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So how stupid is Texas Chainsaw 3D?
Jan. 10th, 2013 05:22 pmWell, first off, stupid enough that it's called "Texas Chainsaw 3D" like it's an Asylum mockbuster instead of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D," which would point out that it's part of a series with one of the most iconic titles of the last century, and that it's in 3D.
*For added fun, read the rest of this in the bemusedly indignant tones of Brian Williams. I know I am*
Second, the movie begins hours after the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (ignoring that there were several sequels that would contradict this, making this a remake of the sequel to the original--a seboot, if you will). The authorities are called, and Sheriff Hooper--you can tell he's a good guy, despite being a Texan, because he's black--goes in to deal with the Sawyers alone. Here we find that the Sawyers are not a family of sick fucks that collectively tied up, terrorized, and tried to murder a young woman, but just a band of misunderstood underdogs--noble savages, if you will--defending their land from young people. You know. Like Liz Lemon.
Or Martin Zimmerman. Anyway, the movie's theme is that the Sawyers' family loyalty makes them morally superior to people who don't skin and eat teenagers, but despite this, after a stern talking-to from Hooper, they decide to give up Leatherface--or Jed, as he's been renamed here for some reason. But then, a bunch of Texans show up, and decide to lynch and/or burn and/or shoot all the Sawyers to death (they're admirably flexible on that point).
Now, I've got to think most people would say a mass execution is letting the Sawyers off easy, having seen the first movie, or even just the bits post-converted to 3D for this movie's credits. We are talking about a family that regularly killed people, barbecued them, and then sold their meat on the open market (assuming TCM2 is still in continuity, and that is where the name Sawyer came from in the first place, so it has to be).
But no! In the movie's universe, mob justice is a far worse crime than cannibalism and wearing people. The Sawyers are massacred, but one baby survives, and a vigilante takes the baby and does the mother in with a boot to the head. Which seems like a pretty lazy way to kill someone and steal their baby to me. What if she was just stunned? What if she gets up later and starts asking "Where's my baby?" But apparently that one kick was it for her, so on with the plot!
The Littlest Sawyer is raised in... Arkansas, apparently, because I guess her adopted parents traveled all the way into Texas to be part of a lynch mob. I mean, it's Texas. Not like it's a big state or anything. "Yeah, just gonna pop down to Texas, kill some cannibals, see if I can score a baby." Happens all the time. And despite her adopto-parents being willing to literally kill a woman to have a child, now they're negligent parents who don't seem to love or care about her at all, or vice versa, so there's no interesting thematic material at all and they end up getting comeuppance-killed by Leatherface after the credits because Lil Sawyer doesn't give a shit about the people who raised her?
( ??? )
ETA: At one point The Slutty One grabs a conveniently working and loaded shotgun from a pick-up truck that no one possibly could've been maintaining and takes a shot at Leatherface, screaming "Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!" But... he lives in Texas. You're the one who came to Texas from another state. You can't be welcoming him ANYWHERE YOU IDIOTS--ALL YOU OF EARTH ARE IDIOTS!
*For added fun, read the rest of this in the bemusedly indignant tones of Brian Williams. I know I am*
Second, the movie begins hours after the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (ignoring that there were several sequels that would contradict this, making this a remake of the sequel to the original--a seboot, if you will). The authorities are called, and Sheriff Hooper--you can tell he's a good guy, despite being a Texan, because he's black--goes in to deal with the Sawyers alone. Here we find that the Sawyers are not a family of sick fucks that collectively tied up, terrorized, and tried to murder a young woman, but just a band of misunderstood underdogs--noble savages, if you will--defending their land from young people. You know. Like Liz Lemon.
Or Martin Zimmerman. Anyway, the movie's theme is that the Sawyers' family loyalty makes them morally superior to people who don't skin and eat teenagers, but despite this, after a stern talking-to from Hooper, they decide to give up Leatherface--or Jed, as he's been renamed here for some reason. But then, a bunch of Texans show up, and decide to lynch and/or burn and/or shoot all the Sawyers to death (they're admirably flexible on that point).
Now, I've got to think most people would say a mass execution is letting the Sawyers off easy, having seen the first movie, or even just the bits post-converted to 3D for this movie's credits. We are talking about a family that regularly killed people, barbecued them, and then sold their meat on the open market (assuming TCM2 is still in continuity, and that is where the name Sawyer came from in the first place, so it has to be).
But no! In the movie's universe, mob justice is a far worse crime than cannibalism and wearing people. The Sawyers are massacred, but one baby survives, and a vigilante takes the baby and does the mother in with a boot to the head. Which seems like a pretty lazy way to kill someone and steal their baby to me. What if she was just stunned? What if she gets up later and starts asking "Where's my baby?" But apparently that one kick was it for her, so on with the plot!
The Littlest Sawyer is raised in... Arkansas, apparently, because I guess her adopted parents traveled all the way into Texas to be part of a lynch mob. I mean, it's Texas. Not like it's a big state or anything. "Yeah, just gonna pop down to Texas, kill some cannibals, see if I can score a baby." Happens all the time. And despite her adopto-parents being willing to literally kill a woman to have a child, now they're negligent parents who don't seem to love or care about her at all, or vice versa, so there's no interesting thematic material at all and they end up getting comeuppance-killed by Leatherface after the credits because Lil Sawyer doesn't give a shit about the people who raised her?
( ??? )
ETA: At one point The Slutty One grabs a conveniently working and loaded shotgun from a pick-up truck that no one possibly could've been maintaining and takes a shot at Leatherface, screaming "Welcome to Texas, motherfucker!" But... he lives in Texas. You're the one who came to Texas from another state. You can't be welcoming him ANYWHERE YOU IDIOTS--ALL YOU OF EARTH ARE IDIOTS!
