Getting the Green Goblin tattoo

If the girl with blue hair, a cut-off shirt, jogging shorts, high-heeled fishnet-stocking-boots up to her knees, and more tattoos than a Suicide Girl is questioning your life choices, it's time to go.

So in case you don't follow comics, that's Carlie Cooper, Spider-Man's girlfriend/magical adultery buddy, getting a tattoo of Spidey's racist, fascist, cop-killing arch-nemesis to piss off her boyfriend. Because she's gotten the-Jews-are-responsible-for-all-wars drunk (you know, the kinda drunk where the things you do and say have no connection to your underlying character and are completely random? PURPLE GIRAFFE 81!). It's offensive on so many levels that box_in_the_box has gotten to over a thousand words chronicling it, and we still haven't come up with a sufficient metaphor. "It's like an NYPD officer getting a tattoo of Osama bin Laden to piss off someone whose lover died on 9/11... if Osama was also a white supremacist? And abused one of the cop's best friends growing up? And was a Nielsen family and didn't watch Freakazoid?"

In case you were wondering, the entire thing is resolved when, off-panel, Carlie rethinks it and gets a tattoo of Spider-Man instead, proving that no drama can possibly overcome her protective aura of boring. That adds metafiction to the layers of offense, because seriously, last-minute second thoughts? That's like a thug getting the drop on James Bond and then not pulling the trigger because he decides to rethink his life and become a monk instead. Sure, it's not life or death, but Carlie is in the "relationship drama" arena of Spider-Man storytelling, so a conflict that high-stakes shouldn't just defuse like that if you know anything about plotting.

Anyway, I think from now on, we should use the term "getting the Green Goblin tattoo" to specify when a pairing has become so toxic that it feels morally wrong to ship them. Like, for instance, Blair and Chuck on Gossip Girl. But that's not what this post is about.

See, I've been thinking about hack storytelling (since it is, after all, my forte) and a revelation occurred to me. Relationships, like all drama, are born out of conflict. Not yelling-at-each-other or slap-across-the-face conflict (at least, not always), but simply the characters being different people, with different interests. To take an example from the greatest ship of all time, Big Barda and Scott Free, Barda's idea of a pleasant evening might be watching the big fight on HBO (and yelling at what they're doing wrong), while Scott's might be having a pleasant cup of tea (note to self: Martin Freeman as possible Scott Free?) and pondering how to get out of a straitjacket made of acid. Now, your average preteen fangirl or hack writer might say this means they're a terrible match, but the contrast makes them interesting. The fact that they're willing to compromise despite their obvious differences makes their relationship stronger, and we the audience can enjoy the irony that although on the outside they're very different, deep down, they're much more similar.


Just like Rizzoli and Isles, even though they are NOT A COUPLE AND ARE EXTREMELY HETEROSEXUAL. They just happen to end a speed dating session together, clinking their drinks, while a narrator calls them a perfect match, as many heterosexual female friends do.

Jesus, I'm still not over that.

Now, take a character like Carlie Cooper or Lana Lang from Smallville. These are characters that have no inner lives, they're created solely to be "perfect mates" for their respective heroes. And I know, I know, technically Big Barda was created as Scott's love interest and not because her awesomeness was so grand that it ripped right through the fourth wall and whacked Jack Kirby upside the head. But the difference is, Kirby was a good enough writer to see that Barda having a vastly different personality than Scott and being a strong character in her own right would make them a perfect match, while a hack writer creates a character that is just a female version of the hero. They have the same interests, they believe the same things, there's no conflict. The relationship is flat, with no obstacles to overcome. Only storytelling thrives on obstacles, so, since they're perfect for each other, the obstacles have to come from ridiculous plot machinations instead of arising organically from the characters.

So Lana and Clark will be kept apart because, say, she steals the Kryptonite power-suit that would allow her ex-boyfriend to live and can't get it off, or Peter and Carlie will be kept apart because she gets a Green Goblin tattoo. Or doesn't, because even a hack realizes that Peter would never go out with someone who has the modern-day equivalent of a swastika as a tramp stamp.

Remember how Carlie was angry at Peter for lying to her? That could create some good drama. It's organic, too... most of us would be upset if we caught someone lying to our face. But she's the perfect girlfriend, who has no character other than being perfect for him, so instead she backs down.

And that's hack writing for you.

Nikita fic: Die A Little Death (Alex/Amanda)

Title: Die A Little Death
Fandom: Nikita
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3,257
Characters/Pairings: Amanda/Alex, Nikita/Alex
Summary: Amanda has orders to kill Alex. But she's going to have some fun with her first.

( Call me Nikita. Beg Nikita to make you come. )

My God, what have I done? What have I done for the lulz?

So I posted a quote from a deleted scene in the Thor screenplay where Loki and Thor have a "moment" and then Loki jokingly asks for a kiss. And now it's all over tumblr as proof that Thor/Loki is canon.