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Book review: Catacombs by John Farris
Nov. 8th, 2009 09:59 amLadies and gentlemen, if this book had a penis, I would kick it. It lies. This book is not just deceptive, it outright lies.
A demon trapped in a red gem. Spooky, but it could be just a metaphor. Let's check the backcover.
The Evil Masters. Imprisoned in bloodstones, buried in the catacombs, hidden vaults deep in the volcanic bowels of Mt. Kilimanjaro. Now they are unearthed by archaeologists, freed to work their evil on an unsuspecting humankind.
Bullshit!
Their blood-curdling orgy of nightmare-horror spans continents, crosses oceans, and finally plunges straight into the blazing volcanic maw of Kilimanjaro itself!
THAT SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN!
As I was reading it, I kept filing away these comments for my review. Like, "two hundred pages and no blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror." But I thought, okay, it's just the set-up. The blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror is coming. Then "four hundred pages and no blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror". I checked the last page. 520. So maybe the blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror is the climax. Dishonest, sure, but okay. Then I got to the end of the book.
No blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror. Not one. Therefore, Mr. Farris, you are a liar and a cheat and a bullshit artist and your book is bullshit! Fuck you! Fuck your mother fuck your agent fuck your publisher fuck your kids fuck your wife fuck your dog fuck your editor fuck your cancer which I hope you get!
You want me to tell you what it is about? Well, really, I have no fucking idea. I think it's part of a series, because it starts off with these archaeologists in trouble like they just escaped from some horrifying situation, but it's not the cryptic kind of mysterious, it's the 'you should know this already' kind of mysterious. Now look up. Did you see anything in the backcover description to make you think this was part of a series? No! They just sell it as a standalone so you buy it, then you realize it's a sequel and you have to give them more money to know what's going on. I hate when they do that! I'm looking at the book and there's no way to know what the prequel is or if there even is a prequel! I looked it up on Wikipedia and it doesn't even have a Wikipedia page.
But anyway, eventually we get the idea that something bad happened and one of the archaeologists betrayed the other and blah blah blah who gives a diarrhea? After, like, a hundred pages of filler we finally get to the plot. The catacombs hold the remains of an advanced civilization and their ancient technology, including a forcefield that can be used for missile defense. Naturally, both the Americans and the Ruskies want this, but the African dictator who has the technology will only sell it if one side gives him nukes so he can killinate the apartheid guys. Naturally, the Americans aren't fans of that and the Russians don't want to give him a nuke in case it's a hoax. So all sides, plus the apartheid guys, plus the Africans, are trying to find the catacombs.
What this means is that most of the book is the various villains competing against each other and none of them are really interesting enough for you to want to root for them, even in an antihero way. They're just sorta annoying filler.
Now, the book does have a hero, and that's Matthew Jade (really?). Jade (really?) is a retired secret agent who's beloved wife died and he also has learned mystical Native American rituals which let him levitate while he's meditating (Native Americans meditate?). I'll stop before my cliche-o-meter explodes.
Anyway, there's this prisoner in the US who knows where the catacombs are. She's this Patty Hearst type who blah blah, no one cares. She's just there so Jade (really?) has someone to condescend to, patronize, manipulate, and finally sleep with. So then they go to the catacombs... no, they don't! That could lead to a blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror, and there's none of that in this book! They spend most of the book learning to parachute. That's it. Just getting ready to go to the catacombs while all the villains are doing this Whacky Races thing. To be fair, there is this one part where the Commies show up to try to assassinate Jade.
And here's where I hated Jade, in fact, hated the entire insinuation that I was supposed to find him at all heroic or likable or sympathetic or human. There are three Russians. One of them Jade disables by using a fishing hook on his penis. Really. Really. REALLY. Was that at all necessary? You're the Zen master kung fu guy, you couldn't even up something better than that? Then he dresses up as a Scooby Doo villain and literally just walks up to the other two Russians. They shoot him, but for some reason they're using these gas pellets instead of bullets, so he just holds his breath. So Jade walks up to the two Russians, subdues them, THEN KILLS THEM IN COLD BLOOD! What the hell? They didn't even do anything! It's not like he's avenging his dead partner or something, they were just doing their jobs, same as him, and he killed them in cold blood! What an asshole! He makes some patter about "they would've killed me if they had half a chance." Yeah, and if they would've raped a dog, does that make it okay for you to rape a dog? What the hell, hero! Fuck you!
So they finally get to the catacombs and everyone runs around a bit and the big Russian villain eventually gets killed accidentally by the African comic relief (who of course speaks pidgin English) and then it turns out that using the forcefield causes the Earth to blow up, so the whole thing was entirely pointless. Oh, but Jade manages to forgive himself for the death of his wife and no longer harbors a death wish... BOOM! Oh no, my cliche-o-meter, it blew! How will I watch Merlin anymore?
But hey, maybe the prose is good? Shit plotting can be redeemed by dialogue and description sometimes, right Joss Whedon? No?
( The goofiest rape scene outside of a Gor book. )
( Did I mention Jade's sidekick? He's pretty light on his feet. )
( Sky-diving! )
( More of the romance between Raun and Jade, who are shockingly not Star Wars characters. )
( No, really, Jade has superpowers. )
( But it's not all fun and games. Jade has a nemesis, the mad Russian Belov, who runs into that girl who got raped? You remember, with the rhino? )
A demon trapped in a red gem. Spooky, but it could be just a metaphor. Let's check the backcover.
The Evil Masters. Imprisoned in bloodstones, buried in the catacombs, hidden vaults deep in the volcanic bowels of Mt. Kilimanjaro. Now they are unearthed by archaeologists, freed to work their evil on an unsuspecting humankind.
Bullshit!
Their blood-curdling orgy of nightmare-horror spans continents, crosses oceans, and finally plunges straight into the blazing volcanic maw of Kilimanjaro itself!
THAT SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN!
As I was reading it, I kept filing away these comments for my review. Like, "two hundred pages and no blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror." But I thought, okay, it's just the set-up. The blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror is coming. Then "four hundred pages and no blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror". I checked the last page. 520. So maybe the blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror is the climax. Dishonest, sure, but okay. Then I got to the end of the book.
No blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror. Not one. Therefore, Mr. Farris, you are a liar and a cheat and a bullshit artist and your book is bullshit! Fuck you! Fuck your mother fuck your agent fuck your publisher fuck your kids fuck your wife fuck your dog fuck your editor fuck your cancer which I hope you get!
You want me to tell you what it is about? Well, really, I have no fucking idea. I think it's part of a series, because it starts off with these archaeologists in trouble like they just escaped from some horrifying situation, but it's not the cryptic kind of mysterious, it's the 'you should know this already' kind of mysterious. Now look up. Did you see anything in the backcover description to make you think this was part of a series? No! They just sell it as a standalone so you buy it, then you realize it's a sequel and you have to give them more money to know what's going on. I hate when they do that! I'm looking at the book and there's no way to know what the prequel is or if there even is a prequel! I looked it up on Wikipedia and it doesn't even have a Wikipedia page.
But anyway, eventually we get the idea that something bad happened and one of the archaeologists betrayed the other and blah blah blah who gives a diarrhea? After, like, a hundred pages of filler we finally get to the plot. The catacombs hold the remains of an advanced civilization and their ancient technology, including a forcefield that can be used for missile defense. Naturally, both the Americans and the Ruskies want this, but the African dictator who has the technology will only sell it if one side gives him nukes so he can killinate the apartheid guys. Naturally, the Americans aren't fans of that and the Russians don't want to give him a nuke in case it's a hoax. So all sides, plus the apartheid guys, plus the Africans, are trying to find the catacombs.
What this means is that most of the book is the various villains competing against each other and none of them are really interesting enough for you to want to root for them, even in an antihero way. They're just sorta annoying filler.
Now, the book does have a hero, and that's Matthew Jade (really?). Jade (really?) is a retired secret agent who's beloved wife died and he also has learned mystical Native American rituals which let him levitate while he's meditating (Native Americans meditate?). I'll stop before my cliche-o-meter explodes.
Anyway, there's this prisoner in the US who knows where the catacombs are. She's this Patty Hearst type who blah blah, no one cares. She's just there so Jade (really?) has someone to condescend to, patronize, manipulate, and finally sleep with. So then they go to the catacombs... no, they don't! That could lead to a blood-curdling orgy of nightmare horror, and there's none of that in this book! They spend most of the book learning to parachute. That's it. Just getting ready to go to the catacombs while all the villains are doing this Whacky Races thing. To be fair, there is this one part where the Commies show up to try to assassinate Jade.
And here's where I hated Jade, in fact, hated the entire insinuation that I was supposed to find him at all heroic or likable or sympathetic or human. There are three Russians. One of them Jade disables by using a fishing hook on his penis. Really. Really. REALLY. Was that at all necessary? You're the Zen master kung fu guy, you couldn't even up something better than that? Then he dresses up as a Scooby Doo villain and literally just walks up to the other two Russians. They shoot him, but for some reason they're using these gas pellets instead of bullets, so he just holds his breath. So Jade walks up to the two Russians, subdues them, THEN KILLS THEM IN COLD BLOOD! What the hell? They didn't even do anything! It's not like he's avenging his dead partner or something, they were just doing their jobs, same as him, and he killed them in cold blood! What an asshole! He makes some patter about "they would've killed me if they had half a chance." Yeah, and if they would've raped a dog, does that make it okay for you to rape a dog? What the hell, hero! Fuck you!
So they finally get to the catacombs and everyone runs around a bit and the big Russian villain eventually gets killed accidentally by the African comic relief (who of course speaks pidgin English) and then it turns out that using the forcefield causes the Earth to blow up, so the whole thing was entirely pointless. Oh, but Jade manages to forgive himself for the death of his wife and no longer harbors a death wish... BOOM! Oh no, my cliche-o-meter, it blew! How will I watch Merlin anymore?
But hey, maybe the prose is good? Shit plotting can be redeemed by dialogue and description sometimes, right Joss Whedon? No?
( The goofiest rape scene outside of a Gor book. )
( Did I mention Jade's sidekick? He's pretty light on his feet. )
( Sky-diving! )
( More of the romance between Raun and Jade, who are shockingly not Star Wars characters. )
( No, really, Jade has superpowers. )
( But it's not all fun and games. Jade has a nemesis, the mad Russian Belov, who runs into that girl who got raped? You remember, with the rhino? )
