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Let us speak of GI Joe: Retaliation
Mar. 28th, 2013 03:50 pm-So, as it turns out, they didn’t reshoot the film to add more Channing Tatum (a “re-C-Tate” in biz lingo), because he still dies. Doesn’t end up in a coma or anything, just gets blown the fuck up. So basically they delayed a movie people were actually looking forward to for an entire year just to cut out all the characterization stuff and make it crappy 3D. Good job, Hasbro, well-done.
-Seriously, the Rock plays Roadblock, Adrianne Palicki plays Lady Jaye, and some dude plays Flint or Flynn? I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THAT’S HIS CODENAME. I mean, Roadblock—he’s a big guy. Lady Jaye—she’s a lady. Why is he Flynn? Is he really in? Is he a big Tron fan? His only distinguishing characteristics seem to be that he thinks Adrianne Palicki is hot (and c’mon, who doesn’t?) and that he does Parkour a few times. So wouldn’t a better codename be something like ‘Free-Run’ or ‘that first bad guy in Casino Royale’ or ‘Parkour Douche’?
-Someone must’ve realized giving Adrianne Palicki three separate “OH NO SHE’S HOT” scenes would look sexist, so Storm Shadow pretty much spends the entire movie with his shirt off. And not dead.
-They took out a lot of the dumber stuff from Rise of Cobra (mech suits, Brain-Wash Baroness, Date-Rape Destro), but didn’t really replace it with much. Some of the sense of fun is just… missing. Sure, people escaping via jet-pack and having huge undersea battles in RoC weren’t exactly executed well, but they pulled off the right atmosphere (“The world’s in danger? Sure, perfect time for a training montage WHICH IS ALSO a recruitment test. You passed. Now for a speech from Dennis Quaid!”). This is a bit more generic in comparison, or at least as generic as a movie can be when the Rock says “Damn ninjas!”
-The RZA plays, I think it was the Soft Master? This Japanese sensei who trained Snake Eyes. Which is surprisingly progressive, considering traditional Japanese views on foreigners and black people—and I figure you have to be pretty conservative to favor throwing stars over machine guns. Then again, they’re ninjas. Maybe the true ninja magic isn’t vanishing in a puff of smoke—it’s EQUALITY. Also, he delivers 90% of the exposition. “SNAKE EYES, YOU HAVE A GIRL NINJA SIDEKICK NOW AND STORM SHADOW IS ALIVE AGAIN AND HE’S GOING TO A NINJA SPA FULL OF EVIL NINJAS AND YOU HAVE TO GET HIM BECAUSE OUR PLAN IS COUNTING ON THE FACT THAT EVIL NINJAS ARE SURPRISINGLY EASY TO INTERROGATE.” I don’t know, I barely remember all this ninja stuff from the comics, just that at one point there was an entire ninja UNIT of G.I. Joe and that was so lame. Like the X-Men having an All-Wolverine Squad (wait… Wolverine, Daken, X-23… shit, they have that now, don’t they?). But it just seems like GI Joe happens to have its own ninja clan.
-Walton Goggins in this as, basically, the warden of sci-fi Gitmo. And yes, I do want to see a whole movie about him. I pretty much always want to see a whole movie about any character Walton Goggins plays. Even when he played a white supremacist rapist in Predators. Take out the rape jokes and you’ve got Justified, so there, my instincts are correct.
-I can’t believe they cast an actual pro wrestler as Roadblock and didn’t do a joke about Sergeant Slaughter being a member of GI Joe. I mean, c’mon, it was right there!
-Considering Cobra in the comics and cartoon and all has everyone down to an accountant in a birdsuit, they’re really stingy on henchmen here. Bruce Willis and Adrianne Palicki end up facing off with a dickhead Secret Service agent. It wasn’t until pretty much the end that I realized our heavy was supposed to be Firefly. I can see how they almost tried to amp him up—I remember reading that he was supposed to be an ex-Joe, so there’d be a betrayal angle—but we never see him even participate in the mass slaughter of the Joes, so there’s no real catharsis in his take-down.
-Speaking of Palicki, she’s been in this, Red Dawn, and she was almost Wonder Woman. I realize that’s not batting a thousand, but still, I nominate her for probationary member of the Ladypendables. C’mon, Hollywood, don’t make her start doing romantic comedies. Let her pretend to shoot people for a living.
-So I guess Dennis Quaid is out and Bruce Willis is in? I guess that’s a fair trade. Still, I’ll miss you, Quaid. You’re like a Harrison Ford who still cares.
-Seriously, the Rock plays Roadblock, Adrianne Palicki plays Lady Jaye, and some dude plays Flint or Flynn? I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THAT’S HIS CODENAME. I mean, Roadblock—he’s a big guy. Lady Jaye—she’s a lady. Why is he Flynn? Is he really in? Is he a big Tron fan? His only distinguishing characteristics seem to be that he thinks Adrianne Palicki is hot (and c’mon, who doesn’t?) and that he does Parkour a few times. So wouldn’t a better codename be something like ‘Free-Run’ or ‘that first bad guy in Casino Royale’ or ‘Parkour Douche’?
-Someone must’ve realized giving Adrianne Palicki three separate “OH NO SHE’S HOT” scenes would look sexist, so Storm Shadow pretty much spends the entire movie with his shirt off. And not dead.
-They took out a lot of the dumber stuff from Rise of Cobra (mech suits, Brain-Wash Baroness, Date-Rape Destro), but didn’t really replace it with much. Some of the sense of fun is just… missing. Sure, people escaping via jet-pack and having huge undersea battles in RoC weren’t exactly executed well, but they pulled off the right atmosphere (“The world’s in danger? Sure, perfect time for a training montage WHICH IS ALSO a recruitment test. You passed. Now for a speech from Dennis Quaid!”). This is a bit more generic in comparison, or at least as generic as a movie can be when the Rock says “Damn ninjas!”
-The RZA plays, I think it was the Soft Master? This Japanese sensei who trained Snake Eyes. Which is surprisingly progressive, considering traditional Japanese views on foreigners and black people—and I figure you have to be pretty conservative to favor throwing stars over machine guns. Then again, they’re ninjas. Maybe the true ninja magic isn’t vanishing in a puff of smoke—it’s EQUALITY. Also, he delivers 90% of the exposition. “SNAKE EYES, YOU HAVE A GIRL NINJA SIDEKICK NOW AND STORM SHADOW IS ALIVE AGAIN AND HE’S GOING TO A NINJA SPA FULL OF EVIL NINJAS AND YOU HAVE TO GET HIM BECAUSE OUR PLAN IS COUNTING ON THE FACT THAT EVIL NINJAS ARE SURPRISINGLY EASY TO INTERROGATE.” I don’t know, I barely remember all this ninja stuff from the comics, just that at one point there was an entire ninja UNIT of G.I. Joe and that was so lame. Like the X-Men having an All-Wolverine Squad (wait… Wolverine, Daken, X-23… shit, they have that now, don’t they?). But it just seems like GI Joe happens to have its own ninja clan.
-Walton Goggins in this as, basically, the warden of sci-fi Gitmo. And yes, I do want to see a whole movie about him. I pretty much always want to see a whole movie about any character Walton Goggins plays. Even when he played a white supremacist rapist in Predators. Take out the rape jokes and you’ve got Justified, so there, my instincts are correct.
-I can’t believe they cast an actual pro wrestler as Roadblock and didn’t do a joke about Sergeant Slaughter being a member of GI Joe. I mean, c’mon, it was right there!
-Considering Cobra in the comics and cartoon and all has everyone down to an accountant in a birdsuit, they’re really stingy on henchmen here. Bruce Willis and Adrianne Palicki end up facing off with a dickhead Secret Service agent. It wasn’t until pretty much the end that I realized our heavy was supposed to be Firefly. I can see how they almost tried to amp him up—I remember reading that he was supposed to be an ex-Joe, so there’d be a betrayal angle—but we never see him even participate in the mass slaughter of the Joes, so there’s no real catharsis in his take-down.
-Speaking of Palicki, she’s been in this, Red Dawn, and she was almost Wonder Woman. I realize that’s not batting a thousand, but still, I nominate her for probationary member of the Ladypendables. C’mon, Hollywood, don’t make her start doing romantic comedies. Let her pretend to shoot people for a living.
-So I guess Dennis Quaid is out and Bruce Willis is in? I guess that’s a fair trade. Still, I’ll miss you, Quaid. You’re like a Harrison Ford who still cares.
