![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Oh Traveling Vampire Show no
Nov. 9th, 2011 12:12 pmGood god, this book. As if it's not enough that Richard Laymon is clearly Dr. Light's pen name (additional rapist characters since last update: childhood bullies who want forced oral sex, identical twin kidnappers who will straight up pull young girls into their car, and the protagonist's best friend is an incestuous rapist. OH RICHARD LAYMON NO), this book is clearly just a short story stretched out into a novel. You can tell because absolutely nothing happens for the first three hundred pages, which is when they get to the Traveling Vampire Show. Absolutely all necessary information could be conveyed in five pages as they walk into the Traveling Vampire Show.
So, what happens for those first three hundred pages? The characters have their own personality trait hammered into everyone's minds (Rusty is a pervert, Slim is hot, Dwight is a pervert but not as much a pervert as Rusty but seriously he pictures Slim naked all the time, Lee is cool and she doesn't wear socks, Betsy is as much a pervert as Rusty and Dwight but she's a girl so it's creepy) and over and over again, someone goes missing, the rest panic, and then it turns out they just went next door for a cup of sugar or something. By the fiftieth time this happened, I was screaming at the page "Invent cell phones already, you fuckers!" I'm serious, there are more rational explanations in this book than the entire series of Lost. It's like an episode of Scooby Doo without a talking dog or weed. "Jinkies, I guess Lee just went next door, she wasn't kidnapped by a vampire at all. I should've probably known that, since I'm seventeen goddamn years old, but apparently in the fifties, teenagers had the logic skills of preschoolers."
Trust me, I'm a writer, I can see the stretch marks on this thing. The identical twin rapists I mentioned? They have nothing to do with the story. There's a long flashback introducing them, then the heroes run into them at the Traveling Vampire Show. I love this scene. Dwight, hero that he is, slashes their tires. And what does he do next, knowing the scumbags who almost molested his girlfriend are pinned down? Does he get help? Call the cops? Organize a lynch mob? No! He goes to watch the Traveling Vampire Show. Great priorities, kid.
But don't worry, it turns out that Slim, 16-year-old girl that she is, is able to sneak up on them and slit their throats, just like she did to her abusive father. Because rape gives you superpowers. This is all mentioned completely in passing and has nothing to do with vampires. PAAAAAAAADDING.
So anyway, they go in to see the Traveling Vampire Show, since catching the Winkerrape Twins can wait, and things actually happen. There's, like, this really hot vampire and she's totally evil because she enjoys sex and she's into chicks and stuff. And she wrestles guys from the audience for blood. Apparently, this is supposed to go on for several hours and that's the show. I don't know, I think after a few hours, I'd get bored of any woman, no matter how beautiful or scantily-clad, prancing around and drinking people's blood. Maybe she could do a vampire soliloquy? The Vagina Dentata Monologue, perhaps?
Rusty turns out to be raping his sister--so I guess the whole thing with him basically just being a more honest version of Dwight, whose every other thought is of sneaking a peek at nipples, goes nowhere. I mean, I thought there would be some indicting going on to justify the sheer amount of time that Richard Laymon the author goes on about how attractive a teenage girl is (seriously, it gets to the point where you can't ignore that this is being written by a 40-year-old neckbeard, and yes, I've seen pictures of him, he doesn't have a beard, still a neckbeard). But nope, it's sort of a Nice Guy apologia. "Hey, I may objectify women (which they not-so-secretly enjoy and encourage, take the 40-year-old male author's word for it), but at least I don't rape my sister!" Yeah, yeah, here's your prize, you Achilles among men.
And that's it. They run into trouble with the vampires, Rambo their way out after a completely gratuitous vampire catfight (yes, I'm complaining), and kill like a dozen people, which is a bit weird coming on the heels of three hundred pages of "A Boy And His Dog" childhood adventure. It's like if Old Yeller ended with someone racing Vin Diesel in a Mazda.
Although, this book does include the biggest understatement ever put to paper.
Dear Lee,
Sorry we missed you. We took three of the tickets and went on ahead. We figured we had better get there early and beat the crowd, as the parking has been known to get wierd (sic).
Oh, you mean the knife-fight gang-rape dead-baby riot two years ago? Yes. Weird would be the word for that. "Wierd" even.
So, what happens for those first three hundred pages? The characters have their own personality trait hammered into everyone's minds (Rusty is a pervert, Slim is hot, Dwight is a pervert but not as much a pervert as Rusty but seriously he pictures Slim naked all the time, Lee is cool and she doesn't wear socks, Betsy is as much a pervert as Rusty and Dwight but she's a girl so it's creepy) and over and over again, someone goes missing, the rest panic, and then it turns out they just went next door for a cup of sugar or something. By the fiftieth time this happened, I was screaming at the page "Invent cell phones already, you fuckers!" I'm serious, there are more rational explanations in this book than the entire series of Lost. It's like an episode of Scooby Doo without a talking dog or weed. "Jinkies, I guess Lee just went next door, she wasn't kidnapped by a vampire at all. I should've probably known that, since I'm seventeen goddamn years old, but apparently in the fifties, teenagers had the logic skills of preschoolers."
Trust me, I'm a writer, I can see the stretch marks on this thing. The identical twin rapists I mentioned? They have nothing to do with the story. There's a long flashback introducing them, then the heroes run into them at the Traveling Vampire Show. I love this scene. Dwight, hero that he is, slashes their tires. And what does he do next, knowing the scumbags who almost molested his girlfriend are pinned down? Does he get help? Call the cops? Organize a lynch mob? No! He goes to watch the Traveling Vampire Show. Great priorities, kid.
But don't worry, it turns out that Slim, 16-year-old girl that she is, is able to sneak up on them and slit their throats, just like she did to her abusive father. Because rape gives you superpowers. This is all mentioned completely in passing and has nothing to do with vampires. PAAAAAAAADDING.
So anyway, they go in to see the Traveling Vampire Show, since catching the Winkerrape Twins can wait, and things actually happen. There's, like, this really hot vampire and she's totally evil because she enjoys sex and she's into chicks and stuff. And she wrestles guys from the audience for blood. Apparently, this is supposed to go on for several hours and that's the show. I don't know, I think after a few hours, I'd get bored of any woman, no matter how beautiful or scantily-clad, prancing around and drinking people's blood. Maybe she could do a vampire soliloquy? The Vagina Dentata Monologue, perhaps?
Rusty turns out to be raping his sister--so I guess the whole thing with him basically just being a more honest version of Dwight, whose every other thought is of sneaking a peek at nipples, goes nowhere. I mean, I thought there would be some indicting going on to justify the sheer amount of time that Richard Laymon the author goes on about how attractive a teenage girl is (seriously, it gets to the point where you can't ignore that this is being written by a 40-year-old neckbeard, and yes, I've seen pictures of him, he doesn't have a beard, still a neckbeard). But nope, it's sort of a Nice Guy apologia. "Hey, I may objectify women (which they not-so-secretly enjoy and encourage, take the 40-year-old male author's word for it), but at least I don't rape my sister!" Yeah, yeah, here's your prize, you Achilles among men.
And that's it. They run into trouble with the vampires, Rambo their way out after a completely gratuitous vampire catfight (yes, I'm complaining), and kill like a dozen people, which is a bit weird coming on the heels of three hundred pages of "A Boy And His Dog" childhood adventure. It's like if Old Yeller ended with someone racing Vin Diesel in a Mazda.
Although, this book does include the biggest understatement ever put to paper.
Dear Lee,
Sorry we missed you. We took three of the tickets and went on ahead. We figured we had better get there early and beat the crowd, as the parking has been known to get wierd (sic).
Oh, you mean the knife-fight gang-rape dead-baby riot two years ago? Yes. Weird would be the word for that. "Wierd" even.
