![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficSex - All sex is fantastic. No exceptions. Women are always capable of multiple orgasms, men are also capable of multiple orgasms (Bat-training handily enough includes tantric sex, although what use this is in a war against crime is rarely specified) and of holding back orgasm until their partner has reached orgasm (number six or seven). All sex partners are issued a map of erogenous zones – more detailed than Google Earth -- before sex. If you’re not having great sex, it’s obviously because you’re not with the right partner. For instance, if Dick Grayson is not having mind-blowing sex with Barbara Gordon, it’s obviously because she’s not his soulmate and true love. Note that great sex is not a guarantee of being with the right partner. Dick Grayson may have to have mind-blowing sex with Roy Harper, Tim Drake, Slade Wilson, and Jason Todd before he discovers that Bruce Wayne is his true love.
Tim Drake - Tim Drake is the alpha and omega of sexuality. It’s as if Brad Pitt, James Bond, Captain Jack (either one), Angelina Jolie, and the threesome scene in Wild Things were all put into a blender and became a sixteen-year-old boy. Prior relationships, sexual identity, and differing species will not stop one from finding Tim Drake the sexiest living thing (or, if turned into a statue, inanimate object) in existence. Some have theorized this is due to Robinsexuality, a sexuality that supercedes all others and is composed of an attraction to young boys in bright colors. Parents have been known to try to enter their lesbian daughters into the Teen Titans in the hope that Tim Drake will act as a walking, talking gay cure camp. This merely results in one-man, many-lesbians orgies. Tourists should be careful not to look directly at Tim Drake.
Geography - Despite the multitude of planets, cities, and dimensions in DC Universe (canon), in DC Universe (fanfic) there are only three locations.
Gotham - Gotham is dark and angsty. Rain is common, although it has the unusual property of never causing anyone to catch cold, but instead merely giving them an excellent visual to go with their brooding. A common thought is that the rain “stings like a thousand needles,” although this never prompts one to fetch an umbrella or go inside. A key location in Gotham is...
Wayne Manor - Wayne Manor, often described as stately, is where Bruce Wayne lives. It has numerous rooms to accommodate any number of people who desire to stay over. Alfred, the butler, is both discreet and wise enough to foresee the need for lubricant, condoms, sex toys, and whatever else is needed for a pleasant stay. He stays out of the festivities himself, although tourists with a more sentimental bent may observe he has a sweetly chaste relationship with Leslie Thompkins (see Fuck you, Didio!). Underneath Wayne Manor is…
The Batcave - The Batcave is cold, drafty, and damp, as Bruce Wayne can stock it with millions in supercomputers, evidence labs, and machine parts, but an air conditioner would raise suspicion. Sex in the Batcave is such a common occurrence that Alfred often puts on a full haz-mat suit before entering. Note that the cold draftiness of the Batcave does not preclude sexual activity, even when sex is taking place against the presumably cold rock. Not simply going upstairs to the warmer, more comfortable venue of Wayne Manor’s beds is one of the many neuroses among Team Batman.
Metropolis - Metropolis is bright, sunny, and cheery. It is the home of Superman, Lex Luthor, and the Daily Planet. If this entry seems less in-depth than Gotham, it is because Metropolis is vastly less interesting than Gotham. Indeed, Metropolitians may visit Gotham just so their sex can be more interesting.
The Daily Planet - Possibly seen more often in the Smallville and Superman Returns subsets. The Daily Planet is populated by Perry White, whose gruff nature does not stop him from proving an unexpected corner for relationship advice; Jimmy Olsen, who may engage in shenanigans that either distract from, complicate, or cause romantic entanglements or (less often) is engaged in romantic entanglements himself; and supply closets, which provides an excellent location for a romantic rendezvous. Rumors that employees such as Cat Grant, Steve Lombardi, and others may work there prove unverifiable. Lois Lane also works here, although tourists may be surprised to find that she is neither romantically involved with Clark Kent or aware of Superman’s secret identity. Richard White may either be her fiancée in Superman Returns stories or imported into another fic universe so that Lois doesn’t feel left out when Batman and Superman are snuggling. This does not preclude Richard himself from either becoming involved with Clark or entering into a threesome relationship. Luckily, Perry White was prescient enough to build those supply closets extra large.
The Fortress of Solitude – Although technically not in Metropolis, this fulfills the same function as the Batcave in Gotham. Generally portrayed with such sterility that it’s about as arousing as a Stanley Kubrick porno, Kryptonian architecture is no match for superhero libidos. At superspeed, Clark can dim the lights, throw around some curtains, light a little incense, and all is ready for some super-loving. Although having Jor-El’s AI around makes this kind of like having sex with your parents in the house. Uhhh…
Titans Tower – The location of this tends to vary, depending on when the story is set. In Young Justice stories, it will be a cave (that is surprisingly much more comfortable than the Batcave, as someone had the foresight to supply carpets and couches). Usually, though, it will be a skyscraper shaped like a T, which stands for Tim Drake Lives Here. Some might question the wisdom of building a whole skyscraper for a team of about seven people (and doing it multiple times, as the current one gets destroyed every few years), but shaping it like a capital letter pretty much proved that its architects aren’t willing to listen to reason. Titans Tower is a combination of Playboy Mansion, Berkeley in the sixties, and the White House during the Clinton presidency. Any sexual experimentation that can occur, will occur, and generally between nubile teenage boys.
Gail Simone - Gail Simone is god.
Fuck you Didio! - A short-hand for conventions in the DC Universe (fanfic) that are so wide-spread and so wise that one need not even specify that they happened. In effect, canon is so stupid that the opposing fanon is therefore so smart that once the fanon is called into effect, the way this happened will not be gone into. It will be left at the fact that this is far superior to canon and the story will continue from there. A few authors may attempt to write their stories within Didio-canon, or (more likely) adopt one of the few favorable elements from the “Crisis trilogy” and incorporate it into a universe that doesn’t suck as much. Note that some FYDs are contradictory, highly implausible, or otherwise silly. They are still superior to Didio-canon. Some FYDs even become canon. Although a full accounting of FYDs would be impossible, due to the number of times “Fuck you!” has been said to Didio, a small listing of some of the more common FYDs is reproduced below.
1. Anyone who died after or during Identity Crisis is still alive (exception: Jack Drake. Because he sucks).
2. Sue Dibny was never raped. Dr. Light was never mind-wiped, he’s just naturally an idiot. Ralph and Sue Dibny are happily solving mysteries and welcoming a new addition to their family.
3. The Amazons aren’t child-killers.
4. Stephanie Brown is not dead.
5. Cassandra Cain is not evil.
6. The JLI is still alive and well (including Ice, who was resurrected by Gail Simone, all praise Her name) and is now called the Superbuddies. Max Lord, who is not evil and is a cyborg, helps out.
7. The New Gods are alive and well for nobody to write about.
8. Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon are married.
9. Dinah Lance and Ollie Queen never married.
10. Kon-El is still alive.
11. Bart is still alive. He’s happily learning the ropes from Max Mercury. Rumors of Young Justice being disbanded and him joining the Teen Titans as a grim, unrecognizable avenger are unfounded. As are rumors of Wally West ceasing to be the Flash.
12. Ted Kord retired, and is happy to see Jaime Reyes carrying on his legacy.
13. The Question did not die.
14. Dinah Lance did not leave the BOP.
15. Wonder Woman would never kill anyone.
16. Slade Wilson would never nuke anything.
17. Lian was never kidnapped by a child sex ring.
18. Dick never threatened Superman with Kryptonite.
19. Or punched Roy.
20. Or was raped by Tarantula.
21. Or had sex with Barbara before giving her an invitation to his wedding.
22. Or implied he would drop Kory in an instant for Barbara.
23. Or helped Deathstroke.
24. Or became a male model.
25. In fact, Jason Todd didn’t become a tentacle monster either.
Health - Much like the Purple Healing Ray in the DC Universe (canon), there is one surefire cure for trauma in the DC Universe (fanfic). This is the comfort of a potential love interest. Having the love interest possess medical or psychotherapeutic skills is unnecessary. Curing ills takes three stages.
1. The healee will be injured. During this stage, it is common for the healee to attempt to resist the healing process and rejoin the fight against evil. The healer must be firm at this stage, and demonstrate the first inkling that he cares for the healee in more than a friendly, familial way.
2. The healee will start to recuperate. This may entail the healer bandaging his wounds, helping him undergo physical therapy, holding the healee during tearful therapeutic sessions, and of course a burgeoning sexual interest.
3. The relationship will enter into sex. Due to the genre, this sex must be fantastic, yet often injuries will render the sex less-than-fantastic. In this battle, porn always trumps plot and the injuries are magically healed so that ten pages of explicitly detailed sex can be enjoyed by the reader.
This process can be used for either psychological or physical injuries. Unfortunately, the process was not discovered until well after some injuries took place. If James Gordon had had sex with Bruce after his parents were gunned down, the DC universe might be a much happier place. Similarly, Dick’s relationship with Koriand’r prevented him from applying healing sexuality to Barbara Gordon. If the same episode were to occur today, both Dick and Kory might help Barbara, resulting in her being double-healed. Thus, not only would her ordinary legs be restored, but she would grow another set of legs and become a centaur, which Dick and Kory would ride into the sunset. This is canon.
