Roswell unwatch - River Dog

[seriousfic]

I won't review the last episode, since it was actually entertaining enough that I can't complain about it, even if it did feature the surreal sight of Dexter's wife spin-kicking the bad guy from Die Hard 2: Die Harder.

So the kids are stuck in a secret room under this house that Michael's been drawing and FBI agent Darla is above them. They grab all the files they can before booking it, not that any of it will matter, since the FBI will steal the files again. Which… pretty much confirms they're aliens, doesn't it? I mean, they went out on a ~quest~ and stole some stuff that's only relevant to aliens, so they're either aliens or the cast of the X-Files' little-seen youth spin-off, X-Files: Generation X. Plus, as kids they were found walking around naked with no memories in the same town as an alien ship's crash landing (I'm assuming that's why the FBI are het up to begin with).

I don't know, I just don't get the government's angle on all this. They strongly suspect the teens are aliens, enough to devote countless man-hours to investigating them, so why don't they just arrest them and compel them to give a blood sample. National security, done. It's a bit odd to have villains who are so respectful of civil rights.

On the other hand, maybe the government is smart for once in sci-fi and doesn't want to offend the only known members of an advanced alien situation. In which case, why not go up to them and say "hey, we know you're aliens, want us to take you to our leader?" or some such?

So they get away and Michael wants to have a pow-wow with everyone on Team Alien to go through the files, but Max wants to keep it to the core three xenos. Wait, Michael wants to include sexy, sexy humans and Max wants to leave them out? Is this like the mirror universe episode of Enterprise?

Isabel should probably have something clever to say about this, but doesn't. She so desperately wants to be the Cara of this series, but the writers aren't nearly that self-aware. Poor thing.

Speaking of Izzy, she managed to grab a weird amulet from the secret room before they left. So they traded the key McGuffin for a necklace McGuffin. Just five more and they can defeat the Dark Lord!



Agent Darla is caught following the kids by Sheriff Bad Guy From Die Harder and instead of giving her a ticket, he takes her out to get a drink and tells her he knows she's FBI and they kinda flirt over how much they hates dem aliens? Guys, alcohol and antagonistic sexual tension… this is how vampire hate fucking happens.

Conveniently, Deputy Token the Native American recognizes the symbol on the amulet and points our zeroes to the nearby reservation. Man, what is it with WB aliens and Indians? And hey, they did that on Voyager too. Why does no advanced alien civilization ever visit the Inuits or the Aztecs? It's always Native Americans. And then they go straight to probing rednecks. If I were the First Nation, I'd be a little insulted.

Liz gets in on the plot since she figures the FBI will follow the aliens but not her, the girl the aliens brought back to life. So she goes to the reservation and finds an old man, River Dog, who recognizes the symbol on the amulet, but he refuses to tell her much about it. Start throwing litter on the ground, Liz, that'll make him talk!

The next day, a younger Native American comes to the Crashdown Diner to complain about the "Redskin Buffalo Wings" on the menu. Isn't the Crashdown's deal that it has a giant alien-on, and all the entrees are named after alien stuff? I'm just saying.

So anyway, the young Native American has brought them a message from River Dog, which is a piece of the amulet that was broken off and fits with it perfectly. So he and Liz are long-separated siblings who must reclaim the throne of Galea? Because that's what I'm getting from this.

No, Liz has to go to the reservation and pass a test to get the information. Someone having to play a game to receive a fabulous prize? What an odd situation for a Native American to set up.

Oh, spoiler alert: It turns out that it's not like the aliens visited the Native Americans a few centuries ago, just that some random alien hung out with them after the Roswell Crash. The Native Americans really have nothing to do with the plot, the alien just as easily could've lived with the grandparents of the Jersey Shore cast. The only reason the Native Americans are in there is because of the stereotype of their mysticism. So, if the show is alright with using Native Americans in the plot because they're all "mysterious" and "weird", I'm alright with calling them on it. Through jokes about casinos.

Meanwhile, in another subplot, after apparently a few hours of Marie saying "comfort me with your lips, big boy," Michael finally lays one on her and it's just as awkward as you'd expect. Don't go knocking boots with no aliens, Marie. You don't want to end up on the cover of Weekly World News, all Teen (Alien) Mother.

Liz brings Max, since they're kind of a couple (you can tell because she tripped and Max caught her in an embrace, which made my eyes roll like I was conducting a séance). The young man leads them to a cave. When they go inside, Liz is grabbed and Max uses his hands to light up the cave.

Alien superpower of the week: Glowy fingers!

River Dog lets go of Liz and tells him he passed the test. I guess the test was not bringing a flashlight. Or a lighter. Or matches.

River Dog explains about how he and this alien were buds back in the day, and the alien left cave paintings as a message to Max and co. I guess the message is too advanced for our primitive "ink on paper" data capture method. Max asks if he can come back (yeah, Michael can get psychic flashes off things when the plot lets him at times, bring him back, smush him to it) and River Dog tells him no. He also warns Liz to be careful of Max, since the other alien was a mur-diddly-urder and he doesn't want her getting hurt. Yeah, like the series would reveal that one of the main characters is really some kind of evil villain. Get real!