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seriousficHello, inevitable readers from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
box_in_the_box's link. So, as some of you may know, Peter Parker is now dating a character named Carlie Cooper, who is basically Anthony from For Better Or Worse without the moustache with a very faint moustache. She's a love interest who is utterly perfect for Peter, and if you don't believe, you can just ask every character in the Spider-Man comics. And in a move that is not at all out of a mix between Greek tragedy and a metafictional Stephen King novel, she's named after Joe Quesada's daughter. However, I got a look at the script for the next issue, and I think that might have backfired on them…
PANEL 1: INT. COFFEE BEAN – Peter is going up to Mary-Jane to drink coffee, just like he did in the seventies!!!1!
PETER: Hey, MJ. I went on a date with Carlie, like you said.
MJ: Oh, really? Jesus.
MJ: That was a joke. Most men I know would rather commit suicide than let their dicks get in the same room as her.
MJ: She offered Luke Cage anal and he turned her down. Cage!
PANEL 2: Peter sits down across from MJ, looking askew.
PETER: Are you jealous?
MJ: Jealous? Peter, I broke up with you because anyone you get involved with is bound to die. Didn't you learn that from Gwen? You only visit that stupid bridge every day.
MJ: It's not like you even know which one it is.
PETER: Gwen died because she had sex outside of wedlock and you know it.
PANEL 3: MJ leans forward.
MJ: Peter, you need to get involved with someone who doesn't have a family, or who has superpowers so he can defend himself. It's the only way for you to have a sex life, which is all that should matter to you as a young heterosexual man.
PETER: Wait, he?
MJ: The Punisher's whole family was gunned down. Hint, hint.
MJ: And Johnny Storm's entire family has superpowers. His power is to be flaming.
PANEL 4: Peter rears back. No homo.
PETER: MJ, as a progressive role model for the youth of today, I accept alternate lifestyle choices, but that shit is nasty.
MJ: Is it? Is it nasty for you to film yourself having sex with two men and then sending me the video? Is it wrong for me to then post-convert that video into 3D? Or is it love?
PANEL 5: Peter tries to ignore the face MJ is making.
PETER: I thought we were talking about Carlie.
MJ: What's there to talk about? She's Gwen with slightly more brain activity.
MJ: By which I mean Gwen's corpse. Because back in her "daddy issues R us" days, she was a MENSA candidate compared to your gal.
MJ: I'm just saying, it takes a special woman to be interested in a man with no job who lives with a Latina stereotype. The kind of special that participates in the kind of Olympics where everyone's a winner, if you get my drift.
PETER: My roommate is not a stereotype.
MJ: Your roommate is how gay men see Michelle Rodriguez.
The only woman man enough for Vin Diesel...
PANEL 6: MJ sips her coffee while Peter tries to respond to MJ's allegations.
PETER: But… Michelle got raped. Surely, THAT makes her a complex character…
MJ: So I assume we're going to talk about your sex life now and not while I did last night while watching a sex tape of Billy and Teddy "avenging" their anal virginity.
PETER: Okay, so I did like you suggested and took her out. But then…
MJ: Let me guess. A supervillain interrupted, you had to fight him, but she understood because she's so perfect for you.
PETER: Should I skip that part?
MJ: Only if you don't want to see how far I can projectile vomit.
PAGE 2 – PANEL 1: With Peter narrating in caption boxes, we see a flashback to last night. Carlie is disrobing for Peter. We see her firm, toned thighs and the curve of her heavy, supple breasts. Ed's note: No nipples or vulva. We're going to need that red ink for when Scorpion eats a baby pizza on page 12.
PETER: (V.O.) So we got home and she started taking her clothes off. I was so surprised I almost told her not to look at my face.
MJ: (V.O.) Women have to be told that? I got through all that non-procreative sex we had by writing Apollo/Midnighter smut in my head.
PETER: (V.O.) Anyway, I get in the customary thirty seconds and she's lying there like a log. I mean, Joe Quesada's mother has shown more life after becoming a home owner.
When I die, I will either go here or into Twilight fandom.
PANEL 2: As Peter cries into his pillow, as is his wont, Carlie leaves for the bathroom. We see the sensual bulge of her voluptuous ass in shadow, with a delineation of black that just might be her mons. Ed's note: You guys know she's named after my daughter, right?
PETER: (V.O.) So she went into the bathroom and comes out five minutes later with this white powder around her nostrils. Weird, huh?
MJ: (V.O.) A woman being drugged AFTER having sex with you? Yes. Peculiar.
PANEL 3: Carlie lowers her head into Peter's lap, her full, red lips parting to take in every inch of his manhood, her breasts swaying with the nipples just out of frame. Ed's note: Okay, I guess it was pretty stupid to name a character whose only function was to be a fuck-object after my daughter. Make sure we can't see Peter's cock.
PETER: (V.O.) So she started giving me an euphemism for a blowjob. And I swear to God, it's so sloppy you'd think it had something to do with the X-Men's backstory. I wouldn't say it was good, but now I know what Listerine feels like.
PETER: (V.O.) After a while, I started feeling embarrassed for her.
MJ: (V.O.) Really? I started feeling embarrassed for her when her initials were CC. She's named after e-mail sloppy seconds.
PANEL 4: Carlie moves over Peter, her pendulous breasts pancaking against his flat, Edward Cullen torso, her hips grinding onto his crotch, just going at him and at him like a critic after a movie based on a toyline. Ed's note: This shit is hot!
PETER: (V.O) Then we did the dirty thing and she keeps trying to kiss me, even though she has that ranch dressing taste in her mouth. I mean, fuck, just because I want to watch Sasha Grey do it with a black guy, doesn't mean I want it to happen to me.
PETER: (V.O.) Then she put a finger up my butt.
MJ: (V.O.) So, silver lining?
PAGE 3 – PANEL 1: We see a full-page spread of Peter talking to MJ, with him demonstrating through hand gestures all the sexual positions that Mark Millar spammed Urban Dictionary with.
PETER: (V.O.) And that's when she made me dress up like a burro…
PETER: (V.O.) But then while she was pegging me, she punched me in the back of the head.
PETER: (V.O.) Even I was surprised that those two Dutchmen could get their penises into the same hole. And I've beaten Firelord.
PETER: (V.O.) It sounded like I was raping a cat. I mean, like Harry was raping a cat.
PETER: (V.O.) I really just feel I should've taken off the burro suit before putting on the SS uniform. What was I, a Nazi burro? Why would a burro join the Nazi Party?
PETER: (V.O.) Did you know pancake batter could go rancid? Because that's exactly what she tasted like.
PETER: (V.O.) She just kept yelling at me so finally I just nodded and peed on her.
PETER: (V.O.) And so I found the seventh and final Horcrux and defeated Voldemort. In her anus.
Afterward, we doused the chihuahua in holy water and buried it on hallowed ground. Maybe that got rid of the evil… OR MAYBE IT DIDN'T.
PANEL 2: MJ is doubled over vomiting.
MJ: I didn't even eat anything!
MJ: This is intestine!
PANEL 3: MJ wipes her mouth (it was not intestine).
MJ: Peter, whether you're atheist, Christian, or one of those stupid other worldviews, it's your moral obligation to burn her as a witch and then put the ashes somewhere no one can have sex with them.
PETER: You're overreacting.
MJ: My womb is trying to escape from my vagina. You've taught it fear.
PANEL 4: Close on Peter, looking a lot like Joe Quesada, as MJ says…
MJ: (offscreen) In fact, I've decided to become a nun in Carpathia as soon as I erase all evidence of my life here in New York, and set up a million-dollar bet which will be paid to whoever can go the longest without mentioning my existence in any way.
Ed's note: Good, you got my memo. Could we also do something to make it clear she won't be coming back, like having her die of period on the way to Carpathia? That's a thing that happens to vagina-ladies, right?
PETER: Good for you, MJ. I feel like Carlie and I will be together until it's slightly dramatic for us to break up, and there's someone new for me to want to have sex with, but not be able to for some silly reason like her being the Shocker's female clone, or Jewish.
PANEL 5: Peter angsts over Uncle Ben or some shit until a guy Steve Dikto created shows up to eat, rape, or eat/rape something. I don't even know.
What was great about the Lee/Dikto era was when they took something from the 1920s and gave it a scythe!
box_in_the_box's link. So, as some of you may know, Peter Parker is now dating a character named Carlie Cooper, who is basically Anthony from For Better Or Worse PANEL 1: INT. COFFEE BEAN – Peter is going up to Mary-Jane to drink coffee, just like he did in the seventies!!!1!
PETER: Hey, MJ. I went on a date with Carlie, like you said.
MJ: Oh, really? Jesus.
MJ: That was a joke. Most men I know would rather commit suicide than let their dicks get in the same room as her.
MJ: She offered Luke Cage anal and he turned her down. Cage!
PANEL 2: Peter sits down across from MJ, looking askew.
PETER: Are you jealous?
MJ: Jealous? Peter, I broke up with you because anyone you get involved with is bound to die. Didn't you learn that from Gwen? You only visit that stupid bridge every day.
MJ: It's not like you even know which one it is.
PETER: Gwen died because she had sex outside of wedlock and you know it.
PANEL 3: MJ leans forward.
MJ: Peter, you need to get involved with someone who doesn't have a family, or who has superpowers so he can defend himself. It's the only way for you to have a sex life, which is all that should matter to you as a young heterosexual man.
PETER: Wait, he?
MJ: The Punisher's whole family was gunned down. Hint, hint.
MJ: And Johnny Storm's entire family has superpowers. His power is to be flaming.
PANEL 4: Peter rears back. No homo.
PETER: MJ, as a progressive role model for the youth of today, I accept alternate lifestyle choices, but that shit is nasty.
MJ: Is it? Is it nasty for you to film yourself having sex with two men and then sending me the video? Is it wrong for me to then post-convert that video into 3D? Or is it love?
PANEL 5: Peter tries to ignore the face MJ is making.
PETER: I thought we were talking about Carlie.
MJ: What's there to talk about? She's Gwen with slightly more brain activity.
MJ: By which I mean Gwen's corpse. Because back in her "daddy issues R us" days, she was a MENSA candidate compared to your gal.
MJ: I'm just saying, it takes a special woman to be interested in a man with no job who lives with a Latina stereotype. The kind of special that participates in the kind of Olympics where everyone's a winner, if you get my drift.
PETER: My roommate is not a stereotype.
MJ: Your roommate is how gay men see Michelle Rodriguez.
The only woman man enough for Vin Diesel...
PANEL 6: MJ sips her coffee while Peter tries to respond to MJ's allegations.
PETER: But… Michelle got raped. Surely, THAT makes her a complex character…
MJ: So I assume we're going to talk about your sex life now and not while I did last night while watching a sex tape of Billy and Teddy "avenging" their anal virginity.
PETER: Okay, so I did like you suggested and took her out. But then…
MJ: Let me guess. A supervillain interrupted, you had to fight him, but she understood because she's so perfect for you.
PETER: Should I skip that part?
MJ: Only if you don't want to see how far I can projectile vomit.
PAGE 2 – PANEL 1: With Peter narrating in caption boxes, we see a flashback to last night. Carlie is disrobing for Peter. We see her firm, toned thighs and the curve of her heavy, supple breasts. Ed's note: No nipples or vulva. We're going to need that red ink for when Scorpion eats a baby pizza on page 12.
PETER: (V.O.) So we got home and she started taking her clothes off. I was so surprised I almost told her not to look at my face.
MJ: (V.O.) Women have to be told that? I got through all that non-procreative sex we had by writing Apollo/Midnighter smut in my head.
PETER: (V.O.) Anyway, I get in the customary thirty seconds and she's lying there like a log. I mean, Joe Quesada's mother has shown more life after becoming a home owner.
When I die, I will either go here or into Twilight fandom.
PANEL 2: As Peter cries into his pillow, as is his wont, Carlie leaves for the bathroom. We see the sensual bulge of her voluptuous ass in shadow, with a delineation of black that just might be her mons. Ed's note: You guys know she's named after my daughter, right?
PETER: (V.O.) So she went into the bathroom and comes out five minutes later with this white powder around her nostrils. Weird, huh?
MJ: (V.O.) A woman being drugged AFTER having sex with you? Yes. Peculiar.
PANEL 3: Carlie lowers her head into Peter's lap, her full, red lips parting to take in every inch of his manhood, her breasts swaying with the nipples just out of frame. Ed's note: Okay, I guess it was pretty stupid to name a character whose only function was to be a fuck-object after my daughter. Make sure we can't see Peter's cock.
PETER: (V.O.) So she started giving me an euphemism for a blowjob. And I swear to God, it's so sloppy you'd think it had something to do with the X-Men's backstory. I wouldn't say it was good, but now I know what Listerine feels like.
PETER: (V.O.) After a while, I started feeling embarrassed for her.
MJ: (V.O.) Really? I started feeling embarrassed for her when her initials were CC. She's named after e-mail sloppy seconds.
PANEL 4: Carlie moves over Peter, her pendulous breasts pancaking against his flat, Edward Cullen torso, her hips grinding onto his crotch, just going at him and at him like a critic after a movie based on a toyline. Ed's note: This shit is hot!
PETER: (V.O) Then we did the dirty thing and she keeps trying to kiss me, even though she has that ranch dressing taste in her mouth. I mean, fuck, just because I want to watch Sasha Grey do it with a black guy, doesn't mean I want it to happen to me.
PETER: (V.O.) Then she put a finger up my butt.
MJ: (V.O.) So, silver lining?
PAGE 3 – PANEL 1: We see a full-page spread of Peter talking to MJ, with him demonstrating through hand gestures all the sexual positions that Mark Millar spammed Urban Dictionary with.
PETER: (V.O.) And that's when she made me dress up like a burro…
PETER: (V.O.) But then while she was pegging me, she punched me in the back of the head.
PETER: (V.O.) Even I was surprised that those two Dutchmen could get their penises into the same hole. And I've beaten Firelord.
PETER: (V.O.) It sounded like I was raping a cat. I mean, like Harry was raping a cat.
PETER: (V.O.) I really just feel I should've taken off the burro suit before putting on the SS uniform. What was I, a Nazi burro? Why would a burro join the Nazi Party?
PETER: (V.O.) Did you know pancake batter could go rancid? Because that's exactly what she tasted like.
PETER: (V.O.) She just kept yelling at me so finally I just nodded and peed on her.
PETER: (V.O.) And so I found the seventh and final Horcrux and defeated Voldemort. In her anus.
Afterward, we doused the chihuahua in holy water and buried it on hallowed ground. Maybe that got rid of the evil… OR MAYBE IT DIDN'T.
PANEL 2: MJ is doubled over vomiting.
MJ: I didn't even eat anything!
MJ: This is intestine!
PANEL 3: MJ wipes her mouth (it was not intestine).
MJ: Peter, whether you're atheist, Christian, or one of those stupid other worldviews, it's your moral obligation to burn her as a witch and then put the ashes somewhere no one can have sex with them.
PETER: You're overreacting.
MJ: My womb is trying to escape from my vagina. You've taught it fear.
PANEL 4: Close on Peter, looking a lot like Joe Quesada, as MJ says…
MJ: (offscreen) In fact, I've decided to become a nun in Carpathia as soon as I erase all evidence of my life here in New York, and set up a million-dollar bet which will be paid to whoever can go the longest without mentioning my existence in any way.
Ed's note: Good, you got my memo. Could we also do something to make it clear she won't be coming back, like having her die of period on the way to Carpathia? That's a thing that happens to vagina-ladies, right?
PETER: Good for you, MJ. I feel like Carlie and I will be together until it's slightly dramatic for us to break up, and there's someone new for me to want to have sex with, but not be able to for some silly reason like her being the Shocker's female clone, or Jewish.
PANEL 5: Peter angsts over Uncle Ben or some shit until a guy Steve Dikto created shows up to eat, rape, or eat/rape something. I don't even know.
What was great about the Lee/Dikto era was when they took something from the 1920s and gave it a scythe!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-09-10 04:42 pm (UTC)Collectively known as "terrorists".
no subject
Date: 2010-09-10 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-10 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-10 09:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-11 04:22 am (UTC)Seriously good work, man.
another inevitable reader from box's link
Date: 2010-09-11 07:14 pm (UTC)wait a minute. if carlie is named after joe q's daughter and peter is joe q. as we determined here (http://box-in-the-box.livejournal.com/379304.html), does that mean that........
OH GAWD!!!!!!!
THOUGHTS! BAD! IN BRAIN!!!!!!! CAN'T GET THEM OUT!!!!!!
no subject
Date: 2010-09-13 04:22 pm (UTC)