Titanic as you've never seen it before

[seriousfic]

So I saw a web ad for Titanic that says "You haven't seen Titanic until you've seen it in 3D."

Actually, I'm holding out for Titanic 4D, in which you will actually be waterboarded as the ship sinks. It's like you're in the movie!

Then in Titanic 5D, the film pauses during Kate Winslet's nude scene and asks you to draw a picture of her, pencil and paper provided at the box office along with the 3D glasses. If you fail at drawing, the film goes to a game over screen and Celine Dion says "My heart won't go on."

Titanic 6D, all dialogue in the Caledon Hockley scenes is altered so that every character but Cal is saying "Put a cork in it, Zane!"


"I have a child! I have a child!" "Put a cork in it, Zane!"

Titanic 7D, Leonardo DiCaprio's character is revealed to have a controlling mother who instilled a set of neuroses in him, a dead wife who he dearly misses, and he can't tell if he's really on the Titanic or if he's living on Revolutionary Road, dreaming of drowning before he ever married Kate Winslet.

Titanic 8D, the iceberg turns out to be commanded by Colonel Quaritch, who drinks coffee while all the rich people drown, making him once again the de facto hero.

Titanic 9D, Balthazar stops the iceberg and kills Colonel Quaritch in personal combat. Jack and Rose run away together upon safely docking in New York and get married. The next day, they're walking down the street when Rose sees a diamond necklace in a storefront window and asks Jack to buy it for her. "Uh... you do realize things cost money, right?"

"Oh... shit..."

Titanic 10D, every role is played by Leonardo Dicaprio. He finally gets an Oscar.