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The best superpower in the world
Oct. 23rd, 2010 10:40 amIt's a source of great debate in fandom -- if you could have one comic book character's powers, which would it be? There are the obvious answers - Superman, Green Lantern, Spider-Man. But really, what would you do with those powers in the real world? Sure, being really strong comes in handy when you have to punch a giant robot in the face, but in the world where there aren't any giant robots? Just guys with AK-47s. Well, you don't need to wear your underwear on the outside to deal with them, just some body armor, automatic weapons, and some buddies.
No, there's only one superpower you'd really need. Purple Man's.
No, it's not the power to be the love child of Prince.
Purple Man has the power of persuasion. In comics, he usually uses this power to either get beaten up by Daredevil or... well, do what a lot of evil folks would do if they could make anyone do anything they wanted (and were written by your average comic book writer). But that's so short-sighted!
Imagine using your powers for good. Well, the criminal justice system is going to be a lot simpler. Trial and parole hearings would just be "Did you do it?" and "Are you going to do it again?" Okay, say that's unconstitutional. Just roll down to Gitmo and start asking "Hey, where's Bin Laden at?" No more torture debate, which should make foreign relations easier. Upset about the economy? Just go up to one of those executives who give themselves bonuses in the middle of a bail-out and say "Hey, you wanna give all your money to charity and become a monk."
More importantly, if you're even having this discussion, it means you're probably a nerd. Which means this is the handiest superpower you could possibly have! Favorite show got canceled? Just call up the network and tell them to cut Charlie Sheen's salary until there's enough to put it back on for another season. Studio dicking with your favorite director? Go to the board room and tell that studio exec to keep his "brilliant suggestion" that Perry White be a street-smart ghetto boy played by Tyler Perry to himself. Comics pissing you off? Tell Dan Didio to hitchhike across the country and put Gail Simone in charge. Frustrated that your dream project won't be made? Call Spielberg, tell him to try again on Indiana Jones 4, and this time tell the guards to shoot Shia LeBeouf and George Lucas on sight. Oh, and get Spielberg to stop being a pussy and let Indy shoot people. Congrats on objectively making the world a better place.
Now, it would be grossly immoral to go around telling people to sleep with you, obviously. But you could tell personal trainers and plastic surgeons to help you get rid of those unsightly physical features, ask Tim Gunn to design your wardrobe, and ask politely for Jon Hamm to share with you his secrets of seduction.
Step 1: Be Jon Hamm.
Things still not going your way? Why not just tell someone you have an uncanny resemblance to Hugh Jackman or Denise Richards circa Wild Things (depending on gender. Or not. Hey, no judging here)? That falls under the purview of shapeshifting, which is totally legit. Remember that X-Files episode with the monkey babies? That guy would've been fine if instead of sleeping with other men's wives, he'd just turned into Jensen Ackles and started bar-hopping. Of course, this raises questions of whether anyone you meet loves the real you, but we can discuss that after we finish having sex with the cast of Battlestar Galactica. It's simple:
No social skills + uggo physical appearance = creepy.
No social skills + good looks = charmingly awkward.
This is known as the Hugh Grant Equation.
So let those other nerds fuck around with superspeed and mutant healing factors. You'll be chilling like the villain with Christina Hendricks in a hot tub watching season three of Legend of the Seeker, having made the world safe for democracy.
ETA: Shapeshifting would also be boss. In addition to the obvious poon gettage (or taint gettage, your call), you could turn into a young Robert Downey Jr. and start reviewing movies on Youtube. Watch yourself become internet-famous!
No, there's only one superpower you'd really need. Purple Man's.
No, it's not the power to be the love child of Prince.
Purple Man has the power of persuasion. In comics, he usually uses this power to either get beaten up by Daredevil or... well, do what a lot of evil folks would do if they could make anyone do anything they wanted (and were written by your average comic book writer). But that's so short-sighted!
Imagine using your powers for good. Well, the criminal justice system is going to be a lot simpler. Trial and parole hearings would just be "Did you do it?" and "Are you going to do it again?" Okay, say that's unconstitutional. Just roll down to Gitmo and start asking "Hey, where's Bin Laden at?" No more torture debate, which should make foreign relations easier. Upset about the economy? Just go up to one of those executives who give themselves bonuses in the middle of a bail-out and say "Hey, you wanna give all your money to charity and become a monk."
More importantly, if you're even having this discussion, it means you're probably a nerd. Which means this is the handiest superpower you could possibly have! Favorite show got canceled? Just call up the network and tell them to cut Charlie Sheen's salary until there's enough to put it back on for another season. Studio dicking with your favorite director? Go to the board room and tell that studio exec to keep his "brilliant suggestion" that Perry White be a street-smart ghetto boy played by Tyler Perry to himself. Comics pissing you off? Tell Dan Didio to hitchhike across the country and put Gail Simone in charge. Frustrated that your dream project won't be made? Call Spielberg, tell him to try again on Indiana Jones 4, and this time tell the guards to shoot Shia LeBeouf and George Lucas on sight. Oh, and get Spielberg to stop being a pussy and let Indy shoot people. Congrats on objectively making the world a better place.
Now, it would be grossly immoral to go around telling people to sleep with you, obviously. But you could tell personal trainers and plastic surgeons to help you get rid of those unsightly physical features, ask Tim Gunn to design your wardrobe, and ask politely for Jon Hamm to share with you his secrets of seduction.
Step 1: Be Jon Hamm.
Things still not going your way? Why not just tell someone you have an uncanny resemblance to Hugh Jackman or Denise Richards circa Wild Things (depending on gender. Or not. Hey, no judging here)? That falls under the purview of shapeshifting, which is totally legit. Remember that X-Files episode with the monkey babies? That guy would've been fine if instead of sleeping with other men's wives, he'd just turned into Jensen Ackles and started bar-hopping. Of course, this raises questions of whether anyone you meet loves the real you, but we can discuss that after we finish having sex with the cast of Battlestar Galactica. It's simple:
No social skills + uggo physical appearance = creepy.
No social skills + good looks = charmingly awkward.
This is known as the Hugh Grant Equation.
So let those other nerds fuck around with superspeed and mutant healing factors. You'll be chilling like the villain with Christina Hendricks in a hot tub watching season three of Legend of the Seeker, having made the world safe for democracy.
ETA: Shapeshifting would also be boss. In addition to the obvious poon gettage (or taint gettage, your call), you could turn into a young Robert Downey Jr. and start reviewing movies on Youtube. Watch yourself become internet-famous!
