Arthur Christmas

I think they misjudged how much the audience would sympathize with a guy who's unappreciated because his dad is an assy gloryhound (but the guy himself is scary-competent) versus a guy who's unappreciated because he's a total fuck-up. It's pretty much the Thor/Loki situation from Thor, only this time, the fangirls are right about Loki being an unjustly persecuted saint and Thor being daddy's little girl.

(Yeah, I'm not sure how Thor the movie was about "Loki saving Asgard from Thor's warmongering" when Thor the hottie was responding (in an admittedly heavy-handed manner) to enemies breaking into a secure facility and killing guards. If Chinese nationals busted into the Pentagon and killed some Marines in the process, would even Taft, jokiest of all the presidents, just go "well, we stopped them, no reprisals or investigation at all!" Anyone who did would be impeached so fast the Oval Office would spin, and rightly so.)

It probably doesn't help that Steve is played by Hugh Laurie. The character is a gift-wrapped woobie of fangirl Kryptonite.

Also, before the movie, there's a Justin Bieber music video about J-Bieb (?) and his band of multiethnic Christmas elves building robot dancers (and yet, everyone does the robot) with steampunk technology. I don't mind that shit during the credits, when you can leave, but before the movie it's the most obnoxious unskippable cutscene ever seen aside from the Metal Gear Solid series. Have you ever seen Justin Bieber? There's just something unwholesome about seeing an adolescent boy who looks like a twenty-something lesbian try to be a black guy. Other than that, the music video ruins the song 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,' the steampunk aesthetic, and dancing.

Bond. James Bond

I've been on a bit of a Bond kick lately, since my library has a number of the John Gardner novels in stock and they came out with a new Goldeneye (not like the old new Goldeneye, where it has nothing to do with Goldeneye and this is a new guy who like has a robot eye that's colored gold? Or something? Jesus...). And it seems as if the new movie has most of the classic Bond roles filled, if Naomie Harris is going to turn out to be Moneypenny. Well, good on them. As refreshing as Casino Royale was, a Bond movie without the Bond crew is like a Spider-Man movie without the Daily Bugle or Mary-Jane Watson (wait, they're doing what?).

I've made a few comments over who I would've dream-casted in the roles, so hell, why not put them in one place?

Richard Ayoade as Q



As I pointed out a few months back, one of the problems with making Moneypenny a black woman is that you're making the secretary who even James Bond won't fuck into your main PoC. Even with the best intentions, it's Martha Jones all over again. But having Q, the brilliant inventor, be black? That's actually semi-responsible even.

I saw around the internet a suggestion that Ralph Fiennes play a sociopathic Q who's unfit for fieldwork, so they stick him in Q Department. That's a bit too grim and gritty for my tastes, because c'mon, Lord Voldemort as Major Boothroyd? God. But having Ayoade!Q be a bit too into his work would be okay for comedic purposes. After all, someone who spends all day thinking up flamethrower shoes can't be all that right in the head and wacky exasperation with 007's antics was Llewelyn's thing.

Catherine Tate as Moneypenny



Yeah, you knew I was going to use that picture. It'd just be fun to have Tate around as the woman who won't screw around with Bond, just because they're not that into each other. I guess that's what their old dynamic was, but they played it too far and ended up making Moneypenny a little pathetic? I mean, the 30th time you jokingly ask someone out, it comes off as desperate.

I guess conventional wisdom would be to make Moneypenny a lesbian, but I feel like that's a bridge too far. A "gay Jimmy Olsen," if you will. (Besides, if you want a gay woman in James Bond, it should be Kate Beckinsale as 005, Bond's partner who competes with him for the Bond girl du jour, as seen in the screenplay I wrote when I was 18, Diamonds Are For Murder.) Just have her be a woman who doesn't want to get involved with a super-damaged-goods, almost-dies-every-day, functional alcoholic with admittedly nice abs. There must be some out there. They can still tease each other, and hey, with Tate it'll actually be funny instead of "hey, they're really talking about penises. On with the movie."

Michael Caine as M

No picture. You should know what Michael Caine looks like by now.

Nothing against Dame Judi Dench, she's a Dame after all, but given the "no sacred cows" attitude of the Craig era, it'd make sense for her to leave, since at this point she's a loving mother figure to Bond. Yeah, lotta conflict there. Don't fridge her, but say she takes the hit for a mission gone bad and retires. It makes things personal for Bond in an organic way, better than killing off yet another of his friends. He's not in it for revenge, he's out to vindicate his friend's good name, so now he's motivated and he can take a moment to seduce the woman in the cast with the most ridiculous name.

So here's where Caine comes in, playing the new M... someone a bit closer to the Ian Fleming one. I'd picture him as an old 00 agent who's worked his way up the ranks--basically, the Sean Connery Bond if he'd aged in real time, so he can give monologues about the dangers of a revitalized SMERSH or whatever. You could have him be the mentor or someone who comes down hard on Bond, or both. Plus, Michael Caine ordering Daniel Craig to go kill someone would be the most badass British thing to happen since someone actually named Benedict Cumberbatch was cast to play Sherlock Holmes. Nothing that British will happen again until Imogen Poots is cast as the Doctor in 2020... but perhaps I've said too much...