My Bloody Valentine 3D-D-D-D
Jan. 21st, 2009 05:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficSo, the votes are in and My Bloody Valentine 3D wins by a hair that’s projecting out at the audience. I suppose a lot of you were expecting a snarkfest, and I hate to disappoint you, but I really did enjoy myself and in fact I can recommend it mostly without reservation. Now if you wanted a movie I hated, watch The Unborn. So disappointing coming from David Goyer. Really, how many movies do we need where someone is wandering around in the dark, the music goes all quiet, then a bunch of pixels jump out at them. I can’t even bring myself to hate it. It was just absolute mediocrity.
Now maybe you don’t like slasher movies, but in any genre there are good examples and bad examples. I don’t like country music, but I know there are good songs and then there are things sung by Toby Keith. Now this isn’t a classic like Halloween or Scream, but it’s a very well-done slasher movie. Like all slasher movies, it promises sex and gore, and it actually delivers both… in 3D-D-D!
In a newsprint-y callback to the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie (in 3D!), Dean Winchester is the son of the owner of a coal mine. So, if he can rely on the old man’s money, is he a rich bitch girl? Before we can get into anymore Hall & Oates, he accidentally causes a cave-in and traps five miners. This is why nepotism is a bad idea. Can you imagine if your hotel was being run by Paris Hilton?
One of the trapped miners is Harry Warden, who is dug up in a coma. And killed the other trapped miners to conserve his own air. Man, and you thought the guy at your office who didn’t make a fresh pot of coffee after finishing the last one was bad.
He wakes up and has an off-screen killing spree in the hospital (relax, we’ll be getting to the proper gore soon enough). He’s also drawn bloody hearts on the walls, since it’s Valentine’s day and if you decide to just have a psychotic episode, you might as well have a theme. Amusing, one of his victims has been RIPPED IN HALF. Did Harry do that with his bare hands or is there some hospital tool he adapted for that? Because I think I saw that on House last week. “Doctor, the patient’s legs are going to explode!” “Quick, rip him in half!”
Meanwhile, Dean Winchester is coping with his role in the tragedy by going to a party. Held in a mineshaft. I think this town deserves to be the subject of a Michael Moore film. His girlfriend is there, as is Axel with his girlfriend. But before Dean can admit some angsty detail about his time in hell, Harry Warden stops by. Awesomely, he makes his entrance by ramming his pickax through the back of a guy’s head (a guy who just pulled a prank. Jamie Kennedy didn’t cover that one, did he?). His eye sticks on the point and pokes out of his eyesocket AT THE AUDIENCE, woo! How can you hate a movie where that’s the first on-screen kill?
Dean Winchester gets up close and personal with Harry after being abandoned by his friends, namely Axel (naturally, this incredible act of personal cowardice leads to Dean’s girlfriend Sarah ending up with Axel because “he’s there for me”. Real keeper there, Dean. I’d never thought I’d say this, but you’re better off fucking your brother). But before he can be sent back to picking up Smallville residuals, the sheriff shows up and fills Harry full of lead. A convenient cave-in (Harry just stumbles into a support beam, it falls over… BAM, cave-in. Are we sure it’s Dean’s fault there was a cave-in? MacGuyver couldn’t have safety-proofed this cave) means THERE’S NO BODY!
Ten years later and, unsurprisingly, no one has aged a day. Forget about Harry Warden, the biggest problem these guys have is the Kurgan. Sheriff Axel is now married with a kid and a mistress. It’s a bit harder to explain when you go to the second one’s school play. Dean Winchester returns, this time as a douche who’s going to close down the mine. That would make anyone mad… mad enough TO MURDER?
At the same time, Sheriff Axel learns that his mistress is pregnant with his love child, which is understandably distressing. Some might say, MURDEROUSLY DISTRESSING? And there is, as always, the possibility that Harry Warden is still alive and has decided, hey, ten’s a nice round number, might as well start killing again. Or should I say... MURDERING?
Oh, and there’s also some random black deputy who Dean randomly asks “where were you when that blonde was killed?” Oh, so if there’s a crime, it must be the brotha? Thank you, Dean.
So, for the majority of its running time, My Bloody Valentine is an enjoyable romp that makes good use of its 3D technology and, more importantly, of the killer’s iconic pick-ax. It stumbles a bit near the end in trying to incorporate the post-modernity of Scream into a movie that’s thoroughly Steve Miner as opposed to Kevin Williamson, but I'll get to that in a minute.
We live in a world that has, as Simon Phoenix might say, become a pussy-whipped Disney Channel version of itself. Prom Night, a movie best remembered for the prom king getting decapitated right in the high school gymnasium, is remade as PG-13. So you can imagine how refreshingly lemonade-on-a-hot-summer-day novel it is to have a slasher movie that not only features people being slashed, by brings back the “how the fuck did they avoid the X rating?” levels of sex and gore. Much like chocolate and peanut butter, the thought of someone whipping up fake intestines with some obscene combination of ingenuity, corn syrup, and so on (which appeals to the 12-year-old boy in all of us in much the same way the Creature from the Black Lagoon appealed to our forebears) and the thought of someone, somehow, faking out the evil dictatorship of the MPAA… well, that just holds my hand on the way to my happy place.
So not only do you have good kills (which should be the baseline for any slasher movie, but somewhere people got the idea that you could neuter a movie and then release the real movie to DVD as an “unrated director’s edition for collectors: Aztec version”), but they’re in 3D!
Okay, since that’s probably enough for you to decide if you want to see it or not (if you can debate the comparative merits of the Friday the 13th series, then yes), let’s get on to the spoilers!
Okay, so by the end of the movie they’ve set up Sheriff Axel as this jerkass bastard who screams at his wife, gets irrationally jealous at her friendship with Dean Winchester (despite, you know, him being the one who’s CHEATING). All signs point to him having gone on the killing spree to cover up the murder of his pregnant mistress. So, naturally, it turns out that he’s the hero (with the last scene even being devoted to him heroically being loaded onto an ambulance while Sara tells him she loves him… yeah, because…?).
So who is the actual killer? Why, none other than Dean Winchester! Yes, he’s bugfuck crazy and spent seven years in an insane asylum before coming home. Those must’ve been some great doctors. “Think we should let this Dean Winchester guy out? He’s been in here for seven years.” “Oh, sure, why not, what harm could he do?” “Uh, sir, he just killed 37 people.” “Oh, let me guess, I'll get blamed for this. That's my Sunday shot all to hell!”
Dean has these psychotic black-outs where he thinks he’s Harry Warden, yet he also takes the time to frame other people for his murders, which is pretty thoughtful for a psychotic alter-ego. And they find out about this when he knows something only the killer could know. So, now that we’ve established that Dean Winchester is a sympathetic character who isn’t evil, just very mentally ill, naturally we’re meant to cheer as the jerkass cheating sheriff helps blow him up. While the final girl stands around not doing anything despite having a LOADED GUN. Shoot him in the leg, idiot!
Now, it’s true that this is surprising, but it’s M. Night Shyamalan surprising. We don’t really need a twist. We just need the sheriff to rant his nonsensical motivation out before Dean Winchester puts him in the ground and has sex with his wife. By trying to be smart, the whole thing just ends up stupider than it would’ve been if they’d gone with the more satisfying ending.
Final analysis: Dean Winchester kills a midget with a pick-ax.
Now maybe you don’t like slasher movies, but in any genre there are good examples and bad examples. I don’t like country music, but I know there are good songs and then there are things sung by Toby Keith. Now this isn’t a classic like Halloween or Scream, but it’s a very well-done slasher movie. Like all slasher movies, it promises sex and gore, and it actually delivers both… in 3D-D-D!
In a newsprint-y callback to the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie (in 3D!), Dean Winchester is the son of the owner of a coal mine. So, if he can rely on the old man’s money, is he a rich bitch girl? Before we can get into anymore Hall & Oates, he accidentally causes a cave-in and traps five miners. This is why nepotism is a bad idea. Can you imagine if your hotel was being run by Paris Hilton?
One of the trapped miners is Harry Warden, who is dug up in a coma. And killed the other trapped miners to conserve his own air. Man, and you thought the guy at your office who didn’t make a fresh pot of coffee after finishing the last one was bad.
He wakes up and has an off-screen killing spree in the hospital (relax, we’ll be getting to the proper gore soon enough). He’s also drawn bloody hearts on the walls, since it’s Valentine’s day and if you decide to just have a psychotic episode, you might as well have a theme. Amusing, one of his victims has been RIPPED IN HALF. Did Harry do that with his bare hands or is there some hospital tool he adapted for that? Because I think I saw that on House last week. “Doctor, the patient’s legs are going to explode!” “Quick, rip him in half!”
Meanwhile, Dean Winchester is coping with his role in the tragedy by going to a party. Held in a mineshaft. I think this town deserves to be the subject of a Michael Moore film. His girlfriend is there, as is Axel with his girlfriend. But before Dean can admit some angsty detail about his time in hell, Harry Warden stops by. Awesomely, he makes his entrance by ramming his pickax through the back of a guy’s head (a guy who just pulled a prank. Jamie Kennedy didn’t cover that one, did he?). His eye sticks on the point and pokes out of his eyesocket AT THE AUDIENCE, woo! How can you hate a movie where that’s the first on-screen kill?
Dean Winchester gets up close and personal with Harry after being abandoned by his friends, namely Axel (naturally, this incredible act of personal cowardice leads to Dean’s girlfriend Sarah ending up with Axel because “he’s there for me”. Real keeper there, Dean. I’d never thought I’d say this, but you’re better off fucking your brother). But before he can be sent back to picking up Smallville residuals, the sheriff shows up and fills Harry full of lead. A convenient cave-in (Harry just stumbles into a support beam, it falls over… BAM, cave-in. Are we sure it’s Dean’s fault there was a cave-in? MacGuyver couldn’t have safety-proofed this cave) means THERE’S NO BODY!
Ten years later and, unsurprisingly, no one has aged a day. Forget about Harry Warden, the biggest problem these guys have is the Kurgan. Sheriff Axel is now married with a kid and a mistress. It’s a bit harder to explain when you go to the second one’s school play. Dean Winchester returns, this time as a douche who’s going to close down the mine. That would make anyone mad… mad enough TO MURDER?
At the same time, Sheriff Axel learns that his mistress is pregnant with his love child, which is understandably distressing. Some might say, MURDEROUSLY DISTRESSING? And there is, as always, the possibility that Harry Warden is still alive and has decided, hey, ten’s a nice round number, might as well start killing again. Or should I say... MURDERING?
Oh, and there’s also some random black deputy who Dean randomly asks “where were you when that blonde was killed?” Oh, so if there’s a crime, it must be the brotha? Thank you, Dean.
So, for the majority of its running time, My Bloody Valentine is an enjoyable romp that makes good use of its 3D technology and, more importantly, of the killer’s iconic pick-ax. It stumbles a bit near the end in trying to incorporate the post-modernity of Scream into a movie that’s thoroughly Steve Miner as opposed to Kevin Williamson, but I'll get to that in a minute.
We live in a world that has, as Simon Phoenix might say, become a pussy-whipped Disney Channel version of itself. Prom Night, a movie best remembered for the prom king getting decapitated right in the high school gymnasium, is remade as PG-13. So you can imagine how refreshingly lemonade-on-a-hot-summer-day novel it is to have a slasher movie that not only features people being slashed, by brings back the “how the fuck did they avoid the X rating?” levels of sex and gore. Much like chocolate and peanut butter, the thought of someone whipping up fake intestines with some obscene combination of ingenuity, corn syrup, and so on (which appeals to the 12-year-old boy in all of us in much the same way the Creature from the Black Lagoon appealed to our forebears) and the thought of someone, somehow, faking out the evil dictatorship of the MPAA… well, that just holds my hand on the way to my happy place.
So not only do you have good kills (which should be the baseline for any slasher movie, but somewhere people got the idea that you could neuter a movie and then release the real movie to DVD as an “unrated director’s edition for collectors: Aztec version”), but they’re in 3D!
Okay, since that’s probably enough for you to decide if you want to see it or not (if you can debate the comparative merits of the Friday the 13th series, then yes), let’s get on to the spoilers!
Okay, so by the end of the movie they’ve set up Sheriff Axel as this jerkass bastard who screams at his wife, gets irrationally jealous at her friendship with Dean Winchester (despite, you know, him being the one who’s CHEATING). All signs point to him having gone on the killing spree to cover up the murder of his pregnant mistress. So, naturally, it turns out that he’s the hero (with the last scene even being devoted to him heroically being loaded onto an ambulance while Sara tells him she loves him… yeah, because…?).
So who is the actual killer? Why, none other than Dean Winchester! Yes, he’s bugfuck crazy and spent seven years in an insane asylum before coming home. Those must’ve been some great doctors. “Think we should let this Dean Winchester guy out? He’s been in here for seven years.” “Oh, sure, why not, what harm could he do?” “Uh, sir, he just killed 37 people.” “Oh, let me guess, I'll get blamed for this. That's my Sunday shot all to hell!”
Dean has these psychotic black-outs where he thinks he’s Harry Warden, yet he also takes the time to frame other people for his murders, which is pretty thoughtful for a psychotic alter-ego. And they find out about this when he knows something only the killer could know. So, now that we’ve established that Dean Winchester is a sympathetic character who isn’t evil, just very mentally ill, naturally we’re meant to cheer as the jerkass cheating sheriff helps blow him up. While the final girl stands around not doing anything despite having a LOADED GUN. Shoot him in the leg, idiot!
Now, it’s true that this is surprising, but it’s M. Night Shyamalan surprising. We don’t really need a twist. We just need the sheriff to rant his nonsensical motivation out before Dean Winchester puts him in the ground and has sex with his wife. By trying to be smart, the whole thing just ends up stupider than it would’ve been if they’d gone with the more satisfying ending.
Final analysis: Dean Winchester kills a midget with a pick-ax.
