How Superman Returns Should've Gone

Superman: Greetings, people of Earth. I’m sorry for my long absence, but now that I’m back, I’m eager to resume my role as…

Supergirl: Hey, cous!

Superman: What the… who are you?

Supergirl: I’m Supergirl! Your cousin, remember?

Superman: I don’t have a cousin.

Supergirl: Yes you do! I had my own movie! Jimmy Olsen was in it and everything!

Superman: (squinting) Faye Dunaway?

Supergirl: Yeah! We’re going on Donner movie continuity, right? I was part of the franchise! C’mon, let’s go patrol together! By the way, while you were gone, Lois Lane shacked up with Cyclops and gave birth to your love child. (beat) Everything else is pretty much the same, though.

Superman: But… I went to Krypton because I thought there might be more survivors of our species.

Supergirl: Oh, you mean like on Argo City? Where I’m from? It’s a bit boring. I like having adventures on Earth much better! Wanna race around the world?

Superman: I was kinda planning on angsting about being the only Kryptonian in the universe.

Supergirl: Man, has Lex Luthor been giving me a hard time while you’ve been away. Building giant robots and death-rays—glad now we can fight him together, like a family!

A stack of newspapers is delivered nearby. Superman looks at it. The front page of The Daily Planet reads “Supergirl’s Cousin ‘Superman’ Back On Earth." Then, in smaller writing “Did Not Help Stop 9/11 Like Supergirl."

Superman: Look, Supergirl, I know you had your own movie and it’s kinda sorta in continuity… but Bryan Singer decided not to acknowledge anything that happened after Superman 2.

Supergirl: You mean the movie that ended with you promising to never, ever abandon humanity again? (quietly) Shut the FUCK up, Kal-El, I’ve been doing this shit for five years. You’re now the fucking gender-flipped sidekick of ME. I wear the long pants, YOU wear the booty pants, GOT IT?

Superman: …well, let’s be honest, I’m not gonna mind the booty pants…