Tipping The Velvet (2002)

[seriousfic]

So, this is what would happen if Michael Bay directed a lesbian period drama. I'm not even kidding, it's that hilariously bad.

*Just in the plot way, I can see how "OMG, you guys, there were lesbians in Victorian England! And they didn't have an easy time of it!" is a flimsy story, but the last fifteen minutes feature pretty much the most half-hearted love triangle ever. Who will Nan choose, the old flame who cheated on her and dumped her like Glenn Beck on your DVR, or the girl she's currently dating who's been nothing but loving and accepting to her? NO SPOILERS!

*Oysters as metaphor for va-jay-jay. If you thought Smallville dropped anvils...

*At one point, aforementioned old flame cheats on Our Long-Suffering Heroine with a man, with the expected heteronormative douchery ("I think you'll need a man to do that [fucking]"), which is then recapped with constant flashbacks to him insulting her, even demonically distorted like he's frickin' Pazuzu. To a long-time MST3k fan like me, I couldn't help but think "The faces of those Nan wronged flashed before her eyes." Why not have their faces just circle around her head while you're at it? "DENTAL PLAN! LISA NEEDS BRACES!"

*In the slums of London, woman were sometimes forced to resort to prostitution just to survive. How does the director choose to present this to the audience? With an eighties movie montage, of course! An eighties movie montage about paying for oral sex. With a little *ka-ching* when she shows off the coins she's earned. NOT! KIDDING!

*When Nan and, uh, Kitty I think it was? When they kiss for the first time, a SHOOTING STAR flies past. It was at this point that I literally laughed out loud. YOU GUYS, THEY ARE TOTALLY MEANT TO BE!

*Just because a music hall is a plot point, doesn't mean you have to accompany dramatic events with, say, a snare drum, or sex scenes with Benny Hill music, or steam noises when someone is mad.

Read the book, it'd pretty much have to be better.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

DAMN. I was going to watch it after I read the book, but good thing I didn't because it sounds like a great laugh. Anyway, rest assured that there are no shooting stars in the book or 80s montages...

[lilpocketninja.livejournal.com]

Read the book, it'd pretty much have to be better.

I think you've failed, because your review only makes me want to read it more.

[ultramarine.livejournal.com]

In a way, I'm glad this movie was made, just so I could read that review of it. I'm sorry.

[devlinacardigan.livejournal.com]

I know this is a pretty old post but I had to say something when I saw it. "Tipping The Velvet" was definitely bad but you should give "Fingersmith" a chance. It's by the same author and I almost didn't watch it because I hated "Tipping The Velvet" so much but it's really good IMO.