Lezbos Part 4
Sep. 8th, 2011 09:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seriousficAlright, here we are going into the second act. Hopefully we've established the fuck out of these characters by now. Who would you like to see play Alicia and Billie? I'm still leaning toward Megan Fox as Alicia, maybe Anne Hathaway as Billie, because I would love to a 40-Year-Old Virgin route with the advertising. You know, blank background, picture of America's sweethearts looking all pretty and respectable, then a big title font "LEZBOS." More realistically, some combination of Amber Heard and Erica Durance, perhaps? Although then you couldn't show that movie in the Middle East, since Amber Heard and Erica Durance playing canon lesbians could be classified as a WMD.
And of course, Shia LeBeouf as Zane. Dude. Dude.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – MORNING
Billie has fallen asleep sideway on Alicia's ass. It's actually pretty comfortable. She snuggles into a backpocket, accidentally rolling onto the remote. It unmutes the TV, which is on a horrible Spike TV version of Entertainment Tonight. An OBNOXIOUS MALE HOST talks like an MTV VJ born in the 70s.
HOST: (V.O.) And number thirty-two on our list of Celebrities That Give Us A Boner, Audrey Plaza!
Billie wakes up to see Maxim photoshoot-like video of Plaza strutting her stuff. It's predictably awkward. Terry Richardson is there.
HOST: (V.O.) Her chest may be more Milk Duds than milk jugs, but she's got it where it counts: bisexuality! In a hot-hot-hot interview with TV Guide, Audrey Plaza said she's been having lesbian sex since she was a ripe hot hottie of 17!
Cut to an interview with Audrey Plaza, who could not be more straight.
PLAZA: We used to do… lots of… sex things. With our tongues. Oh, and she was a stripper.
HOST: (V.O.) Since then, Audrey's gotten a red-hot supporting role in Men Are Pigs next to Sarah Jessica Parker, number ninety-nine on our list!
Billie gives Alicia a shake.
BILLIE: Wake up, you've got to see this!
Alicia wakes up facing Billie's crotch.
ALICIA: Your lady-tron?
HOST: (V.O.) Would you have sex with Angelina Jolie?
PLAZA: Absolutely.
HOST: (V.O.) Rosario Dawson?
PLAZA: Sure.
HOST: (V.O.) Rebecca Romijin?
PLAZA: I don't know who that is. But yeah.
She gestures with fingernails too long to ever fit in a woman's snatch.
HOST: (V.O.) Sorry, ladies, but this hot vixen is now all tied up with her husband of seven years and their two kids!
Shot of Audrey Plaza with a husband and two kids in front of a house with a white picket fence. Could not. Be more. Straight.
PLAZA: We definitely have threesomes. Not with two guys, though. That would be gross.
A final shot of Audrey Plaza at the beach, looking ridiculously pale in a bikini.
HOST: (V.O.) Next on our list of Celebrities That Give Us A Boner, Timothy Olyphant!
Billie shuts the TV off.
ALICIA: Hey, I was watching that!
BILLIE: Don't you get it? We need to become lesbians.
ALICIA: Is this gonna be like when you made us become vegans? Because that ended when I caught you apologizing to a steak while you ate it, remember?
Billie leaps up from the couch and starts cleaning in her excitement.
BILLIE: This is nothing like that! Megan Fox. Anna Paquin. Angelina Jolie. They all had these hot lesbian affairs in the past, then they got married and lived happily ever after! Why can't we do that?
ALICIA: Because we're not bisexual? (hopeful) Wait, are you?
BILLIE: You know I'm strictly dickly. But how hard can it be to pretend to be lesbians? They're just like other women, only whereas we don't have to have sex with guys because we're not with Viggo Mortenson, they don't want to have sex with guys because… you know… chicks.
Billie has filled a trash-bag in her excitement. She throws it beside the trash-can and starts doing dishes. Alicia gets up and notices the bunny, her face going "When the hell did we get a bunny?" She shrugs and goes about feeding it.
ALICIA: You're nuts, you know that? How is everyone thinking we're lesbians going to help us find guys?
BILLIE: Okay, so after a few weeks, we've made a lot of guy friends because we're hot lesbians. Then we fake-break up our fake relationship, move some suitable bachelors out of the Friend Zone, and bam, not only do we have relationships, but interesting sordid lesbian pasts!
ALICIA: Isn't this a little… I don't know… insensitive?
BILLIE: Please! What could support gay rights more than pretending to be gay? It's just like Sean Penn in Milk, except this won't hurt Madonna.
ALICIA: I don't know…
BILLIE: Do it and I'll help clean your apartment. Ha! I'm already cleaning your apartment! You have to say yes!
ALICIA: Alright, fine. I'll be in lesbians with you.
Billie squeals and runs over to Alicia, taking her hands.
BILLIE: We are going to be the best lesbians ever! Alright, first things first.
ALICIA: (simultaneous) Coffee.
BILLIE: (simultaneous) Research!
INT. VIDEO STORE – DAY
Billie walks into the last video store ever. The monotonely bored CLERK is painting a little war game figurine as Billie comes up to him. She's dressed in a ball cap, big sunglasses, and a thick raincoat.
BILLIE: (deep, disguised voice) Hello. I'd like some assistance and the Redbox outside couldn't help me. (beat, regular voice) Is it good for business having that right outside the entrance?
CLERK: (not looking up from his painting) No.
BILLIE: That's a nice little whatsit you've got there. Is it for a board game?
The Clerk shakes his head. We pan out to show that armies of figurines cover the counter, and the shelves, and everything.
CLERK: When I'm done, this will be a 1/200 scale reproduction of the Battle of Helm's Deep.
BILLIE: Sounds like you don't have much work to do. How much do they pay you?
CLERK: …pay me?
Billie looks around to see some cobwebs in the corner. A spider makes menacing noises at her.
BILLIE: (freaked) Anyway, I was looking for some lesbian films.
CLERK'S POV
She's not just disguised, she could be a man.
CLERK: Behind the curtain.
Billie looks over at the curtain. It's in back, a milky gray color.
BILLIE: Wow. Eggwhite curtain. Interesting aesthetic!
CLERK: (still not looking up) What are you talking about? It's black.
Billie goes over, tries to pass the curtain without actually touching it. She eventually takes her ballcap off and bats it aside, then uses her sunglasses to push away the other half. But she's crossed her arms instead of using her left hand to open the left curtain. Centering herself, Billie manages to sort of limbo inside.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Excuse me, sir? You have Jurassic Park mislabeled. Park isn't spelled with an O.
INT. ALICIA'S MILDLY LESS SHITTY APARTMENT – DAY
On TV, a porn movie is playing. Two pneumatic blondes are lounging around in lingerie and high heels, as you do.
BLONDE 1: Looks like the boys are taking their sweet time.
BLONDE 2: We'll just have to find ways to keep busy.
BLONDE 1: Yeah. Like getting busy!
SYNCH MUSIC plays. Another angle shows us Billie sitting on the couch with the bunny on her lap. She covers its eyes. Alicia brings them coffee.
ALICIA: Yeah, Bill, I don't think these women are lesbians. I'm not quite sure they're human.
BILLIE: Exactly! They're pretending to be lesbians. We can pick up some useful tips. Like carrying dildos around in our purses. Lesbians do that.
ALICIA: Do lesbians start giving blowjobs as soon as a man walks into the room?
BILLIE: Have you ever been in that situation? They might!
INT. ALICIA'S MILDLY LESS SHITTY APARTMENT – LATER
Billie is off-screen, changing clothes. Alicia glances over occasionally with sisterly interest, before hurriedly looking away.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Okay, we should play to our strengths. I'm the lady and you're the man. You look great, by the way!
ALICIA: (gritted teeth) I haven't gotten ready yet.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Sorry. Mind if I borrow your leather pants?
ALICIA: Those aren't mine, somebody left them there. So, where do lesbians hang out to find men to sleep with? Besides the internet, I mean.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Oh, we're not ready for that yet. We have to know that we can pass as lesbians first. We're going on a trial run.
EXT. LESBIAN BAR – EVENING
The flashing neon sign says "CLAMS," with a display of a mermaid wearing a seashell bra. Alicia stares at it.
ALICIA: Yeah. Everyone at Catholic school was right.
An off-screen Billie grabs her hand. "C'mon!"
INT. LESBIAN BAR – EVENING
It's, you know, a lesbian bar. What were you expecting, Sodom and Gomorrah? Women dressed in business attire unwind after their respective days. In walk Billie and Alicia. Alicia wears jeans, a leather jacket over a T-shirt, and cowboy boots, but her aggressive slouch nets her a few fans. Billie looks like Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease. The porn parody of Grease. She teeters to the bar in five-inch heels, sitting down beside a BIKER CHICK who could eat her for breakfast.
BILLIE: So you like having sex with women too? Awesome!
Alicia sits down beside her, signaling for a beer. She's just going to let this play out.
BIKER CHICK: (to Billie) What are you, a baby dyke?
BILLIE: (shocked) What? No! I'm not into babies! Even girl ones! Eww!
BIKER CHICK: I mean, are you new to being a lesbian?
BILLIE: Oh, yeah! Our men left us alone, so we thought "Why not!?"
The bartender brings Alicia's beer.
ALICIA: Keep it coming.
Billie bops her head in time with the music, thanking the BARTENDER for getting her order—an appletini.
BILLIE: (sotto voce, disguised behind the appletini's straw) They don't suspect a thing.
ALICIA: I want you to really remember this when you're making out your will. I want your TV.
A woman in a MINIDRESS, good-looking and on the prowl, sits down beside Alicia.
MINIDRESS: Hey. Saw you looking at me earlier. You, eh, like what you see?
ALICIA: (looking her over) That's a very fashion-forward ensemble, yes.
MINIDRESS: That all you have to say, baby?
ALICIA: (what the hell) Do you have a brother?
BILLIE: (noticing) Hey! That's my bitch!
Possessively, Billie pulls Alicia into a kiss—porn style. She sticks her tongue out and licks Alicia's tongue. The entire bar is staring. She starts going up and down on Alicia's tongue like it was a penis. Alicia's eyes are wide open, looking around at everyone in mortification.
MINIDRESS: So yeah, I'm just going to leave my number for when you're done… baby-sitting.
She writes it on a coaster and moves on. ANOTHER WOMAN, shyer, slips in and writes her number on the other side.
SHY WOMAN: (to Alicia) In case it doesn't work out.
Billie pulls away from Alicia and, for no earthly reason, makes a loud porn moan. The bartender comes by again.
BARTENDER: Hey, not to criticize their act, but after you finish your drinks, you'd better go. The drag queen revue is across the street.
Billie is scandalized.
BILLIE: (to Alicia) They think we're drag queens!
BARTENDER: Just you, really.
ALICIA: (face buried in her hands) We're both women!
BARTENDER: Oh… so sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Good luck with your operations!
Alicia grabs Billie by the hand and pulls her out the door.
BARTENDER: (watching Alicia go) Why are the good ones always taken?
EXT. LESBIAN BAR – EVENING
Outside, Alicia strips her jacket off and covers Billie's shame. Some lesbians enter the club. A few slip Alicia their numbers as they go in.
ALICIA: I'm not going to say I've never been so embarrassed in all my life, but I've never been so embarrassed in all my life with all my clothes on.
BILLIE: I see what you're getting at. We should go back and watch those movies, maybe there's something we missed—
ALICIA: No! We need to get method on this! What does Tom Cruise do before he films a movie?
BILLIE: …have sex with guys?
ALICIA: Billie, no. He does research. He finds someone who's done the things his character's done, he interviews them, gets all the little details right. That's why they've made four Mission: Impossible movies.
BILLIE: So you think we should go to a lesbian?
ALICIA: Yeah! Know any?
BILLIE: No. You?
ALICIA: One, but she's not an option.
A passing lesbian slips Alicia a Polaroid with her number on the bottom. Alicia looks at it.
ALICIA: Wow, is that your leg? That's impressive. Wow.
She shows it to Billie.
BILLIE: I didn't know people could be so… bendy. Wait, that reminds me!
EXT. MOTEL – BAD PART OF TOWN – EVENING
The kind of sleazy motel you take your mistress to… if you don't like her. One of the rooms has a dried bloodstain leading from the door to a parking space. Billie gingerly steps over it. She clings to Alicia.
ALICIA: You're sure this is the place?
BILLIE: I found the address in my pocket a month back. It had her name on it. (explains) Zane borrows my clothes sometimes.
Alicia stops touching Billie's clothes. They find the right door and Billie raises the knocker, which breaks off in her hand. She still uses it to knock. ERICA (remember her? Zane's girlfriend?) answers the door. She wears a blood-red dressing gown and is smoking a cigarette in a holder. Billie gulps.
ERICA: Well. Attractive lesbian. And little friend from cuckolding. Sorry about that. Didn't know he was attached.
ALICIA: Am I attractive lesbian…? She doesn't use pronouns…
BILLIE: Hi, Erica. Zane's not around, is he?
ERICA: Nyet. I don't like having him over.
ALICIA: So you live here?
ERICA: (shrugging) Cheaper than hiring maid. Want come in?
BILLIE: Sure. But people who love us know where we are, just so you know.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – EVENING
The place looks like the set of a porn movie, except for the stuffed donkey in the corner. Billie shies away from it. There being no chairs, Erica sits on a bed, as does Alicia. Not wanting to touch the sheets, Billie sits on Alicia.
BILLIE: Ms. Erica, we would like you to teach us to be lesbians.
ERICA: You seem already have the knack.
Billie looks down at Alicia's lap. Where she's sitting.
BILLIE: Oh, this? No, we just roomed in college together.
ERICA: Ah. One of those.
ALICIA: (doesn't care for Erica) What Billie's trying to say, if you spoke Technical Virgin, is that she wants to pretend to be a lesbian so she can meet someone new, since you stole her boyfriend.
ERICA: Ah yes. The Algerian Curveball.
BILLIE: (nudging Alicia in the ribs) See? We're not the first people to do it!
ERICA: Yes, you are. I just think Algerian Curveball would be good name for it.
ALICIA: So can you help us?
ERICA: I very busy. It would take hours of hard work. (to Alicia) Maybe not for you. But I have quota. Busy, busy, busy.
As always, Billie's confidence is shaky.
BILLIE: Well, alright, thank you for your time and you have a lovely motel!
She stands up. Alicia pulls her back down—onto her lap. Erica tsks at the girlfriendness of it all.
ALICIA: Listen, you owe her bigtime! Zane may have been a pig, but he was her pig! And we're not leaving here until you make things right.
BILLIE: Unless you have a gun. Then we'll leave quietly and tell no one what happened here.
ERICA: I have idea. I make list, things you need to be lesbian. Give you phone number, you can call me if any complains. But, you do something for me.
BILLIE: It's a drug buy! She's going to make us make a drug buy!
ALICIA: Relax, they're easier than they look.
ERICA: (pointing to herself) Not criminal! Russian! I run legitimate business! Porno films.
The girls look at each other as Erica gets up, begins bringing camera equipment out of the closet and setting it up.
ERICA: You star in little movie, you have my help.
ALICIA: Softcore or hardcore?
BILLIE: No! Not happening! (getting up) Good day, ma'am.
ERICA: Sit.
BILLIE: (back down) Okay.
Erica pulls out a cardboard box, taking out green bras and panties.
ERICA: Porn business not so bad. You wear these, we CGI in larger breasts, Brazilian waxes. Just pretend-hump a little. You probably dance closer at American dance parties.
BILLIE: That isn't so bad.
ERICA: Just said that.
BILLIE: I said it with proper grammar.
ALICIA: What about the guy?
Erica points at the stuffed donkey.
ERICA: Name was Earl. Very good donkey when alive. Gave many children happy fun rides. Died of cancer. So sad. With CGI, come back to life. Other way, PETA all up my ass. Fucking hippies.
ALICIA: Really! I mean, it's not like you're hurting the donkey—
BILLIE: You want us to put on a donkey show?
ERICA: On internet. You wear wigs, no one recognized you.
ALICIA: (considering) Well… wigs.
CUT TO our girls (wearing green two-piece swimsuits and blonde wigs) putting on a complete idiot's idea of a donkey show with Earl, improvising a number of things which are clearly impossible. First, Alicia gets under Earl and Billie shakes it at her in a crude approximation of coitus, then Alicia holds her groin to Earl's head like it's going down on her, then they turn Earl over and ride it cowgirl-style. Billie gets into it, giving it to Earl doggy-style despite lacking a penis. Alicia gets an S&M paddle and spanks Earl. Billie pretends to make-out with Earl and cops a feel. Alicia gives Earl a lap dance. Et cetera.
Erica comes back in to find Alicia and Earl going ass-to-ass. She hangs up her cell phone.
ERICA: I finish list. Here.
She hands it to Alicia.
ERICA: My number at bottom. Call me if you need anything. Anywhere. Vagina, possibly.
EXT. MOTEL – BAD PART OF TOWN – EVENING
They leave, back in their normal clothes.
BILLIE: I've never made a sex tape before! I feel so liberated! Let's knock over a 7-11!
Alicia is too busy scanning the list. She comes to Erica's phone number.
ALICIA: I didn't know 69 was an area code. Oh, I see. (beat) What is it with me that screams 'lesbian catnip'?
She climbs onto her HARLEY-DAVIDSON, Billie getting behind her. It looks like Frank Frazetta got into lesbian porn.
BILLIE: Maybe it's your tattoo!
Speaking of casting, I already said Jaime Murray would make a great Erica, but since it'd be cruel and unusual punishment for Jaime Murray to play a lesbian mentor without the accent of sexuality, now I'm thinking maybe Milla Jovovich? At the end, she could show up at the wedding with Ali Larter.
Oh noes, subtext! Yeah, this plot was inspired a little by the sheer number of female celebrities who give interviews about having bisexual pasts. Not that I'm calling anyone a liar, I just wanted to poke fun at the faddishness of it and the guys who actually fall for "hot lesbian action." Dudes, that just means there's twice as many people they'd rather date than you. I was actually thinking Olivia Wilde for a cameo, but that's too plausible to be funny, whereas IRL Daria being a Maxim model is just silly enough.
Any thoughts on cliches for the lesbian training sequence? I've already got them listening to Tegan & Sara.
And of course, Shia LeBeouf as Zane. Dude. Dude.
INT. ALICIA'S SHITTY APARTMENT – MORNING
Billie has fallen asleep sideway on Alicia's ass. It's actually pretty comfortable. She snuggles into a backpocket, accidentally rolling onto the remote. It unmutes the TV, which is on a horrible Spike TV version of Entertainment Tonight. An OBNOXIOUS MALE HOST talks like an MTV VJ born in the 70s.
HOST: (V.O.) And number thirty-two on our list of Celebrities That Give Us A Boner, Audrey Plaza!
Billie wakes up to see Maxim photoshoot-like video of Plaza strutting her stuff. It's predictably awkward. Terry Richardson is there.
HOST: (V.O.) Her chest may be more Milk Duds than milk jugs, but she's got it where it counts: bisexuality! In a hot-hot-hot interview with TV Guide, Audrey Plaza said she's been having lesbian sex since she was a ripe hot hottie of 17!
Cut to an interview with Audrey Plaza, who could not be more straight.
PLAZA: We used to do… lots of… sex things. With our tongues. Oh, and she was a stripper.
HOST: (V.O.) Since then, Audrey's gotten a red-hot supporting role in Men Are Pigs next to Sarah Jessica Parker, number ninety-nine on our list!
Billie gives Alicia a shake.
BILLIE: Wake up, you've got to see this!
Alicia wakes up facing Billie's crotch.
ALICIA: Your lady-tron?
HOST: (V.O.) Would you have sex with Angelina Jolie?
PLAZA: Absolutely.
HOST: (V.O.) Rosario Dawson?
PLAZA: Sure.
HOST: (V.O.) Rebecca Romijin?
PLAZA: I don't know who that is. But yeah.
She gestures with fingernails too long to ever fit in a woman's snatch.
HOST: (V.O.) Sorry, ladies, but this hot vixen is now all tied up with her husband of seven years and their two kids!
Shot of Audrey Plaza with a husband and two kids in front of a house with a white picket fence. Could not. Be more. Straight.
PLAZA: We definitely have threesomes. Not with two guys, though. That would be gross.
A final shot of Audrey Plaza at the beach, looking ridiculously pale in a bikini.
HOST: (V.O.) Next on our list of Celebrities That Give Us A Boner, Timothy Olyphant!
Billie shuts the TV off.
ALICIA: Hey, I was watching that!
BILLIE: Don't you get it? We need to become lesbians.
ALICIA: Is this gonna be like when you made us become vegans? Because that ended when I caught you apologizing to a steak while you ate it, remember?
Billie leaps up from the couch and starts cleaning in her excitement.
BILLIE: This is nothing like that! Megan Fox. Anna Paquin. Angelina Jolie. They all had these hot lesbian affairs in the past, then they got married and lived happily ever after! Why can't we do that?
ALICIA: Because we're not bisexual? (hopeful) Wait, are you?
BILLIE: You know I'm strictly dickly. But how hard can it be to pretend to be lesbians? They're just like other women, only whereas we don't have to have sex with guys because we're not with Viggo Mortenson, they don't want to have sex with guys because… you know… chicks.
Billie has filled a trash-bag in her excitement. She throws it beside the trash-can and starts doing dishes. Alicia gets up and notices the bunny, her face going "When the hell did we get a bunny?" She shrugs and goes about feeding it.
ALICIA: You're nuts, you know that? How is everyone thinking we're lesbians going to help us find guys?
BILLIE: Okay, so after a few weeks, we've made a lot of guy friends because we're hot lesbians. Then we fake-break up our fake relationship, move some suitable bachelors out of the Friend Zone, and bam, not only do we have relationships, but interesting sordid lesbian pasts!
ALICIA: Isn't this a little… I don't know… insensitive?
BILLIE: Please! What could support gay rights more than pretending to be gay? It's just like Sean Penn in Milk, except this won't hurt Madonna.
ALICIA: I don't know…
BILLIE: Do it and I'll help clean your apartment. Ha! I'm already cleaning your apartment! You have to say yes!
ALICIA: Alright, fine. I'll be in lesbians with you.
Billie squeals and runs over to Alicia, taking her hands.
BILLIE: We are going to be the best lesbians ever! Alright, first things first.
ALICIA: (simultaneous) Coffee.
BILLIE: (simultaneous) Research!
INT. VIDEO STORE – DAY
Billie walks into the last video store ever. The monotonely bored CLERK is painting a little war game figurine as Billie comes up to him. She's dressed in a ball cap, big sunglasses, and a thick raincoat.
BILLIE: (deep, disguised voice) Hello. I'd like some assistance and the Redbox outside couldn't help me. (beat, regular voice) Is it good for business having that right outside the entrance?
CLERK: (not looking up from his painting) No.
BILLIE: That's a nice little whatsit you've got there. Is it for a board game?
The Clerk shakes his head. We pan out to show that armies of figurines cover the counter, and the shelves, and everything.
CLERK: When I'm done, this will be a 1/200 scale reproduction of the Battle of Helm's Deep.
BILLIE: Sounds like you don't have much work to do. How much do they pay you?
CLERK: …pay me?
Billie looks around to see some cobwebs in the corner. A spider makes menacing noises at her.
BILLIE: (freaked) Anyway, I was looking for some lesbian films.
CLERK'S POV
She's not just disguised, she could be a man.
CLERK: Behind the curtain.
Billie looks over at the curtain. It's in back, a milky gray color.
BILLIE: Wow. Eggwhite curtain. Interesting aesthetic!
CLERK: (still not looking up) What are you talking about? It's black.
Billie goes over, tries to pass the curtain without actually touching it. She eventually takes her ballcap off and bats it aside, then uses her sunglasses to push away the other half. But she's crossed her arms instead of using her left hand to open the left curtain. Centering herself, Billie manages to sort of limbo inside.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Excuse me, sir? You have Jurassic Park mislabeled. Park isn't spelled with an O.
INT. ALICIA'S MILDLY LESS SHITTY APARTMENT – DAY
On TV, a porn movie is playing. Two pneumatic blondes are lounging around in lingerie and high heels, as you do.
BLONDE 1: Looks like the boys are taking their sweet time.
BLONDE 2: We'll just have to find ways to keep busy.
BLONDE 1: Yeah. Like getting busy!
SYNCH MUSIC plays. Another angle shows us Billie sitting on the couch with the bunny on her lap. She covers its eyes. Alicia brings them coffee.
ALICIA: Yeah, Bill, I don't think these women are lesbians. I'm not quite sure they're human.
BILLIE: Exactly! They're pretending to be lesbians. We can pick up some useful tips. Like carrying dildos around in our purses. Lesbians do that.
ALICIA: Do lesbians start giving blowjobs as soon as a man walks into the room?
BILLIE: Have you ever been in that situation? They might!
INT. ALICIA'S MILDLY LESS SHITTY APARTMENT – LATER
Billie is off-screen, changing clothes. Alicia glances over occasionally with sisterly interest, before hurriedly looking away.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Okay, we should play to our strengths. I'm the lady and you're the man. You look great, by the way!
ALICIA: (gritted teeth) I haven't gotten ready yet.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Sorry. Mind if I borrow your leather pants?
ALICIA: Those aren't mine, somebody left them there. So, where do lesbians hang out to find men to sleep with? Besides the internet, I mean.
BILLIE: (O.S.) Oh, we're not ready for that yet. We have to know that we can pass as lesbians first. We're going on a trial run.
EXT. LESBIAN BAR – EVENING
The flashing neon sign says "CLAMS," with a display of a mermaid wearing a seashell bra. Alicia stares at it.
ALICIA: Yeah. Everyone at Catholic school was right.
An off-screen Billie grabs her hand. "C'mon!"
INT. LESBIAN BAR – EVENING
It's, you know, a lesbian bar. What were you expecting, Sodom and Gomorrah? Women dressed in business attire unwind after their respective days. In walk Billie and Alicia. Alicia wears jeans, a leather jacket over a T-shirt, and cowboy boots, but her aggressive slouch nets her a few fans. Billie looks like Olivia Newton-John at the end of Grease. The porn parody of Grease. She teeters to the bar in five-inch heels, sitting down beside a BIKER CHICK who could eat her for breakfast.
BILLIE: So you like having sex with women too? Awesome!
Alicia sits down beside her, signaling for a beer. She's just going to let this play out.
BIKER CHICK: (to Billie) What are you, a baby dyke?
BILLIE: (shocked) What? No! I'm not into babies! Even girl ones! Eww!
BIKER CHICK: I mean, are you new to being a lesbian?
BILLIE: Oh, yeah! Our men left us alone, so we thought "Why not!?"
The bartender brings Alicia's beer.
ALICIA: Keep it coming.
Billie bops her head in time with the music, thanking the BARTENDER for getting her order—an appletini.
BILLIE: (sotto voce, disguised behind the appletini's straw) They don't suspect a thing.
ALICIA: I want you to really remember this when you're making out your will. I want your TV.
A woman in a MINIDRESS, good-looking and on the prowl, sits down beside Alicia.
MINIDRESS: Hey. Saw you looking at me earlier. You, eh, like what you see?
ALICIA: (looking her over) That's a very fashion-forward ensemble, yes.
MINIDRESS: That all you have to say, baby?
ALICIA: (what the hell) Do you have a brother?
BILLIE: (noticing) Hey! That's my bitch!
Possessively, Billie pulls Alicia into a kiss—porn style. She sticks her tongue out and licks Alicia's tongue. The entire bar is staring. She starts going up and down on Alicia's tongue like it was a penis. Alicia's eyes are wide open, looking around at everyone in mortification.
MINIDRESS: So yeah, I'm just going to leave my number for when you're done… baby-sitting.
She writes it on a coaster and moves on. ANOTHER WOMAN, shyer, slips in and writes her number on the other side.
SHY WOMAN: (to Alicia) In case it doesn't work out.
Billie pulls away from Alicia and, for no earthly reason, makes a loud porn moan. The bartender comes by again.
BARTENDER: Hey, not to criticize their act, but after you finish your drinks, you'd better go. The drag queen revue is across the street.
Billie is scandalized.
BILLIE: (to Alicia) They think we're drag queens!
BARTENDER: Just you, really.
ALICIA: (face buried in her hands) We're both women!
BARTENDER: Oh… so sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Good luck with your operations!
Alicia grabs Billie by the hand and pulls her out the door.
BARTENDER: (watching Alicia go) Why are the good ones always taken?
EXT. LESBIAN BAR – EVENING
Outside, Alicia strips her jacket off and covers Billie's shame. Some lesbians enter the club. A few slip Alicia their numbers as they go in.
ALICIA: I'm not going to say I've never been so embarrassed in all my life, but I've never been so embarrassed in all my life with all my clothes on.
BILLIE: I see what you're getting at. We should go back and watch those movies, maybe there's something we missed—
ALICIA: No! We need to get method on this! What does Tom Cruise do before he films a movie?
BILLIE: …have sex with guys?
ALICIA: Billie, no. He does research. He finds someone who's done the things his character's done, he interviews them, gets all the little details right. That's why they've made four Mission: Impossible movies.
BILLIE: So you think we should go to a lesbian?
ALICIA: Yeah! Know any?
BILLIE: No. You?
ALICIA: One, but she's not an option.
A passing lesbian slips Alicia a Polaroid with her number on the bottom. Alicia looks at it.
ALICIA: Wow, is that your leg? That's impressive. Wow.
She shows it to Billie.
BILLIE: I didn't know people could be so… bendy. Wait, that reminds me!
EXT. MOTEL – BAD PART OF TOWN – EVENING
The kind of sleazy motel you take your mistress to… if you don't like her. One of the rooms has a dried bloodstain leading from the door to a parking space. Billie gingerly steps over it. She clings to Alicia.
ALICIA: You're sure this is the place?
BILLIE: I found the address in my pocket a month back. It had her name on it. (explains) Zane borrows my clothes sometimes.
Alicia stops touching Billie's clothes. They find the right door and Billie raises the knocker, which breaks off in her hand. She still uses it to knock. ERICA (remember her? Zane's girlfriend?) answers the door. She wears a blood-red dressing gown and is smoking a cigarette in a holder. Billie gulps.
ERICA: Well. Attractive lesbian. And little friend from cuckolding. Sorry about that. Didn't know he was attached.
ALICIA: Am I attractive lesbian…? She doesn't use pronouns…
BILLIE: Hi, Erica. Zane's not around, is he?
ERICA: Nyet. I don't like having him over.
ALICIA: So you live here?
ERICA: (shrugging) Cheaper than hiring maid. Want come in?
BILLIE: Sure. But people who love us know where we are, just so you know.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – EVENING
The place looks like the set of a porn movie, except for the stuffed donkey in the corner. Billie shies away from it. There being no chairs, Erica sits on a bed, as does Alicia. Not wanting to touch the sheets, Billie sits on Alicia.
BILLIE: Ms. Erica, we would like you to teach us to be lesbians.
ERICA: You seem already have the knack.
Billie looks down at Alicia's lap. Where she's sitting.
BILLIE: Oh, this? No, we just roomed in college together.
ERICA: Ah. One of those.
ALICIA: (doesn't care for Erica) What Billie's trying to say, if you spoke Technical Virgin, is that she wants to pretend to be a lesbian so she can meet someone new, since you stole her boyfriend.
ERICA: Ah yes. The Algerian Curveball.
BILLIE: (nudging Alicia in the ribs) See? We're not the first people to do it!
ERICA: Yes, you are. I just think Algerian Curveball would be good name for it.
ALICIA: So can you help us?
ERICA: I very busy. It would take hours of hard work. (to Alicia) Maybe not for you. But I have quota. Busy, busy, busy.
As always, Billie's confidence is shaky.
BILLIE: Well, alright, thank you for your time and you have a lovely motel!
She stands up. Alicia pulls her back down—onto her lap. Erica tsks at the girlfriendness of it all.
ALICIA: Listen, you owe her bigtime! Zane may have been a pig, but he was her pig! And we're not leaving here until you make things right.
BILLIE: Unless you have a gun. Then we'll leave quietly and tell no one what happened here.
ERICA: I have idea. I make list, things you need to be lesbian. Give you phone number, you can call me if any complains. But, you do something for me.
BILLIE: It's a drug buy! She's going to make us make a drug buy!
ALICIA: Relax, they're easier than they look.
ERICA: (pointing to herself) Not criminal! Russian! I run legitimate business! Porno films.
The girls look at each other as Erica gets up, begins bringing camera equipment out of the closet and setting it up.
ERICA: You star in little movie, you have my help.
ALICIA: Softcore or hardcore?
BILLIE: No! Not happening! (getting up) Good day, ma'am.
ERICA: Sit.
BILLIE: (back down) Okay.
Erica pulls out a cardboard box, taking out green bras and panties.
ERICA: Porn business not so bad. You wear these, we CGI in larger breasts, Brazilian waxes. Just pretend-hump a little. You probably dance closer at American dance parties.
BILLIE: That isn't so bad.
ERICA: Just said that.
BILLIE: I said it with proper grammar.
ALICIA: What about the guy?
Erica points at the stuffed donkey.
ERICA: Name was Earl. Very good donkey when alive. Gave many children happy fun rides. Died of cancer. So sad. With CGI, come back to life. Other way, PETA all up my ass. Fucking hippies.
ALICIA: Really! I mean, it's not like you're hurting the donkey—
BILLIE: You want us to put on a donkey show?
ERICA: On internet. You wear wigs, no one recognized you.
ALICIA: (considering) Well… wigs.
CUT TO our girls (wearing green two-piece swimsuits and blonde wigs) putting on a complete idiot's idea of a donkey show with Earl, improvising a number of things which are clearly impossible. First, Alicia gets under Earl and Billie shakes it at her in a crude approximation of coitus, then Alicia holds her groin to Earl's head like it's going down on her, then they turn Earl over and ride it cowgirl-style. Billie gets into it, giving it to Earl doggy-style despite lacking a penis. Alicia gets an S&M paddle and spanks Earl. Billie pretends to make-out with Earl and cops a feel. Alicia gives Earl a lap dance. Et cetera.
Erica comes back in to find Alicia and Earl going ass-to-ass. She hangs up her cell phone.
ERICA: I finish list. Here.
She hands it to Alicia.
ERICA: My number at bottom. Call me if you need anything. Anywhere. Vagina, possibly.
EXT. MOTEL – BAD PART OF TOWN – EVENING
They leave, back in their normal clothes.
BILLIE: I've never made a sex tape before! I feel so liberated! Let's knock over a 7-11!
Alicia is too busy scanning the list. She comes to Erica's phone number.
ALICIA: I didn't know 69 was an area code. Oh, I see. (beat) What is it with me that screams 'lesbian catnip'?
She climbs onto her HARLEY-DAVIDSON, Billie getting behind her. It looks like Frank Frazetta got into lesbian porn.
BILLIE: Maybe it's your tattoo!
Speaking of casting, I already said Jaime Murray would make a great Erica, but since it'd be cruel and unusual punishment for Jaime Murray to play a lesbian mentor without the accent of sexuality, now I'm thinking maybe Milla Jovovich? At the end, she could show up at the wedding with Ali Larter.
Oh noes, subtext! Yeah, this plot was inspired a little by the sheer number of female celebrities who give interviews about having bisexual pasts. Not that I'm calling anyone a liar, I just wanted to poke fun at the faddishness of it and the guys who actually fall for "hot lesbian action." Dudes, that just means there's twice as many people they'd rather date than you. I was actually thinking Olivia Wilde for a cameo, but that's too plausible to be funny, whereas IRL Daria being a Maxim model is just silly enough.
Any thoughts on cliches for the lesbian training sequence? I've already got them listening to Tegan & Sara.
