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Warning: Do not attempt this at home. I am a trained professional and see these movies for free. Do not spend money on this cynical attempt to exploit the teenage girls of America. Consider donating your money. There are children in Africa who have never seen The Avengers.
I can't wait for ten years from now, when Breaking Dawn Part 2: The Spawning can finally get the reception it deserves. Thirtysomething women, long having come to their senses, will look at a holographic Nostalgia Chick or a version of Rifftrax that beams directly into your brain, and realize... this shit was fucking crazy.
Not that teenage girls watch Twilight anymore. Trust me, I work at a theater, it's been wall-to-wall middle-aged women (and you'd think a bunch of mom would leave a cleaner theater...). And a surprising amount of men. I can only assume they were there for the same reason I was; to see just how bugfuck crazy this Mormon lady could get once freed of the need to keep the "brand" alive. (But, fellas, c'mon, you could've waited for Redbox. Right now, in theaters, there's a great movie showing the accomplishments of one of the noblest men in history. And if you don't like James Bond, there's also a movie about Abe Lincoln).
So, just to help you wait for Redbox a little longer, I'm going to give you a little primer on this shit. Because... THIS. SHIT.
1. Lee Pace shows up as a scruffy vampire who I think ends up seducing twin sister vampires. Good. The entertainment industry owes him for canceling Pushing Daises.
2. In fact, as it turns out, pretty much EVERY VAMPIRE IN THE WORLD is cooler and more interesting than the Cullens, who pal around in JC Penney wear as their allies strut around in black leather and tribal outfits and... more tribal outfits (this movie has all the ethnic diversity of the Claremont X-Men, with far less experience with actual minorities).
3. First five minutes: Bella Spider-Mans up a cliff in an attempt to drink the blood of a random mountain climber. Yes. YES.
4. Bella's daughter, Reneesmee (Bella is chagrined when she hears Jacob has nicknamed her Nessie. Yeah, wouldn't it be awful to have a ridiculous name like that...), shows up as a CGI baby. She doesn't, like, bite people or fly. It's just a CGI baby that people are holding. On final thought, I have to praise Breaking Dawn for taking pity on some unsuspecting baby and not forcing her to be in Breaking Dawn. Growing up is hard on everyone; I can only imagine how bad it'd be for whoever played Baby Reneesmee in Breaking Dawn.
5. Bella Swan has a sparkly orgasm on-screen.
6. The final battle is pretty good, even if breaks with Marvel 'What If?' tradition to not show any of the Big Three die in an imaginary (read: cop-out) battle.
7. Cameron Bright and Dakota Fanning are part of the Voltari, making it the one evil organization that employs as many former child stars as Division in Nikita.
8. At this point in the series, the movie characters have become self-aware and know EXACTLY how ridiculous this shit is. When they find out that Jacob has imprinted on Reneesmee, instead of being concerned, the group consensus is "I can't wait to see the look on Bella's face when she finds out!"
9. Moustache Dad is back! And getting hit on by Taylor Lautner!
10. This movie seriously thinks it's Return of the King, because the end-credits list everyone who's ever shown up in these crazy movies, with a little snippet of footage. Our girl Anna Kendricks out-acts everyone else in this mess for her three seconds of archival screen time.
ETA: Bonus round: To show off how evil the Voltari are (since pretty much everyone on both sides of the conflict, except the Cullens, are people-snarking FUCKING VAMPIRES), they pitch a baby into a bonfire on-screen. It's an evil fucking vampire baby, but still. Thirteen-year-old girls, look where this Team Edward crap got ya.
I can't wait for ten years from now, when Breaking Dawn Part 2: The Spawning can finally get the reception it deserves. Thirtysomething women, long having come to their senses, will look at a holographic Nostalgia Chick or a version of Rifftrax that beams directly into your brain, and realize... this shit was fucking crazy.
Not that teenage girls watch Twilight anymore. Trust me, I work at a theater, it's been wall-to-wall middle-aged women (and you'd think a bunch of mom would leave a cleaner theater...). And a surprising amount of men. I can only assume they were there for the same reason I was; to see just how bugfuck crazy this Mormon lady could get once freed of the need to keep the "brand" alive. (But, fellas, c'mon, you could've waited for Redbox. Right now, in theaters, there's a great movie showing the accomplishments of one of the noblest men in history. And if you don't like James Bond, there's also a movie about Abe Lincoln).
So, just to help you wait for Redbox a little longer, I'm going to give you a little primer on this shit. Because... THIS. SHIT.
1. Lee Pace shows up as a scruffy vampire who I think ends up seducing twin sister vampires. Good. The entertainment industry owes him for canceling Pushing Daises.
2. In fact, as it turns out, pretty much EVERY VAMPIRE IN THE WORLD is cooler and more interesting than the Cullens, who pal around in JC Penney wear as their allies strut around in black leather and tribal outfits and... more tribal outfits (this movie has all the ethnic diversity of the Claremont X-Men, with far less experience with actual minorities).
3. First five minutes: Bella Spider-Mans up a cliff in an attempt to drink the blood of a random mountain climber. Yes. YES.
4. Bella's daughter, Reneesmee (Bella is chagrined when she hears Jacob has nicknamed her Nessie. Yeah, wouldn't it be awful to have a ridiculous name like that...), shows up as a CGI baby. She doesn't, like, bite people or fly. It's just a CGI baby that people are holding. On final thought, I have to praise Breaking Dawn for taking pity on some unsuspecting baby and not forcing her to be in Breaking Dawn. Growing up is hard on everyone; I can only imagine how bad it'd be for whoever played Baby Reneesmee in Breaking Dawn.
5. Bella Swan has a sparkly orgasm on-screen.
6. The final battle is pretty good, even if breaks with Marvel 'What If?' tradition to not show any of the Big Three die in an imaginary (read: cop-out) battle.
7. Cameron Bright and Dakota Fanning are part of the Voltari, making it the one evil organization that employs as many former child stars as Division in Nikita.
8. At this point in the series, the movie characters have become self-aware and know EXACTLY how ridiculous this shit is. When they find out that Jacob has imprinted on Reneesmee, instead of being concerned, the group consensus is "I can't wait to see the look on Bella's face when she finds out!"
9. Moustache Dad is back! And getting hit on by Taylor Lautner!
10. This movie seriously thinks it's Return of the King, because the end-credits list everyone who's ever shown up in these crazy movies, with a little snippet of footage. Our girl Anna Kendricks out-acts everyone else in this mess for her three seconds of archival screen time.
ETA: Bonus round: To show off how evil the Voltari are (since pretty much everyone on both sides of the conflict, except the Cullens, are people-snarking FUCKING VAMPIRES), they pitch a baby into a bonfire on-screen. It's an evil fucking vampire baby, but still. Thirteen-year-old girls, look where this Team Edward crap got ya.
