Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man

So I went into the Felicia Hardy tag recently for research and you can imagine how dismayed I was to find multiple posts about a run-in between the Superior Spider-Man (Doc Ock in Peter's body) and Black Cat. Him not knowing who she is, he punches her in the face so hard she loses a tooth, causing her to swear vengeance. And I get it, they're doing it so when Peter gets his body back, he'll be in trouble with Felicia, drama drama drama. But it brings me to one of my problems with the post-OMD/BND Spider-Man canon, quite separate from the entire Spider-marriage issue.

If you were to ask the writers of Spider-Man what rating they would give to their work, I think they would say it's a hard PG-13... which really means an R, so long as you don't show a woman orgasming. And I see Spider-Man as a PG kinda character. Even more so than Batman, kids love Spider-Man. And up until BND, he really was pitched at this light and fluffy level, 90s aside. Even there, under the dire straits of McFarlene: Venom's one of Spidey's darker rogues and his big threat is to eat Spider-Man's brain; clearly, that's ridiculous. It's as fantastical as the Road Runner dropping a boulder on Wil E. Coyote. It's like the Daleks shooting someone with a death-ray; sure, it kills you, but it's not the same as taking a bullet in the head and your brains flying against the wall.

(And yes, I know Kraven buried Peter alive and such, but those were clearly 'Very Special Episodes', not the rule. Now, the status quo is that Ock is Spider-Man. You can't skip over the grime, it's the main course now.)

Because that Black Cat scene could've accomplished its aims with just Ock webbing Felicia up and turning her into the police; boom, she's out for revenge. And I'm sure people will argue that this would be less "visceral" or "intense" or whatever, but hey--why should Spider-Man be visceral or intense? It'd be more intense in Star Wars if Darth Vader raped Luke's ass instead of cutting off his hand, but I think most people would agree that one's something they would want to see in a Star Wars movie and the other isn't.

There's a level of Geoff Johns grimdark to Spider-Man BND. The Chameleon doesn't just impersonate people to commit crimes, he dips his victims in acid to get rid of their bodies and rapes their loved ones (yes, I know the Spider-books backed off on that, but you have to admit, it was their original intent). The supervillain swapping bodies with the hero is nothing new, it's a classic cartoony fix for Peter to find himself in, but as it's written, there's this sleazy emphasis on sex and rape. It's not just, you know, winking innuendos about how Doc Ock holding "Peter's" dick while urinating might be something he's always wanted to do. It's straight-up saying "look, Doc has Peter's memories of having sex with Mary Jane, AHUCKHYUCKHYUCK!" And that bothers me. It's not just a rejection of the spider-marriage; it's a rejection of the entire ethos of fun and warmth that goes with it.

Well, any excuse to talk about Jaime Murray

Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen Fright Night 2: The New Blood (better known as "the one with Jaime Murray"). I'm not one to quibble over PG-13-naked Jaime Murray vampirism... but I will.

1. I know I'm the only person who cares about this, but this is the fourth version of Fright Night to come out. The first one was, obviously, the first one. Then they made a sequel to that in which the hero chalked up the first film to being a hallucination (not kidding) and so they had to do the whole "VAMPIRES ARE REALZORS?" thing again. Oh, and that one had a girl vampire too. Then they did a remake with Colin Farrell as the vampire. Now this is supposedly a sequel to that remake, but it doesn't continue that story at all--in fact, it reuses the characters that Colin Farrell, Anton Yelchin, etc. played, learning about vampires all over again. So this is another remake, not a sequel, and should if anything be titled Fright Night: The New Blood (NO numeral).

2. These are possibly the worst excuses for heroes I've ever seen. Yes, Evil Ed was always annoying, but previously he was endearingly annoying, and you could at least sympathize with his love of horror movies and shit. This Evil Ed just watches a dumb Ghostfacers type reality show. What true nerd likes that crap? Yes, I'm playing the true nerd card. We need to draw a line somewhere. Nerddom can make room for minorities and alternate sexualities and the disabled, all of that, but let us draw the line at Ghost Hunters.

3. Charlie, our hero, is even worse. We're told he cheated on his girlfriend and he's introduced peeping on a woman having sex (yes, Jaime Murray Vampire is being an exhibitionist, because all lady vampires are sluts, but still, he doesn't have to look). So yeah, rooting for Jaime Murray.

4. We have two scenes where Charlie accidentally stumbles onto Jaime Murray Vampire having sex and something hinky happening. Could it be... VAMPIRES!? I'm thinking this is just because Jaime Murray saw the script and asked "Can we add a pointless scene where I make out with a lady? My fans are going to watch this movie just for me and I need to do something to make it worth their while. Make her a redhead too, thanks."

5. In the other movies, Charlie kinda accidentally stumbles onto Jerry Dandridge being a vampire. Here, Jaime Murray is pretty much advertising it to him. There turns out to be a SUPER-CONVENIENT reason she needs this schlub alive instead of killing him immediately to tie off loose ends. Still, amazing she's lived this long when she's so conspicuous about being a damned creature of the night.

6. As always, there's incredibly accurate 'folklore' about the vampire, with no discrepancy between accounts and no idea who found out and spread this information. Also, it's communicated to the audience through the movie becoming an uber-cheap motion comic for a good five minutes. Look, guys, honesty is the best policy--just cut to Jaime Murray, have her say they used the entire budget paying her to take baths in blood, and so she'll be reading the blatant exposition to the camera. It beats spending time with our chucklehead male leads.

7. Gratuitous close-up of a guy pissing.

8. Gratuitous close-up of a poopy toilet. Guys, C'MON.

9. This is one of those movies where the hero's in an estranged relationship, but because he saves his girl's life, she gets back together with him. Because, you know, the hero can't just save a total stranger because it's the right thing to do. He needs to get a reward. A SEXY reward (exception: Chris Evans in Cellular, who saves Kim Basinger WITHOUT GETTING INTO HER PANTS. Chris Evans is the best). Just once, I'd like to see the hero save his ex, then have her tell him "yeah, thanks for the help, but that doesn't magically make our relationship functional." Like, if I find out my girlfriend is fucking dogs, then she saves me from a mummy, I'm not going to suddenly be okay with her getting in bed with Wishbone.

10. Okay, if Jaime Murray Vampire can no-sell getting hit by a car, then how can a stake possibly pierce her skin? Maybe a holy object like a cross is able to penetrate her clearly super-strong skin, but a random prop?

11. Did Charlie really need to rig up a wrist-mounted stake? Can't he just carry one? I thought time was of the essence.

12. I'm totally unsure how the climax works. Amy needs to kill Charlie for Jaime Murray Vampire's ritual to work, she bites him which turns him into a vampire (even though we're shown earlier that Jaime Murray Vampire had to consciously want to make her victim a vampire), so he stakes himself in the chest but misses his heart, which harms Amy?

13. ???

14. How is Charlie able to use his thirty-second-old echolocation ability to shatter windows? Human opera singers are able to do this, but obviously it's very hard. How did he learn that? And why would a vampire have windows in her lair anyway? I mean, c'mon, that's just obvious.

15. Jaime Murray Vampire transforms into an old lady when she doesn't get blood, so they hired an old lady instead of putting Jaime Murray in make-up. But the woman is clearly quite a bit heavier than the svelte Jaime Murray. No judging, but how does that work? If Jaime Murray doesn't drink blood, does she rapidly age AND gain fifty pounds? From where? Does she eat that much all the time and the blood just acts as some sort of super-laxative?

16. The original Peter Vincent was an old Hammer film actor who hosted a TV show that screened scary movies. The remake Peter Vincent was a stage magician in Las Vegas. This Peter Vincent is the host of a Ghost Hunters type reality show. In keeping up with this general diminishing of charm and appeal, the next Peter Vincent will be a child molester.

17. Amy, you ignorant slut. You could've been Jaime Murray Vampire's sub for all eternity! YOU COULD'VE HAD IT ALL!!!

18. Movie, don't tease me with Peter Vincent fortifying a strip club with pages from the Bible and then don't follow through by having vampires attack.

19. CHEST TATTOO'S EYE VIEW.

20. Imagine if Jaime Murray's plan had worked. "I did it! I can walk in the sunlight! I can get a tan! Finally, I don't have to be so pale--wait... no, NO! I'M BRITISH!!!"