Kildar by John Ringo

[seriousfic]

Oh yes. This is the sequel to the infamous Ghost by OH JOHN RINGO NO, so I was half-expecting a male version of an Anita Blake novel. And... kinda. You know, when you're trolling for insanely ludicrous badfic, sometimes you find smut that goes beyond "Wonder Woman turns into a cat, Batman finds that sexy, FUCKING." You find stuff that just sails to the other end of the spectrum from PWP. Not that it has a plot, per se, but it's so focused on minutia. Like "Tim Drake becomes Blue Beetle's sidekick the Black Beetle with a costume that looks like Spider-Man's but black and red, and oh yeah, he's in a relationship with Cass Cain, here's a sex scene." The fantasy isn't just the sex, it's getting everything just so. It's not a uniquely comic fandom feeling, but it's one that's prevalent there--most of the big comic events are the editors doing this, getting everything into place so they can "tell good stories" and then doing more big events that defy storytelling logic and character consistency so they can "get things into place." Only the stories they want to tell aren't hardcore fucking, they're about how awesome Hal Jordan is. It's a mindset.

Anyway, that's Kildar. Pretty much all of the runtime is dedicated to Mike Harmon being Dr. Doom for this group of Russians who are more Mary-Suetopia than Reginald Hudlin's Wakanda (ugh, don't get me started. THANKS FOR SHARING THE CURE FOR CANCER, BLACK PANTHER! BY NOT DOING THAT, YOU'VE EFFECTIVELY KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN ANY SUPERVILLAIN EVER!). Thanks to his effectively unlimited bank account, courtesy of the bounty for killing Osama bin Laden in the last book, he fixes up their farming practices, sets up a brewery, and brings in various commandos to train them into a militia. And they're cool with that. You might think there'd be a Heartbreak Ridge thing where the trainees are assholes about getting trained, or a Full Metal Jacket thing where the instructor is an asshole about training them, but it's just "You're going to learn to shoot people" "We're okay with that" "I'm okay with you being okay with that".

Or, you might think there would be a Seven Samurai situation where they have to hurry up and get the villagers battle ready before a bunch of bad guys show up. Not really. Some people go "Hey, watch out for those Chechens, they're bad eggs" and Mike goes "Yeah, I've got it covered" and builds a bondage dungeon in his castle. You know those silly scenes in Kingdom of Heaven or Avatar when there's a ritual or something the natives do and the hero comes along and immediately spots a way for them to do it better? That's the whole book. There's even several chapters of Mike beating the Keldara at their own set of sporting contests. And no, there's no reason these contests are so important, he won't face any consequences if he loses, it's like if Batman Begins stopped so Bruce could trounce the League of Shadows at table tennis.

So there really isn't any conflict or drama or anything. It's just Mike Harmon's awesome life and how it gets even more awesome--which is generally him catching prostitutes like Pokemon. It's like Entourage. But with prostitutes. I mean, in front of the cameras, not in Jeremy Piven's trailer. Oh, and they're all teenagers. The explicitly stated "old maid" of the group (she's a harem manager who gets sent away from her old harem because she's too old. I have not been sarcastic once in this review) is 26. It's just like "Yeah, of course the most beautiful, sexually desirable women in a fantasy setting would be from 16-26, with a disturbing emphasis on a girl who's 14 and is DTF, but the protagonist is too honorable to do more than perv." But I guess, yeah, all the most beautiful women in the world are just out of their teens. Except for Eva Green, Monia Belucci, Christina Hendricks, Famke Jannsen, Angelina Jolie, Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara, Rebecca Romijin, Yvonne Strahovski, Jaime Murray, Allison Brie, Marion Cotillard, Rachel Weisz, Kate Beckinsale, Jennifer Tilly, and CARLA FUCKING GUGINO... I'll stop before I rack up a really disturbing Google history. And yes, I know they were in their twenties once, but isn't it maybe possible that a woman doesn't immediately start depreciating once she hits 18?


For instance, here's Christina Hendricks at 24. Maybe she looks better today, or maybe it's just that she doesn't let herself be photographed with clowns.

Also, Mike Harmon has a serious mad-on for Islamic terrorists. Like, a full-on Marty McFly don't call me chicken thing about them. I've read two Ringo novels and in both the heroes end up killing a bunch of pedophiliac Muslims. And yeah, I'm not going to be politically correct and say the Taliban and their ilk aren't assholes, but are they really worse than, you know, all the other bad guys in the world? And they can't even really stand up to Ringo's heroes, since they're always characterized as hordes of ill-trained incompetents, only dangerous by dint of their numbers. It's never "we were just badass enough to survive this insane situation" but "ha, they never stood a chance! Run, cowards! SINISTAR HUNGERS!"

Of course, given the whole hot fourteen-year-old thing, you'd think the Ringo heroes would be able to bond with them. I know, I know, Ghost is a Lord King Badfic id-storm, but I read The Last Centurion and there's bits in there of "yeah, I totally fucked someone who is younger than eighteen." So does my library only carry John Ringo books where he's writing subversively unlikeable antiheroes? And I know (God, I hope no Ringo fanboys come here to argue this) that Mike draws a line in the sand at sixteen and only fucks his teenage virgin concubines in order from oldest to youngest (LOOK, I AM JUST REPORTING THE FACTS!). But you're still getting off on infantilizing your sex partner. You're never going "look at this confident, experienced woman. She's my equal. We can be good for each other." It's always, at best, "look at this girl. She's pretty. I'll protect her. I'll fuck her before someone else can rape her." I don't like to use phrases like 'heteronormative' or 'rape culture,' it's just a little too Scans_Daily for me, but, you know. What else are you going to call it but rape culture where women are either young fuck bunnies or elderly housekeepers?

Memorable quotes:

"You seem gentle," Klavdiya said, drawing back since he was clearly uncomfortable. "And we were to be whores. None of us were to have a husband. Now we are to be women of the Kildar! And paid too! This is too wonderful to describe!"

"I did mention the sex thing, right?" Mike asked, confused. Most of the girls were looking at him as if he was God. "Hey," he added, to the girl who still had her head down, "could you quit crying? It's a real turn-on. By the way," he said, turning back to Klavdiya, "I'm not the nicest guy in the world. I can be pretty rough."

"But you will not beat us to make us do things," Klavdiya said. "Will you?"

"If I have to," Mike said. "For that matter, I enjoy it. But I won't do it at random. And I generally either need a damned good reason or permission. Some girls enjoy playing with pain. However, yeah, if you get out of line I'll beat the heck out of you. Not as my first reaction, but don't push it, okay?"

"I won't," Klavdiya said, swallowing.

"And I won't be rough the first time," Mike said. "It ruins the young lady's approach. Speaking of the first time," Mike continued, looking around and shaking his head, "the one requirement I'm going to make here is that I'm first. I figure I'm paying for it, I might as well get first crack."

See, I don't get his problem with Al Qaeda. You'd think if anyone would want seventy-two virgins, it'd be this guy.

And if the beatings seem harsh, you should know... the famous Whorevolerine? He threatens to kill her if she gets out of line.

Man, I feel sorry for you bondage enthusiasts. Who've you got that writes, like, kinky cop novels about people who are nice and good at their jobs and just happen to like hitting each other with riding crops? It's all just Terry Goodkind and this guy. That must sting. But maybe you like that, I'm not sure how S&M works...

"I can just see that advertisement," Mike pointed out. "Wanted, harem manager for group of teenaged concubines. Must be female. Send photo and resume."

"Mike, I've had teenaged daughters," Adams said. "Well, stepdaughters. You don't want to put up with them most of the time. They should be raised in a barrel. Oh, the screaming fits and the sulks and the pouts and the whines. Get a professional."

"And where, exactly, does one find a professional harem manager?" Mike asked, smiling.

"Uzbekistan comes to mind," the chief said, seriously. "We were there for a refit between jobs in Afghanistan. The team had a night off so we went down to the local club. Some dude with heavies was sitting in the corner with a girl about thirteen on his lap and another that looked like a damned model, maybe twenty-three or so, sitting next to him. Turned out he was one of the local sheiks and the twenty-something was his harem manager. There were about ten girls out on the dance floor shaking it, all in a group, not one over seventeen I swear. The harem. That's what you're shooting for, man, trust me."

"I'm not so sure," Mike said, frowning. "Sounds fun, but I'm sure there are headaches. Besides the dealing with teenaged girls. I've noticed that if they're getting laid on a regular basis they're less prone to the sulks at least."

"Braces come to mind," Adams replied, shaking his head. "You're going to be going through a ton with an orthodontist, if you can find one in Tbilisi."

"Braces," Mike said, wincing. "You had to mention those."

"Okay," Adams replied, shrugging. "So they're a turn-on. This is a good thing."

By the way, later Adams brings up the Gor series by John Norman as a suggestion for, uh, whoremongering and Mike shoots it down, casting shade at the bondage fantasy "emphasis on fantasy." That's right, OH JOHN RINGO NO goes OH JOHN NORMAN NO. Dare I read them? DARE I?

Speaking of the harem manager Mike gets--how is she in her twenties? I mean, a lot of you have to be in your twenties, could you really picture yourself being able to deal with a bevy of teenagers who have to act out a crazy militiaman's bondage fantasies? The closest thing I could imagine would be a house mother or a madame. Aren't they usually in their forties? Dammnit, John Ringo, why can't you spank fantasy be believable? What's next, will she turn out to be a twenty-six-year-old who's heavily into bondage?

"The rougher the better," Anastasia said, looking at the floor of the plane. "Otryad was not... rough enough. And there was never enough sex with so many girls in the hareem (sic). I was lucky towards the end if I had one night a month with him. And he was never strong enough with the whip."

"O-kaaaaay," Mike said, with a whistle. "I can see where this is going. I don't have a bondage dungeon set up yet but it can easily be arranged."

"That would be wonderful," Anastasia said, delightedly. "I had access to the Internet, yes? I saw some of the bondage dungeons on there and they excited me very much. I would love to have you take me to a bondage dungeon and treat me roughly as a slave to be trained."

"But you've already trained," Mike pointed out.

"I could be bad," Anastasia said, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. "They had a terrible time with me at first; I was often bad just so that I would be beaten. When the hareem manager then, that was Shahla, realized what was going on she was very angry. After that I was good, just so that I could be properly beaten from time to time. Shahla was very good with the whip; I miss her. After she left Otryad had to do it and he never really had the same touch.

"Yeah, but we still need to negotiate," Mike said with a sigh. "I don't know that... experienced as you are, you were in the hareem. The rules are different on the outside. For example, what about being whipped in front of people you don't know very well? A scene as they call it. Or play 'sold' to another man? Have you ever been butt-plugged and then put in a submissive position and auctioned off?"

"No," Anastasia said, breathlessly. "But it sounds terribly exciting!"

"Oh, good God," Mike said, flipping up the seat arm. "I need a blowjob and I need one now."

"Yes, master," Anastasia said, leaning over and unzipping him. With her teeth. [...] "Was that good, master? she asked, straightening up and tucking him away.

"You can do that any time you'd like," Mike said.

"Good," the girl said. "I like giving blowjobs. Otryad did not like them that much but he would let me give them since I enjoyed it. That is why I tried to learn to give them well, so he would enjoy them also. [...] "Is there any wine?" Anastasia asked, cautiously. "I like the taste of cum, but the aftertaste is... not so good."

So that's what it's like inside a rapist's mind. I'd have thought there'd be more Scott Lobdell comics.

What is it with these people and Russian girls? I was lolling over a "men's rights" forum with prozacpark the other day and there was a real fetish for Russian women. Is it just that they assume Russian women are treated so poorly that they'll be super-appreciative of basic "Nice Guy" courtesy. Like, "oh, I got the door for you, I totally deserve a blowjob. Thanks for not asking for any further respect or affection on my part."