberry would be nice.”
“How about a cherry?”
And that was how Tim became a man… or not a virgin, at any rate.
“I can’t help but think I forgot something, though,” Steph said, smoking a cigarette.
***
“My coin’s come up good on killing you, torturing you, and giving you Jeph Loeb comics,” Two-Face said to Gordon’s family. “But what does the coin say about shaking up this Coke can really hard before I give it to you!? …no.”
Fandom: Batman
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2,550
Characters/Pairings: Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, Cass Cain, Joker, Harley Quinn
Summary: When Steph hears that a drag contest is giving away a free Wii, she’ll do anything to win, even dress her boyfriend up as a girl. But can a rookie cross-dresser possibly face the wrath of… NURSE JOKER!?
“Cassiwannawee!” Steph said, bursting into Cass’s room.
Cass put a bookmark in her literature (Barbara had finally gotten around to teaching her to read after Cass threatened to tell what went on at Dinah’s sleepovers). Ever since Bruce had let them all move in, more as a middle finger to Child Protective Services than anything else, Steph had given Cass no peace. She always wanted Batgirl to quiz her on AP History or play Mario Cart with her or practice making out. Cass was tired of “you Blue Sparks whore” and “rub my butt more”. Plus, Grover was about to meet the monster at the end of the book and the suspense was killing her.
“You want a wee? Talk to the author about genderswap.”
“Talk to the author? Who do I look like, Deadpool?”
“Want to?” Cass asked.
Steph kept quiet until Cass had finished her book.
“Hey! I don’t want a dick! I have Tim! And Bruce, I guess, if that counts. No, I want a Nintendo Wii with a vibrating Wiimote for that unauthorized Superboy game.”
Cass put down her book. “That sounds fun!”
“Almost as fun as the Wii Guitar version!”
“But I thought it was authorized…”
“And look, they’re giving one to the winner of the Mr. Miss Gotham cross-dressing contest!” She held up a newspaper clipping, which was about seven commuters being eaten by rats when their subway car stopped. Steph wasn’t very good with scissors.
“People are always telling me I look like a Korean pop star,” Cass mused.
“But it’s only for boy cross-dressers,” Steph said, fuming at the sexism of it all. “We’d have to dress up like boys dressing up like girls to get in, and no one would believe these aren’t real,” Steph said, pointing to her B-cups.
“Then it looks like we need another Timmy. A girl one.”
***
“Dress up as a girl? No way!” Tim didn’t even look up from his JRPG. “I get enough looks as it is for spending time with Kon. Which is BS, because in Europe, cuddling is just another way to show affection.”
Steph snapped her fingers. “We should get Kon to do it. He goes down for anything. Way down.”
Tim blushed.
“No, Kon looks horrible in a dress.” Cass didn’t elaborate.
“Alright, Tim, if you do this for me, I will watch all three Star Wars movies with you while Cass wears Leia’s bikini.”
“Old school or Special Ed Edition?”
“No school like the old school, baby.” Steph leaned over Tim. For a boy on a team with Starfire, he had a gentlemanly appreciation for B-cups. “Pleeeease? I’m really curious if Grand Admiral Thrawn is a better villain than Boda Fett.”
Tim could no more withstand that than he could say no to applying sunblock to Wonder Woman. Or Superman, if that’s your thing.
***
“You look really good as a girl,” Cass said. “I mean, you always look good. I mean, if you wanted to have sex, Steph could watch, or we could put on a show for you first. Like, handpuppets or arm-wrestling…”
“Wow, I haven’t seen her this babble-y since she ran into Robert Pattinson.”
Both ladies sighed.
“It’s the power of the little black dress, Tim,” Steph mentored. “Now, what do you want for fake breasts?” She handed the size samples to Cass to model. “We have Power Girl, Supergirl, and girl Robin… what the shitsticks? Who manufactured these, I wanna send a letter! I need their name and anthrax, I mean address.”
“These are pretty expensive looking,” Tim said, taking the Girl Robins so Steph wouldn’t feel bad. “Why not just spend this money on a Wii?”
“Didn’t buy them. I found them in the Batcave disguise room next to the fishnet stockings,” Cass reported.
They all looked at one another.
“It must be from when Barbara was Batgirl.”
They nodded hastily.
“We don’t have time to think about Batman cross-dressing (although he must’ve found the best drag queens in the world and studied under them). We have to train Tim!”
***
“Tim, how do you feel about Bette Davis?” Steph asked.
“She’s… alright, I guess.”
An electric shock hit Tim.
“You love Bette Davis! Now, how do you feel about Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?”
“It had some good lines—so I loved it!”
“Good. Now, have you ever fantasized that I was Wonder Girl?”
“You mean did I fantasize that you were really Cassie or that I was in an alternate universe where you were Wonder Girl?”
Steph looked at Cass, who shrugged. “Either.”
“No, of course not.”
***
“Those shoes are mine, betch!”
“Those shoes are mine, betch!” Tim repeated.
“Sex And The City is like they put my life on premium cable.”
“Sex And The City is like they put my life on premium cable.”
“Now say ‘I wish the Doctor would take me away’.”
“But I do wish the Doctor would make me his companion!”
“Yes, but you’d be happy with any of the Doctors.”
“Not the Sixth Doctor!”
“What we’re looking for is less ‘the Doctor’s Companion’ and more ‘David Tennant’s bitch’.”
***
“Now, when you walk, remember to shake the goods.”
Steph demonstrated.
“I do not think the goods have been delivered yet,” Cass remarked.
***
“Well!” Steph exclaimed happily. “After that rigorous fifteen minutes, there’s no way you can lose to people who’ve spent their entire lives training for this contest.”
“There are people who spend their entire lives training for drag contests?”
“Sure! That’s why my grandpa couldn’t take me in after my dad died, because he was training. Now let’s go to that drag show, strap on the dildos of destiny, and fuck adversity right up the ass!”
“And win a Wii!” Cass cheered.
“Wait, dildos, what?”
***
The Schumacher Center was a long hallway which led to two ballrooms. After the quake, it listed to the side a little, but most men were just glad it hadn’t caved in prematurely (it was scheduled for demolition in 2012 to make way for a Fandom_Wank server farm). To accommodate the overflow from the contest, two long tents had been inflated in a V that opened up behind the Center and ended at the High Heel Emporium and Fishnets-R-Us (official sponsor of the Birds of Prey). Tim was wondering why so many of the hall’s occupants were puffing cigars when he, Cass, and Steph reached the box office.
“We’re here for the Wii!” Steph said. “Where have you got it tucked away?”
“Sister, I hate to say it, but with a look that unconvincing, you might wanna go back to Star City.”
Steph gritted her teeth. “You are so lucky I don’t sic my bisexual ninja girlfriend on you. No, I’m here with him!”
She pointed to Tim. The contest official wept tears of joy. “It’s like the Second Coming of Christ, if the Son of Man wore falsies.”
“Oh, it’ll take more than a pretty face and a padded bra to win this contest.” All conversation stopped as a familiarly white face in a nurse’s uniform approached the window. The Joker! If this were a movie, Tom Jones would’ve started singing ‘ She’s A Lady’ and he would’ve been walking in slo-mo, but since this is a fic,I can only describe it to you. “I’ve worn more dresses than a British comedy troupe and I have a master plan to win this year.”
“And what’s your plan?” Steph asked, fists on her hips.
“It’s simple. Kill the Batman. I mean, sleep with the judges.”
“Ha! There are three of us! We can sex up thrice the judges you can!”
“Actually, I’m saving myself for marriage,” Tim said.
Joker laughed. “I’ll be seeing you in the Thunderdome, when they’re announcing this year’s, uh, losers! Ha ha ha!”
***
Tim was adrift in the dressing room. So many feather boas and inadequately-concealed Adam’s apples… it reminded him of Ollie’s bachelor party all right.
“Tim? Tim, is that you?”
“There are some who call me that.”
“It’s me, Jason! Oh thank God, finally someone who understands! The security of women’s undergarments, the reassurance of hiding your foul-smelling genitalia, the sheer joy of being a woman…”
“Jay, I’m just doing this to win a contest.”
“…Buh-Bruce never avenged my fake death…”
“I’m gonna stand over here by the Liza Minellis.”
“Yeah.”
***
“That Tim Drake could be a—problem child? He’ll have to be dealt with, mm-hmm. Yes, my loyal minions, you’ll deal with his friends.”
“Sure thing, Mistah J!”
“RACHEEEL!”
***
Batgirl stood watch over the Thunderdome, careful for any sign of cheating. Suddenly, Harley Quinn jumped in front of her!
“Hi there. Mistah J wants me to distract you with my wily ways.”
Batgirl crossed her arms smugly, as if to say ‘oh yeah’?
“Whaddya think of these?” Harley demanded, pulling open her top.
“PUPPIES!” Cass abandoned her post to play with them.
Harley grinned. The ol’ ‘strap puppy dogs to your chest to distract someone’ trick. It worked on Batgirl even better than it had on Darkseid.
***
Steph’s phone rang. “Hello, who is this?”
“Harvey Dent is dead. I’m Two-Face now.”
“Hi, Two-Face, what can I do you for?”
“I’ve kidnapped Gordon’s family. If you want to see them again—“
“Oh, I’m sorry, I think you’ve got a wrong number.” She hung up. “Maybe you could try dialing 1-800-GIVES-A-SHIT, kidnapper.”
***
And so it was on. Joker gyrated through Lady Marmalade, while Tim eeked out a decent “With A Little Bit Of Tuck” from the all-male performance of My Fair Lady (Is Really A Boy). In the swimsuit competition, Joker dominated with a seashell bikini, while Tim’s Victorian bathing suit was nearly booed off the stage. Finally it came time for the talent show and it seemed all hope was lost. Joker’s magic trick was a big hit with an eyeball and the crowd, but when the spotlight hit Tim, he froze.
“Why so serious?” Nurse Joker asked him.
Suddenly, Steph hung up on Two-Face and jumped up. “Shut up, scarface, my man is more woman than you could ever be. Tim! I believe in you! Do your best! Remember what you’re fighting for!” And she opened her trenchcoat to reveal a Princess Leia bikini, which she filled out awesomely (she’d borrowed the Power Girls).
“Ms. Drake, what is your talent?” one of the judges asked.
“Well, I… I… I am the very model of a modern hero’s sidekick / continuing the tradition of messners Jay and Dick
of the martial arts my knowledge is categorical / while red and green are my colors in all things sartorial
when I investigate a case my deductions are empirical / of my enemies I count a number imperial
once I saved a flight of politicians senatorial / although their votes make me wish this victory was metaphorical.”
“Harley, you’re letting him win!” Joker shrieked. “Quick, show the judges your puppies!”
She tried, but Batman intervened, throwing a kitten from his utility belt. The puppies went wild, giving Harley an experience not unlike foreplay with Wolverine.
Batman petted the kitten. “Good soldier.”
“Of my virginity I assure you is spoken allegorical / and all around my mistakes are really infintisimal
In the form of spikes I carefully array my follicles / while I burst with humility from every little micro-molecule
My best friend has currently ceased functions biological / but I shall remedy this through methods technological
In the Batcave I am the master of all things clerical / while in the bedroom I pleasure everything venereal
Amongst superhero teams mine is quite superior / even if oft confused of affairs familial
And of the dark gods my response is always heretical / in fact you could say I’m the champion antithetical
Of defeats mine are almost theoretical / although my father found himself in a villain’s reticule
My travails are international / my logic is ever rational / my rogue’s gallery is manical
And my adventures have even taken me to locales extragalactical /in fact my prowess borders on the miracular
I count among my friends a woman oracular / but her affections vary to the homosexual
Comments directed to my enemies are frequently satirical / needless to say their humor is always original
By now you must be thinking that my claims are hyperbolical / know that I have sent naysayers to orbits parabolical-l-l-l-l-l!”
***
Tim won!
“Steph, Steph!” he cried.
Steph pushed through the crowd to get to him, inconveniencing several. “Tim! Tim!”
They found each other. “You lost your top,” Tim said.
“It chafed. “
“No way! I don’t believe it!” Joker pulled a gun from his crotch, awing the audience with his tucking prowess (it had been really well-hidden).
“You’re not getting your hands on my Wii,” Tim vowed.
“What are you going to do? I have a, uh, er, urr, gun!”
“No, Joker, what you have are bullets, and the hope that when your gun is empty I'm no longer standing, because if I am you'll be unconscious before you can say ‘no more fucking ABBA’.”
Joker shot him.
“Good hope.” Tim fell down.
“Oh my God, he killed Timmy!” Steph cried.
“You bastard!” Cass lunged at him.
“Uh-uh-er-mn-uh!” Joker pointed the gun at her. “One more step and I turn you into an update of Oracle that no one cares about!”
Tim, one fake breast squirting from the bullet embedded in it, slapped the gun out of Joker’s hand. “This is one cross-dresser you shouldn’t have crossed!”
“Fine! I wanted a chance to sharpen my nails on that fat face!”
Joker slapped Tim, who slapped him back. Then Joker pulled Tim’s hair. Tim pulled the Joker’s hair. Locked in battle, they careened through the ballroom.
“It looks like this drag contest will be settled on the Elder Gods’ terms,” one of the judges said. “In MORTAL KOMBAT!”
“I don’t know why we let him stick around after our universes collided,” Steph said. “Tim, watch out, you’re headed right for that vat of Jello!” She winced.
“At least they haven’t fallen in that patch of mud OH NOES!” Cass screamed.
“No, not the world’s largest honeypot!”
“Careful Tim! That hot tub might scald you!”
“No, don’t use the pillows of the super-bed, see if you can make a rudimentary lasso out of the sheets!”
“The Pit of Rose Petals! It’s treacherous!”
***
In the end Joker was led away in cuffs. “Bah. If it weren’t for that field of daffodils, I would’ve had you!”
“You never could’ve won,” Tim said smugly. “My Wii is too much for you to handle. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting out of these lady-clothes and into my tights!”
Steph hugged him. “Tim, you got me a Wii! How can I ever thank you?”
“A Blackberry would be nice.”
“How about a cherry?”
And that was how Tim became a man… or not a virgin, at any rate.
“I can’t help but think I forgot something, though,” Steph said, smoking a cigarette.
***
“My coin’s come up good on killing you, torturing you, and giving you Jeph Loeb comics,” Two-Face said to Gordon’s family. “But what does the coin say about shaking up this Coke can really hard before I give it to you!? …no.”
