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seriousficGeez, even the title needs to be summarized.
Zeus: Someone stole my Master Bolt! I blame your son!
Poseidon: Why? Of all the characters in this story, he’s the least likely to have any interactions with the gods.
Zeus: You’re complaining about me being a dick?
Poseidon: Point. Well, that’s two of the four minutes we’re in this movie, let’s go get a beer.
***
Percy: The one non-action scene that’s more than a minute long and it’s me sitting at the bottom of a pool. Suck it, craft of storytelling.
Drover: This scene has gone on too long! I’m your requisite black best friend! Move on!
***
Joey Pants: Percy’s mom, that beer is three feet away from me! Get it within one foot of me or you’ve failed as a woman.
Percy: Mom, why do you put up with that guy?
Percy’s Mom: It’s too stupid to get into.
Percy: It’s a kid’s movie, try me.
Percy’s Mom: His body odor hides you from monsters.
Percy: Wait, so I’m the Chosen One, but I have to live with an abusive parent because it inadvertently protects me from evil? How novel. Also, if I can’t stand him, then how does his body odor hide me at all times… I don’t really want to know the answer to that question, do I?
Percy’s Mom: Oh, by the way, you have ADHD and dyslexia.
Percy: And so this narrative will touch on that in a unique and intriguing way?
Percy’s Mom: No, it’s just… Harry Potter didn’t have ADHD or dyslexia. So you’re definitely not Harry Potter.
Percy: Brilliant.
***
Pierce Brosnan: Welcome to the Museum of Bald-faced Exposition. In olden times, the Greek gods and mortals were… how can I put this to a class of 18-year-olds… hook up?
Substitute Teacher: Percy Jackson, come with me into this under-construction room where we can be alone.
Percy: Are you going to bathing-suit touch me?
Substitute Teacher: I’m not a naughty teacher, I’m a Fury!
Percy: Yeah, I’m a teenage boy, so are you going to bathing-suit touch me or what?
Substitute Teacher: Tell me where the Master Bolt is!
Percy: I don’t want to die wishing I had more of Joey Pants’ funk on me!
Pierce Brosnan: Let him go or I’ll start repeating plot points from Die Another Day!
Substitute Teacher: You wouldn’t dare!
Pierce Brosnan: So after James Bond surfs into North Korea…
Substitute Teacher: Run away! Run away!
Percy: Well, that was a truly harrowing battle.
Pierce Brosnan: Drover, take Percy home. Oh, Percy, he’s secretly your bodyguard, as am I. Your mother knows what I’m talking about.
Percy: Wait, so everyone in my life has been keeping things from me or integrating themselves with me because it’s their job?
Pierce Brosnan: Then the white guy turns out to be a North Korean colonel who had lots of plastic surgery…
Percy: I’m going, I’m going!
Drover: Just so you know, I don’t need crutches, they’re just cover for the fact that I’m a satyr. And you don’t have ADHD or dyslexia, it’s just battle reflexes and being unable to read anything but ancient Greek, respectively.
Percy: So our disabilities are really superpowers? Isn’t that a bit trivializing? Shouldn’t disabled people be able to be heroes despite their disabilities, not because of them? Plus, I’m not sure reading Greek is a superpower. I think most people can learn to read Greek without being a demi-god. And if I’m unable to read English, why didn’t my mom just move to Greece instead of burdening me with a learning disorder?
Drover: Percy, I appreciate your questions, but we spent a whole forty seconds on exposition already, now it’s time for the comeuppance!
Joey Pants: Argh, my long-awaited come… I’ve been in this movie, what, one minute? Why’d you even bother?
Drover: Let’s roll, Percy’s Mom!
***
Percy’s Mom: So I fucked a god, had you, but your dad’s forbidden from seeing you.
Percy: Oh God. My entire life is a lie. My entire worldview is based on nothing. The Greek gods are real. I myself am part of a world I never knew existed. How can I even begin to deal with the implications of this…
Minotaur: ACTION SEQUENCE!
Drover: Quick, we have to get to Camp Half-Blood!
Percy: Do we have to? I hear the teacher is a real dick, always droning on about potions and taking points away from Gryffindor…
Drover: That’s Harry Potter! This is the series with the sensitive portrayal of disability. Now use your ADHD to kill the minotaur!
He DOES.
Percy: So I guess the movie’s over then. I clearly just killed a fucking minotaur with no training whatsoever, so really, what’s the point of continuing? How can my character advance any from that?
Drover: Hey, the minotaur kinda killed your mom, you wanna… react to that or anything? Emote?
Percy: Nah, I’m good.
***
Pierce Brosnan: Welcome to Camp Half-Blood, not to be confused with Camp Mud-Blood across the lake. I am Chiron the Centaur. Please, allow me to make the obvious horse’s ass joke so the critics can’t.
Critics: Goddamnit!
Percy: Wait, isn’t Chiron dead? And a constellation? Is all of Greek mythology true except for the part where you died?
Pierce Brosnan: And then North Korea plans to use hovercraft to float over the minefields…
Percy: Geez, I was just asking! Well, I suppose I’d better meet the supporting cast.
Annabeth: I’m Annabeth, your love interest. I’ve spent my entire life in Camp Half-Blood, training for battle and never knowing the outside world. Which will never come up once.
Luke: I’m Luke, son of Hermes. Since I’m likeable and helpful, yet not part of the main group, clearly I’m a traitor.
Chiron: And this is Camp Half-Blood, where we train demi-gods to use their talents for good.
Percy: What, with swords and armor? Does that come in real handy, knowing how to sword-fight? Because just the other day, I was standing in line at the bank, wondering what kind of investment I should make with my paycheck, and I don’t think sword-fighting would’ve been useful…
Drover: Hey, we also trained Barack Obama.
Percy: Whoa, did we just imply that President Obama is literally descended from the gods? Isn’t that taking the hero worship a little too far?
Drover: Relax, it’s just a harmless reference to the God-King Obama, long may he reign.
Percy: Sorry about the snark, my mom is dead. She was the only real constant in my life, the only person I really had aside from Drover, and now she’s gone and she had this whole secret life that I never even knew about…
Annabeth: Who wants to play Capture the Flag and have awkward sexual tension with me?
Percy: Me, me, I do, I do!
They play Capture The Flag. Percy wins since the last battle is conveniently located near water, which gives him superpowers. You’d think that means there would be a situation in the future where he’s deprived of water and has to fight while weakened, but no, he pretty much lucked out.
Percy: Maybe I should carry a canteen around like Katara.
***
Percy: So, Annabeth, we’ve known each other for five minutes. In this movie, that means we’ve practically gotten to third base. How ‘bout it?
Annabeth: I definitely have strong feelings for you, but in Harry Potter, the female lead got together with the wacky comic relief, so you can understand my confusion.
Percy: He’s half goat! It may not be bestiality, but it definitely makes you a furry!
Jon Peters: This scene has too much talking! We need another action beat!
Hades: I AM HADES!
Percy: Holy shit! How come Zeus looks like Sean Bean and Poseidon looks like Kevin McKidd, but you’re a goddamn demon? Was your mom schtupping the fireplace or something?
Hades: Percy Jackson, your mother is not dead, she’s just in the underworld. Although I can understand the confusion. Anyway, I’ll give her back if you give me the Master bolt.
Percy: I don’t have it!
Hades: I don’t believe you! Bring me the Master Bolt or I’ll kill your mother… and she’ll go to here, or something. Bla!
***
Percy: I know Chiron wants me to go to Zeus and explain to him that I don’t have the Master Bolt, but Hades has my mother, so I have to go to him and explain that I don’t have the Master Bolt. Since that worked out so well when I did it thirty seconds ago.
Annabeth: So we’re not going to be tracking down the Lightning Thief or trying to get back the Master Bolt? I just thought, you know, that since it was in the title…
Percy: No, we’re going to spend the entire movie trying to explain that we don’t have anything to do with the plot. Luke, you need screentime so your eventual betrayal will have some small impact, help us out.
Luke: Certainly. Come into my tent of modernity. My dad’s Hermes, so here, have some flying shoes. I still hate that guy, though. Just like I hate all the gods. They make me so angry I could, I could KILL!
Percy: Ha ha, good luck with that.
Luke: You need a way to not only get into the underworld, but get out. So Persephone was kidnapped by Hades to be his sex slave, but since it’s such an unhappy relationship, she fucks around a lot on him…
Percy: Whoa! I guess before we tried to turn Greek mythology into a kiddie flick, we should’ve remembered it was fucking Greek mythology!
Luke: Anyhoo, she has these pearls which will teleport her suitors out of the underworld, since I guess she can’t just have sex with people in Tartarus. These pearls are scattered across the country in three action-packed setpieces, because like all women, Persephone likes to make men jump through hoops to sleep with her.
Drover: Oh!
Percy: *high-fives*
Annabeth: I don’t get it.
Luke: By the way, the pearls also have chunks of Voldemort’s soul in them, so you should hand them over to Harry Potter when you’re done.
Percy: Will do, thanks!
***
Percy: Okay, the first pearl is in this garden, somewhere around all these stone statues of people looking terrified. Oh shi—
Medusa: Hello there…
Percy: Wait, wait, WAIT! You’ve killed literally dozens of people and no one’s noticed? If someone kills just one person, the authorities show up. And they don’t have snakes for hair.
Medusa: Stop with the logic! What has it ever done for you?
Percy: Quick, product placement will save the day! Let’s use the metal finish on my iPod to see her reflection.
Drover: Couldn’t we use a camera phone or something to track her? That would be modern and witty.
Percy: Nope, reflections. Behead!
Medusa: Gak!
Percy: Well, look at it this way, at least you’re not having a bad hair day anymore.
Drover: Oh!
Percy: *high-fives*
Annabeth: I don’t get it.
Drover: Hey, let’s bring her head along just in case it comes in useful. It worked in Clash of the Titans, after all.
Percy: Wait a minute, we’re 17-year-old kids and we’re lugging around the decapitated head of the woman we just killed? And we stole her car? Anyone else think this may have an adverse effect on our mental health?
Annabeth: Trust me, as far as psychological disorders in Greek myth go, you’re getting off light.
***
On the road, Drover nearly falls asleep and gets into a crash. They decide to stop for the night at a motel. Naturally, they don’t sleep so much as “have awkward sexual tension” and “make token black guy jokes.”
Percy: Not much to make fun of here, huh?
Drover: No. Pretty weird how Luke didn’t warn us about Medusa though, huh?
Percy: Yes. It’s so suspicious that let’s never bring it up again.
Annabeth: Hey, Drover, how come the only black person in the movie is literally part-animal, spends all his time chasing women, and is a servant of the hero who tells him that his blood makes him superior?
Drover: Hey, that’s not fair! Rosario Dawson’s in this movie too!
Annabeth: I take your point.
Drover: She plays Hades’ sex slave.
Annabeth: Jesus.
Percy: Don’t you mean ‘hey Zeus’?
See what I did there?
***
Percy: Okay, we’ve gone at least four minutes without something dying, time for another fight scene!
Annabeth: The next pearl is at the Parthenon in Nashville.
Percy: Whoa, I guess Persephone is as twee as one of those ‘Love Is’ comics.
Annabeth: Alright, it’s time for me to do something badass to justify my presence in this story. So I’m going to shoot a bunch of unarmed janitors with a crossbow.
Percy: How… heroic.
She does.
Percy: Now that we’ve laboriously introduced your crossbow, I suppose it will have some bearing on the plot?
Annabeth: Nope!
Then the hydra shows up. They fight it.
Percy: I’ve cut off all its heads! Victory is mine!
Annabeth: That just makes its heads grow back.
Drover: Dude, everyone knows that. It was in Hercules. The Disney Hercules.
Percy: Well, shit.
They kill the hydra with Medusa’s head
Percy: I guess those anti-drug commercials are right. Getting stoned is bad for your health.
***
Drover: Alright, the next pearl is in Las Vegas.
Percy: That’s a long drive. Well, since I almost got us all killed by being ignorant of Greek myth, I suppose we should stop at a bookstore and buy some books on the gods for us to read on the way.
***
Lotus eaters: Here, have some lotus.
Percy: OM NOM NOM!
Annabeth: I’ve spent my whole life being trained to fight monsters of Greek myth. OM NOM NOM!
Drover: And I’m a professional defender against monsters of Greek myth. OM NOM NOM!
Percy: Wait… a voice… in my head…
“Luke… use the Force…”
“Quaid… start the reactor…”
“Simba, the circle of life…”
Percy: Shit, guess I shouldn’t have stopped taking my meds.
Poseidon: Percy, don’t eat the lotus. You’ll spend all eternity gambling, having hot sex, and partying.
Percy: Actually, that doesn’t sound too—
Lady Gaga comes on the soundtrack.
Percy: WE’VE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
***
Percy: Alright, we’ve got three pearls to go into Tartarus and rescue my mom, so one of us would stay behind. Because hey, how retarded would it be for us to expect four people to escape with three pearls? I mean, what kind of imbecilic heroes would we be if one of us had to make a heroic sacrifice because none of us could count? I mean, Annabeth, you’re the daughter of Athena, Goddess of Wisdom! Your whole deal is being the smart one.
Annebth: Like Hermione in Harry Potter!
Percy: You would have to be some kind of moron to let that slip past you.
Script: You guys are going to go into hell and expect to get four people out with three pearls.
Percy: This so depresses me that I can’t even make a joke about the gate to hell being in Hollywood.
***
Drover: Man, we’re going to go and tell the devil to get to steppin’. This is so cool!
Percy: Actually, you’re confusing Christian mythology with Greek myth. In the latter, Hades is actually no more capricious or immoral than any Greek god, so we should find him quite reasonable and amenable to our requests. I mean, he once let some people out of Tartarus because one of them played good music. Face it, the guy’s a softie.
Drover: So you’re basing that on Hollywood’s tendency to respect other cultures and their storytelling?
Percy: Shit. We’re about to go and tell the devil to get to steppin’.
Annabeth: Hey, Steve Coogan! I never thought a movie would waste you more than Tropic Thunder did, but hey!
Steve Coogan: At least here I don’t get blown up so Jack Black and Ben Stiller can fart around not being as funny as the guy in fucking blackface. Anyway, I’ve been keeping your mother in an elaborate CGI effect rather than a prison cell since this is a summer blockbuster, but I’ll let you reunite. Now give me the Master Bolt!
Percy: I don’t have… whoops, I dropped my shield!
The Master Bolt slips out.
Percy: I swear, I don’t know how that got in there, I was just holding that shield for a friend!
Annabeth: Percy, this means Luke must be the Lightning Thief! Knowing we were going to Hades, he must’ve hidden the Master Bolt there so that Hades could find it and start a war among the gods!
Percy: No way, that’s too stupid. I mean, everyone knows that the gods are going to war, so Luke would’ve just sat on the Master Bolt if he had it. Why risk us discovering it on our epic journey here?
Steve Coogan: No, that’s pretty much how it goes. Now, sex slave, hold the Master Bolt with me while I double-cross the heroes like the half-baked villain I am.
Persephone: Sure, and I won’t immediately smite you with the Master Bolt. Or not.
Steve Coogan: Oh, right, women don’t like being abducted and forced into marriage. Forgot. Gak!
Persephone: Percy, Annabeth, Percy’s Mom, you take the Master Bolt back to Mount Olympus. Drover, you stay here and have sex with me.
Percy: No, I won’t abandon my friend, not under any---
Drover: Percy, get the fuck outta here.
***
Percy: So Mount Olympus is in New York. Interesting fact. Well, let’s stop this war.
Luke: Not so fast!
Percy: Luke! So it’s true! You’re the Lightning Thief! But why?
Luke: Well, there is the aforementioned hatred of my dad, and subsequently all the gods. But I also have some weird thing about wanting to replace the elder gods with us younguns. I don’t know, it kinda came outta nowhere.
Percy: No, I mean, why did you not warn us about all the various threats we faced if you wanted us to get to Hades and inadvertently deliver the Master Bolt to him?
Luke: See, I’m evil and in a kid’s movie, so I have to be as dickish as possible, even when it curtails my own plans. Like right now, when I try to use the Master Bolt to blow up a helicopter for no reason. Because I’m evil. Or when I didn’t wash my hands after using the restroom.
Percy: Okay, now I don’t even want to get into a fistfight with you.
Luke: It’s cool. We’ll settle this by flying around and using our respective superpowers to try to kill each other.
Percy: Wow, I can’t believe a dunderheaded kid’s movie gets a better Superman climax than the actual movie Superman Returns.
Luke: Also, I don’t actually have any superpowers aside from my uncanny resemblance to Kevin Bacon, so I’m kinda going to die, aren’t I?
Percy: Yup.
Audience: Whoa, did Percy Jackson just kill another human being? Because he flew through the air for hundreds of feet and landed in the water.
Percy: C’mon, don’t all role models have a body count?
***
Percy: Stop the war, I want to get off!
Zeus: Percy! Thank you for returning my Master Bolt.
Percy: Here, take it. I wouldn’t even think of asking for you to repeal that ‘no contact between gods and their kids’ rule that caused all the trouble, not while I have power over you. But if you could save Drover from the underworld and make that heroic sacrifice even more pointless, I’d appreciate it.
Poseidon: Percy, my son! At last we meet. You want a hug or something?
Percy: Nah, I’m cool with a manly handshake.
Poseidon: Well, you dun good, kid.
Percy: Thanks, pops. Later.
***
Percy: So, we’ve saved the world and can go back into hero training.
Annabeth: Although we didn’t really do much heroics. Mostly we just acted in self-defense. I mean, did we even bother to help all those people the Lotus Eaters were imprisoning? And why were the Lotus Eaters even running a casino? Or Medusa turning people to stone?
Percy: Uh… let’s have a swordfight!
And that’s the end.
Zeus: Someone stole my Master Bolt! I blame your son!
Poseidon: Why? Of all the characters in this story, he’s the least likely to have any interactions with the gods.
Zeus: You’re complaining about me being a dick?
Poseidon: Point. Well, that’s two of the four minutes we’re in this movie, let’s go get a beer.
***
Percy: The one non-action scene that’s more than a minute long and it’s me sitting at the bottom of a pool. Suck it, craft of storytelling.
Drover: This scene has gone on too long! I’m your requisite black best friend! Move on!
***
Joey Pants: Percy’s mom, that beer is three feet away from me! Get it within one foot of me or you’ve failed as a woman.
Percy: Mom, why do you put up with that guy?
Percy’s Mom: It’s too stupid to get into.
Percy: It’s a kid’s movie, try me.
Percy’s Mom: His body odor hides you from monsters.
Percy: Wait, so I’m the Chosen One, but I have to live with an abusive parent because it inadvertently protects me from evil? How novel. Also, if I can’t stand him, then how does his body odor hide me at all times… I don’t really want to know the answer to that question, do I?
Percy’s Mom: Oh, by the way, you have ADHD and dyslexia.
Percy: And so this narrative will touch on that in a unique and intriguing way?
Percy’s Mom: No, it’s just… Harry Potter didn’t have ADHD or dyslexia. So you’re definitely not Harry Potter.
Percy: Brilliant.
***
Pierce Brosnan: Welcome to the Museum of Bald-faced Exposition. In olden times, the Greek gods and mortals were… how can I put this to a class of 18-year-olds… hook up?
Substitute Teacher: Percy Jackson, come with me into this under-construction room where we can be alone.
Percy: Are you going to bathing-suit touch me?
Substitute Teacher: I’m not a naughty teacher, I’m a Fury!
Percy: Yeah, I’m a teenage boy, so are you going to bathing-suit touch me or what?
Substitute Teacher: Tell me where the Master Bolt is!
Percy: I don’t want to die wishing I had more of Joey Pants’ funk on me!
Pierce Brosnan: Let him go or I’ll start repeating plot points from Die Another Day!
Substitute Teacher: You wouldn’t dare!
Pierce Brosnan: So after James Bond surfs into North Korea…
Substitute Teacher: Run away! Run away!
Percy: Well, that was a truly harrowing battle.
Pierce Brosnan: Drover, take Percy home. Oh, Percy, he’s secretly your bodyguard, as am I. Your mother knows what I’m talking about.
Percy: Wait, so everyone in my life has been keeping things from me or integrating themselves with me because it’s their job?
Pierce Brosnan: Then the white guy turns out to be a North Korean colonel who had lots of plastic surgery…
Percy: I’m going, I’m going!
Drover: Just so you know, I don’t need crutches, they’re just cover for the fact that I’m a satyr. And you don’t have ADHD or dyslexia, it’s just battle reflexes and being unable to read anything but ancient Greek, respectively.
Percy: So our disabilities are really superpowers? Isn’t that a bit trivializing? Shouldn’t disabled people be able to be heroes despite their disabilities, not because of them? Plus, I’m not sure reading Greek is a superpower. I think most people can learn to read Greek without being a demi-god. And if I’m unable to read English, why didn’t my mom just move to Greece instead of burdening me with a learning disorder?
Drover: Percy, I appreciate your questions, but we spent a whole forty seconds on exposition already, now it’s time for the comeuppance!
Joey Pants: Argh, my long-awaited come… I’ve been in this movie, what, one minute? Why’d you even bother?
Drover: Let’s roll, Percy’s Mom!
***
Percy’s Mom: So I fucked a god, had you, but your dad’s forbidden from seeing you.
Percy: Oh God. My entire life is a lie. My entire worldview is based on nothing. The Greek gods are real. I myself am part of a world I never knew existed. How can I even begin to deal with the implications of this…
Minotaur: ACTION SEQUENCE!
Drover: Quick, we have to get to Camp Half-Blood!
Percy: Do we have to? I hear the teacher is a real dick, always droning on about potions and taking points away from Gryffindor…
Drover: That’s Harry Potter! This is the series with the sensitive portrayal of disability. Now use your ADHD to kill the minotaur!
He DOES.
Percy: So I guess the movie’s over then. I clearly just killed a fucking minotaur with no training whatsoever, so really, what’s the point of continuing? How can my character advance any from that?
Drover: Hey, the minotaur kinda killed your mom, you wanna… react to that or anything? Emote?
Percy: Nah, I’m good.
***
Pierce Brosnan: Welcome to Camp Half-Blood, not to be confused with Camp Mud-Blood across the lake. I am Chiron the Centaur. Please, allow me to make the obvious horse’s ass joke so the critics can’t.
Critics: Goddamnit!
Percy: Wait, isn’t Chiron dead? And a constellation? Is all of Greek mythology true except for the part where you died?
Pierce Brosnan: And then North Korea plans to use hovercraft to float over the minefields…
Percy: Geez, I was just asking! Well, I suppose I’d better meet the supporting cast.
Annabeth: I’m Annabeth, your love interest. I’ve spent my entire life in Camp Half-Blood, training for battle and never knowing the outside world. Which will never come up once.
Luke: I’m Luke, son of Hermes. Since I’m likeable and helpful, yet not part of the main group, clearly I’m a traitor.
Chiron: And this is Camp Half-Blood, where we train demi-gods to use their talents for good.
Percy: What, with swords and armor? Does that come in real handy, knowing how to sword-fight? Because just the other day, I was standing in line at the bank, wondering what kind of investment I should make with my paycheck, and I don’t think sword-fighting would’ve been useful…
Drover: Hey, we also trained Barack Obama.
Percy: Whoa, did we just imply that President Obama is literally descended from the gods? Isn’t that taking the hero worship a little too far?
Drover: Relax, it’s just a harmless reference to the God-King Obama, long may he reign.
Percy: Sorry about the snark, my mom is dead. She was the only real constant in my life, the only person I really had aside from Drover, and now she’s gone and she had this whole secret life that I never even knew about…
Annabeth: Who wants to play Capture the Flag and have awkward sexual tension with me?
Percy: Me, me, I do, I do!
They play Capture The Flag. Percy wins since the last battle is conveniently located near water, which gives him superpowers. You’d think that means there would be a situation in the future where he’s deprived of water and has to fight while weakened, but no, he pretty much lucked out.
Percy: Maybe I should carry a canteen around like Katara.
***
Percy: So, Annabeth, we’ve known each other for five minutes. In this movie, that means we’ve practically gotten to third base. How ‘bout it?
Annabeth: I definitely have strong feelings for you, but in Harry Potter, the female lead got together with the wacky comic relief, so you can understand my confusion.
Percy: He’s half goat! It may not be bestiality, but it definitely makes you a furry!
Jon Peters: This scene has too much talking! We need another action beat!
Hades: I AM HADES!
Percy: Holy shit! How come Zeus looks like Sean Bean and Poseidon looks like Kevin McKidd, but you’re a goddamn demon? Was your mom schtupping the fireplace or something?
Hades: Percy Jackson, your mother is not dead, she’s just in the underworld. Although I can understand the confusion. Anyway, I’ll give her back if you give me the Master bolt.
Percy: I don’t have it!
Hades: I don’t believe you! Bring me the Master Bolt or I’ll kill your mother… and she’ll go to here, or something. Bla!
***
Percy: I know Chiron wants me to go to Zeus and explain to him that I don’t have the Master Bolt, but Hades has my mother, so I have to go to him and explain that I don’t have the Master Bolt. Since that worked out so well when I did it thirty seconds ago.
Annabeth: So we’re not going to be tracking down the Lightning Thief or trying to get back the Master Bolt? I just thought, you know, that since it was in the title…
Percy: No, we’re going to spend the entire movie trying to explain that we don’t have anything to do with the plot. Luke, you need screentime so your eventual betrayal will have some small impact, help us out.
Luke: Certainly. Come into my tent of modernity. My dad’s Hermes, so here, have some flying shoes. I still hate that guy, though. Just like I hate all the gods. They make me so angry I could, I could KILL!
Percy: Ha ha, good luck with that.
Luke: You need a way to not only get into the underworld, but get out. So Persephone was kidnapped by Hades to be his sex slave, but since it’s such an unhappy relationship, she fucks around a lot on him…
Percy: Whoa! I guess before we tried to turn Greek mythology into a kiddie flick, we should’ve remembered it was fucking Greek mythology!
Luke: Anyhoo, she has these pearls which will teleport her suitors out of the underworld, since I guess she can’t just have sex with people in Tartarus. These pearls are scattered across the country in three action-packed setpieces, because like all women, Persephone likes to make men jump through hoops to sleep with her.
Drover: Oh!
Percy: *high-fives*
Annabeth: I don’t get it.
Luke: By the way, the pearls also have chunks of Voldemort’s soul in them, so you should hand them over to Harry Potter when you’re done.
Percy: Will do, thanks!
***
Percy: Okay, the first pearl is in this garden, somewhere around all these stone statues of people looking terrified. Oh shi—
Medusa: Hello there…
Percy: Wait, wait, WAIT! You’ve killed literally dozens of people and no one’s noticed? If someone kills just one person, the authorities show up. And they don’t have snakes for hair.
Medusa: Stop with the logic! What has it ever done for you?
Percy: Quick, product placement will save the day! Let’s use the metal finish on my iPod to see her reflection.
Drover: Couldn’t we use a camera phone or something to track her? That would be modern and witty.
Percy: Nope, reflections. Behead!
Medusa: Gak!
Percy: Well, look at it this way, at least you’re not having a bad hair day anymore.
Drover: Oh!
Percy: *high-fives*
Annabeth: I don’t get it.
Drover: Hey, let’s bring her head along just in case it comes in useful. It worked in Clash of the Titans, after all.
Percy: Wait a minute, we’re 17-year-old kids and we’re lugging around the decapitated head of the woman we just killed? And we stole her car? Anyone else think this may have an adverse effect on our mental health?
Annabeth: Trust me, as far as psychological disorders in Greek myth go, you’re getting off light.
***
On the road, Drover nearly falls asleep and gets into a crash. They decide to stop for the night at a motel. Naturally, they don’t sleep so much as “have awkward sexual tension” and “make token black guy jokes.”
Percy: Not much to make fun of here, huh?
Drover: No. Pretty weird how Luke didn’t warn us about Medusa though, huh?
Percy: Yes. It’s so suspicious that let’s never bring it up again.
Annabeth: Hey, Drover, how come the only black person in the movie is literally part-animal, spends all his time chasing women, and is a servant of the hero who tells him that his blood makes him superior?
Drover: Hey, that’s not fair! Rosario Dawson’s in this movie too!
Annabeth: I take your point.
Drover: She plays Hades’ sex slave.
Annabeth: Jesus.
Percy: Don’t you mean ‘hey Zeus’?
See what I did there?
***
Percy: Okay, we’ve gone at least four minutes without something dying, time for another fight scene!
Annabeth: The next pearl is at the Parthenon in Nashville.
Percy: Whoa, I guess Persephone is as twee as one of those ‘Love Is’ comics.
Annabeth: Alright, it’s time for me to do something badass to justify my presence in this story. So I’m going to shoot a bunch of unarmed janitors with a crossbow.
Percy: How… heroic.
She does.
Percy: Now that we’ve laboriously introduced your crossbow, I suppose it will have some bearing on the plot?
Annabeth: Nope!
Then the hydra shows up. They fight it.
Percy: I’ve cut off all its heads! Victory is mine!
Annabeth: That just makes its heads grow back.
Drover: Dude, everyone knows that. It was in Hercules. The Disney Hercules.
Percy: Well, shit.
They kill the hydra with Medusa’s head
Percy: I guess those anti-drug commercials are right. Getting stoned is bad for your health.
***
Drover: Alright, the next pearl is in Las Vegas.
Percy: That’s a long drive. Well, since I almost got us all killed by being ignorant of Greek myth, I suppose we should stop at a bookstore and buy some books on the gods for us to read on the way.
***
Lotus eaters: Here, have some lotus.
Percy: OM NOM NOM!
Annabeth: I’ve spent my whole life being trained to fight monsters of Greek myth. OM NOM NOM!
Drover: And I’m a professional defender against monsters of Greek myth. OM NOM NOM!
Percy: Wait… a voice… in my head…
“Luke… use the Force…”
“Quaid… start the reactor…”
“Simba, the circle of life…”
Percy: Shit, guess I shouldn’t have stopped taking my meds.
Poseidon: Percy, don’t eat the lotus. You’ll spend all eternity gambling, having hot sex, and partying.
Percy: Actually, that doesn’t sound too—
Lady Gaga comes on the soundtrack.
Percy: WE’VE GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
***
Percy: Alright, we’ve got three pearls to go into Tartarus and rescue my mom, so one of us would stay behind. Because hey, how retarded would it be for us to expect four people to escape with three pearls? I mean, what kind of imbecilic heroes would we be if one of us had to make a heroic sacrifice because none of us could count? I mean, Annabeth, you’re the daughter of Athena, Goddess of Wisdom! Your whole deal is being the smart one.
Annebth: Like Hermione in Harry Potter!
Percy: You would have to be some kind of moron to let that slip past you.
Script: You guys are going to go into hell and expect to get four people out with three pearls.
Percy: This so depresses me that I can’t even make a joke about the gate to hell being in Hollywood.
***
Drover: Man, we’re going to go and tell the devil to get to steppin’. This is so cool!
Percy: Actually, you’re confusing Christian mythology with Greek myth. In the latter, Hades is actually no more capricious or immoral than any Greek god, so we should find him quite reasonable and amenable to our requests. I mean, he once let some people out of Tartarus because one of them played good music. Face it, the guy’s a softie.
Drover: So you’re basing that on Hollywood’s tendency to respect other cultures and their storytelling?
Percy: Shit. We’re about to go and tell the devil to get to steppin’.
Annabeth: Hey, Steve Coogan! I never thought a movie would waste you more than Tropic Thunder did, but hey!
Steve Coogan: At least here I don’t get blown up so Jack Black and Ben Stiller can fart around not being as funny as the guy in fucking blackface. Anyway, I’ve been keeping your mother in an elaborate CGI effect rather than a prison cell since this is a summer blockbuster, but I’ll let you reunite. Now give me the Master Bolt!
Percy: I don’t have… whoops, I dropped my shield!
The Master Bolt slips out.
Percy: I swear, I don’t know how that got in there, I was just holding that shield for a friend!
Annabeth: Percy, this means Luke must be the Lightning Thief! Knowing we were going to Hades, he must’ve hidden the Master Bolt there so that Hades could find it and start a war among the gods!
Percy: No way, that’s too stupid. I mean, everyone knows that the gods are going to war, so Luke would’ve just sat on the Master Bolt if he had it. Why risk us discovering it on our epic journey here?
Steve Coogan: No, that’s pretty much how it goes. Now, sex slave, hold the Master Bolt with me while I double-cross the heroes like the half-baked villain I am.
Persephone: Sure, and I won’t immediately smite you with the Master Bolt. Or not.
Steve Coogan: Oh, right, women don’t like being abducted and forced into marriage. Forgot. Gak!
Persephone: Percy, Annabeth, Percy’s Mom, you take the Master Bolt back to Mount Olympus. Drover, you stay here and have sex with me.
Percy: No, I won’t abandon my friend, not under any---
Drover: Percy, get the fuck outta here.
***
Percy: So Mount Olympus is in New York. Interesting fact. Well, let’s stop this war.
Luke: Not so fast!
Percy: Luke! So it’s true! You’re the Lightning Thief! But why?
Luke: Well, there is the aforementioned hatred of my dad, and subsequently all the gods. But I also have some weird thing about wanting to replace the elder gods with us younguns. I don’t know, it kinda came outta nowhere.
Percy: No, I mean, why did you not warn us about all the various threats we faced if you wanted us to get to Hades and inadvertently deliver the Master Bolt to him?
Luke: See, I’m evil and in a kid’s movie, so I have to be as dickish as possible, even when it curtails my own plans. Like right now, when I try to use the Master Bolt to blow up a helicopter for no reason. Because I’m evil. Or when I didn’t wash my hands after using the restroom.
Percy: Okay, now I don’t even want to get into a fistfight with you.
Luke: It’s cool. We’ll settle this by flying around and using our respective superpowers to try to kill each other.
Percy: Wow, I can’t believe a dunderheaded kid’s movie gets a better Superman climax than the actual movie Superman Returns.
Luke: Also, I don’t actually have any superpowers aside from my uncanny resemblance to Kevin Bacon, so I’m kinda going to die, aren’t I?
Percy: Yup.
Audience: Whoa, did Percy Jackson just kill another human being? Because he flew through the air for hundreds of feet and landed in the water.
Percy: C’mon, don’t all role models have a body count?
***
Percy: Stop the war, I want to get off!
Zeus: Percy! Thank you for returning my Master Bolt.
Percy: Here, take it. I wouldn’t even think of asking for you to repeal that ‘no contact between gods and their kids’ rule that caused all the trouble, not while I have power over you. But if you could save Drover from the underworld and make that heroic sacrifice even more pointless, I’d appreciate it.
Poseidon: Percy, my son! At last we meet. You want a hug or something?
Percy: Nah, I’m cool with a manly handshake.
Poseidon: Well, you dun good, kid.
Percy: Thanks, pops. Later.
***
Percy: So, we’ve saved the world and can go back into hero training.
Annabeth: Although we didn’t really do much heroics. Mostly we just acted in self-defense. I mean, did we even bother to help all those people the Lotus Eaters were imprisoning? And why were the Lotus Eaters even running a casino? Or Medusa turning people to stone?
Percy: Uh… let’s have a swordfight!
And that’s the end.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-02-15 09:29 pm (UTC)>>Pierce Brosnan: Let him go or I’ll start repeating plot points from Die Another Day!
Do you really need any of those besides "Bond plays second fiddle to a cutesy spy played by Hellberry?"
>>Drover: Just so you know, I don’t need crutches, they’re just cover for the fact that I’m a satyr.
Because what children's movie doesn't need a walking embodiment of kinky sex?
>>Drover: Hey, the minotaur kinda killed your mom, you wanna… react to that or anything? Emote?
>>Percy: Nah, I’m good.
Well, hey, factor in the whole "spent my entire life lying to me and burdening me with shit instead of just explaining stuff", this kind of makes sense.
>>Annabeth: I’m Annabeth, your love interest. I’ve spent my entire life in Camp Half-Blood, training for battle and never knowing the outside world. Which will never come up once.
So the GUY automatically gets l33t combat skills via superior genetics, but the girl has to spend her entire life training to be able to hang as a sidekick?
>>Percy: Whoa, did we just imply that President Obama is literally descended from the gods? Isn’t that taking the hero worship a little too far?
Someone hasn't seen the Rolling Stone cover. Implying that he may merely be half-deific instead of fullblooded is practically an insult at this point.
>>Hades: I AM HADES!
"Hey, leave me outta this shit."
>>Luke: Anyhoo, she has these pearls which will teleport her suitors out of the underworld,
Insert pearl necklace joke here.
>>Drover: Hey, let’s bring her head along just in case it comes in useful. It worked in Clash of the Titans, after all.
Soon to be available on blu-ray! Yes, it is sad how much I am looking forward to watching tiny stop-motion puppets in high definition.
>>“make token black guy jokes.”
Do they ever reference how, oh, I don't know, the one black guy in all this is apparently the one that was picked to be a physical incarnation of animal lust from the waist down?
I mean, I'm as annoyed as anyone by PC walking on eggshells, but COME ON. Nobody noticed that?! "Oh hey, let's take the mythical race famous for fucking everything and being monsters in the pelvic region and apply that template to the black dude! Best idea ever!"
>>Percy: That’s a long drive. Well, since I almost got us all killed by being ignorant of Greek myth, I suppose we should stop at a bookstore and buy some books on the gods for us to read on the way.
Good idea. It's not like you went rushing away from a place that was designed to teach you all that crap, after all. And it's not like it was run by people that actually know the score. Instead let's load up with the contradictory, degraded, mortal-known, filtered-through-modern-issues versions of it available at Barnes & Noble.
>>Percy: This so depresses me that I can’t even make a joke about the gate to hell being in Hollywood.
That would almost be a startling bit of self-awareness if it wasn't probably intended as more of a reference to Hollywood being the center of the universe. (Though that would be even more obvious if it was New York.)
>>Annabeth: Hey, Steve Coogan! I never thought a movie would waste you more than Tropic Thunder did, but hey!
... Did you just badmouth Tropic Thunder? Did you just imply anything in that film was a waste? Did you just imply that Tropic Thunder wasn't the best thing to come out of Hollywood in decades?
Actually, I think we all know what you just did. Went. Did.
And you can't go back.
>>Persephone: Percy, Annabeth, Percy’s Mom, you take the Master Bolt back to Mount Olympus. Drover, you stay here and have sex with me.
"Because it wasn't the living in Hell and sex slavery I minded so much as Hades' particular VARIETY of sex slavery."
>>Percy: So Mount Olympus is in New York. Interesting fact.
See, I should have known we'd get around to New York being the center of creation sooner or later.
>>And that’s the end.
I'm totally going to go and see this anyway.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-15 09:32 pm (UTC)It's worse, because they actually don't do that at all. I guess they just spend the entire trip listening to the radio. They probably didn't even make conversation, as I'm assuming the topic of "what other freakish hellthings might the forces of evil throw our way?" would've come up.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-15 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-15 11:57 pm (UTC)Regarding the ADHD/dyslexia stuff, the author's son has both those conditions, so he wrote it into the series to give him some heroes who had his problems.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-16 12:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-16 01:23 am (UTC)in the book in the book inthebookinthebookinthebook(tl;dr)
Date: 2010-02-16 08:15 pm (UTC)>Poseidon: Why? Of all the characters in this story, he’s the least likely to have any interactions with the gods.
The theory in the book was that Posi somehow got in touch with Percy, got him to steal the Master
SwordBolt, and they would both lie like a rug when confronted. Percy's job was to find the real bolt and clear his name.>Percy: So our disabilities are really superpowers? Isn’t that a bit trivializing? Shouldn’t disabled people be able to be heroes despite their disabilities, not because of them? Plus, I’m not sure reading Greek is a superpower. I think most people can learn to read Greek without being a demi-god. And if I’m unable to read English, why didn’t my mom just move to Greece instead of burdening me with a learning disorder?
Because she needed to be near Camp Exposition, which is in Long Island. Going by the book, here.
>Drover: Hey, the minotaur kinda killed your mom, you wanna… react to that or anything? Emote?
He spends the entire rest of the book trying to figure out how to get his Mom back. Good job, Columbus!
>Luke: I’m Luke, son of Hermes. Since I’m likeable and helpful, yet not part of the main group, clearly I’m a traitor.
Yeah, that was pretty obvious, even in the book, where he was part of the main group.
>Percy: Wait, wait, WAIT! You’ve killed literally dozens of people and no one’s noticed? If someone kills just one person, the authorities show up. And they don’t have snakes for hair.
ITB, I think people were actually being sent to her so she could be murdered.
>Drover: Couldn’t we use a camera phone or something to track her? That would be modern and witty.
ITB, they just used a random shiny ball Medusa had lying around.
>Drover: Dude, everyone knows that. It was in Hercules. The Disney Hercules.
That's not adaptation decay. He is just as dumb about stuff like that in the books.
>Annabeth: Percy, this means Luke must be the Lightning Thief! Knowing we were going to Hades, he must’ve hidden the Master Bolt there so that Hades could find it and start a war among the gods!
ITB, it was just to frame Percy, and to make Hades believe Percy was there to kill him. Or something.
PS
Date: 2010-02-16 08:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-17 11:47 pm (UTC)I...I really don't want to see this movie now, for the same reason seeing the books in the store makes me quail in terror.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 09:37 pm (UTC)