(no subject)

[seriousfic]

I read the pilot script for the Wonder Woman TV show. THAT Wonder Woman TV show. And it’s even worse than the pilot actually was.

-We’re introduced to Wonder Woman racing into action, risking her life against diabolical enemies for the freedom and safety of her fellow humans—set to Beyonce’s ‘Singles Ladies.’ Ya know, when Xena started, they didn’t feel the need to set any of the action sequences to I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, and people got the gist of the feminism thing just fine.

-Marilyn Monroe drag queen!

‘MARILYN MONROE

(excitedly)

I got him.

THE SUSPECT FIRES A CRISP RIGHT, STUNNING MARILYN, WHO RELEASES.

MARILYN MONROE

I don’t got him.’

-A bit oddly, Diana’s best friend is Myndi Mayer, and Etta Candy is her publicist. For some reason we need both these characters, even though they seem to do the exact same thing?

-During an awkward moment in her conversation with Myndi, Diana tries to change the subject and offers to tell Myndi anything she wants about Paradise Island. Myndi asks where their babies come from. Diana declines to answer and changes the subject again. WHY WAS THAT SCENE WRITTEN?

-That’s the sum total of what we learn about Paradise Island by the way. Not kidding. The script basically just says that there’s an island of female warriors, who don’t age for some reason, and the island can’t be found except by incredible circumstance, for some reason, and Diana can leave easily but can’t come back, for some reason, and then Diana left to be with Steve but then they broke up for some reason.

-This scene happens.

‘DIANA

And by the way, as much as I realize that almost fifty percent of Americans are now overweight, and that it’s an untapped market…

She holds up a prototype of Fat Wonder Woman.

DIANA

I will never be signing off on this.’

-Take that, toy companies, you and your overly inclusive action figures and overly realistic body images!

-Diana has a bunch of tech nerds called the Animals who “often break up their day with a little dancing.”

-

‘DIANA

I need to get boned up ASAP on all the evidence we have on Veronica Cale and Cale-Anderson.

AUSTY

Bone you up right now, boss.’

-I’m pretty sure most bosses wouldn’t appreciate their employees making jokes about fucking them, let alone WONDER WOMAN.

- ‘DIANA IS SINGING TO THE SONG, ROCKING OUT AS SHE FLIES, SOARING ABOVE THE WORLD. SHE LOVES FLYING, BEING FREED FROM THE CORPORATE STRAIT-JACKET. SHE ZOOMS DOWN AND FLIES ABOUT FIFTEEN FEET ABOVE THE CONGESTED TRAFFIC, PERHAPS JUST TO TAUNT THE DRIVERS A LITTLE.’

Diana must be extremely popular post-9/11.

-There’s a scene where Diana goes to a Congressional hearing that goes on basically FOREVER. And you know how the Nolan Batmans had all these scenes of people debating Batman, since on the one hand what he did was illegal, but on the other hand it was effective, and everyone on all sides of the debate had good points and was treated respectfully? Here, everyone who disagrees with Diana is corrupt and evil, so she yells at them for being mean. And having small testicles.

-‘SENATOR FEINSTEIN DISCRETELY FLASHES DIANA THE “THUMBS UP” SIGN: “YOU GO, GIRL.”

Sweet Jesus, I think I found the last ever unironic usage of “You go, girl.”

-Wonder Woman has a super-badass jet called… Bam Bam.

-No, seriously, you guys, Wonder Woman has a slumber party. I’m just saying, I watched The Avengers, it was like three hours long, and at no point did any of the male heroes say “I’m feeling beat, let’s stay up late and watch some Katy Perry videos.”

-Not kidding. Katy Perry.

-‘Myndi, also in pajamas, is WATCHING KATY PERRY’S VIDEO. PERRY IS DRESSED AS WONDER WOMAN, SHE COULD BE A DEAD RINGER—AND SHE’S SINGING A SLOW, SEXUALLY-SUGGESTIVE SONG: “SUPER-DUPER ME.” This Wonder Woman is evidently super-duper between the sheets.

[…]

DIANA

Is she slutty, this Katy Perry?

MYNDI

She’s certainly sexy.

Whatever Katy does, Diana and Myndi scream like schoolgirls.’

-Just for the record, I thought Katy Perry was more into innuendo-y teen bubblegum pop, not raunchy soft-R stuff. Goddamnit, if you’re going to make awkward and slut-shaming pop culture references, at least try to be accurate!

-Final shot: Wonder Woman cries into a pillow because her ex-boyfriend got married. I. AM NOT. KIDDING.

Comments

[mcity.livejournal.com]

DIANA

Is she slutty, this Katy Perry?

MYNDI

She’s certainly sexy.

I literally twitched.

[fengi.livejournal.com]

How does D.E.K. keep getting work? This is "guy who fantasizes about writing for TV" level drek.

[jlbarnett.livejournal.com]

something I've always wondered about the Wonder Woman pilot. There was a scene where she lassoed a criminal then drew blood for a DNA test and people were horrified.

I wonder if she'd punched him in the nose then wiped the blood on her hand into a vial if people would have been so pissed