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Movie review: Nine
Dec. 31st, 2009 01:31 pmAfter all the hype, Nine is, for all intents and purposes, a Hollywood remake of a foreign film. And like all Hollywood remakes of foreign films, it smooths out the rough edges, replaces the original cast with big name stars, and completely destroys whatever made the original worth remaking.
In 8 1/2 (the Fellini film that the Broadway show was based on, which in turn inspired the movie... whew), the protagonist Guido was self-deprecating. Here, he's "sympathetic," complete with an angsty backstory about mean priests who caned him (although he says he believes in God, just to avoid offending any demographics). In 8 1/2, Guido imagines incredible flights of fancy that became ingrained in cinematic history. In Nine, Guido imagines visiting a strip club (all the musical numbers take place on a soundstage with scantily-clad women, with his mom and Dame Judi Dench hanging around in the background. Whatever floats your boat, dude). 8 1/2 is a movie that demands multiple viewings to analyze all the imagery and symbolism. Nine is a movie that demands to be watched for background noise while you're doing something else.
Now, I like showtunes as much as the next non-homophobe. They make anything better. The Wizard of Oz with showtunes? Wicked! Harry Potter with showtunes? A Very Potter Musical! Skeevy misogynistic storytelling with showtunes? Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog! But these songs are just lame. They seem like they come with a Casio keyboard for songwriters. Two modes, fast and bombastic or slow and maudlin, with all the insipid lyrics you'd expect from songs with names like "My Husband Makes Movies". These aren't showstoppers, these are show-slow-down-curves-ahead at best. There are only two that aren't instantly forgettable, and one is Kate Hudson singing about how much she likes Italian cinema. I thought characters in musicals were supposed to sing feelings that were too big to fit into dialogue. In this world, I guess men spend a lot of time belting out tunes about how they like to watch MILF porn. Euagh.
In the other one, Fergie plays a hooker who sings about how much women like sexual harassment, which is the essence of Italian manhood. I'm being facetious, but this movie deserves it. In 8 1/2, the character looked like a woman who stripped for money from little kids. In Nine, she looks like Fergie. Now, I know people are down on her looks, but that seems a little harsh.
So the movie goes on, replacing all the imagination of 8 1/2 with the boring surface story about a long-suffering wife and her harried husband's redemption, complete with a scene where he whines that he's destroyed everything before apologizing to everyone, realizing he should stay true to his wife, and connecting with his inner child. And making a movie, albeit one that's lacking all of 8 1/2's fun meta touches and spaceship. So in the end, like all Hollywood remakes of foreign films, you're better off watching the original.
In 8 1/2 (the Fellini film that the Broadway show was based on, which in turn inspired the movie... whew), the protagonist Guido was self-deprecating. Here, he's "sympathetic," complete with an angsty backstory about mean priests who caned him (although he says he believes in God, just to avoid offending any demographics). In 8 1/2, Guido imagines incredible flights of fancy that became ingrained in cinematic history. In Nine, Guido imagines visiting a strip club (all the musical numbers take place on a soundstage with scantily-clad women, with his mom and Dame Judi Dench hanging around in the background. Whatever floats your boat, dude). 8 1/2 is a movie that demands multiple viewings to analyze all the imagery and symbolism. Nine is a movie that demands to be watched for background noise while you're doing something else.
Now, I like showtunes as much as the next non-homophobe. They make anything better. The Wizard of Oz with showtunes? Wicked! Harry Potter with showtunes? A Very Potter Musical! Skeevy misogynistic storytelling with showtunes? Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog! But these songs are just lame. They seem like they come with a Casio keyboard for songwriters. Two modes, fast and bombastic or slow and maudlin, with all the insipid lyrics you'd expect from songs with names like "My Husband Makes Movies". These aren't showstoppers, these are show-slow-down-curves-ahead at best. There are only two that aren't instantly forgettable, and one is Kate Hudson singing about how much she likes Italian cinema. I thought characters in musicals were supposed to sing feelings that were too big to fit into dialogue. In this world, I guess men spend a lot of time belting out tunes about how they like to watch MILF porn. Euagh.
In the other one, Fergie plays a hooker who sings about how much women like sexual harassment, which is the essence of Italian manhood. I'm being facetious, but this movie deserves it. In 8 1/2, the character looked like a woman who stripped for money from little kids. In Nine, she looks like Fergie. Now, I know people are down on her looks, but that seems a little harsh.
So the movie goes on, replacing all the imagination of 8 1/2 with the boring surface story about a long-suffering wife and her harried husband's redemption, complete with a scene where he whines that he's destroyed everything before apologizing to everyone, realizing he should stay true to his wife, and connecting with his inner child. And making a movie, albeit one that's lacking all of 8 1/2's fun meta touches and spaceship. So in the end, like all Hollywood remakes of foreign films, you're better off watching the original.
