(no subject)

I suppose I should tag this unpopular opinions, but hear me out. A while ago, they announced Paul Feig, director of Bridesmaids and The Heat, would be doing a 'female James Bond' movie called Susan Cooper (I'd make a The Dark Is Rising joke, but nothing I could say would be funnier than the actual movie of The Dark Is Rising). And I was excited, for about a week, and then it came out that they want Melissa McCarthy to the lead, so it'll be a "ha ha, it's funny that she can sleep with a lot of hot dudes and beat up scary guys because really she's short and fat" movie like Paul Blart: Mall Cop instead of something played straight.

And, y'know, I knew a big comedy director wasn't about to stop and do a gritty, R-rated action movie, but... Attack The Block was a horror-comedy, but Moses was still a badass black hero. They didn't get Marlon Wayans to go "OH MY GOD MONSTERS ARE SCARY HLEP ME BLACK JESUS!" Y'know, I thought we could get Rachel Weisz or someone, put her in a cool pantsuit, have her shoot a lot of guys and make out with a lot of dudes, and then there could also be jokes. Like The Mummy. That was both a serious adventure and a fun comedy.

It's just that this "female James Bond" archetype only ever shows up in parodies. I even read a Jane Bond book, which is about James' lesbian cousin, and it was just a dull "lol spies" thing. Fuck that, I want a chick Bond who skies while pursued by other skiers with guns and blows up helicopters with her watch and leads a ninja assault on a volcano rocket base. Because it's not as if the idea of a woman fucking a lot and killing a bunch is some inherently ridiculous idea, like Steve Guttenberg being a cop. I mean, did you see Skyfall? First scene, James Bond gets shot off a moving train, falls a hundred feet into water that's probably not room temperature, next time we see him he's banging a random chick. What, just because he has a johnson, that's believable?