![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then
May. 30th, 2011 03:37 amSo, smoked reefer for the first time tonight (I know, I know, I'm a disgrace to Austin). Not all Harold and Kumar made it out to be. I'm not sure if I was even doing it right. I mean, I inhaled like I was never going to run for President, but I might as well have been smoking oregano. I think my bro might've pulled some weird anti-drug message on me. I don't think I even got the munchies. I mean, I ate one of those half-pints of ice cream, but motherfucker, I would've done that anyway.
Anyway, maybe it was the movie I watched with my brother. See, I was under the impression you watched bad movies while stoned, and hell, Nicolas Cage, so Sorcerer's Apprentice it was. This movie was so bad, I think it unstoned me. It's, at the same time, the most formulaic, paint-by-numbers, Campbellian bullshit you can imagine, yet the structure is so completely inept. There are, I think, four prologues? And one of them conveys information that I think is meant to come as a surprise later on.
Okay, plot. And I swear to you, I wasn't that high, this is the actual story. So Nicolas Cage, Monica Belucci, and Alfred Molina were all Merlin's apprentices, helping him fight Morgana, who is the ultimate evil. Cage and Belucci fell in love, so Molina got butthurt and betrayed them, helping Morgana kill Merlin. Then they all fought and Belucci beat Morgana by sucking in her soul, like, possessing herself? Then Cage locked her up like spam in a can (I don't know why he couldn't do that before his girlfriend went all Three Faces of Eve).
But Cage didn't use just any old prison. Even though he's an English wizard, he invented a Russian nesting doll and imprisoned every dark wizard ("Morganian") he found, so it's layered with Morgana/Belucci at the bottom and another dude on top and so on, with Molina on the top level. There's one person who can kill Morgana, and that's the Prime Merlinian (I heard this as Prime Meridian for most of the movie). So Cage starts searching for the Prime Merlinian, who will be able to wear this dragon ring that looks like something you can order from the backpage of Wizard magazine. As Cage spends a thousand years looking for Prime, we get ten goofy Nic Cage hairstyles in about ten seconds. It's all downhill from there.
Then it turns out that Jay Burechel is the Chosen One, so fuck you, people who like enunciation! I'm serious, the guys talks like Christian Slater if you slapped him. A lot. And he's the wussiest, pussiest reluctant hero ever. I mean it, for a self-proclaimed nerd, he's really slow to want to become a superhero. I mean, dude, why do you want a normal life, we've established your normal life sucks?
And there's this incredible bullshit, which here it comes. The magic in the movie is really super-science. See, wizards use 100% of their brain, not just 10%, so they can use telekinesis to do physics stuff. Like... raising the dead. And turning a picture of wolves into real-life wolves. This prompted a sibling cry of "PHYSICS!" every time something egregiously bullshit happened. Which was often. When someone who reads comic books for a hobby calls bullshit on your bullshit science, you done goofed.
Okay, so the Chosen One accidentally unleashes Doc Ock from the doll, and then both sides are trying to get the doll so they can stop/continue unleashing Morganians. Only even when Doc Ock has the doll for a good long while, he never just unleashes everyone so they can all gang up on Nic Cage. Remember, the premise of the movie is that Cage has already defeated all these assholes. And I'm including Doc Ock in that. He fights Cage, like, seven times in this movie and every time he gets his ass kicked. Only Cage never finishes the job, even though it's established later on that there are multiple ways to depower a wizard (since I guess Cage is too squeamish to just kill a guy. I mean, hey, medieval England, where he grew up, big on the sanctity of life, right?). There's even a time when Doc Ock has him dead to rights and just, like, wanders off.
Oh, and there's one time when Doc Ock does the "You don't need to see my identification" routine, not those exact words obviously, and then his sidekick (this Criss Angel type who is helping him destroy the world even though he's already rich and famous, so...) says "You don't need to see my identification" word-for-word. Yeah, we got the reference, asshole, it's only the most popular movie ever. Stranger bitch.
And then, like, three-quarters of the way through the movie, Doc Ock says he can steal other wizards' mojo (since otherwise he wouldn't be any threat to Nic Cage), so he just steals Criss Angel's shit. And he brings a creepy little kid out of doll for three minutes before he steals her shit. Did I mention the little kid is from Salem? Yeah, that's right, the Salem witch trials were entirely justified because there really were evil witches there, according to this movie. And they're justifying a historical atrocity for a character who's in the movie three minutes.
Also, that makes two female characters who spend 90% of the movie locked up in a Russian nesting doll, one mini-villain who's on-screen for three minutes and doesn't even get a fight scene, and a blonde who has sex with Jay Burechel. Really, Disney? Really?
So then at the end of the movie (where they're casting a big special effects-y evil spell that none of the Muggles can see, unlike all the other spells in the movie), Morgana is out, so Nicolas Cage takes her spirit out of Monica Belucci and into himself and tells Jay Burechel (who is kinda like the Shia LeBeouf's Shia LeBeouf, isn't he?) to kill him, but he doesn't do it, so Morgana comes out of him and turns into a smoke monster just like Voldemort. So that was an important moral dilemma. And Morgana blasts Nicolas Cage with a plasma bolt and unlike all the other 90 plasma bolts in the movie, it's fatal, but then Jay Burechel brings him back to life by shooting him with some more plasma bolts and then he asks his girl to fly to Paris with him on a metal eagle that Nic Cage brought to life, even though it can only go like forty miles per hour and so it would take them months to get to Paris, and there's a sequel tease because Doc Ock got away, and even though they made this big plot point deal out of how a wizard will lose his powers if he gets electrocuted in a pool of water, that never happens to anyone or even gets threatened or anything, and man, this music is fucking awesome!
Anyway, maybe it was the movie I watched with my brother. See, I was under the impression you watched bad movies while stoned, and hell, Nicolas Cage, so Sorcerer's Apprentice it was. This movie was so bad, I think it unstoned me. It's, at the same time, the most formulaic, paint-by-numbers, Campbellian bullshit you can imagine, yet the structure is so completely inept. There are, I think, four prologues? And one of them conveys information that I think is meant to come as a surprise later on.
Okay, plot. And I swear to you, I wasn't that high, this is the actual story. So Nicolas Cage, Monica Belucci, and Alfred Molina were all Merlin's apprentices, helping him fight Morgana, who is the ultimate evil. Cage and Belucci fell in love, so Molina got butthurt and betrayed them, helping Morgana kill Merlin. Then they all fought and Belucci beat Morgana by sucking in her soul, like, possessing herself? Then Cage locked her up like spam in a can (I don't know why he couldn't do that before his girlfriend went all Three Faces of Eve).
But Cage didn't use just any old prison. Even though he's an English wizard, he invented a Russian nesting doll and imprisoned every dark wizard ("Morganian") he found, so it's layered with Morgana/Belucci at the bottom and another dude on top and so on, with Molina on the top level. There's one person who can kill Morgana, and that's the Prime Merlinian (I heard this as Prime Meridian for most of the movie). So Cage starts searching for the Prime Merlinian, who will be able to wear this dragon ring that looks like something you can order from the backpage of Wizard magazine. As Cage spends a thousand years looking for Prime, we get ten goofy Nic Cage hairstyles in about ten seconds. It's all downhill from there.
Then it turns out that Jay Burechel is the Chosen One, so fuck you, people who like enunciation! I'm serious, the guys talks like Christian Slater if you slapped him. A lot. And he's the wussiest, pussiest reluctant hero ever. I mean it, for a self-proclaimed nerd, he's really slow to want to become a superhero. I mean, dude, why do you want a normal life, we've established your normal life sucks?
And there's this incredible bullshit, which here it comes. The magic in the movie is really super-science. See, wizards use 100% of their brain, not just 10%, so they can use telekinesis to do physics stuff. Like... raising the dead. And turning a picture of wolves into real-life wolves. This prompted a sibling cry of "PHYSICS!" every time something egregiously bullshit happened. Which was often. When someone who reads comic books for a hobby calls bullshit on your bullshit science, you done goofed.
Okay, so the Chosen One accidentally unleashes Doc Ock from the doll, and then both sides are trying to get the doll so they can stop/continue unleashing Morganians. Only even when Doc Ock has the doll for a good long while, he never just unleashes everyone so they can all gang up on Nic Cage. Remember, the premise of the movie is that Cage has already defeated all these assholes. And I'm including Doc Ock in that. He fights Cage, like, seven times in this movie and every time he gets his ass kicked. Only Cage never finishes the job, even though it's established later on that there are multiple ways to depower a wizard (since I guess Cage is too squeamish to just kill a guy. I mean, hey, medieval England, where he grew up, big on the sanctity of life, right?). There's even a time when Doc Ock has him dead to rights and just, like, wanders off.
Oh, and there's one time when Doc Ock does the "You don't need to see my identification" routine, not those exact words obviously, and then his sidekick (this Criss Angel type who is helping him destroy the world even though he's already rich and famous, so...) says "You don't need to see my identification" word-for-word. Yeah, we got the reference, asshole, it's only the most popular movie ever. Stranger bitch.
And then, like, three-quarters of the way through the movie, Doc Ock says he can steal other wizards' mojo (since otherwise he wouldn't be any threat to Nic Cage), so he just steals Criss Angel's shit. And he brings a creepy little kid out of doll for three minutes before he steals her shit. Did I mention the little kid is from Salem? Yeah, that's right, the Salem witch trials were entirely justified because there really were evil witches there, according to this movie. And they're justifying a historical atrocity for a character who's in the movie three minutes.
Also, that makes two female characters who spend 90% of the movie locked up in a Russian nesting doll, one mini-villain who's on-screen for three minutes and doesn't even get a fight scene, and a blonde who has sex with Jay Burechel. Really, Disney? Really?
So then at the end of the movie (where they're casting a big special effects-y evil spell that none of the Muggles can see, unlike all the other spells in the movie), Morgana is out, so Nicolas Cage takes her spirit out of Monica Belucci and into himself and tells Jay Burechel (who is kinda like the Shia LeBeouf's Shia LeBeouf, isn't he?) to kill him, but he doesn't do it, so Morgana comes out of him and turns into a smoke monster just like Voldemort. So that was an important moral dilemma. And Morgana blasts Nicolas Cage with a plasma bolt and unlike all the other 90 plasma bolts in the movie, it's fatal, but then Jay Burechel brings him back to life by shooting him with some more plasma bolts and then he asks his girl to fly to Paris with him on a metal eagle that Nic Cage brought to life, even though it can only go like forty miles per hour and so it would take them months to get to Paris, and there's a sequel tease because Doc Ock got away, and even though they made this big plot point deal out of how a wizard will lose his powers if he gets electrocuted in a pool of water, that never happens to anyone or even gets threatened or anything, and man, this music is fucking awesome!
