Khal Drogo is a superhero now.

Man, they are casting this Guardians of the Galaxy thing right down the line. James Gunn as director, cool choice, then Chris Pratt as Star-Lord… the character came off as a bit of a dowdy cypher in the comics, y’know, just a studly broody leader dude, so casting one of the more charismatic performers in Hollywood totally works for me. I mean, I couldn’t see Pratt as one of the really iconic heroes like Iron Man or Captain America, but as a character that has to be sold to audiences—yeah. Bang-on.

And now Jason Momoa, I mean, I was worried about that guy. He was actually pretty good in Conan and even as the heavy in Bullet To The Head, but the movies weren’t all that good. I’m sure there were like ten “hilarious family films” with his name on ‘em where he plays “against type” and “shows his range” as a CIA operative who has to babysit kids, or a hockey player who has to babysit kids, or a The Rock who has to babysit kids (INCEPTION). So, congrats on avoiding that, keep being in R-rated movies where you hit people with axes. I mean, as a comic book movie, technically this is him doing one for the kiddies, and he’s still playing a guy named Drax the Destroyer. Well-played.

Now can we get some good roles for Jai Courtney? The guy’s like a Sam Worthington who can act, he’s paid his dues as a bad guy in a Tom Cruise movie and the sidekick in a Bruce Willis movie, now let’s give him something where he gets to make the badass one-liners. C’mon, it’s Vaaro!

ETA: I heard Isaiah Mustafa was up for it too, but c’mon; let him play Luke Cage. Don’t make him play Green Lantern when he’s meant to be the Flash. That never works, RYAN REYNOLDS.

What if Beautiful Creatures were five minutes long?

ETHAN: Hello, I'm Ethan, I'll be your narrator this evening. I have dreams where I'm my own ancestor fighting in the Civil War, so there'll be some bullshit reincarnated love thing in this. Wait, does this mean I fucked my own great-great-grandmother? Weird. Anyway, I live in Gatlin, where America stores its stereotypes about everything south of the Mason-Dixie line. I really hate that there's no Starbucks in town and the movie theater misspells the names of movies, even though in any other film, that would be a sign of charming quaintness. But don't worry, I have a plan to save this town by making it legal to dance! (beat) What do you mean, they already remade Flashdance? This movie is over two hours long, what am I supposed to do for all that time?

LENA: Me! I'm a mysterious, dangerous stranger who you find yourself inordinately drawn to. I also belong to a family of paranormal creatures!

ETHAN: Wow, this thing is really not being subtle about being a gender-swapped Twilight, is it?

LENA: Ever since 50 Shades of Gray, you get to admit that you're just writing Twilight fanfic. It saves a lot of time.

Lena and Ethan go to class where the teacher has an eyepatch, which is the one thing in the movie that doesn't have a backstory stretching back hundreds of years, despite being the most interesting.

TEACHER: And who are you, miss?

ETHAN'S EX-GIRLFRIEND: Her name's Ravenwood.

LENA: SHUT YOUR HOLE, YOU FUCKING CUNT-HO!

AUDIENCE: So, are we supposed to take Lena's side in this conflict even though she completely started it?

MOVIE: Yes. Ethan's ex-girlfriend Emily really is a fucking cunt-ho.

Intrigued by Lena and her obvious psychopathy, Ethan goes to visit Lena and runs into SOUTHERN JEREMY IRONS, who magically makes him recite a long, traumatic monologue about committing suicide. He is one of the GOOD GUYS.

LENA: Well, any rational person would take that as a sign to stay away. You?

ETHAN: Nah, I'm a teenage boy with a hard-on.

LENA: I'm also telling you to leave.

ETHAN: I won't.

She's charmed by this, because in a LOVE STORY, not respecting a woman's boundaries makes you the HERO.

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